Do I have APD?

Hi,

I'm new on here and joined this site because I am depserately trying to figure out what is wrong with me! I have clinical depression and anxiety issues, I know that, but there seems to be more.

I read the write-up on APD as I have always been suspicious that I had it. Everything I read rang true for me. I do not like social interaction - period. Up to now, my life has been full of it and it has always been a struggle. I have this constant pain in my chest that increases and decreases in intensity depending on the experience. The difference is that I am comfortable with the idea of limiting social interactions and I don't crave the company of others.

I have a supportive husband who is my best friend and he is really the only interaction that I need. There is my daughter too, who does not live with me, but the part time periods I see her are more than enough. I enjoy them and do not want to increase the amount of time spent with her as I want her to always have me at my best. Then there is my mother, who suffers from bipolar disorder and is also the type who would prefer very little company - her and I are able to talk about our lacking social skill sets together and also get into some really satisfying intellectual discussions.

Other than that and perhaps visiting some friends on the very RARE occassion, I would prefer to have NO MORE socializing. Those are the only times where the pain in my chest is little to none. Naturally this presents a problem because of work. There is very little out there that one can do that does not require social interaction. I am currently on LTD from my job due to my depression and alcoholism (which I have been sober from for just over 4 months). For the month of Feb, I was happier and more content than I ad EVER been in my life! I spent my days and my time on activities at home and had very little social interaction. I noticed that when I did have to interact, when it ended I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

The thing is though, I am HAPPY being this way, it's just that it is going to be very difficult to get what I want because of the fact that I live in a society that is just riddled with social interaction. I am petrified to go back to work because I don't want to go back to feeling like I did before, constantly wary, paranoid, inadequate, warding off people from getting to close to me. I have very little interest in the lives of others because all of my cognitive energy goes to just trying to cope with being in the presence of others.

I have tasted true happiness here at home and I don't want to lose that. I still have my bouts of depression and am going through one right now as a matter of fact. However, just knowing that I can have periods of real happiness makes it worth it. If I have to go back into the social world too much, I will lose that sense of peace because my mind will again be focused on just trying to get through a day surrounded with people.

I read the treatment and it scares me. I don't WANT to learn how to handle social situations better. As a matter of fact, that's what I have done my whole life. I have been to various therapists and have read plenty of books, etc.. I simply want to be able to just be who I am because I really am starting to believe that there is nothing wrong with it. It's just because I don't fit in to the general mold that it is automatically assumed something is wrong with it. I guess I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

Does anyone have any insights or thoughts for me? I need some third party input because there comes a point where your own introspection just isn't cutting it anymore and almost reaches the point of obsession.

Thanks,
MainStreamRenegde

Heya,

AvPD seems to fit you indeed, but it's not the most informative diagnosis when you consider the entire personality of someone (i.e. you). What I mean is it doesn't paint the entire picture of someone. I identify with AvPD too, but I have Asperger's Syndrome. Coincidentally, what you speak of here fits the Asperger's criteria too (on face value). The not wanting to socialise especially rings true. Anyway, you don't have to socialise too much, but keeping some level of contact with the outside world is a must (I think). You know, each Friday night (as it is right now) I feel unbelievably stressed because of all the social interaction during the week. It's so bad at times that my chest feels 'torn'.

Kevin

Thanks for your reply. I also thought about Asperger's as it relates to the social aspect of it. I also agree with you about having some social contact in your life. It's not being able to choose when you want it that is the biggest problem. I am definitely tired of spending my evenings and days off recovering from my week, leaving me no time to actually live and enjoy my life.

Needless to say I am in a pretty low low right now.

Well, you're not the only person with that kind of chest pain. For me, however, I feel a kind of bad feeling in my general chest area, almost like my heart pauses or something. It can't really be described as any kind of conventional pain, but it definitely feels bad. I used to feel that if I tried hard enough and had that feeling long enough, I could give myself a heart attack or stop my heart. Of course, this may sound all emo to you people out there but yeah, I wonder if you feel that same way.

Infrangilis wrote:Well, you're not the only person with that kind of chest pain. For me, however, I feel a kind of bad feeling in my general chest area, almost like my heart pauses or something. It can't really be described as any kind of conventional pain, but it definitely feels bad. I used to feel that if I tried hard enough and had that feeling long enough, I could give myself a heart attack or stop my heart. Of course, this may sound all emo to you people out there but yeah, I wonder if you feel that same way.

I had this huge tension field around the chest aera( as big as a size of a baloon). Never could put my finger on it what it really was untill reacently. It appears that emotions that are not processed are storded up within our body's . Sadness is know to store up at the chest aera, at least you know now

Yes, emotions do definitely manifest in other ways if they are not truly felt. My mom always says that depression is the result of turning rage inward on yourself (I have depression too which I'm sure many of you deal with too).

My chest pains are never as severe as going into cardiac arrest!! But ya, there are varying degrees of the pain and duration - the longer it sits in my chest, the more drained I feel. It's almost like all of the energy in my body is flowing into that focal point and it is being transformed into something negative. I must say, it really sucks!!

I do find that if I breath deeply and take a time out that it helps but sometimes I get so wrapped up in what's going on that I forget to do that. Not to mention, when I'm in my lows, I forget to do EVERYTHING bc I'm too busy just trying to keep my head as close to the surface as I can. Know what I mean?

MainStreamRenegade wrote:I have a supportive husband who is my best friend and he is really the only interaction that I need. There is my daughter too, who does not live with me, but the part time periods I see her are more than enough. I enjoy them and do not want to increase the amount of time spent with her as I want her to always have me at my best. Then there is my mother, who suffers from bipolar disorder and is also the type who would prefer very little company - her and I are able to talk about our lacking social skill sets together and also get into some really satisfying intellectual discussions.

