Need help, advice, support or just a listening ear.

I am manic and although I was clean of drugs (only ever took weed) I relapsed. My husband upon finding this out has asked for a divorce. He not only wants sole custody but he doesn't even want me having supervised visits. Says he gonna use the weed to stop me seeing the kids. If I don't stop going out with my friends. Plus give up weed, he gonna stop me seeing kids if I leave him.

I did something stupid tonight I was manic and out with friends when he told me of his plans. I was hysterical and a friend bought me some amphetamine to calm me down. I've never touched this before but was so upset I stupidly took it. I have flushed the remainder.

I also confessed something else to my husband tonight. He came pretty close to raping me last week forced my legs open and held my wrists down. I got a arm free as he was about to penetrate me and slapped him and said if you take that one step further it's rape. I ran out of the house and I ended up sleeping with my friend. It happened another once after a major argument. I confessed this to him. He just said he is leaving tomorrow on my sons birthday.

I know I have done wrong and I know I have messed up. Just don't know what to do.

Hey there Crawling

Do not blame yourself. I cannot express in words my sympathy for your situation and I wish you nothing but the perfect happiness and peace you deserve. Yes. You deserve to be happy and healthy.

Everybody makes mistakes, it is what makes us human, but know that there is always sunshine after bad weather.

That voice that says its hopless and its going to get worse Is A Liar!

Don't listen to it, because it is keeping you from what you deserve, which is happiness and health. You Are Worth more than you know, you are precious.

From what you have wrote it is obvious that your husband has also made some terrible mistakes. Do not worry about him for the time being. That is nothing but a temporary problem for another time.

For now go give your friends a call, maybe call your doctor or if you feel in danger go to a hospital and they will take care of you. But try your friends first, anyone you trust and makes you feel safe and well.

Let us know how you go! We're here for you! Never alone

Thank you I was clean 6 months. I am just so scared of losing my kids. I can't live life without them. Then there is how bad I felt about sleeping with my friend. I am just so scared I am trapped and don't know how to get out.

I understand, but likewise the kids don't want to (and won't ) lose their precious mother who while struggling with the greatest burdens, heroically achieved 6 months of resistance!! Slip ups are just a part of the healing process, its not a failure. You have incredible strength in you. This isn't an end to the journey just a speed bump. You can get over this, I know this to be a fact!

Your kids will love you no matter what and you will never lose them. Why do I know that you may ask? Because their mother cares about them more than anything in the world. You've shown that.

It really looks like your husband has not given you the support you need, even going as far as to hurt you. Don't blame yourself for needing comfort when the person who swore to be there for you failed to do so. Maybe things will work out for the two of you? There is always a chance.

But as far as i can see you did nothing myself and im positive many others here wouldnt also have done being in the same situation. Your kids will still love you, there will always be people to help.

Please help yourself by seeking help and support from good people in your life, maybe your therapist if you are seeing one? Close family? Also maybe try calling a domestic abuse helpline and they will guide you.

Everything's going to work out

Thank you so much. I am more scared as even though I told my mother about how he tried to force himself on me but she wouldn't listen she hates drugs and has decided to support my husband and made it clear she will be standing alongside him in court which is the final straw between us. The only person I have on my side is my 13 yo sister who for obvious reasons I can't confide too much too. So I'm stuck with friends only but I'm getting conflicting advice some are saying try and make the relationship work, others are saying leave.

I have got quite close to this friend as the situation between me and my husband deteriorated. But while we are close its early days. I don't know if he is willing to take on a mentally ill single mum
Of three one of which is severely disabled.

I'm just scared courts are gonna agree with my husband and mum and will deny me access to my children. I am petrified of this happening.

Everyone's made mistakes, but look at him: He's trying to isolate you from your friends and almost raped you? He's using your children as leverage to control your behavior? He's clearly a terribly abusive person. If you've been telling your mental health team and/or friends about these incidents with him, who knows? You might have a fighting shot at custody. And if not, worst-case scenario, you could at least fight for him NOT having custody. What kind of father is that to grow up with? You may also be able to argue that his behavior toward you has largely been what's driven you to your recent mistakes (which doesn't sound untrue, by what you describe). At least you're aware of your issues and actively trying to be a good and healthy person.

Just because he says he wants a divorce and sole custody doesn't mean he'll necessarily get it. It sounds to me like he's using those threats to hurt and control you; there might not be a lot behind them. But I'd prepare for the worst, try to build up some confidence in yourself, and get in touch with your support network to see how they can help. Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person. Get ahold of your doctor to help with the mania, then start looking over your options. It sounds like a separation would be best for everyone, but again, just because he says he'll prevent you from seeing your kids doesn't necessarily mean that's what's going to happen, especially not if you have evidence against his character (via other people backing up these incidents over time) and can prove that your mistakes were momentary indiscretions in the midst of difficult situations, in a larger picture of your striving to be better. Don't give up on yourself.

I truly sympathize, it must be so hard, but I know you can and will overcome this!

I can't see the courts denieing you at least being able to visit your kids, as you have not ever threatened them. And weed is typically not a substance that may cause someone to harm another person.

The best thing I can reccomend is finding a safe and comfortable place to stay and maybe call a helpline, just talking with someone on the phone will help you relax and help you form a solid plan.

You did the right thing reaching out, keep it up and you will find a solution

Hugs

Kikk

Yes lexicon it feels controlling and abusive and like he is using my illness to hurt and punish me. I hate him now for what he has done the thought of touching him makes my skin crawl. But if I push him to just divorce im still scared that I'll lose my kids. He always talks to me like dirt. The other day he gave me a half hour argument because I didn't eat my sweet corn and peas. But the most worrying thing is my eldest who is 9 has also started speaking to me like I'm dirt. Saying things his dad says. So this is damaging my children. I have no witnesses as he is very clever and only does this when we are alone.

Kikk im starting to come down from the amphetamine and can't stop crying your post was soo kind I really blubbered badly. I will try giving women's aid a charity for abused women a ring see what they say to do.

Crawling wrote:I will try giving women's aid a charity for abused women a ring see what they say to do.

You go Gurl!!
I really must congratulate you on your courage and strength. Charities and helplines like those have successfully helped so many people in similar situations, I've known a few people in my life who had received amazing help from them.

No matter what lies your husband tells your kids they will see for themselves exactly who he is and Will see through his lies. I've always seen that truth and love will always cut through any deception. You are stronger than his schemes.

Thanks kikk. If he was gonna leave on his own I would feel so relieved as things been bad a while, but then I feel guilty Cus he has no family or friends and Cus im taking his kids and that im taking the kids dad away. I'm scared they are right and because of my mental illness even if I do get access/custody I will have them removed because I'll get too ill too look after them on my own.