Job searching, started therapy, general ramblings.

Yes something like job applications seems to be loads more difficult for someone with avoidance. I agonise over asking my referees for a letter, then i look through the job adverts and think that i am not good enough for the job, and then procrastinate for a bit then daydream etc.

I wish i could have concentration for my work, that is really bugging me at the moment. The brain fog and constant thoughts buzzing around make it seem like there are hardly any hours in the day somehow. Also i am just plain lazy these days.

On a good news i did get a paper accepted for publication the other day. It was only a short article but it helps to show that my productivity has not ground entirely to a halt.

Went to therapy again. He says I think too much and dont live in the present. He also says that I am not fully alive, which I found strangely less hurtful than you might think. It was perhaps because i had already read Minkowskis book, which says something very similar about schizotypal autism, so i had already got over it. I dont believe it. I think that being fully alive has more to do with being conscious not with being engaged with the present. But it is a matter of opinion i guess.

What with the forums and this therapy i feel like i have been talking more about my stuff the last few weeks than I have in my whole life. I always fee kind of dirty afterwards though, like I have committed an indiscretion.

Jamberrypie I have noticed that thing too. My officemate has arrived recently about two months ago and he is already having meetings with people in the department which I have never even spoken to in three years. It is amazing.

I need to register for unemployment then get it deferred for six months, due to technical reasons of funding. Needs to be done this week but it involves talking to people and asking for forms. Maybe i will accidentally ask the wrong person. Maybe they will blame me for not having done it earlier... etc. So terrifying

And its Thursday afternoon and i havent done anything about it yet.

FishPaste wrote:I need to register for unemployment then get it deferred for six months, due to technical reasons of funding. Needs to be done this week but it involves talking to people and asking for forms. Maybe i will accidentally ask the wrong person. Maybe they will blame me for not having done it earlier... etc. So terrifying

And its Thursday afternoon and i havent done anything about it yet.

I have had similar problems signing up for such programs this year. It involves asking for help, which I'm not good at, besides others rude comments of needing to be on them

I did not sign up for unemployment benefit, procrastinated. But apparently I can still do it, there is a three month window, so i will try and go there.

Regarding job hunting, I spontaneously wrote a letter to one person asking if he would support an application for council. This is something i find very hard to do, approaching somebody out of the blue, so i was pleased even though nothing came of it in the end. Beyond that not much progress, just procrasrination. Finding it hard to concentrate on work things generally. I think it is the generalised sense of doom hanging over me, or just laziness.

Tidied the flat this weekend, it was almost a whirlwind of activity. I dont think i would have bothered if the landlord had not been visiting tbh.

I cant make up my mind about therapy. He is one of these people who thinks that more or less everything is curable. Seems to be a nice enough person. But i am not sure he really gets me though and i feel like we cover the same ground every week to some extent.

I also find it hard to find a job. The doom that comes for me isn't about "getting in", is about being there every day and stable. I'm really scared it's goign to derail, eventually.


Only remedy I found for that is simply... "get up and do it". lol

I too have a huge problem with keeping a job, I've been out of one for almost a year and I don't even loose sleep over it anymore. Or much less often anyway unless the cash dries up and I can't pay my bills on time which is like everyday, but I've accepted it as a natural consequence of my (lack of) choices to this day, which clears up a lot of mental baggage. The hardest part isn't even finding a new job but keeping up the facade of not being out of a job, and lying to prospective employers about your jobhistory, 'economic recession' usually does the trick (which is also true) but when they start probing the facade quickly falls apart and the lies become apparent.
I've been fired soo often and contracts not extended due to lack of ambition it's sickening, I had no choice but to lie about it, but looking back it wasn't lack of ambition or intelligence but crippling insecurities about myself that ruined my career. When looking back I've come to realize how pointless and groundless these insecurities were, out of fear I avoided so many challenges and oppurtinities. out of fear I judged myself and perceived myself to be judged by other people that those innate fears of rejection became reality, if you run away from yourself other people will do the same.

I'm in the exact same boat as far as job searching. Have no idea what the hell to do. Was gonna make a topic about it but saw this one. Just got out of my job of a little over two years and found I have no idea how to get another. Might just get drunk before interviews.

Wow I never thought I would find a forum with so many people who felt like me, it's very comforting, I just went through that problem of feeling inadequate in my new job, I only spoke to a few people there because I were presented to them, and not knowing how things work/what you're exactly supposed to do is the worst! My boss wasn't around by the time I was there so it was just me and a bunch of people who I don't know! Such an awful feeling. :S

Hello Arth. Glad you find the forum helpful. Yes the first day can be quite overwhelming. I do find that i get a sort of nervous energy boost which gets me through it. I know that in my first week at this job i was more sociable than i ever was normally. Then it subsided...

In my previous job on the first day i also had the situation of the boss not being there. I arrived and there was a bunch of people all talking in the discussion room. I was very nervous about introducing myself in that situation but "fortunately" there was a very expansive person who at once made me feel welcome and introduced me to people and so forth so i kind of just went along with that. He turned out to be a very contolling and manipulative person. Typical.

I still have not signed on for the unemployment. Been putting it off. But i did manage to get a dentists appointment (first time in 20 years), inspired by the example of others on this forum. I will go on friday.

Still in two minds about therapy. On the one hand, i have been opening up a bit about some tricky issues, so that is probably good. But on the other hand i am not so sure about his contribution. He tends to just say the same things each week, or he asks me questions with an obvious answer. But i have already asked myself such questions a hundred times, so i am not sure exactly what i am paying for. It really boils down to someone being prepared to spend an hour listening in a kindly way and pretending not to judge me i guess...I dont think he really gets me. After one session just after he closed the door behind me i think i overheard him say to the secretary "well that was odd". Might all be paranoia though...

FishPaste wrote:But i did manage to get a dentists appointment (first time in 20 years), inspired by the example of others on this forum. I will go on friday.

Hey that is great! I got the impression from my dentist that they are used to people putting it off.. my dentist was really cool about it. He didn't even bring it up and scold me or anything.. I said something about it and all he said was "Well you're here now". We need to take care of ourselves, even if it is hard to do so.

Anyhow, let us know how it goes! I have some fillings next month.