Should I see a sex therapist?

Hi,

I am a 41-year-old virgin despite powerful sexual desire from ages 12 to 34. As a teenager I could get a rigid erection within five seconds of seeing a nude and I would have had sex with 80-year-old women if they had consented. I became addicted to my father's pornography, keeping it a fearful secret in the middle of the night (as a double life I was a brilliant scholar). I couldn't talk to the women in the videos. I had one older brother who was an unwanted pregnancy in 1966 then in 1983 converted to Christianity and we never talked about sex even though it was my biggest preoccupation. My father masturbates and never talked to me about sex either. I still live with my parents.

At 20 my testicle got twisted in the middle of the night and I couldn't figure out how to twist it back again. For years I was obsessed about tight trousers at work when the slight aches in my testicle were actually mental stress.

Around the same time I had a masturbation ejaculation freezer bag blockage accident – the semen spurted out violently and a powerful orgasm turned into massive panic attack – I thought I had damaged my plumbing and orgasms were never the same after that with the exception of wet dreams.

I wasn't able to talk to anyone about either issue. I wrote in code in my diary CS if RT not better by 31st Dec 1990 (Commit Suicide if Right Testicle etc.)

I joined a nudist club at 22 which helped me overcome being self-conscious about my genitals. Still in daily life I continued to mentally undress women that I saw.

At 25 after two nervous breakdowns I was diagnosed with anxiety. My female Buddhist psychologist said “sex therapist” when I made hypersexual verbalizations in therapy. My male psychiatrist and mother said not to. Eventually diagnosed bipolar disorder which I now realize I had since puberty at 14 when I was rejected by a girl I wanted to be with and fell into a deep depression.

My second psychiatrist seemed to encourage my sexual thoughts e.g. asking me if I wanted to have sex with three of his other patients. I was lucky I didn't see him when I was hypersexual. I asked him if I should see a sex therapist and he said he could do the therapy with me.

My current psychiatrist since 2004 is the best so far but only sees me from 15 minutes once a month (which I recommend to people in a way – longer appointments the doctor became my best friend) and we've never talked about sex. I'll definitely bring it up with him in the future.

Since 2004 I've donated $550 to the Rape Crisis Centre which reduced lust and stopped the mental undressing. I am a Theravadin Buddhist with the ideal of becoming a monk and never looking at pornography. I have had a problem of RSI phobia computer rage: being paralyzed e.g. wanting even to hit the Enter key for simple things like looking at the weather forecast. Yesterday I downloaded photos of cheerful female nudists. I can use the computer better now. I wonder if I was repressing wanting to look at porn on the computer.

I mostly have bipolar depression. I've been hospitalized three weeks altogether (15% of people with my illness commit suicide). I sleep 12 hours a day and I'm wondering if I go back to bed because that is where people have sex.

Do you think I should see a sex therapist? Or am I merely seeking excitement at having sexually liberated women listen to my hangups and manhood? I'm not sure why I want to go. Should I keep it all for my meditation and psychiatrist?

Thanks / dhammapal.

Hi dhammapal,

It's a shame you couldn’t ask about sexual matters when you were younger. I think it's normal to be anxious and stressed about something like a testicle twisting. It is scary to not know what is wrong and what the possible implications will be.

I'm surprised one of your therapists asked if you wanted to have sex with three of his other patients. That sounds rather unprofessional to me. But I suppose it's hard to judge without knowing the full story.

15 minutes sounds really short time for a psychiatry session. I'm amazed you find that long enough, but I guess you'd both get straight to the point!

What is it that you are hoping to change about yourself? Do you want to stop feeling the desire to look at porn? Or do you want to be able to have intercourse? Sorry, I wasn’t sure from reading your post.

Regardless of your goal I think seeing a therapist may be helpful to you. I have a lot of respect for Buddhist meditation, but I think talk therapy can be good as well, and you certainly do not get much opportunity to talk to your psychiatrist!

Hi Platypus,

Yes unfortunately forums like this didn't exist in 1990. Better late than never!

One of my problems talking about sex in 1990 was that I had a young female family doctor and secretly wanted to have sex with her (she was married but I wouldn't have thought there was anything harmful about it).

My current psychiatrist Dr J. said just to ignore the slight testicle discomfort in sitting which has worked.