Other than that and perhaps visiting some friends on the very RARE occassion, I would prefer to have NO MORE socializing. Those are the only times where the pain in my chest is little to none. Naturally this presents a problem because of work. There is very little out there that one can do that does not require social interaction. I am currently on LTD from my job due to my depression and alcoholism (which I have been sober from for just over 4 months). For the month of Feb, I was happier and more content than I ad EVER been in my life! I spent my days and my time on activities at home and had very little social interaction. I noticed that when I did have to interact, when it ended I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

Does anyone have any insights or thoughts for me? I need some third party input because there comes a point where your own introspection just isn't cutting it anymore and almost reaches the point of obsession.

Thanks,
MainStreamRenegde

Hello, MainStreamRenegade. Days ago I read our post in another forum and decided I'd wait to answer, because I wanted to come up with some profound wisdom to impart. And I failed woefully. All I can definitively say is CONGRATULATIONS on being sober for 4 months! So few people understand how Herculean that can be all by itself. Every day you're a hero.

There's also that less mature part of me that wonders if anyone with true AvPD can even get to a place in their life where they were able to get married and have a child. But there are degrees and spectrums in all personality types. It sounds like you have a social phobia (social anxiety disorder) for sure, and that--couple with a natural introverted tendency--be hard for even the most season psych professional to "tease out" whether or not there's a personality disorder there.

The thing you said at the end of your post about your own introspection becoming an obsession...? Honey, I KNOW. My natural inclination is to go in, in, ever inward, which over time can become an epic journey into the depths of one's self. I did that all through my 20s and even early 30s, and it felt very fulfilling--even joyous. I filled over 3000 pages of journals with thoughts I convinced myself were brilliant. But eventually the isolation caught up with me, and the thoughts turned every more negative, angry, and nihilistic. Ultimately where did all that self-analysis leave me..? In an Alice Rabbit Hole of distortion, total self doubt, and meaninglessness.

MainStreamRen, though it may seem against your grain, it's not the best idea to go rabbit-hole diving for too long. It still pains me to say it, but having reached my 40th birthday recently, I can't deny the truth of how I squandered my youth in a self-made Rabbit Hole at the expense of relationships, marriage, and learning an actual professional skill I could use to take care of myself in this scary world.

Try finding a likeminded group that you can meet up with at least once a month or so. People other than your family, because even if you have good relationships with all your loved ones, new people bring new perspectives in tow. Whether it be AA or hiking club or a basket-weaving circle or a Wiccan Coven, you'll leave that afternoon with them feeling a little brighter. I don't recommend hanging out with people all weekend long or every day or even once a week. (Blech! Too much!) But just for a few hours every now and then.

I hope what I say makes some sense and doesn't offend you or anything.

Hi IvoryBill,

No offence taken from anything you said. I am not one that offends easily and welcome all and any opinions. I do agree with you that I need to throw in a little socializing now and then and I also agree that it should be kept short and sporadic. It is the rest I could do without. I want to reach a point where I can decide when, where and with whom I socialize.

My life has taken a bit of a different path than yours. I struggled to try to be just like all the other social creatures of the world. I made the friends, I worked towards a career, etc. I was hoping that I would eventually get over my "shyness". However, it never improved and eventually the liquid courage that I used took over me and almost destroyed me. I now realize that I will never be able to alter myself to fit in with the more maintream social creatures of the world.

I also feel like I have been abusing my mind and body up to this point by trying to be something I'm not. Over time, my disinterest in and fear of people has gotten worse - as though I just don't have anything left in me to keep playing the charade I have spent my whole life playing. So, we shall see what I can come up with to change my life so that it will be more comfortable and I can actually experience some joy for a change!

MainStreamRenegade wrote:Hi IvoryBill,

No offence taken from anything you said. I am not one that offends easily and welcome all and any opinions. I do agree with you that I need to throw in a little socializing now and then and I also agree that it should be kept short and sporadic. It is the rest I could do without. I want to reach a point where I can decide when, where and with whom I socialize.

Sorry I may have read into your post a bit too much. You mentioned isolation due to long-term disability from work, and from there I kinda gleaned all the factors present that could cause a person to begin self-obsessing and to find themselves "spiraling in" uncontrollably. I guess I thought maybe that's where you might be headed, and I was just trying to flash a yellow warning sign. Then again, in some cultures--more introspective cultures--this journey into the self would be called shamanistic, or Jungian, or something super-cool like that, and deemed an admirable way to pass a month or a year. If it's what you have to do come out a stronger peson on the other side, then it's what you have to do.

I'm also sorry that, in my first reply to you in this thread, something went woefully wrong toward the end of the second paragraph. It's tragic when bad things happen to good sentences.

MainStreamRenegade wrote:I also feel like I have been abusing my mind and body up to this point by trying to be something I'm not. Over time, my disinterest in and fear of people has gotten worse - as though I just don't have anything left in me to keep playing the charade I have spent my whole life playing. So, we shall see what I can come up with to change my life so that it will be more comfortable and I can actually experience some joy for a change!

In what ways have you been abusive? I can relate to everything else you've said in this paragraph though. I suppose I can relate to the abusive remark too. How I got around all of this was by building up my anger and self-confidence together. like, I started saying to myself: 'I have every right to be here just as everyone else does'. I had previously been living in fear whenever I stepped outside the door, but now I let myself become angry with people (in a productive way though) and I'm happier than I was.

I hope this makes sense.