I'm a Well-Liked AVPer

by **tahskie** » Tue Jul 19, 2011 7:34 am

NoOneKnowsMe wrote:Yes, I was teased kid/teen but I think that that just made my AvPD worse. I don't think that was the initial cause of it. I think it had more to do with my critical, over-bearing parents. So because of my AvPD and fear of rejection, I grew up learning to people please. I will laugh at people's statements... and sometimes laugh even before someone finishes a statement that wasn't even supposed to be funny (oops) just because I want to be liked and I want people to like me.

Wow, reading your post was like reading my diary. My mother has been extremely critical of every single choice I have ever made in my life, and when you top that off with the ridicule from the teenage years, it had a huge impact on my emotional well-being. I'm so scared of making the "wrong" choice around my mother that I do everything and anything to try and hide bad choices I've made from her. Simply wearing the wrong type of shoe around her will lead to ridicule to the point where she will actually offer (& force me to accept it) to buy a new pair of shoes.

NoOneKnowsMe wrote:The problem with that is I'll have people talking to me that I really don't care to listen to or "friends" will call to chat on the phone and because I PRETEND like I care I always find myself in situations with people asking my advice or wanting to talk to me and I really just want to hang up the phone or run away. I find it hard to find enjoyment around people, but people really want to be with me. (And why wouldn't they since I work so hard to be friendly/nice).

Maybe it's just me and how I think, but I believe a lot of people are the same way. People only care about themselves. I have the same issue as you, though, and I believe the reason for the lack of actual care is because I have yet to meet anyone that I genuinely care about and want to hear from. Being afraid of rejection forces you to fake interactions, but ultimately, rejection would probably be better for your mental health than forcing yourself to fake interactions with people. Fears are controlling.

NoOneKnowsMe wrote:My entire life has been a facade. I used people pleasing to keep from being rejected, but it's left me with a feeling of emptiness. I find myself getting annoyed so easily by people (they talk too much, brag too much about themselves, too insecure, etc.) and I'm VERY critical of other people (that comes from my father). I find it hard to have a genuine interest in anything people have to say. Possibly because I'm caught up in my own insecurities. It's gotten so bad that if someone tells me a story, I'll sit and think about how I should respond as opposed to really listening to the story.

I also have a very low tolerance for annoyance. When I look back on the last few years, my life has been a constant flow of acquaintances, not friends, because once I see those annoying flaws in people, I want absolutely nothing to do with them. I have a set of standards that I honestly don't believe anyone could live up to. It's easier to just say what you know you're supposed to say than actually care about what you're saying.

tahskie wrote:
Wow, reading your post was like reading my diary. My mother has been extremely critical of every single choice I have ever made in my life, and when you top that off with the ridicule from the teenage years, it had a huge impact on my emotional well-being. I'm so scared of making the "wrong" choice around my mother that I do everything and anything to try and hide bad choices I've made from her. Simply wearing the wrong type of shoe around her will lead to ridicule to the point where she will actually offer (& force me to accept it) to buy a new pair of shoes.

I think you're my twin!

-- Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:03 pm --

Brain Drain wrote:
NoOneKnowsMe wrote:So I was just wondering how many of you have gotten good at faking people out. And how many are people pleasers just to avoid rejection?

I learned to people please as a result of being constantly rejected by them. I don't like to be disliked for any reason because it makes me feel inadequate and unworthy. I feel the person i am is not good enough, and so i pretend to be something i'm not in the hopes of impressing others. I've done this for so many yrs that i've become nearly an expert at fooling people. I'm so good that even my closest friends don't know the real me. An incredible actor i am, yep that's me...

There was one time many yrs ago where i attended this summer camp at a university. I was so afraid of being rejected by everyone that i immediately invented an artificial persona: a guy who is cool, laid back and reserved, well traveled and experienced, mature, self sufficient and confident. Pretty crafty huh?

I became successful at pleasing everybody there by adjusting my personality to be compatible with theirs. For example, if someone had a certain viewpoint or belief i would simply adjust my words and behavior to not conflict with and actually compliment theirs. I pretended to be so open minded that my brain almost fell out. Basically i sculpted a perfectly shaped mask that could shape-shift into anything i wanted. Ultimately i was not in conflict with anyone and we never bumped heads.

