Thank you! I do have some struggles with this. I know I am to blame as well. I have found myself pushing his buttons, being manipulative right back, evading, stubborn, etc. all of those are forms of abuse as well. But, my gut tells me they are coping behaviors. I feel like what he does to me is still not right. But when he does blame things on me, I almost feel just as guilty. I know this is textbook. I wish there was a way I could make him feel the pain I feel. I know it probably isn't possible. I had some things happen today that I am pretty sure put a nail in it. I will start a new thread on that one I guess. Thanks again for giving me the back up and strength.
Hun, he has created this scenario. He has created an atmosphere of discord. Listen to your gut. They ARE coping mechanisms. He is throwing the blame back onto you, and this is a form of gaslighting. He will never feel the pain you feel, because from the sound of it, he has no empathy. I once had an abusive ex, and wondered how he could do this, believing that one day his conscience would tell him that his actions were wrong. Because I had a conscience, I assumed that he did too. Once I realised that he actually had no remorse, I was able to leave. Remorse means being able to OWN mistakes, TAKE ON BOARD responsibility, and make ongoing, tangible changes. It doesn't mean empty apologies, using charm and romantic gestures. It means making INFORMED changes on all levels, that are lasting. You have seen him lapse back into his behaviour, in spite of apologies, which means that he is not experiencing true remorse. He is also not demonstrating a conscience, or he would show true remorse. He is unlikely to change.
You have acted almost in a retaliatory way, almost as a form of self defense. These dynamics wouldn't have even come into play if he hadn't treated you abusively in the first place. In a sense he is dragging you down to his level, and trapping you in a cycle of negativity and abuse.
You didn't start this, and you can end the cycle by removing yourself from the situation and leaving him. You can be empowered, and you will find strength when you are away from him. At the moment he is sapping all your energy and strength. You can find the strength to leave. I did and never looked back.
If you choose to leave, please do so with a plan. It is common for people to become very abusive when a partner is leaving, and this can escalate into physical abuse. You will need to carefully plan your exit, without telling him, getting support from family, friends, Womens Aid organisations, and possibly the police. Please read this linkdomestic-abuse/topic11734.html
At some point, you may need to consider therapy, to help you to make sense of your emotions, to know how to be aware of future red flags, and to see if your childhood and past may have impacted upon the reasons you met this type of partner. In time, you will heal, with a new empowerment. I wish you well.