Can't get close to people?

(Disclaimer: I'm not sure if how I feel really fits into the avoidant personality disorder forum, but after reading the symptoms it seemed to be the closest so bare with me )

A little insight - I'm a teenage girl. I've dealt with my fair share of lows, probably more lows than most people my age have dealt with, and they have really changed my life. I'm pretty outgoing, but I can be shy and quiet and very sensitive. I can make friends easily if I try and I have a good group, but I feel like the odd man out a lot and to be honest I'm not sure why. IAfter social situations I neeeed to have downtime to myself. I often read too much into things and overanalyze everything. I have a fear of rejection and, because of this, I'm usually not the first person to approach another person.

The problem is that I've noticed I can't get close to people. I've noticed that when I'm starting to get closer to, for instance, guys, if they say or do something that really shows that they're into me if makes me feel very uncomfortable and I will start to act aloof and distance myself. I liked and talked to a guy for months, then one day I abruptly stopped liking him for no reason and stopped replying to him completely- I would ignore him even in person; he never did anything to set me off. Even looking at pictures of guy that have shown past interests in me makes me feel very uncomfortable and I genuinely feel like crying when I do. My parents have told me that when I'm with friends I act quiet and seem to distance myself a lot. I just can't deal with being close and intimate with anyone; maybe it's because I don't like attention (example: I won't wear anything super flashy, hate being the center of convos, etc) or having someone always thinking about me or relying on me (if that makes sense) I can go from being kind and open to being completely aloof and ignoring even my bestest friends and distancing myself from everyone. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when anyone shows any interest in me; I'm not antisocial so it's not like I don't like talking to others. But it's getting to the point that I don't have any close friends and if ANY person shows even a little interest (romantically) in me, I will feel completely and utterly uncomfortable. I also don't like being physically close to anyone, whether it's hugging or cuddling. I hate feeling this way because I've felt it all my life and I genuinely thought I was the only person that couldn't get close to people without feeling wrong and awkward and uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to rely on me.

I'm not sure if this is avoidant personality disorder; in fact, I'm not sure if this is even a disorder but if anyone could just help me that's be wonderful. Have any of you felt this way before? Do you know if there's a "diagnosis" for the way I've felt all my life?

If you are 13 I would not worry about these things. You will probably grow out of it. This change a lot between 13 and 19. Now if you are 19 your personality is well on the way to being set. And I'm afraid I am no expert in getting close to people. Never been able to do it myself. Except with kitty. But she's not a person - she thinks she is a person. Or that I'm a cat. Hmm - maybe I am a cat. Could you be a cat MoRo?

Hi MoRo7,
I can't exactly relate, as usually I'm really concerned if people like me!!
So, if I do push people away, it's for a reason.

Just wondering if you've thought about what it is about yourself that you don't want others to see or find out?

Maybe if you can identify the specific thing/s that you feel bad about, you can work on improving or changing those things, or (if you can't change them) work on getting yourself to accept them.

I think it's great that you can identify and express these aspects of your personality so clearly while you are so young and I think it is very brave of you to reach out for help.

I also personally think that if you try to change things now, you stand a much better chance of growing into the kind of person you want to be.

I would say the teenage years are vital. They don't like giving diagnosis out to people who are not adults because certain attributes and uncertainties are common amongst adolescents and things don't really manifest as fully with enough examples until someone has some years behind them. Still problematic behavior should be flagged.

I am at this point unable to get close to others. I can be nice with them, like them, even care for them , but I can't budge past a certain place and I often want to run away from the relationship. I don't do romance and am uncomfortable with anyone being attracted to me- I wouldn't have even entertained the relationship you speak of , but this could be just because I'm asexual. I'm pretty uncomfortable with any kind of 'getting close'. I don't mind hugs as much but I despise hand holding or other kinds of affection.

I can't really relate to the outgoing part but a lot of people seem to think I have a good vibrant personality so maybe that counts as outgoing? I don't know. I don't mind talking to people in certain specific situations, but they have to be specific.

