do you actually want to change?

I'm wondering about making changes, and if I even want to do it.

For example, I have suicidal ideation, and it's both conscious and unconscious, when things get really bad that's my coping technique. I have many variations and layers of it, and I can pretty much figure out where I am and how serious it is. In the past I have just white-knuckled through it. But now I'm in therapy so I have this contract, I'm supposed to do XYZ, blah blah blah. Last week I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone, and the pendulum swung back again, which was kind of be expected. I followed my contract to a T. When I told my therapist about it, she said good job, but maybe I should think about being hospitalized.

What the hell! I consider that to be a threat. I don't think I could recover. I would lose my job, and who knows what kind of work I would find when I got up, and in the meantime my bills would be piling up, so financially I would be completely screwed. And emotionally I would be mortified. There are some people who see it as an act of strength and self love to do extreme therapy, but I see it as a last ditch effort, so going would be proof that everything else I tried I failed. Plus it would take a couple of months before I would be comfortable enough with the people I was working with to trust them. And it would destroy my family - I can't imagine how worried my son would be. Plus, on top of all that, I truly doubt it would work.

Because, when it comes down to it, I don't think I want to change. I just want my life to continue as it is, but easier. I want a pill that mutes the feelings of loneliness, and then I'd be fine. I wouldn't turn down one that really got rid of anxiety either. I can't see myself changing or all this therapy working because I put blinders up and block out huge parts of what could be my life because I don't want them to be a part of my life. I'm definitely siding with the lesser of two evils all the way.

Or I could be grasping at straws trying to find a way to get out of DBT, which starts in less than a month.

I feel that I do want to change. And significant changes at that (I don't want to be socially anxious anymore, I hate having such low self-esteem, I would like a girlfriend I can bond with. Failing that, a friend with benefits at least. lol And I think having a greater social circle of friends to hang out with would do me good. Though I'm pretty comfortable with solitude on weekend nights).

There are times where I don't want to change though. For eg. When I see there being potential for me to connect with someone and I get my hopes up and then it doesn't work out, it really stings. I talked to a local girl on a dating site. She seemed decent. Then I did some "research" on her and found that she posted frequently on a particular forum. I saw her posts and my mind was blown seeing how similar her personality is to mine and I see that she too is "broken" (depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, on meds. Socially, she is in a better place than me. I'm very much isolated. But there's a lot of torment on the inside on her part) and you know how I am with "broken girls" (combine that with the fact that she's pretty and likely finds me attractive and I just can't ignore the pangs of loneliness any longer).

But then I'm worried to death I might have blown it with her (I'm shy, she's shy, it's like a stale mate. And I think she might be avoiding me now but that could just be my inner negative critical voice playing tricks on me). And if not, I have no clue how to break the ice and form a connection. I know the potential is there given what I'm not supposed to know about her (lol). But I can't just say that I looked her up online and found out all these things about her. lol. With her personality profile being similar to mine, I have a feeling that the same thing that works on me (to break the ice) will work on her. In the past, women have earned my trust and drawn me out of my shell when they disclosed their issues to me (like i said, I like the "broken girls"). I can't help but connect in those situations. I'm drawn to fellow tortured souls. And I have a feeling she is the same way given what I know about her. But I'm not going to be mopey about it. I'm just going to be upfront about my issues (not 100% but I'm going to give her insight about how crippling my social anxiety is, hoping that this will strike a chord with her and things will get going. Because small talk isn't working for her. No surprise because it doesn't work with me to get me comfortable and she's like a female "mirror" of me. Of course I'm going against every PUA guide known to man if I choose to be upfront about perhaps my biggest weakness. But you know what, f- it. She might even respect that I have the balls to admit and talk about my greatest flaw).

So when I feel hopeless, I want to revert back to solitude. And sometimes going back to solitude won't cheer me up (at least not right away). I'm experiencing Anhedonia somewhat right now. For eg. I don't feel like playing videogames even though that seems to be a hobby I quite enjoy and a good escape. I tried playing on my Xbox last night and I just wasn't having fun with it. Maybe I'll try tv/movies or reading. Right now I'm spending a lot of time living inside my own head and I'm in this depressed mood.

And then there are practical reasons for me to want to change (ie. progressing in my career). But I find that this isn't a strong motivator. The best motivator for me is to do something for it's own sake. Not to do something in order to get an external reward (ie. go out there and socialize to develop your social skills and then you'll get that promotion or you'll get that good job offer).

On Monday I start the most the challenging project at work in my entire life. That is no joke, or just my narcissism talking. The rewards stand to be great, and it will just be plain fun.

I have been thinking about starting therapy myself, but there is no way I am going to do that until this projects is over. Maybe late summer. In the meantime, I think I have got a good understanding of AvPD, but I'm just starting to learn about NPD. Another reason I don't want to start therapy right now. I don't like the idea of my therapist hitting me with huge insights out of the blue, or telling me stuff before I have enough background to evaluate whether it is total BS or not.

Longer term, I do want a huge reduction in the amount of avoidance and the narcissism which causes just as many problems. I am not sure how far I can go though, because I am not sure I really want a conventional existence. There seems to be a limited number of hours a week I am comfortable being around people even in the best of times. Maybe 8 to 16 hours. I think that kind of rules marriage or even most serious LTRs, unless I could find a woman with the same preferences, or I was so madly in love that the preference all changed.