Eventually my deception finally caught up with me. I became so "interesting" that everyone either wanted to talk to me about their problems or wanted me to hang out with them. But because i'm an AVPer, i fear interaction with people on basically any level. The more people got close the more i began to isolate myself from them out of the fear that they would eventually discover the real me and ultimately reject me for being a fraud, for having carefully and thoughtfully deceived them. They might discover that i'm actually an insecure, lazy, inexperienced, immature condescending an judgmental coward... and they did.

Out of my embarrassment I have never contacted any one of them since...

You have described my life to a T. And while it's frustrating, it is comforting to chat with people here who understand what it feels like. Wow! Fear of rejection is so amazingly powerful.

-- Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:06 pm --

Caroline123 wrote:This is pretty much how I manage to live day in day out. Everybody thinks that I am successful in everything.
I am afraid that if I make any friends, they will find out that I am a fraud. That I don’t have any family and practically no friends. I spend all holidays and my birthday alone. But if you look at my facebook page, you will think that I am super cool. I have lots of mileage and vacation time, which I don’t use because I am afraid that people will pity me for traveling by myself.
I go on a few dates and then push the guys away because I am afraid that they will notice. What kind of person doesn’t have any family of friends? But, honestly, I am very interesting. It just so happens that … I don’t know… people are busy, right? I don’t know. I don’t like to be around people either – it’s exhausting. Specially after social situations – I get so tired.
3 years in therapy for nothing… I really wish there was a way out of this.

I spend most Holidays alone and when I am with family, I wish I was alone. It's like a catch 22. And yes, social networking sites can be a great way to "fake" people out into thinking you are popular. At first I was obsessed with making as many "friends" as I could to appear popular. Although, I don't think this is a tactic of only Avoidants, I think a lot of people do this. I mean who really has 500 "friends"? In any event, I'm over FB but I can soooooooo relate to pushing guys away. I met a "nice" guy recently and have already started my usual avoidant pattern.

by **antiope** » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:06 pm

I've felt like this all my teenage and young adult life. It's been so unbearable, so hopeless. I don't have a clue anymore.
It's a never-ending cycle for me. Whenever I enter into a new community, first I'm a bit shy. I usually open up to a few people who are closer to me physically, let's say in a classroom, the person sitting next to me would be the one I'd communicate first.
Then comes the second part, I'm being the most super friend who always agrees and tries to make people feel happy. Still, everything is fine.
The last part is when people actually start taking advantage of me. Because I've made myself a total doormat, I never disagree nor tell my opinion. If someone makes fun of me or behaves inconsiderate I laugh off, just because I can't deal with any kind of conflict. It builds up and when I decide I can't take being treated as a doormat anymore I simply leave it. I don't confront anyone. I don't try to keep the friendship going. I just leave it, totally avoid them and end it just like that.
I don't have any friends. On my birthday, nobody texts me. Last year one of my parents forgot my birthday as well. I'm always alone, going to university, saying hi to a few acquintances, being invisible on social media, because I don't have a life. While writing this I literally felt sick. I don't know if anyone can imagine how does it feel to live like this.

by **sakura1** » Sun Jun 10, 2018 11:09 am

this is an old post but i relate.
i don't want to believe that i am closer to avpd but i think i am.i don't know also if this is depression.
the reason that i get unsure if it is avoidant is that i want to avoid people without knowing why.i don't feel like i am afraid of critisism nor anxious ,i just want to avoid them and i don't know exactly why.i am not afraid of saying my opinion and i can often get angry and face others if i feel offended. but in the big picture i want to avoid others.
and i am likeable to others because i tell them what they want to hear and i can adapt to them,they do ask me out but the problem is that i do not want to go out with them.
i often get pleasing with people that i find annoying,that makes them like me but i don't really like them.
i used to be more avoidant shy as a kid and awkward and didn't know how to adjust but after 18 i got extroverted and likeable and know how to manipulate others to like me but
i want to avoid others not because i feel shy.i don't know why.
when i say i am pleasing i will not let others treat me as doormat i get offended and speak up angry ,but i adjust to them and do not speak honestly about the things i like or what i am thinking. i am sure if i did they would be annoyed.
i treat them like they are clients always and i have to act for a job and not naturally.and feel free when i do not have to be with them.
can this be avoidant pd related?? i feel i do not want to believe it but i am.
i can't even make my own thread to ask.well i can if i push myself but i will prefer to avoid it because is tiresome,this fits usually about everything.
or i can get very extroverted but i can't do it for long time without wanting to leave

