Powerlessness

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. There's a spot off an interstate off-ramp where you can drive your car into the rocky base of a hill. A guy killed himself like that last year. It's pretty easy to buy a gun too.

Please don't kill yourself. Don't give up on what you want out of life. Honestly everything I can think to say sounds stupid. Don't leave us.

I'm not planning on doing it. I just can't stop thinking about it. Life is pain. I'm tired of it. I'm free of responsibility. No one needs me. I don't even have a cat to take care of anymore.

Hey, Parador. Have a bit of patience. I´m sure all is gonna be better. I know life is sometimes a really $#%^. Hey do you remember when some time ago, you were jocking with Chucky and you were talking to me about imaging to be a vegetable. You made me smile. You are the same person but now you feel so bad because you are having lots of problems.
We are with you, my friend.
You say that you haven´t got any responsabilities. Ok, let me delete my words in the last posts and if you need a responsability and an aim to fight for, think about all these people that you are helping. You know, the nuts in this hospital. This is a good purpose to live, honey and says a lot about you. And let me remember you that you´ve got a responsability here, in this forum.
A strong hug!

twistermind wrote:You say that you haven´t got any responsabilities. Ok, let me delete my words in the last posts and if you need a responsability and an aim to fight for, think about all these people that you are helping. You know, the nuts in this hospital.
A strong hug!

They have kicked me out of that hospital. I'm doing my best to fight for the program they are cancelling, but it seems doomed. I even spoke at a press conference and to news reporters on camera. It was awful. I hate being on camera. I hate the sight of myself and the sound of my voice. Some of what I said is on youtube. I cannot bear to watch it.

The state's governor has the power to keep it. He won't. The legislature gave him the power to cut what he wants and not veto due to the budget crisis. The program can run revenue neutral but my bosses would not let it. They have treated me very badly in the past few years. It has made me regress and lose much of the progress I have made over the years. I am now looking for a job after in effect being fired from my last job. I am not really fired. I will be laid off in a few weeks while suspended and under investigation. That doesn't sound too good, does it? That's the admin's dirty tricks to crush all dissent.

Parador wrote: They have treated me very badly in the past few years. It has made me regress and lose much of the progress I have made over the years. I am now looking for a job after in effect being fired from my last job. I am not really fired. I will be laid off in a few weeks while suspended and under investigation. That doesn't sound too good, does it? That's the admin's dirty tricks to crush all dissent.

I know, Parador. Your bosses are assholes, bad people, tyrant. $#%^! I don´t know what to tell you. When the hell are they going to finish their fuc´ing investigation, my god! I suppouse you´re finding more difficulties to find a job due to your suspension. Is it ok?.

There is no investigation. It is just a way of getting me out without due process. I have talked to a reporter who has seen it done to others. If you blow the wistle on their mismanagment this is what they do to get rid of you and discredit you. I know another guy who was out a whole year under "investigation." He finally quit.

Parador, I think it's amazing what you're doing to fight for that program even though it's torture for you. Who knows, hopefully you'll end up working someplace where your honesty and general awesomeness will be appreciated. Often we have to go through a lot of absurd, painful $#%^ before something nice can happen.

Parador, what about Trade Unions? When I have a laboral problem I usually address them for information. Can they do somehing in relation your bosses´false investigation?

I'm not sure what good it will do. I'm laid off anyway. My lawyer says there's nothing to do since they are paying me. They haven't really taken any action against me. Right now I'm a total cripple with my foot all bandaged up. No choice but to have the surgery now since I will lose my insurance when I lose my job. I'm a useless cripple.

I know many who have quit this union anyway. They really go to bat for people who deserve to get fired. If you are stealing or showing up drunk for work they are there for you. But I repoprted someone for NOT WORKING. Ugh. I'm the evil one. Did you ever see that old Peter Sellers movie "I'm All Right Jack"? Check that one out.