This summer has been....

I'm sorry you've had a rough summer, SR. I tend to get my big scary depressions during the summer months, but this year I only had a few brief spells. It helped a lot to keep busy; I think that's why this summer was different. It was the first summer in years in which I left the house more than once or twice a week.

Was anything different for you this summer (e.g., in terms of your everyday routine), or did the depression seem to come out of nowhere?

I understand how it is to wake up every morning feeling like that. Most depressions clear up on their own in a matter of months, but that doesn't mean you can't do anything to cut through the darkness before it's done screwing with you.

If professional help is an option, please try to seek that out. I say "if" because I don't remember if you're in the US and I know the nightmare of trying to get help without adequate insurance--but it is still possible if you know where to look, e.g., community mental health centers. Let me know if you need ideas on how to navigate the system if you're in that boat.

And keep posting, if that helps!

Thanks everyone for the kind words and encouragement.

twistermind wrote:Winter is alzo worse for me. Aré you doing some outdoor activity or exercise? The sun and fresh air help with depression? Don't tell me you haven't got anyone to go out with. You can go to take your dogs out, or sitting on a café to drink a coke or something.
The best is to imposse as an obligation, as a medecin an hour out of home at least. Take your time to dress up and look cool and go to do a route in the country, take the dogs to a new park...I guess you aré already doing all these things, right?

Iv hardly left the house. I used to be able to force myself to do things, even though in the back of my mind i was thinking what is the use. Your a thirty year old loser, still living with your parents, the epitome of a complete failure. Cant even motivate myself anymore though, too tired/depressed, whatever u want to call it. Some days im fine w/ it and just try to accept that this is how it is. Others im just so filled with anger, guilt, and shame. Its just a vicious cycle.

I wanted to go back to school this semester coming up but it is seeming highly unlikely that it will happen. It was the one thing that i thought might help me feel better about myself. Ofcourse this isnt helping my mood.

-- Sat Aug 20, 2011 1:14 pm --

Dwight wrote:

Socialretard wrote:the worst for me. Depression is usually worse in the winter months for me. Just one day where i wake up and not wish i was dead, thats all i want.

Hey mate,

This is the best thing you have done.. posted up your own thread
Unfornatly you can't put it down to a season it's bigger than that.

YOUR LOST TO WHO YOU ARE.

You need to see your doctor for a referral to a Psychologist.
Ask for a female pysch you need to feel nurtured, you won't feel this with a male.
I believe your ready for change, but there is a lot you have to get off your chest first.
You have a lot going on, you need a lot of answers from built up questions.

The questions are holding you down and not releasing you.

Yes, your a great guy and part of your frustration is that you know this, yet without answers how can you be the person within.

We can help you along way, but it's important for that one on one time.
Its time, deep down inside you know that.

Tell her all, don't hold back laugh/cry learn.
Dwight

Iv tried therapy quite a few times, and didnt find it very helpful. Im not against trying again, but im not working and dont have insurance. So its kinda out of the question atm.

ShadowTerra wrote:
Was anything different for you this summer (e.g., in terms of your everyday routine), or did the depression seem to come out of nowhere?

Im not the best at handling stress, and quite a few difficult things have come up recently. I dont know how to deal with my emotions so its like i just shut down.

I hear ya. I'm not good with stress either.

If school turns out not to be an option, is there anything else you can sign up for that will get you back into a routine? Maybe some sort of volunteer work? Picking up a new hobby?

I don't think you or anyone else on these boards who lives with their parents in adulthood, doesn't have a job/degree/partner/whatever, etc. is a failure. I think that your life circumstances reflect what AvPD can do to a person. They don't reflect who you really are. A therapist once told me that shame is the worst emotion there is, and I agree. But hey, other people do a fine job judging us negatively for our life course (and even successful, well-adjusted folks have plenty of critics), so we don't do ourselves any favors by joining in the torment.

Being depressed and having AvPD (each on their own, but especially together) is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. It's like we take the voices of everyone who bullied, teased, abused, or rejected us and internalize them, giving them free rein over our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. But it doesn't have to be like that forever. You can fight back against the negativity. It isn't easy but it's crucial and it's worth it!