My previous psychiatrist Dr H. (1997-2003) wanted to get me together with one of his female patients – I said I didn't know if I was attracted because “I haven't seen her in the nude” and he replied “would you need to?” He admitted to sexual countertransference. He could have but didn't breach confidentiality that she was a Buddhist like me and had given up smoking. We talked on the phone a lot and dated a couple of times but she wasn't interested in me sexually. I wanted to have sex with her but I let go in replying to an e-mail question of hers with a Buddhist quote that sex outside of marriage caused even more suffering that in marriage! Later she rang me saying partner this, partner that and I said “So you've got a new boyfriend?” They got married the year after. I was too anxious to attend the wedding but I gave her $50 cash as a wedding gift. I was envious about them having sex, particularly if it was doggie-style. Now I can't work out why in this world of problems people would want to have sex. I guess they could ask me why I would want to sleep 12 hours a day.

My female occupational therapist 2000-2005 when she pressed me about what was missing in my life and I looked away and said “It's not sex” she immediately pointed that I should schedule it in my daily routine. I said “But it wouldn't make me peaceful” She replied “after an hour with a sex worker you would be tired out.” I donated to the Rape Crisis Centre instead and she praised my generosity. I later said to her “I'd rather spend the hour fully clothed talking about mental illness.” She replied “and you are vulnerable”. I refrained from saying “My penis wouldn't be vulnerable it would be as hard as a rock.” LOL I had wanted to have sex with her all along even though she was married. I lost interest when she became pregnant.

In 2001-2002 I had a 42-year-old Brazilian InterNet girlfriend. She didn't love me anymore once she saw my photo but she still wanted to help me with sex. The last time I called her I asked her what sex was for and she replied “Togetherness” then “procreation”.

I'm thinking that the sex therapist thing might be a bad idea (they have a “pleasure booth” under construction). Last night I was awake till 4am with the fever of sensuality (high blood pressure). My Buddhist teacher said that the most skillful thing to do with sex is to let it go. I wonder if the masturbation blockage panic attack was a powerful insight that in reality orgasms are intensely stressful phenomena.

I'm trying to figure out what my goals are here. I am saving a fortune not having a girlfriend, but I wonder if I'd have more motivation to make money if I had someone to come home to. I guess people in love are clock-watchers at work anticipating their next meeting.

I've thought that talking to a sex therapist would be a catharsis. I e-mailed much of what I wrote previously to a sex therapist who is into Tantric Buddhism (which is much different to my form of Buddhism which has a celibate historical Buddha). I've had no reply. I said I just wanted to talk.

One desire I have is to go to indoor nudism workshops. I think there is a certain aspect of Truth in not keeping secret one's “private parts.” I'm going to try doing household chores in the nude. I want to have conversations with cheerful women in the nude. I went to a stripper in 1990 which was good albeit after my masturbation blockage panic attack so the orgasms weren't as pleasurable as they could have been.

I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist first before going to a sex therapist. I think the sex therapist would be critical of me that I was wasting her time if I wasn't serious about following through on a sex life. I have decided to never have sex with any woman who I know I would never want to marry. I guess that is a sound position.

Thanks for reading this far. I find writing generates ideas and I find it supporting to post here.

Best wishes / dhammapal.

PS I'm in Australia too. I heard of a sex therapist sponsored by Medicare.

Yeah, I suppose sex and orgasms do place some stress on the body. (After all, people have had heart attacks during sex.) But orgasms also have psychological and physical benefits. I figure it's like exercise - it can be stressful, but it is generally good for you.

That said, abstinence is a valid personal choice. I'm sure there are plenty of people who live happy lives without being sexually active.

I don't think you have to see a sex therapist. In some ways, I think a regular therapist or counsellor may be better for you, as you could just talk about your goals and ideas without having to focus on sex. But it depends on what you feel most comfortable with, and whether you can find a professional you like and trust. You're welcome to keep posting on the forums too - maybe talking here will help you decide what you want to do.

I enjoy nudism too; I think it's very liberating. I like your idea of doing household chores in the nude. It might help you feel more confident and relaxed about your body. Plus then there are fewer clothes to wash!

I have been to see a sex therapist in Australia and the cost could have been covered by Medicare if I had been on the Mental Health Care Plan (but I was too disorganised and embarrassed to sort it out at the time. ) If you find a therapist you're interested in, I'd ask them about possible Medicare arrangements. To go on the Mental Health Care Plan you need to visit a GP first to get a referral to the therapist of your choice.

Hi Platypus,

I think there is a middle way even if you are purely celibate between having an erection and being flopsy which I have been lately. I thought of going to the supermarket with no underpants on under my trousers, although I might get a noticeable erection. I know that women sometimes like to wear no panties under their skirts.

I use personal lubricant for masturbation which a behavior therapy book said approximates vaginal containment. I think I can imagine what sex might be like. Or do you think I'd have no idea?

