I'm a Well-Liked AVPer

I've been reading a lot of these forums as a new member and a common theme I see is that people with AvPD were ridiculed harshly by friends, peers, family, called weirdos, etc. I have the opposite problem now.

Yes, I was teased kid/teen but I think that that just made my AvPD worse. I don't think that was the initial cause of it. I think it had more to do with my critical, over-bearing parents. So because of my AvPD and fear of rejection, I grew up learning to people please. I will laugh at people's statements... and sometimes laugh even before someone finishes a statement that wasn't even supposed to be funny (oops) just because I want to be liked and I want people to like me.

The problem with that is I'll have people talking to me that I really don't care to listen to or "friends" will call to chat on the phone and because I PRETEND like I care I always find myself in situations with people asking my advice or wanting to talk to me and I really just want to hang up the phone or run away. I find it hard to find enjoyment around people, but people really want to be with me. (And why wouldn't they since I work so hard to be friendly/nice).

My entire life has been a facade. I used people pleasing to keep from being rejected, but it's left me with a feeling of emptiness. I find myself getting annoyed so easily by people (they talk too much, brag too much about themselves, too insecure, etc.) and I'm VERY critical of other people (that comes from my father). I find it hard to have a genuine interest in anything people have to say. Possibly because I'm caught up in my own insecurities. It's gotten so bad that if someone tells me a story, I'll sit and think about how I should respond as opposed to really listening to the story.

So I was just wondering how many of you have gotten good at faking people out. And how many are people pleasers just to avoid rejection?

NoOneKnowsMe wrote:So I was just wondering how many of you have gotten good at faking people out. And how many are people pleasers just to avoid rejection?

I think this is me. If I go out with people.. people love me. I am funny and kind and have a killer "act" that usually lasts about 30 minutes with people. I also have the problem that I am a people pleaser and then people get insane on me. They start abusing me and are like, how dare you... when you push back.

At work, I work with some sneaky people who aren't my friends. But I put on a great show for the interns and am always invited up for lunch. Today I broke the third wall and told them I was "sick" and was going to decline. They want me up their for comic relief and so the interns think we are all one happy family but we aren't and I am tired of keeping up the facade. Either you are my friend or you aren't... but I am sure they will act like I have some nurve standing up for myself or there is something wrong with me because I dared say "NO".

I've been there. I work from home now so it's a blessing and a curse. A blessing 'cause I don't have to deal with anyone but a curse because I know it's not healthy. But when I had coworkers I'm sure they were confused. I could be so entertaining, but when they began getting close or when I backed out of group lunches they didn't understand.

But the real reason I didn't go is because everyone starts discussing their "real life" situations and I was insecure because I basically had no life and I knew my fake personality and real life didn't match up. I got tired of everyone asking why I didn't date more. So my life didn't match personality and it caused people to pry.

I would also make up lies about dating which only made the problem worse because people wanted to know more and I had to tell another lie. Oh it was a mess.

NoOneKnowsMe wrote:But the real reason I didn't go is because everyone starts discussing their "real life" situations and I was insecure because I basically had no life and I knew my fake personality and real life didn't match up. I got tired of everyone asking why I didn't date more. So my life didn't match personality and it caused people to pry. .

So you are me? Tell me how it all turns out.

Me too. I get both sides, people that are mean and hateful, and on the flipside I get too popular and want everyone to go away.

I tend to attract people (mostly men) that are domineering and basically want a doormat to laugh at all their jokes and agree with everything they say... and if I don't, there's a problem and they don't want me anymore. I have a really hard time saying no to people. I try to avoid awkward let downs and rejections at all costs since I know how much they crush me. I hate doing that to people, but then I end up having obligations to people I don't actually like.

neowhimsical wrote:I tend to attract people (mostly men) that are domineering and basically want a doormat to laugh at all their jokes and agree with everything they say... and if I don't, there's a problem and they don't want me anymore. I have a really hard time saying no to people. I try to avoid awkward let downs and rejections at all costs since I know how much they crush me. I hate doing that to people, but then I end up having obligations to people I don't actually like.

Oh man I can totally relate to this!

neowhimsical wrote:I tend to attract people (mostly men) that are domineering and basically want a doormat to laugh at all their jokes and agree with everything they say... and if I don't, there's a problem and they don't want me anymore.

That is me. Not always men but most of the time. I work with someone who is the alpha (female). From the start I was happy to let her be the alpha but now she has taken that and pushed it over into abuse. Yesterday I gave her a big sign that I won't take it anymore. Pretty sure I am about to pay for that. She only wants me as a friend if I do what she tells me to ... and otherwise... I am a bitch.

I attract these people because I am easy going.

I am having an issue at work -- for 6 years I have been easy going and let things roll off my back. But, this year I started saying no. My bosses seem so annoyed by this and want me to go back to easy going. But I told them, no, that was a big mistake. You give and you give and you give, and people get used to taking. If, from the start, you take, they act accordingly. Being easy going gets you nothing unless you are a temp worker.

NoOneKnowsMe wrote:So I was just wondering how many of you have gotten good at faking people out. And how many are people pleasers just to avoid rejection?

I learned to people please as a result of being constantly rejected by them. I don't like to be disliked for any reason because it makes me feel inadequate and unworthy. I feel the person i am is not good enough, and so i pretend to be something i'm not in the hopes of impressing others. I've done this for so many yrs that i've become nearly an expert at fooling people. I'm so good that even my closest friends don't know the real me. An incredible actor i am, yep that's me...

There was one time many yrs ago where i attended this summer camp at a university. I was so afraid of being rejected by everyone that i immediately invented an artificial persona: a guy who is cool, laid back and reserved, well traveled and experienced, mature, self sufficient and confident. Pretty crafty huh?

I became successful at pleasing everybody there by adjusting my personality to be compatible with theirs. For example, if someone had a certain viewpoint or belief i would simply adjust my words and behavior to not conflict with and actually compliment theirs. I pretended to be so open minded that my brain almost fell out. Basically i sculpted a perfectly shaped mask that could shape-shift into anything i wanted. Ultimately i was not in conflict with anyone and we never bumped heads.

Eventually my deception finally caught up with me. I became so "interesting" that everyone either wanted to talk to me about their problems or wanted me to hang out with them. But because i'm an AVPer, i fear interaction with people on basically any level. The more people got close the more i began to isolate myself from them out of the fear that they would eventually discover the real me and ultimately reject me for being a fraud, for having carefully and thoughtfully deceived them. They might discover that i'm actually an insecure, lazy, inexperienced, immature condescending an judgmental coward... and they did.

Out of my embarrassment I have never contacted any one of them since...

This is pretty much how I manage to live day in day out. Everybody thinks that I am successful in everything.
I am afraid that if I make any friends, they will find out that I am a fraud. That I don’t have any family and practically no friends. I spend all holidays and my birthday alone. But if you look at my facebook page, you will think that I am super cool. I have lots of mileage and vacation time, which I don’t use because I am afraid that people will pity me for traveling by myself.
I go on a few dates and then push the guys away because I am afraid that they will notice. What kind of person doesn’t have any family of friends? But, honestly, I am very interesting. It just so happens that … I don’t know… people are busy, right? I don’t know. I don’t like to be around people either – it’s exhausting. Specially after social situations – I get so tired.
3 years in therapy for nothing… I really wish there was a way out of this.