Should I see a sex therapist?

Hi Platypus!

Yes I've decided to be more open with my father, brother and health professionals about sexuality. The decision itself is a big step forward! And to work on being open from now on rather than judging myself and others for not being open in the past.

With my brother there must have been a stressful change when we got separate bedrooms when I was 10 years old and he was 13 hitting puberty. I didn't get to ask him questions at night anymore.

I've decided to consult my psychiatrist first before going ahead with sex counselling. I've kept a mood diary and I've recorded masturbations in code so he wouldn't know so I need to be more open about this issue.

I used to be hyped up wanting to say as much as possible in the 15 minutes but now the session is more of a relaxed exercise in touching base to give him a sense of how I am outside therapy.

My appointment on the 20th July my personal helper and mentor is coming along. I haven't talked to him about sex either but I suppose we meet in coffee shops and public areas without clinical privacy. I was almost embarrassed when he noticed me in the chemist as I was looking for personal lubricant for masturbation.

I want to ask my GP and/or cardiologist about my pounding heartbeat when masturbating. I don't know if that is anxiety following my accident.

I visited my male GP in 1990 when I got a rash after using the artificial vagina. I thought it might be an STD!

Theravada Buddhism doesn't have a skillful role for sex so it might be best just to let the sex therapist thing go. My Buddhist mindfulness of the body practice is immediately relevant to my testicle discomfort and the phenomena in my penis as I manoeuvre around my social environment.

The main question I have for a sex therapist is statistics on whether masturbation is supposed to be more pleasurable than wet dreams which might have been the case before my accident I can't remember. What is the Sexual Disorder “NOS” Forum? Maybe I could ask there.

Do you masturbate?

Thanks / dhammapal

Hi dhammapal,

You could also post a question on this forum about masturbation versus wet dreams. Maybe some of the male users here could give you their opinion?

"NOS" stands for "Not Otherwise Specified". It is intended to be a place where people can talk about sexual disorders that aren't covered by the other forums. Whilst you are welcome to post there, that forum doesn't get as much traffic.

Hi Platypus,

I've had e-mail correspondence with the male sex therapist. He sent his best wishes for my psychiatric consultations. I managed to get a psychiatrist appointment for Wed 13th July and a GP appointment for the 14th.

Thanks for the info about PC muscles. I have less lust for my neighbour's wife thinking that she might not have strong PC muscles.

We have an extremely attractive new staff member at the Mental Health Respite Centre. She approved of my idea of using the term mammary glands to help others overcome pornography addiction. We looked into each other's eyes and I mentioned how watching TV was inappropriate sometimes because I could see the woman and she couldn't see me. There was also an elderly lady there with Parkinson's disease and I remembered the Buddhist idea that the appearance of her liver and the young woman's liver would be on an equal footing.

I've made some progress with my relationship with the Buddha (a celibate monk and spiritual refuge from 6th century BC India). I told him that I was abstaining from sexual misconduct - “So There!” (that's a euphemism – the Buddha can handle rude words directed at him)

There is a huge stigma in Australia that somehow masturbation is a sign of inadequacy. In a chemist I just ask for the condom section. I've located a chemist with the lubricant in stock but I didn't buy any (I haven't wanted to masturbate or look at the nudist photos since 29th June).

I found myself in a Christian bookshop the other day and according to what I read there both male and female masturbation is totally sinful, but they don't provide any skills to overcome lust other than the power of Christ. In Theravada Buddhism, laypeople abstain from masturbation on Full-moon, New-moon and half-moon days otherwise there is no offence.

I haven't posted the wet dream/masturbation question yet. My Dad and my mentor couldn't give a categorical answer. I'm starting to remember orgasms watching porn prior to my accident that were comparable to wet dreams. I remember once I was about 14 and my mother walked into my bedroom as I was having an orgasm so I couldn't speak!

I've been singing some early '80s pop songs. I'm feeling like a real man walking down the street on my own. I'm confident I'll get the answers I seek and the love that I need on this path.

Thanks for listening / dhammapal.

It's good to hear that you've heard from the sex therapist. I hope your upcoming appointments go well.

I've always bought condoms and lubricant from supermarkets. Just buy what you need with your groceries. The big chain supermarkets such as Coles and Woolworths normally have a good selection, unless you're after something really specific (in which case you may need to go to an adult/sex shop or place an order online).

How did your mother react when she walked in on you masturbating when you were about 14? Do you think that event could have affected you in some way?

Hi Platypus,

My local Coles supermarket doesn't carry sex items anymore I thought of buying the strawberry lubricant but it might stain my towel. What colour is natural female lubricant?

My brother and I were given a sex education book called “What's happening to me?” Australians are usually hung-up about sex, so there were no photographs only sketches. German Wikipedia has a realistic vulva article. I laughed when on Deutsche Welle the female newsreader introduced a story with “It's not the oldest profession, but....”

