My story....

Hi everyone and thanks for having me. I will try to be as short as I can be. I am typing on my iPad so please excuse the mistakes.
First, I am a 40 year old mom of two. I work full time, sometimes 12-13 hours. First marriage lasted 4 years from which I had my children. Left due to husbands abuse, BPD, Narc.
Met current husband during my long and tumultuous divorce battle. He "saved" my children and I and that is where this journey began.
Let me start by saying, I have often wondered if I have possible ADD and have been treated for anxiety and depression. So I am no saint here but still not deserving of what I have endured.

So a few years ago I fell madly in love with my now husband. Man was it perfect. Amazing. It was the answer to my prayers. I never thought it could be that good. We both brought in our children to this. They got along. We got along. All was good. A few months after getting married there were little snags or quirks, but nothing too bad. And then something happened. I can't say exactly when or where but the control and verbal cut downs began. His jealousy of my kids paired with his inability to recognize his own children's faults has become unbearable.
I have benn told that I can't hang pics of my kids Since it wouldn't be fair to his kids; my son has ADHD and told me he can't stand him or to be around him. Recently told me that I am stupid, dumb, an idiot. In one case my dd overheard. He obsesses on things and takes long amounts of time to make decisions. A current example of his daily behavior is this. This is a very common and typical conversation when something isn't going his way. Which is every freaking minute! When we planned our trip to the mountains I was such an idiot for not asking the owner of the cabin if the house was on a mountain?? Huh? It was ruining his brakes and would never have not asked when planning a trip to the mountains if the house was on a mountain. I don't even have the energy. And for something that ridiculous it just angers me that I have even stayed married to someone that cannot see outside himself.

Anyway there is so much more. But basically I am here to gather tools on how to cope or leave. I hurt so badly. I have given up so much.

Hi, and a warm welcome to the forum.

Your last paragraph said it all

Anyway there is so much more. But basically I am here to gather tools on how to cope or leave. I hurt so badly. I have given up so much.

The situation has worn you down, and your children are being affected. You don't deserve to be spoken to in this way. You are hurting. If you stay, the situation is unlikely to change unless your partner seeks help, and makes a huge effort to change. He may change for short periods of time in an attempt to prevent you from leaving, but unless he admits to his own issues to HIMSELF (not by appeasing and saying all the "right" things or by attempting to charm you so that you stay) thing are unlikely to change, and may escalate. Sometimes verbal abuse leads to physical violence. Physical violence always begins by emotional abuse, almost as if the partner is testing the boundaries, and pushing them, thereby keeping you under control. You can't predict whether this will lead to physical abuse, so you could potentially be in danger if you stay.

How, then, can you leave? Is there a Domestic Violence organisation in your area? They can advise, support, and maybe offer you somewhere safe to stay. They will take the verbal abuse as seriously as physical abuse, for the effects are the same.

Please put the safety of yourself and your children first.

Thank you! I do have some struggles with this. I know I am to blame as well. I have found myself pushing his buttons, being manipulative right back, evading, stubborn, etc. all of those are forms of abuse as well. But, my gut tells me they are coping behaviors. I feel like what he does to me is still not right. But when he does blame things on me, I almost feel just as guilty. I know this is textbook. I wish there was a way I could make him feel the pain I feel. I know it probably isn't possible. I had some things happen today that I am pretty sure put a nail in it. I will start a new thread on that one I guess. Thanks again for giving me the back up and strength.

Thank you! I do have some struggles with this. I know I am to blame as well. I have found myself pushing his buttons, being manipulative right back, evading, stubborn, etc. all of those are forms of abuse as well. But, my gut tells me they are coping behaviors. I feel like what he does to me is still not right. But when he does blame things on me, I almost feel just as guilty. I know this is textbook. I wish there was a way I could make him feel the pain I feel. I know it probably isn't possible. I had some things happen today that I am pretty sure put a nail in it. I will start a new thread on that one I guess. Thanks again for giving me the back up and strength.