You sound like a person that has to get to know others before you can really let your personality shine. You are slow to warm up to people , but it is possible. However, for some reason you get to a point you resent getting close to others and are fearful- why exactly is the big question? .

YOu definitely have some sort of intimacy issues. A lot of people do - the question is how severe is it? I hate to break it to you but a lot of personality disorders have intimacy issues and I can see various ones embodying what you have said .

I am guessing since you are here in the avoidant forum you must actually crave relationships but are unable to follow through? Is it rooted in anxiety? Do you feel as if you can't be good for other people, that people will hurt you, that something will go wrong , etc? Or do you just find yourself being aloof naturally and have a difficult time gathering up interest in socializing? Or do you have some kind of underlying sense of superiority as if no one is really good enough for you so you withdraw from any relationships once you realize they don't meet an ideal?

I"m just asking to clarify more.

Parador wrote:And I'm afraid I am no expert in getting close to people. Never been able to do it myself. Except with kitty. But she's not a person - she thinks she is a person. Or that I'm a cat. Hmm - maybe I am a cat. Could you be a cat MoRo?

Can I be a cat too?

Marcus555 wrote:

Parador wrote:And I'm afraid I am no expert in getting close to people. Never been able to do it myself. Except with kitty. But she's not a person - she thinks she is a person. Or that I'm a cat. Hmm - maybe I am a cat. Could you be a cat MoRo?

Can I be a cat too?

As long as you're a cool cat.

Parador wrote:

Marcus555 wrote:

Parador wrote:

Can I be a cat too?

As long as you're a cool cat.

I could never aspire to that.

Damn. I spent all day trying to make a cool cat costume and it ended up looking like this:



I give up.

MoRo,

as others said our personalities change quite a bit during the teenager years so you could be going through a phase that you'll eventually outgrow and importantly this situation could be temporary (mentioning because you ended with 'all my life' so I take it something has happened that has made you focus on this more than usual - it could be age-related or it could be some event that you are still resolving in your mind). I'd recommend not worrying about disorders and diagnoses yet and instead trying to look at what's motivating you (and worrying you), where it's coming from, and what events in the world around you are making you feel frustrated (the fear of closeness you noticed being one). Then imagine yourself doing something about it that would help and see if that gets you feeling better.

Sometimes we do things in a different way than everyone else and it might be unsettling for you to see that what works for them doesn't work for you or that your way is not resonating with other people - I am guessing this applies to you as well, discard if not.

My teenage years were very similar to what you described (the problems started around 14) with things mostly being easy when the setting was casual or informal and quickly deteriorating if it got close and personal in any way. This was depressing as I assumed I'd never get into a relationship because of it though when I did I found it much more comfortable to deal with than those casual associations. In time that became a permanent deal for me so now I have several problems with unknown people while the ones I know well are all Ok. I don't think this will apply to you though as being outgoing is a huge plus when meeting new people and you are bound to meet someone you feel you can trust sooner or later.

Another plus is that you've put some thought into making sense of what's going on and early on, and that's probably going to be helpful - just make sure you don't let the over analyzing get in the way of you actually doing (or trying) things that could affect you positively. I did too much of this and being impressionable learned all sorts of things that would have been better left alone (even though there was some useful stuff as well)..

I don't want anyone to rely on me.

Why not? (the answer to this one is likely to be important even if you just answer to yourself)

You sound like a person that has to get to know others before you can really let your personality shine. You are slow to warm up to people , but it is possible. However, for some reason you get to a point you resent getting close to others and are fearful- why exactly is the big question? .

and will second the above as well.

Looks like we scared the OP away. Ever feel like you look like this?

Parador wrote:Looks like we scared the OP away. Ever feel like you look like this?

I've noticed this as a common trend. People get on here, make a big confession and then never say anything again. I can't tell if they read a few posts or not and decided not to reply or what?

Or maybe they don't like the answer? I have no idea. It was always confusing to me why they do this.

It's only been 6 days since it was created right? Maybe they will come back? hahah