I'm not talking out of my ass, either. This $#%^ has made my life so much better. Veering off topic now, but I think sometimes Avies spend so much time thinking about how nice it would be to feel connected to supportive people that we're blind to how much better life would be if we had supportive relationships with ourselves. Because that would make us more open to relationships anyway.

If you were Spanish you didn't think like that. You can't imagine how many thirty-year-old guys & girls live with their parents and for many different reasons. It's clear that you aré still living with them because of your disorder but who cares. No-one is gonna judge you for that except yourself. I know, in the end, this is what really counts.
I don't live with my parents but I live in the same building as them because I bought my grandma's flat when she passed away. For a long time, I couldn't decide if it would be good or bad for my recovering, buying a flat so closed to my mother. But, then I thought living so close to my parents wouldn't mean I will be a less person. All depend on how I see the situation

Indeed, this fact meant to face to some problems I have been having with my parents and solve them.
How to cope with your emotions? With patience. A lot of patient and always considering other people positions without losing your own perspective( view) and that you aré a person who deserve respect.
The school thing: well, I'll be in a new school with new work-mates, new students...you aré going back to classes moré or less in the same time as me. So, we aré going to be in the same situation. This is your challenge. I'll be suffering and you'll be suffering too. Do you accept the challenge? Yes or No?

-- Sat Aug 20, 2011 10:43 pm --

I feel embarrassed when I tell you all these things because it seems as you didn't know them, when I know you have a really right sense for all I read from most of your posts.

ShadowTerra wrote:. I tend to get my big scary depressions during the summer months, but this year I only had a few brief spells. It helped a lot to keep busy; I think that's why this summer was different. It was the first summer in years in which I left the house more than once or twice a week.
!

Very well done!

Socialretard wrote:Iv tried therapy quite a few times, and didnt find it very helpful. Im not against trying again, but im not working and dont have insurance. So its kinda out of the question atm.

Sorry mate, I don't give up.

Were you ready for therapy then?
This low point is were you will get the most benefit out of therapy as this time you won't resist.

Therapy for the early part is to raise your self esteem.
Therapy on its own isn't a miracle cure.
What it does give you energy and strength for unloading the past.
The future is where you heal yourself.
You heal yourself with the safety net of therapy.

Like what you see on TV- The small child learning to ride a bike.
The child has to learn to ride the bike but he has mum or dad running behind him.
Any falls the child get picked up, cuddled and then child is ready to attempt to ride his bike.

You need that safety net of the therapist running behind you.
Talk to your doctor tell them of your financial position and see what is available to you.

In the mean time I'm on your case
Dwight

Socialretard wrote:the worst for me. Depression is usually worse in the winter months for me. Just one day where i wake up and not wish i was dead, thats all i want.

Me too. I put it down to the crappy weather; I live in an upstairs flat with a huge bay window in the living room and every day I draw back the curtains to grey clouds. On the days I wake early, before 7, I open them to lovely blue clouds and sunshine, and then by 9am, it's the crappy grey clouds again. I want to scream. I need to get out of this country, even for a week, but I don't have the cash to go anywhere. My brothers are off on their third holiday of the year at the end of this month, my sisters are on their second holiday at the moment - I'VE NEVER HAD A HOLIDAY!!!! I've travelled through Europe for 2-5 days at a time, in cities, working. Usually cold cities, like the UK or colder. I would kill to lie on a beach and get some severely-needed Vitamin D. I was invited to Mallorca yesterday by someone I know who lives out there, but I don't have the money to go. I get SAD during the winter months, but with summer having been so dismal, I feel like it's kicked off early. I want to bash my own head in with a brick to stop it from thinking.

*big hug* SR

How are you doing?
I'm sorry you're unable to go to college this fall.
I had a similar experience last summer; I found out I wouldn't be able to start until the winter quarter, if then...so so disappointing (and kind of a relief as well, to be honest ); last summer was hell for me...and being "rejected" from college really felt like the fatal blow.

But now, at the end of this summer, I'm heading into my fourth quarter of college and even got a little on campus job.

So keep trying, okay?
Keep moving, even if it feel like you're just going through the motions.
Keep pushing yourself...and for the love of everything stop calling yourself a failure!
More importantly, stop believing it.

To quote Dory from Finding Nemo, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming".


Evol