Job searching, started therapy, general ramblings.

My position is running out in the middle next year and now is the time for applying. In fact I should have already been working on applications before now but I procrastinated as usual. It is hard to focus on it. Partly because I am lazy and partly because I have this feeling of doom that it will never work out. I know I should try to stay positive and bash through it but I just seem to be in a negative frame of mind right now. Over the last few years I have been basically functioning ok with my reclusive lifestyle, but i feel like if my carer comes to an end i will be all at sea and too old or too inflexible or too proud to start something new from scratch. Maybe i should welcome the situation as an opportunity for change but i just cant seem to see it that way right now. Seems like my future is sort of disappearing, if that makes sense.

I worry that my social inabilities make it impossible for me to carry on in the workplace and i wonder how i managed to get this far. It is a bit frustrating that i cant talk about my worries with colleagues because they will see me as incompetent or with family because they will worry, I think they want to believe that things are going ok and that i will not have nervous breakdown again because they dont know really how to deal with that. so i try to just tell them positive things.

I recently started therapy. First time in my life i have done that, although i did see a psichiatrist a few times in the past. The guy seems to be quite good, although I dont really agree with him on some basic assumptions. But he has got me looking at some aspects of my day-to-day that has been helpful I suppose. Like looking after my flat, which i must confess, has been a total mess, and looking after my diet a bit. And also, trying to catch myself when i go off thinking about the past or future scenarios, and to be more in the present. The last one is tricky because i am hardly ever in the present. Also, wandering off into fantasy land is also my source of inspiration. Still not sure if I will continue therapy. Every week i wonder about quitting.

Not sure what all this adds up to. Just venting. If anyone has any comments of similar experiences please feel free.

I find looking for employment really challenging because of my AvPD I think. I find it very difficult to "sell myself" the way some people can.

I am in the same boat in many ways. For 20 years I have been a Divorce lawyer but have been told I probably shouldn't go back to it now. It's hard after all that time to think about starting something completely different. I have no idea what the future holds but am trying just to focus on the here and now at the moment.

Hopefully you will find something that interests you enough that you can't help but apply.

Not sure what to say about therapy really. I do know that when I was in therapy I wanted to quit every week but I forced myself to keep going. I guess it was mostly because I know my thinking isn't right (it is AvPD thinking) so it was helpful to be able to look at things from a different perspective. I did find it difficult at the time but when I look back on it now I can see it did really help me in a lot of ways. And it can't hurt to make those small changes to your life - your house and diet I mean.

Sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment though.

Thanks for your reply and kind comments Ronni.

I think I know what you mean about finding it hard to "sell yourself". It doesnt come naturally to me and i tend to not be very objective about myself. My CV is just a list of stuff, i cant tell if what is most relevant to be emphasised and what is not.

I still feel that what i am currently doing is more interesting than any realistic alternatives that i can think of, its just that these last few years i find it hard to maintain enthusiasm for anyactivity that requires any effort. I did apply to stay on where I am but my application was disqualified on a technicality. (I made a mistake filling out the form.) So probably whatever happens it will involve a move.

I got three applications off last night and today was a good day so my mood has improved a bit at least.

And thanks for sharing about your experiences. It seems some career paths are hard to tread for avoidants. I hope that things work out for the future.

Sorry if the reply seems disjointed. I keep writing things then deleting things a million times. I think this is maybe an avoidant thing...

I wish you luck job hunting. It's worth staying on top of. When you don't; you'll find the responses, should you get any, very rejecting. It destroyed my career path. I find labor work easier to deal with.

RememberRonni wrote:I find looking for employment really challenging because of my AvPD I think. I find it very difficult to "sell myself" the way some people can.

That's always a problem for me

FishPaste wrote:Sorry if the reply seems disjointed. I keep writing things then deleting things a million times. I think this is maybe an avoidant thing...

I often do that. If I don't tab out from just pressing reply. It ranges from inferiority, embarrassment, to paranoid thoughts of a public forum for me.

Thanks for your reply Greenhorn. I will try to take your advice and stay on top of it. I am sorry to hear about your experience with this.

Job hunting is absolutely the worst thing there is. Starting a new job is a close second. The last time I had to do it I went and got some Valium illegally online. It didn't even help. Made me sleepy and gave me heartburn.

Job hunting requires an enormous amount of patience, time, and dedication. I think it took me nearly a year to get the job I have right now. It took me roughly the same amount of time to get the job I had before this one too.

OMG...Job hunting is bad...but starting a new job is my idea of purgatory! It's the worst! All those new people being friendly...not knowing what you're doing...where anything is...feeling like you're being judged. Awful.

It takes so long for that feeling to subside...

snookiebookie wrote:OMG...Job hunting is bad...but starting a new job is my idea of purgatory! It's the worst! All those new people being friendly...not knowing what you're doing...where anything is...feeling like you're being judged. Awful.

It takes so long for that feeling to subside...

Yes that is a nightmare for me as well.

It definitely does. It took me about 2 years to start to feel comfortable with the people and the dynamics at my job, and I've been there for 2 1/2 years now!

I like to watch the new people who get hired, and it definitely doesn't take them that long to get acclimated. I would say it's more like 2 - 3 months for them, and by that time, they are already easily setting up lunch dates and coffee dates with people! I just don't get it.

snookiebookie wrote:OMG...Job hunting is bad...but starting a new job is my idea of purgatory! It's the worst! All those new people being friendly...not knowing what you're doing...where anything is...feeling like you're being judged. Awful.

It takes so long for that feeling to subside...