Do I have APD?

Hi Chucky,

Yes it makes sense. What I mean by abusing myself is that I spent so much of my life creating and maintaining a persona that did not reflect who I really was. I was trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. I was spending all of my energy on trying to read other people and respond to them in an "appropriate" manner. I have spent so much of my life trying to be "normal" that I find it next to impossible just to be myself anymore - I actually don't even really know what my true self is.

When your so busy listening, watching, filtering and obsessing it takes a toll on the the mental and emotional energy. Every time I enter into a human interaction it feels like it is a life or death situation and if I don't get it right, I will be harmed in one way or another.

Plain and simple - I just don't like people - at least I don't like being in their physical presence. I don't want them to get through my armor, I don't want to be vulnerable. I truly don't know why it is such a big deal to me but I do know it is highly irrational.

MsR

Well, just keeping churning away at thoughts such as "Im a good person and don't care what others think", "I have every right to be here too", etc. I mst admit that I've gone a little too far towards the opposite end of the spectrum right now in that I enjoy when some people are hurt. If they deserve it, then that's fine by me. i've suffered so much being in the same position you are.

Kevin