An SPD dating an AvPD?

There is a girl at my work that I've never talked to (though I don't really talk to anyone for that matter...) that kind of fell into my scanner and I think I might be attempted to approach her.

Now the way she behaves around people seems to be very AvPDish. Even when she is alone she seems to be AvPDish.


What are your opinions on how it could go with an SPD<=>AvPD relation?
-Of course my main turn on is the fact that she is always alone, and seems to seek loneliness; so I suppose she will accept my huge need to be alone myself. She is also quiet, in fact I never saw her talk to anyone, which is also a plus to me.
-However, if she is really AvPD, I suppose she would want a lot of reinsurance and approval, which I am not certain I could give. I am afraid that she could take poorly my general lack of emotions and motivation. I am VERY rational, and I have an hard time to come of as warm and caring. I "AM" caring, but it's a kind of cerebral and cold kind of caring, not a loving and empathic kind of caring. I am very good to make people notice how their entire "hating themselves" and poor self image is just a delusion, but I am not good to make them feel accepted by myself. I mean I can become very warm and expressive, but that's "not me" and would feel like lying in her face.

Could an AvPD accept a relationship based on "cerebral love" and physical contact, but minimal emotionality? I see myself being able to talk to her about different topics and raise her self esteem; but I don't see myself buying her gifts or telling her I love her. I'm not even sure I could "feel" love at this point in my life.

How do you know that even when she's alone she's "AvPDish"? You have a hidden camera in her home or something?

pizza wrote:How do you know that even when she's alone she's "AvPDish"? You have a hidden camera in her home or something?

Now that you mention it...

I was more refering to the way she was acting when not in direct contact with people: ie, eating at the cafeteria, walking outside in the park behind the building of our job. etc. There is something in her mannerism that I've only seen in other people with AvPD. It's not quite like somebody that is depressed, it's kind of hard to explain. How should I say... unlike me, she acts in ways that kind of make it evident that her being alone is not completely wanted or intentionnal. And also, I noticed that she very often take those solitary walks, including in moments where I thought I was the only one loner enough to take it anyway (ie: during rain, a snowstorm, etc).

I'm afraid I don't know that much about SPD, so I'm not sure I can tell you. It does not seem to me that the AvPD women I have chatted with online get involved with loner type guys. Why not just approach her and ask her out? You will get your answer that way.

Parador wrote:I'm afraid I don't know that much about SPD, so I'm not sure I can tell you. It does not seem to me that the AvPD women I have chatted with online get involved with loner type guys. Why not just approach her and ask her out? You will get your answer that way.

Hehe, I'd need to prepare the terrain in some way. I don't think she knows I know she exists at all. I am a very aloof person and I don't hang around anybody at work. In fact there are a few people at my work whom I know think I am completely oblivious of my surroundings. Good thing is that I am a frail person so I don't think anyone sees me as a bomb waiting to blow up or potencial serial killer , and also I am not affectless so I do not "immediately" appear schizoid, or at least I don't appear to have no soul when you look into my eyes like it's the case for some schizoids. At least I think...

Peptron wrote:There is something in her mannerism that I've only seen in other people with AvPD.

I wish I knew somebody else irl with AvPD.

CriminallyVulgar wrote:

Peptron wrote:There is something in her mannerism that I've only seen in other people with AvPD.

I wish I knew somebody else irl with AvPD.

I think I might have come across 3 in my life; one of which been my friend for maybe 2 years. I am hopelessly introverted and if I hang out with somebody they will tend to be just as hopelessly introverted as I am; and AvPD is more common than SPD.

I want to meet someone like that...unfortunately, wherever that should happen to meet I'm sure we'd just both try our best to ignore one another =(

It seems like a tragedy to me; we cyclically avoid the few people we can actually empathize with (actually seems like the definition of tragedy) by force of inane habit.

I keep wishing someone would "rescue me," but it's becoming increasingly apparent the sort of person I'm hoping for is completely adverse to pulling a stunt like that.

I wish I could meet someone online. It seems like the perfect environment for our kind: depersonalized, open. Even though we're all so repressed, we at least have an atmosphere where we can express ourselves without fear of reprisal. That's all I'd ever asked, of the whole world...

senate wrote:I want to meet someone like that...unfortunately, wherever that should happen to meet I'm sure we'd just both try our best to ignore one another =(

It seems like a tragedy to me; we cyclically avoid the few people we can actually empathize with (actually seems like the definition of tragedy) by force of inane habit.

I keep wishing someone would "rescue me," but it's becoming increasingly apparent the sort of person I'm hoping for is completely adverse to pulling a stunt like that.

I wish I could meet someone online. It seems like the perfect environment for our kind: depersonalized, open. Even though we're all so repressed, we at least have an atmosphere where we can express ourselves without fear of reprisal. That's all I'd ever asked, of the whole world...

I agree completely with what you've just said, I know that if I ever met someone like that we would probably ignore the hell out of each other and even if by chance this person would approach me I would use the "reject before you can be rejected" card. You know, these forums serve as proof of this. You'd think that an online, anonymous forum specifically made for people with AvPD would be full of activity but in fact, not manty threads are started and they usually don't last more than a few days. This is exactly how conversation between avoidants would probably be. Compare with the schizoids forum and oh, the ironies of life!

senate wrote:I wish I could meet someone online. It seems like the perfect environment for our kind: depersonalized, open. Even though we're all so repressed, we at least have an atmosphere where we can express ourselves without fear of reprisal. That's all I'd ever asked, of the whole world...

Sadly enough... I noticed that the web and discussion forums seem to be more the schizoid's perfect world than the avoidant's perfect world. The problem is that it seems that avoidants are "afraid" to open themselves up but somewhat feel a deep need to, whereas schizoids usually have no actual fear whatsoever to open themselves up and usually do so out of curiosity, and they don't in real life just because people will try to get close and they'll feel choked but do in forums because you cannot quite feel choked by people, and if they bug you you can just stop logging on... That's another detail people that don't know SPD might not expect; SPDs tend to open themselves a lot on the Web, much more than any "normal" person would on the web or in their life; whereas AvPDs will tend to stay closed all the time, anywhere, unless they "truely" trust that person.

It's easy to notice you are somewhere special when there is a thread about insomnia, and when people talk about how they fight it, somebody comes in and tells that what he does to fall asleep is to masturbate before going to bed. Then others say "ah... I'll try it!", and then come back a few days later and tell "hey, it works!"; without a single person commenting about the fact that there would be weird comments on a forum with "normal" people.

Ikari Shinji wrote:I agree completely with what you've just said, I know that if I ever met someone like that we would probably ignore the hell out of each other and even if by chance this person would approach me I would use the "reject before you can be rejected" card. You know, these forums serve as proof of this. You'd think that an online, anonymous forum specifically made for people with AvPD would be full of activity but in fact, not manty threads are started and they usually don't last more than a few days. This is exactly how conversation between avoidants would probably be. Compare with the schizoids forum and oh, the ironies of life!

Another sad thing... it seems that schizoids are "mutually compatible", but avoidants not so much... in fact I noticed that schizoid<=>avoidant works usually better than avoidant<=>avoidant when it comes to communicating or becoming friends. There isn't any actual "fear of communication" with schizoids, it's usually a lack of interest. But if the schizoid is interested, the discussions can easily last hours or fill entire forums.