They say that men become impotent if there is the slightest worry about unwanted pregnancy or STDs. I would rather be celibate than use a condom as skin-to-skin contact is the whole point - warm and moist.

Worrying about secrecy and losing control would be issues too. Can orgasms be comfortable rather than a loss of control? When I watched porn as a teenager I thought I was fulfilling my manly duty to ejaculate. But the secrecy was stressful. I didn't even talk about it with my friends. Years later when hypomanic I was masturbating when my grandmother came into the room. She gave me the opportunity to stop, pretending she hadn't noticed but I continued. She said “Stop playing with your ding-dong.” I found that very helpful and later I was talking to a lady I knew on the phone and mentioned that I was playing with my ding-dong and she suggested I ring Lifeline telephone counselling.

The sex therapist didn't reply to my e-mail. I'm not sure how much sexual disclosure is appropriate with a regular therapist, especially if she is female. My occupational therapist was quite comfortable with her sexuality but she might have terminated the therapy if she knew that I chose her because I was sexually attracted to her. Maybe in my case sex can remain a private matter and can be resolved in the background in the context of talking about life in general. I apologize about my comment about truth and private parts. Some people here have suffered sexual abuse and find it hard to practice meditation full body awareness.

Thanks for listening. A lot of the above I have never told anyone before. Let me know if any of my sharing is inappropriate.

Do you think that my lack of pleasure with masturbation orgasms following my blockage accident compared to wet dreams amounts to sexual dysfunction? Maybe I have still have slight panic attacks that interfere with pleasure.

Thanks / dhammapal.

Haha, I haven't heard of "the middle way" being used in that context before.

Seriously, I doubt anybody would care or notice if you were not wearing underwear beneath your pants. Just don't announce it to strangers, or they might think you're going to flash them!
I'm not one for skirts, but I do 'go commando' whenever I feel like it.

I can't tell you what sex feels like from a man's perspective. However for me, the physical feeling of penetration is a minor component of intercourse. Sex is not purely physical. It can be emotional and sensual. It is between two people, who are breathing, touching, moving, and communicating. The experience can be very intimate and personal, depending upon the relationship between the two people. There is a lot more stimulus than merely a penis entering a vagina.

If you are serious about wondering what it feels like physically, there are sex toys you can buy called "artificial vaginas", although I don't know how good an imitation they are. Or you could search for anecdotes on the internet. Or alternatively you may like to start a new topic on one of the Sexual forums here asking men to describe what intercourse feels like.

Men can lose erections for all kind of reasons, and yes unwanted pregnancy and STDs could definitely be a turn-off. But a man can lose arousal simply by being distracted or stressed. Despite what movies and pornography suggest, sex isn't expected to be a perfect performance. Sometimes neither partner climaxes and that can be okay; for some couples it's even normal.

I think it's quite possible that your negative past experiences are reducing your sexual pleasure. If you are subconsciously thinking about panic attacks or that masturbation is shameful, it may be harder for you to let go and fully enjoy yourself.

Do you think it's worth considering a male therapist rather than a female? Or are you more comfortable talking to a woman?

Hi Platypus,

Yes the middle way for me means that even for a celibate Buddhist monk there is a middle way between having an erection and being totally flopsy. I think that having a “well hung” penis allows the detection of sensations indicating that lust has arisen. I think it is a chakra thing.

My Theravadin Buddhist monk teacher says that the most skillful thing you can do with sex is to let it go. But once a man in the audience asked the question as to why he didn't mention the genitals in the guided meditation through the parts of the body and the monk said that it was etiquette, that they were in mixed company, and that when he went off on his own he could do what he liked.

I went to bed last night without underpants and had a good masturbation. I brought to mind the photos of cheerful female nudists that I downloaded last weekend. I think because they were volunteers rather than paid models it is much more wholesome.

The sex therapist got back to me. She has a great website:
http://www.jacquelinehellyer.com

I'm hoping that once I get over initial nervousness I'll feel comfortable talking to a woman, especially when sexual verbalizations are safe (my female Buddhist psychologist in 1996 didn't criticize me but said “sex therapist”). And after all, sex would be with a woman so it is important for me to understand them. I've requested one appointment per month plus e-mail correspondence. On her website she said that she'll simulate sex in one of her next workshops but not to get excited because she'll keep her clothes on. So she has a sense of humor!

She says that the coaching is not just about sex, but sex affects other aspects of life. My traumas in 1990 made me contemplate suicide.

Yes having sex with a breathing being is more than just putting a penis into a vagina. I would like to hold a woman's ribcage as she breathes to have compassion for her delicate respiratory process.