by **WinnieThePooh** » Sun Jun 10, 2018 6:13 pm

sakura1 wrote:this is an old post but i relate.
i don't want to believe that i am closer to avpd but i think i am.i don't know also if this is depression.
the reason that i get unsure if it is avoidant is that i want to avoid people without knowing why.i don't feel like i am afraid of critisism nor anxious ,i just want to avoid them and i don't know exactly why.i am not afraid of saying my opinion and i can often get angry and face others if i feel offended. but in the big picture i want to avoid others.
and i am likeable to others because i tell them what they want to hear and i can adapt to them,they do ask me out but the problem is that i do not want to go out with them.
i often get pleasing with people that i find annoying,that makes them like me but i don't really like them.
i used to be more avoidant shy as a kid and awkward and didn't know how to adjust but after 18 i got extroverted and likeable and know how to manipulate others to like me but
i want to avoid others not because i feel shy.i don't know why.
when i say i am pleasing i will not let others treat me as doormat i get offended and speak up angry ,but i adjust to them and do not speak honestly about the things i like or what i am thinking. i am sure if i did they would be annoyed.
i treat them like they are clients always and i have to act for a job and not naturally.and feel free when i do not have to be with them.
can this be avoidant pd related?? i feel i do not want to believe it but i am.
i can't even make my own thread to ask.well i can if i push myself but i will prefer to avoid it because is tiresome,this fits usually about everything.
or i can get very extroverted but i can't do it for long time without wanting to leave

I think this could be AvPD related. I wouldn't worry too much about whether you have a personality disorder or not. But let's just talk about avoidant vs. non-avoidant behavior.

A shy, avoidant person may learn to become more assertive and outgoing. But it could be that he or she is playing a role. Since it is only acting, any rejection may not be really perceived as a rejection because it is the public persona, the role, that is being rejected, but not one's true self. It sounds a bit that this may be the case here.

Deep down you may still feel insecure and perhaps not be completely aware of it.

by **sakura1** » Sun Jun 10, 2018 6:49 pm

thank you for answering!!

sorry for babling about me.
i think what you are saying is completely right. since i do feel very insecure etc
but not the way i often hear avoidants describe it so outward that it seems like vulnerability and it sounds bad and embarrasing to me.
if i do feel bad about myslef i would keep it to myself.like i would never express it the way some people here do.but i would express it in a way that is not annoying to others or doesn't feel embarassing.but inside i do feel bad.
although i have no problem when i hear others express it,i might feel less alone or it helps me open up when they do or it can also anger me when it lacks empathy i guess.

as avoidant do you know what your true self is though? because i am not always sure.sometimes it feels like it is nothing. or i don't know how to be that constantly.
there are moments that i feel i am not acting but most of the time i feel like i treat others as customers and i can't be spontaneous.
what you said is also very true because i do not mind being rejected that much but maybe because it is a persona.or if you avoid others you don't really get rejected,so you avoid feeling it as much as you can.
i don't know how to be me.either i would offend them that i do not care about them or what they are saying basically or i would just say what they want to hear .i don't know why it feels like there is no middle.
the resume is that it bothers me because i feel depressed constantly and i can't deal with it

by **MetatronEnoch** » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:50 am

I relate to a lot in this thread that over the years people have tried to take advantage of my good nature only to realize that I am not so easy to control once I start going my own way then they turn on me. Men get frustrated then eventually rage while women will gossip and back stab every way possible, people are great in small but meaningful doses but everyday they are horrendous. By the way don't be the emotional tampon where someone dumps all their toxic baggage on you so you end up being the sponge soaking up their mess only to be tossed away.

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