I am a male and at an age so young I cant remember, my brother introduced me to masturbation. That went on secretly. When 5th or 6th grade came along and one of my male friends asked if I wanted to masturbate with him. I had to know it was wrong but did it anyway. Then another friend. When those friends moved away I was left to flounder from there. I knew I liked girls and remember having a few girl friends in junior high. I did seem to have to attraction to males always "haunting" me. I stumbled through high school without a girl friend. I think more because i was not with the in crowd more than because I didn't want one. Masturbating probably held those desires back. My brother did continue to expose me to sex going as far as oral sex. He ended up hanging himself after moving away. I think he continued doing things he shouldn't and either was about to be caught or could not live with himself anymore. These events seemed to be in my life through the most important development period of my life. Anyway I ended up getting married and had 2 daughters now grown. At 51 I still have the male desire and really wish I knew why. Was it because of what i was exposed to or am I bi or gay? I deal with depression and keep wondering how it would have been to have my innocents growing up. How would I have developed without sex literally being jammed down my throat. I have told my wife but recently discussed it is still haunting me. Struggling through life just doesn't seem fair.

It's complex- and if you've been around online, you know a lot of guys are in the same situation.

I'm a little older and self-identify as Bi. Mine was 'woken' when a pederast worked on grooming me- but I really think that we carry the seeds within us, because I can see that I had the predilection to be Bi, regardless. But it might not have been roused, otherwise... or stayed deeper down. Some of the research I've read about (not read directly), and what I go by when I contribute to forum, is that somewhere between birth and fifteen (the age of the youngest subjects in the research), male sexuality is fixed- locked in place on the sexuality spectrum and not very movable- although I've noticed a little fluctuation from time to time, not much, though. I have OCD- which is the 'doubting disease'.... I've done a lot of hand-wringing wondering if I was gay or straight, but finally decided the answer was pretty obvious- as long as I crave male sexual contact, I'm not straight, and as long as the idea of Valerie Bertinelli with a plate of bacon makes me smile, I'm not gay. I'm sure you can think of applicable tests for you, you get the idea.

You're right, it doesn't seem fair- I don't wish being too far from the endpoints on the sexuality spectrum, on anyone. It's like nothing will ever completely satisfy, or sit well with me.

I do find some comfort in your comments. Somehow not being alone makes me think we can live with who we are, like it or not.

Ain't a whole lot of choice, that I can see. We struggle with what we are and have to find something that works to deal with it.

So I always wondered why it seems I stopped growing up at some point. Is that a side effect? Do I wish to stay immature?

Make you wonder if the people our age when we were young, really had it as together as it seemed, or if they was winging it, also.

I am really struggling right now. I'm pissed because I don't have many friends and pissed because when I do have friends I sabotage the relationship.

I've never had a lot of friends either- don't think it's anything to do with sexuality, of course you never know, but I've always been a bit of a loner.

In what way are you struggling, just companionship? Or are the sexual urges specially strong atm? I know for me, that comes and goes in intensity.

Well there is a ton more that most likely contributes to what I am. Youngest of 6 in a 3 bedroom house, 2 girls 4 boys. Mom and Dad seem to fight everyday. Never really remember much guidance. Of course there was being afraid of stepping out of line. Everyone in the family was also given a nick name by my oldest brother. I imagine my siblings had their own dysfunctional up bringing side effect. Most of my teen years were distracted by hospital trauma. If not that, I was taken away from my friends because we had a place in another state on weekends. So I couldn't relate to them and even lost all contact with them. 6th grade I came home to an ambulance in the driveway. My mom had a stroke. Then another and then Cancer of the larynx which was taken out. My Dad had his turn with a triple bi-pass. So trauma was very prevalent in my youth. Then mom and dad got divorced which added another spectrum to the trauma. I watched my brother, Gram, mom and dad take there last breath. Not at the same time I should add. My brother hung himself and they brought him back. After a week his brain turned to mush and we end up unplugging him. There is so much other stuff that keeps bring me back to, why me? What if? Then envy just eats me alive to see others who grew up some what "normal", even though that seems rare. I know others had it harder then I did but again I want answers I am never going to get. Maybe just by sharing this I am helping others and in a way myself too. Just maybe I will inspire others to share and in turn pay it forward. I couldn't have survived what i have survived just to be miserable for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think my story would be a good movie. Or a bad one depending on how you look at it. So what am I struggling with? Each moment never being an honest innocent pure clean thought. Everything I think or say seems fake to me. How could it be? I react to life and am always uncomfortable doing it. So another day will come and I will not identify with it's occurrences from moment to moment. How could I?