self monitoring...

Cirvante wrote:Hmm, that aspect of AVPD is kinda interesting. With many secret schizoids the opposite is the case. We monitor the others in order to adjust ourselves to them. For example, when there is a situation that requires emotional responses (like a funeral), I scan all the persons around me and try to imitate their behaviour. Or when some girl I know wants me to listen to her problems, I observe her the whole time and act according to it, pretending to be the understanding listener.

Monitoring myself isn't neccessary because I mostly have perfect control over my facial expression.

So you are not been yourself, aren´t you? But, in other side you don´t care about other people jugde you or think about you. Am I right? wow, This will be for me a liberalization!

oh it goes on all the time when i'm around people[not with my mother,i feel]...
even now,while i'm writing this,and was reading the replies to this post,i was going through the reactions the words written in these posts can have on a person.what the heck!
this scrutiny of everything has become like something inescapable for me.whenever i write something,or say something,i go over it repeatedly and try to imagine what it may be perceived as by people.i read every single sentence i write atleast 3 times,and try to make it as invulnerable as possible.but of course,this damn chaos! it is impossible to be absolutely invulnerable.
but yes,here i can atleast write much more freely as i know people here would be understanding.
it seems just unbelievable to me even,at times!
how calculated,carefully weighed my responses mostly are.heck.spontaneity is dead in me.
even now,i'm thinking how people will find this reply...

shoonya,
Don´t feel uncomfortable, here. People understand this kind of thigs very well. And, I´d like to tell you one more thing, be sure your spontaneity is sleeping but not dead. I suppouse that in the way we accept and be proud of ourselves, we will lost the fear we feel in relation to what other people could feel or thought about us (in many ocassions, thoughts and feelings that are only in our heads).

thanks for your kind words,twistermind.
you know,this just makes me feel like crying.i feel like i have always locked up my feelings,just to escape being humiliated.but i am extremely happy that i have found this group,and there are people who do understand me because they have actualy felt like me.
you knwo,there is so much love inside me...eventhough i feel that i hate most people...i know that this love needs people's understanding and acceptance.that's all.and now that i can share with you people my repressed feelings,i feel great.

You´re welcome. It´s only the truth. Hate and Love are emotions so it´s natural you feel both in some moment. Obviously feeling love is better, mainly for our own health.
Welcome and I wish you progress and feel better each day.
Good luck!

ultimate_krang wrote:i think this is something we do while we are in conversation with someone else to make sure we dont screw up or say something stupid.. but actually it makes us focus on ourselves to much so the conversation can be unnatural and difficult to think of what to say next.

A site many here have referenced is: http://www.tljones.co.uk/apd/apd.htm

It collects the most, good information in one spot as any site I have read. Self-monitoring is discussed for exactly the reasons you state.

This is probably my major problem. I have always been quiet and not much of a conversationalist and this is where most of my low self-esteem comes from. Why would anyone want to hang around with someone who has nothing to say. How incredibly boring and uncomfortable for them. I'll save them the bother and just stay at home.
I've thought that's just who I am but from actually discussing my problems for once with the one person I feel truly close to and more recently with a therapist - I think there's some sort of subconscious (for the most part) filter stopping me from saying everything that's in my head. The less you say, the less likely you are to say something stupid etc. And so the less likely you are to feel embarrassed/ashamed. I can good conversations with nearly anyone if I'm drunk enough, so it's not as if it's not in there, it's just that I'm not letting myself access it.

avoidandacircle wrote:This is probably my major problem. I have always been quiet and not much of a conversationalist and this is where most of my low self-esteem comes from. Why would anyone want to hang around with someone who has nothing to say. How incredibly boring and uncomfortable for them. I'll save them the bother and just stay at home.
I've thought that's just who I am but from actually discussing my problems for once with the one person I feel truly close to and more recently with a therapist - I think there's some sort of subconscious (for the most part) filter stopping me from saying everything that's in my head. The less you say, the less likely you are to say something stupid etc. And so the less likely you are to feel embarrassed/ashamed. I can good conversations with nearly anyone if I'm drunk enough, so it's not as if it's not in there, it's just that I'm not letting myself access it.

Can I ask you a question? Are you quiet with all people, including your relatives or closed friends?

There's people I'm a lot more comfortable around and I say more. I still probably contribute a lot less to the conversation than the average though. I think I am quite a quiet and introspective person on top of everything else anyway.

This is not bad. There are many introverted people. there are many people who prefer a quiet person raher than a talkative one. the problem comes when you don´t accept yourself as you are. You needn´t feel inferior to anyone because you were a quiet person.

Look, one of my few closed friends is a very, very talkative person and I usually need a rest after being with her.