As for the narcissism, I think it protects me from depression, and has some other benefits, although it, of course, is very bad overall. I don't think I would want to get rid of it completely if the alternative was deep depression and thoughts of suicide.

My hope is that by getting the avoidance to the right level for me the narcissism would become unnecessary, or maybe just little bit, like your typical American Normie has.


(I think I should also add that I have a backup plan if I am not able to reduce the AvPD/narcissitic traits down to levels I want. This "plan B" is certainly not as good as "plan A", life would suck alot, overall, but I think I could finish out life without any major depression. I still think it's a few yers off for me, before I would be ready to admit that I had to accept that there will always be a high level of avoidance for me.)

AlAtBar wrote:There seems to be a limited number of hours a week I am comfortable being around people even in the best of times. Maybe 8 to 16 hours. I think that kind of rules marriage or even most serious LTRs, unless I could find a woman with the same preferences, or I was so madly in love that the preference all changed.

Try a long distance relationship. My son's father lived two states away for the entirety of our relationship. It was only a couple hours away - that's how long it would take to go to the mall fighting all the traffic, so it wasn't that big a deal. But it definitely kept drop-in visits to a minimum, and there was always planning involved, so no surprises. Or very few surprises anyway.

Lost cause here. I feel you completely, on the pendulum. The harder I try to swing it in a strange new direction, the more devastating the return is.

This is my first post here. I'm not sure if this is where I belong. I've tried browsing sexual aversion forums, dating advice forums, etc. but I didn't quite fit.

I came across this site and read some of the posts here and the stories sound similar to mine.

I don't think I have the suicidal ideations, but I that's probably because of my time spent as a volunteer firefighter. I'm not to where I'd pull a trigger and end it all, but if I had to go out in a 'blaze of glory' (please don't mistake the word choice for narcissism, that's just how I'd prefer to go out), I could see that happening. At this point, I wouldn't hesitate to lay my life down for someone else, as an alternative to growing old and living alone.

Yes, in many ways I do want to change. I have no interest in being normal, or fitting in, or being cool, but I don't want to feel like I do now. I don't want to feel afraid, or lonely, or depressed, or just unsatisfied. I want to be able to believe in myself.

There are a lot of changes that I want and need to make in my life. I know I will never be the most outgoing person in the world or be the life of a party; but I would like to finally go outside of my house, go to college, and not feel like a total loser or worry about what others are thinking of me. I want to finally live life, take up the internships offer, and travel to the different parts of the world, not just imagine or dream of going in my head. I would like to be social and be able to hold a conversation without being nervous of feeling as if I want to vomit. Most importantly I want to show my real self to the world, and finally take off this metaphorical mask I wear around my family, in fear of them not liking what they would see underneath it all.

I should clarify my ideas about this. I wish I could wake up changed; there are so many things I want that I could have if I could give myself a chance. It's the transition period, the actual change over, that I don't want to have to experience. If I compare the miserable status quo with the hell I would go through trying to change, I'm staying right where I am. For now.

ck2d wrote:I should clarify my ideas about this. I wish I could wake up changed; there are so many things I want that I could have if I could give myself a chance. It's the transition period, the actual change over, that I don't want to have to experience. If I compare the miserable status quo with the hell I would go through trying to change, I'm staying right where I am. For now.

I see what you are saying now, and I agree. I truly want all the things I mentioned in my post, but as you mention its all the steps that one would have to take to reach that stable status that makes one stay the same. For example I would actually have to go through counselling, come clean to my family, and face my biggest fear of being rejected by every one around me once everything is expose. The rejection is what keeps me from changing, but the idea of being able to do the things in my previous post makes me want to go through the sure to be rough transition period.

I voted 'There are significant changes I want to make'.

I want to change my life, because at the rate things are going now I see myself ending up lonely and unhappy. Right now I am not entirely unhappy and definitely not beyond hope about the future, although I will have to accept I will never make life easy for myself. To change my life, I will have to change myself.

However, what is difficult for me to accept that I will have to change the way I think. I value my mind and how I think as my greatest asset, but I also realize that some parts of it are simply flawed if my goal in life is to be happy. But that is who I am, how I have been ever since I started really thinking about the world around me (probably around age 11). Because if I am not the way I think, what am I, what is left? To abandon those intimate parts of me is hard, because I feel that is like admitting to myself that I am not happy with myself as a person, that it is not OK to be the person I am, that I have to kill what I am now. I guess in order to change yourself, you have to be willing to let go. For someone like me, who desperately clings to what feels safe, doing that is the exact opposite of how I normally deal with life.

I suppose that regardless of personal change you are never the exact same person you were in the past. If I do not change now, I just know my future self will curse my old self for not changing when I still had most of my life ahead of me. Therefore, I try to think of it not as changing myself, but sacrificing my current miserable self for a happy future of a new self. Someone not exactly me, but closer to me than anyone else, a witness to everything I will have done. If I see it that way, it seems a noble effort and no longer about being unsatisfied with my current self, but about putting in effort to give new person a better chance at enjoying life. That makes it easier, much like how I am sometimes willing to do things I would never do for myself just to make my girlfriend or closest relatives happy.

But sometimes I think I should just accept unhappiness and loneliness. Books are generally only interesting if they are (also) about the dark side of humanity. Movies with sad endings can be worth watching. Why should it be different for a human life? Which in my opinion is like a grand story, in which we are observer, actor and writer at the same time.