Hun, he has created this scenario. He has created an atmosphere of discord. Listen to your gut. They ARE coping mechanisms. He is throwing the blame back onto you, and this is a form of gaslighting. He will never feel the pain you feel, because from the sound of it, he has no empathy. I once had an abusive ex, and wondered how he could do this, believing that one day his conscience would tell him that his actions were wrong. Because I had a conscience, I assumed that he did too. Once I realised that he actually had no remorse, I was able to leave. Remorse means being able to OWN mistakes, TAKE ON BOARD responsibility, and make ongoing, tangible changes. It doesn't mean empty apologies, using charm and romantic gestures. It means making INFORMED changes on all levels, that are lasting. You have seen him lapse back into his behaviour, in spite of apologies, which means that he is not experiencing true remorse. He is also not demonstrating a conscience, or he would show true remorse. He is unlikely to change.

You have acted almost in a retaliatory way, almost as a form of self defense. These dynamics wouldn't have even come into play if he hadn't treated you abusively in the first place. In a sense he is dragging you down to his level, and trapping you in a cycle of negativity and abuse.

You didn't start this, and you can end the cycle by removing yourself from the situation and leaving him. You can be empowered, and you will find strength when you are away from him. At the moment he is sapping all your energy and strength. You can find the strength to leave. I did and never looked back.

If you choose to leave, please do so with a plan. It is common for people to become very abusive when a partner is leaving, and this can escalate into physical abuse. You will need to carefully plan your exit, without telling him, getting support from family, friends, Womens Aid organisations, and possibly the police. Please read this link
domestic-abuse/topic11734.html

At some point, you may need to consider therapy, to help you to make sense of your emotions, to know how to be aware of future red flags, and to see if your childhood and past may have impacted upon the reasons you met this type of partner. In time, you will heal, with a new empowerment. I wish you well.

sugarbritchesuga wrote: I know I am to blame as well. I have found myself pushing his buttons, being manipulative right back, evading, stubborn, etc.

Your post is old, but I wanted to comment anyway, it seems there are 100s of people reading these posts even if they don't post a comment.

I tried coping with my abuser by giving him a dose of his own medicine. It was bizarre: if I shouted at him, even swore the C word at him, he didn't bat an eyelid, it was like normal conversation to him. It told me that this is how he has been spoken to (by his father? He was abusive), and that it's normal to him.

Well, I don't like it, and I didn't like doing it, so I stopped. Two wrongs really don't make a right. I felt I didn't know any other way to cope though, so there we were, shouting and screaming at each other. With me it was "pretend" anger, just trying to get my point through to him: hey mister, don't swear at me I don't like it! And how do you like it back at ya?!

There are certain catchphrases that he uses with me, things that explain his behaviour, eg he's not being critical or nasty, he's giving the facts. Well, he didn't like it when I gave "the facts" back to him! But it made me feel low and nasty, so I stopped.

I'm now trying a version of Patricia Evans's "what? What did you just say?" when he's nasty to me. Sometimes it does stop him in his tracks, and I repeat it until he hears me and hears himself. I've found her verbal abuse books extremely helpful, along with Lundy Bancroft, and also Power & Control by S.Horley.
They're full of strategies and tactics you can use if you're in an abusive relationship that you can't leave (yet).

Thanks for reading this post. I am going to google the Patricia responses you use now. Are you still living with him?
I left and I am now having very little contact. It has been very hard but at the same time I am getting to a point where I am seeing some clarity. I am just so sad that another relationship is coming to an end because of my inability to recognize the red flags when they are thrown at me in the beinning.
*sigh*

sugarbritchesuga wrote: Are you still living with him?

Yes, but it's improving. I've just written an essay on my situation, in another thread

sugarbritchesuga wrote: I am just so sad that another relationship is coming to an end because of my inability to recognize the red flags when they are thrown at me in the beinning.
*sigh*

Me too. My upbringing trained me not to recognise the red flags, or to disregard them, so I'm now not surprised that I fall for "them" again & again.

It's getting better now, I've done a lot of work on myself. Those books have changed my life, they really have.