self monitoring...

someones post made me think of this..
i think this is something we do while we are in conversation with someone else to make sure we dont screw up or say something stupid.. but actually it makes us focus on ourselves to much so the conversation can be unnatural and difficult to think of what to say next. i think what we should be doing is putting our attention on the other person, not ourselfs.. then things can be a bit more natural.
anyway i was just writing this as the person who was writing about was writing as if it were a good thing, but it really isnt.... thoughts??

My thoughts are that you are absolutely right in what you're saying; and I've realised that I did/do this. However, we can train ourselves to stop it, and to just speak when something comes to our heads. The aim is to have a fluid conversation, where eachsentence by the respected parties just goes on and on. In effect, the conversation should be non-stop for large groups of people. If it's just two, it can still flow as I've described, but there will be silent moments too (but don't let them be uncomfortable).

Kevin

I think I do this. And it's not a good thing in my view. It makes the conversation die down quickly. Not only that but it's also draining...

I'm trying to work on doing this less but it's extremely difficult to stop once you get your mind thinking that way. I'll usually monitor myself so much that i block out what the person is saying and can make conversations really embarrassing and difficult to maintain.

I´m not only a self-monitoring but also a monitoring of others. And, it really sucks. It´s a lots of energy, but how to stop it?
I suppouse by training, reprograming our brain. Let´s see what other people says.

twistermind wrote:I´m not only a self-monitoring but also a monitoring of others. And, it really sucks. It´s a lots of energy, but how to stop it?
I suppouse by training, reprograming our brain. Let´s see what other people says.

I get what you mean. It's a strong enough thought process to cut a good night short, which is a shame if you've built yourself up to want to go out, and overcome fears.

I don't claim to be an expert on this, and I've only been able to apply 'the trick' on a very inconsistent basis. But, that 'trick' seems to be the ability to have an on/off switch to part of your brain.

In the on-position, you think about things... everything... the best way I can describe it is running yourself in debug mode. Any conviction, obsession, compulsion, etc. comes into consciousness and is subjected to you judging yourself. It can be anything from social anxiety to abstract, artistic thoughts. But, it comes into the visible field of the mind's eye, and both overloads and drains you by having to think about everything.

In the off-position, you don't think about things... not much of anything... it's like letting yourself run and giving your conscious mind a day off. And, as a result, it's much easier and less draining to have a semblence of a social life. You just kinda go with the flow and trust that you're not going to screw up. In the case of the avoidant, it's a fear that by screwing up, you'll be rejected for some reason. The thing that's really scary about it is... can you trust yourself? I feel like that's where a lot of esteem issues come into play.. where you don't trust yourself because you feel that going with the flow will expose your inherent flaws.. and then you'll be rejected. There's also the issue of perfectionism getting in the way... but I'm not sure that's really appropriate here.

Ideally, you can switch on/off when it's appropriate to do so (usually "on" for anything that requires a higher level of thinking like academics, and "off" where overthinking is a burden). But, that could be looking at things from a perfectionist perspective. It may be more plausible, and perhaps beneficial, simply to establish a happy medium between the two.

Does that make sense?

m1norityofone984 wrote:

twistermind wrote:I´m not only a self-monitoring but also a monitoring of others. And, it really sucks. It´s a lots of energy, but how to stop it?
I suppouse by training, reprograming our brain. Let´s see what other people says.

I get what you mean. It's a strong enough thought process to cut a good night short, which is a shame if you've built yourself up to want to go out, and overcome fears.

I don't claim to be an expert on this, and I've only been able to apply 'the trick' on a very inconsistent basis. But, that 'trick' seems to be the ability to have an on/off switch to part of your brain.

In the on-position, you think about things... everything... the best way I can describe it is running yourself in debug mode. Any conviction, obsession, compulsion, etc. comes into consciousness and is subjected to you judging yourself. It can be anything from social anxiety to abstract, artistic thoughts. But, it comes into the visible field of the mind's eye, and both overloads and drains you by having to think about everything.

In the off-position, you don't think about things... not much of anything... it's like letting yourself run and giving your conscious mind a day off. And, as a result, it's much easier and less draining to have a semblence of a social life. You just kinda go with the flow and trust that you're not going to screw up. In the case of the avoidant, it's a fear that by screwing up, you'll be rejected for some reason. The thing that's really scary about it is... can you trust yourself? I feel like that's where a lot of esteem issues come into play.. where you don't trust yourself because you feel that going with the flow will expose your inherent flaws.. and then you'll be rejected. There's also the issue of perfectionism getting in the way... but I'm not sure that's really appropriate here.

Ideally, you can switch on/off when it's appropriate to do so (usually "on" for anything that requires a higher level of thinking like academics, and "off" where overthinking is a burden). But, that could be looking at things from a perfectionist perspective. It may be more plausible, and perhaps beneficial, simply to establish a happy medium between the two.

Does that make sense?

Makes sense to me, and I think that's actually how I've been trying to do things as of recent. I basically go "off" in a social situation and just totally forget about everything. I try to just relax, think of nothing beyond what people are saying and say whats on my mind in response. I feel like its pretty difficult to do at times and it takes a lot of energy to initially turn "off," but the end result is usually worth it.

Hmm, that aspect of AVPD is kinda interesting. With many secret schizoids the opposite is the case. We monitor the others in order to adjust ourselves to them. For example, when there is a situation that requires emotional responses (like a funeral), I scan all the persons around me and try to imitate their behaviour. Or when some girl I know wants me to listen to her problems, I observe her the whole time and act according to it, pretending to be the understanding listener.

Monitoring myself isn't neccessary because I mostly have perfect control over my facial expression.

m1norityofone984 wrote:
In the off-position, you don't think about things... not much of anything... it's like letting yourself run and giving your conscious mind a day off. And, as a result, it's much easier and less draining to have a semblence of a social life. You just kinda go with the flow and trust that you're not going to screw up. In the case of the avoidant, it's a fear that by screwing up, you'll be rejected for some reason. The thing that's really scary about it is... can you trust yourself? I feel like that's where a lot of esteem issues come into play.. where you don't trust yourself because you feel that going with the flow will expose your inherent flaws.. and then you'll be rejected. There's also the issue of perfectionism getting in the way... but I'm not sure that's really appropriate here.

Ideally, you can switch on/off when it's appropriate to do so (usually "on" for anything that requires a higher level of thinking like academics, and "off" where overthinking is a burden). But, that could be looking at things from a perfectionist perspective. It may be more plausible, and perhaps beneficial, simply to establish a happy medium between the two.

Does that make sense?

that really does make alot of sense, i hope i can figure out how to find this off switch and be in this more natural mode... the thing is when i am like this i the things i say are great anyway and they just come out naturally, its usually way better than something i have to sit there and think up cus im self monitoring so much to make sure i sayy the right thing.

@m1norityofone984,
That´s make lot of sense to me,too.
This is exactly what I need to get. You have described it perfectly. Even, I have issues of perfectionism. The real problem is that I don´t trust in me. I have too fear to failure because I don´t consider me good enough.
Lately, I´m reading about possitivist phychology and I have heard about a book with two Cds that it seems according to the author that reprogramming your brain to be a more possitive person.
I like how you explain the stuff.