do you actually want to change?

Reynaert wrote: For someone like me, who desperately clings to what feels safe, doing that is the exact opposite of how I normally deal with life.

I know what you mean. I cried myself to sleep the first few nights after starting on anti-depressants. Not because the side effects were at play with my emotions...well maybe a little, but mostly I was distraught with the idea of living without my OCD.
I think depression tricks you into viewing happiness as something almost undesirable...at least that's my experience. Who wants to embrace something so foreign? And there's just something stressful about the idea of being happy. Too bright.
That's just the depression talking, though.
The meds have eased the depression a bit, but as luck would have it, the OCD decided to stick around after all .

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Yep, that's what I'm talking about.

I think that's part of the "all or nothing" thinking, and a lack of trust. I think it's possible to make little tweaks, to alter slightly, to cull and hone, but I don't trust that I would do that. I think "changing myself" is kind of like brain washing, that I wouldn't know where to end, that I would be pretending and false for the rest of my life, until I actually started believing in my own lies, and I would end up being a completely different person than I am now.

I definitely don't want that. I like myself, when it comes down to it. I just don't fit in with others. And I avoid them because I feel like I'm worth protecting. I don't want to have my uniqueness crushed out of me by rejection or by trying to be like everyone else.

But when I really think about it, I don't think that's the inevitable end. I'm not a kid. I'm not going to lose myself if I focus on what I want to continue doing and drop bad habits.

But that's what I'm afraid is going to happen, that I won't be able to control it if I start. And what's really ludicrous about that is that I have already started. But I can't see my progress. I start every day back at 0, I never give myself any credit. And that's due to how I've been treated all my life. And that's because it's the only kind of treatment I know, so it's the only kind that I recognize and accept. So I do have a lot of wiggle room, just by letting someone treat me well or accepting help, without changing anything else about myself, that would make a huge impact, it would start the ball rolling toward a much better future. But it's scary as hell to do that, because I don't know how to judge if someone is trustworthy, stemming from my lack of experience. So I've got to take baby steps - which I have been doing, even though I don't acknowledge it - and try to recognize where I really am instead of constantly thinking I'm back where I started.

Anyone know how to do that?

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Not sure what he means by "normal". Normal level of happiness? Normal as in without mental illnesses? Normal level of intelligence? If it's the first two then I disagree that normal people are stupid. Probably slightly smarter but nothing great. As for whether or not people of normal intelligence are stupid or not, it could be false by definition if stupid means well below average (er, median) intelligence. Or it could be IQ 100 does mean stupid, and the bar is higher up. But where? I think most people would place it below where they are since nobody thinks they are stupid, but high enough so they can feel good about part of a smallish group of smart people. I remember a study where people were asked to rate there own intelligence on a scale of 1 to 9. They said almost everyone picked "7". My interpretation of this is, well, of course I am much smarter than most people, but, on other the hand, don't throw expectations of genius level work at me. Lazy, but smog.

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There are significant changes I want to make.

If my past is a testament of my will then I have very little motivation to change. I am too passive and I do not actively do anythings. Things have happened, but did I make them happen? Was I the primary cause? Not really.

When I was younger I wanted to change but then I got extremely frustrated with that and just gave up on trying to change, I did improved a whole lot though, I was almost mute, I didn't look at anyone in the eye, I always looked at the floor expressionless, I wouldn't say hi or yes or no and barely nodded or simple ignore the people, I didn't smile, I was unfriendly... I was very awkward and resented with the world.

Those are the little things I changed over the time, I learn to stop looking at people as if I hated them and smile, and use a sweet tone when I talk if I ever did and to at least limit myself to give a short answer rather than anything at all, and to look up and try t see people in the eyes. But the part of being friendly with everyone and talkative and confident and so... that I never learned and I got tired of trying... I guess that I changed what made people bully me so much when I was younger, I change enough to survive in those days but not enough to be like everybody else, I can never hide the fact that I am different... and its always hard but It could have been worst if I were as I used to. Now days, I am happy as I am and people seem to like me, I just need a little bit more of confidence/courage that hopefully I would get over time but I don't want to push myself too much or I would become feed up with the topic of changing again and leave it alone, I would gradually do it...

Listener wrote:Yes, in many ways I do want to change. I have no interest in being normal, or fitting in, or being cool, but I don't want to feel like I do now. I don't want to feel afraid, or lonely, or depressed, or just unsatisfied. I want to be able to believe in myself.

A beautiful, simply stated wish, but not so simply achieved!

Since this is basically my thought as well, I chose "I want to add to my life." Fundamentally, I don't want to change. I just want to believe that what I have already is useable.