I bought an artificial vagina in 1990 but it was just flexible plastic with vibrating spikes. I've heard that the pelvic floor muscles grip the penis. And that one size fits all.

Is masturbating supposed to be more pleasurable than wet dreams? I think it was for me before my accident. I am 41 now so I can't expect to go back to my younger years with their powerful orgasms

My mind and body are busy with all this stimulation, but I'm more relaxed than I was a few days ago.

-- Thu Jun 30, 2011 9:55 pm --

I just realized that you are female! Sorry for the misunderstanding! I just posted the second time today so note my previous post.

I wrote to the female sex therapist saying that I really need to talk face-to-face and man-to-man with a male therapist. Never talking about sex with my father or elder brother was dysfunctional (only once when I was about 14 my Dad asked if I liked girls and I replied that they didn't like me). I wrote to her that Dr H. didn't have any compassion about my blockage accident when I told him 11 years afterwards in 2001 – he just smiled and asked “Do you still think you've damaged your plumbing?” And he teased me about my masturbation. My current psychiatrist Dr J. is dignified and sober but he in his sixties and I'd like to talk with someone closer to my age (41).

I went to the supermarket today without underpants under my trousers. It helped me not to be flopsy and I noticed the sensation in my penis when a woman walked past. Almost like an antenna. I realized that maintaining whole-body awareness includes the genitals even when one isn't having sex. And I noticed that the discomfort in my testicle arises and passes away due to anxiety rather than from being physically bumped. It is more likely to get bumped without underpants so I'll have to be careful with myself.

Thanks for listening / dhammapal.

LOL, I hope you don't mind that I am female. I am happy talking to both men and women about sex, so gender is not an issue for me. Please don't be embarrassed that you have been writing to a woman.

So sorry, I can't tell you how pleasurable wet dreams are - you'll have to tell me!

It is true that women can use their pelvic floor (PC) muscles to grip a man's penis. However not all women will have strong PC muscles.

I hope you find a therapist you are happy with. I can understand why you may prefer a male therapist, especially if you never got to talk about sex with your father or brother.

Have you read much about tantric sex? I personally know little about it, but I think it could interest you.

Hi Platypus!

LOL Mistaking a female for a male is not as bad as mistaking a male for a female!

Yes the testicle thing, the ejaculation blockage thing, the erection vs. flopsy thing and the wet dream thing can all only be understood by a man. So a male sex counsellor is a must. I've e-mailed the CEO of Impotence Australia for Sex counselling recommended by Jacqueline.

I've decided to talk with my father and older brother!

I live with my father so I'll be able to talk man-to-man with him. Once during a hypomanic episode we watched some porn videos together (and the next day I went to a brothel but left without having any sex.)

My brother is 3 years older and he was a pioneer and mentor to me. I've always been a night owl and from ages 3 to 9 when we were sent to bed early in bunk beds and I'd ask him questions in the darkened room.

After he moved out in 1990 I lived with him for four years 1990-1994 and we said we were “living like kings”. I remember funny stories like the time in 1991 that we had a 30-year-old lodger living with us. He told my brother “You've got problems mate” because he'd never had a girlfriend at 24 years old. The funny thing was that we overheard our lodger on the phone saying “...so the sex was a problem....” LOL

I later commented sadly that I hadn't however had a girlfriend during those years and he replied sadly that he hadn't either. Once during a hypomanic episode I rang him at 5am and asked him “Do you masturbate?” He replied, “Occasionally”.

Several years after he got married we were together alone and I told him about my “Personality of the Year” as my friend at Rehab who won instantly with a one-liner. My brother pressed me 3 times "What was the one-liner?" I wouldn't tell him. The one-liner was in reply to my question “What is it like to have sex?” My personality replied “Terrible. I don't want to talk about it. Don't worry, you're not missing out on anything!” I'm glad in a way that I didn't tell him as he later was blessed with a baby boy (it was a miracle as they had previously unsuccessfully tried IVF and given up on ever having a baby).

I've didn't have a sister to talk to about sex so your replies are very much appreciated!

Fond regards / dhammapal.

PS Jacqueline runs tantric sex workshops. I have heard that the male often resolves not to emit precious semen which sounds difficult, a bit like coitus interruptus!

Good on you for deciding to talk to your father and brother. I hope they are receptive and that you can talk openly with them.

It sounds like you are starting to feel more comfortable talking about and exploring sexual ideas. I think that's really positive. You don't need to be ashamed about your sexual feelings or past experiences.

Perhaps now you are at the right place in your life to embark on a journey to explore your sexuality. Embrace it!