I got $1,400 as an Aussie pensioner stimulus package after the GFC. I could have gone to the brothel and had two girls at the same time but I donated to Cambodian water tanks instead. Do you think a sex worker would be offended if I couldn't get an erection? A friend of mine said stay away from prostitutes as his brother spent all his pension on them. Fifteen years ago the blonde prostitute burst into tears after I instantly said I wanted a brunette and “It's nothing personal - you're doing a good job.” Strippers are generally more attractive but they have dim lighting to obscure skin imperfections. And I think I would be impotent now. And I can donate the money to the Rape Crisis Centre online counselling appeal instead.

When I was 13 my parents took me to Auschwitz concentration camp during a holiday in Poland. I wasn't prepared for it beforehand. My parents decided I shouldn't watch the film screening of the worst suffering. I had a slight momentary hypomanic reaction in the photo gallery when I saw a nude photo of a female prisoner with her legs spread apart (who reminds me of the woman I fell in love with 12 years later which is spooky.) Our female guide burst into tears at the same moment so people didn't notice me. I have a friend who is a Jew so I don't have Nazi tendencies.

Regarding 14-year-old memories: I invited the girl I desperately wanted to impress to my house to show her my computer (before computers became common). I told Dad she was coming but not Mum. When Dad saw us he found it embarrassing and said “Have fun!” Mum was calm even though it was a surprise for her. My hope-girlfriend was upset that I hadn't told both of my parents. Around the same time I left a magazine on my bed with a female bottom on the cover. Mum mentioned it in front of my brother and I blushed. Dad's magazines disappeared from under my bed and I thought Mum had taken them. Five years later I found out that Dad had.

I think I will let the visualization of female external genitalia become a mystery and just occasionally look at the frontal nudity of cheerful nudists. I have made sure that I haven't kept any images of girls in their early teens which I can tell by the shape of their mammary glands. I might be monogamous with my favorite photo. Buddhist metta (goodwill) practice has lust as its “near enemy” (ill-will is the far enemy). The love is conditional on the camera angle, young adulthood of the woman and my sexual desire.

Thanks for listening. Much of what I have written above I have never told anyone before.

With metta (goodwill) / dhammapal.

dhammapal wrote:My local Coles supermarket doesn't carry sex items anymore

I've never heard of that happening before. I hope it's not the start of a new trend.

Most lubricants are water-based. They should come out in the wash. (You can get specialty or silicone-based lubricants from sex shops but they are more expensive.)

Normally vaginal discharge is clear or cloudy white. It changes as part of a woman's menstrual cycle.

dhammapal wrote:Do you think a sex worker would be offended if I couldn't get an erection?

Goodness no. I'm sure they experience that often! I imagine most would consider it part of their job to assist their clients when that happens.

Hi Platypus,

I had my psychiatrist and GP appointments (no to sex therapist and high blood pressure respectively). I concluded that loveless sex would be putting the cart before the horse. And Australian comedian Paul Hogan once had a skit where he was a doctor taking a patient's blood pressure when his nurse (Delvene Delaney) flashed herself at the critical moment.

My new staff member is the prettiest girl I've ever had a conversation with. I'm going to try to forget about the fact that it is her job to talk to me and focus on the social skills. I don't have to worry about getting another date. She has large mammary glands and I've had to remember the hot humid weather in February when the weatherman said “If you're feeling amorous forget it!” And I'm satisfied that when I'm sleeping I wouldn't want her lying next to me.

I've realized that I've longed for intimacy, being with someone who is open to having their opinions changed by what I have to say. After a friend's untimely death in 2006 I posted a story of his where during a meditation retreat mindful conversation exercise he shifted from talking about himself to adapting the lovingkindness phrases. He noticed both that his nervousness went away and that tears welled up in the other gentleman's eyes and one eventually rolled down his cheek. I did get feedback that people wept when they read my post.

On the other hand I need to get intimacy in perspective, that my main spiritual problem is that I am consuming a lot of resources at the expense of other living beings, even if I am vegetarian. If Polywell nuclear fusion works, such that civilization will continue for future generations, that is a lot of birth, old age, illness and death. I think better to transcend the whole cycle by practicing sex restraint. Still talking about what it would be like to have sex is helping this practice.

Thanks for listening / dhammapal.

I am not a spiritual person, but I strongly believe that it's your life to do as you see fit. I don't think you need to have sexual intercourse to be in touch with your sexuality. I think you can choose the level of sexual activity and involvement that best suits you.

If you want to concentrate in other areas of your life now, then I think most people would respect your choice. I hope you enjoy your journey, wherever it takes you.

Hi Platypus,

After reading How the Buddha set his goal I'm wondering if I've been subconsciously still looking for sex in addition to a spiritual experience. After reading the Buddhist quote I looked at my photos of cheerful female nudists wondering if that was what I really wanted. They had Duchenne smiles which only very, very good actors can fake. I thought they were being very kind by letting me look at the whole of the front of themselves completely nude apart from wearing a watch.

I'm wondering if I have pent-up lust making me neurotic and confused. Much of my sexual dispassion is sour grapes that I couldn't attain her even if I wanted to. And I twice gained an effortless erection when I pressed a woman's shoulder or held the trembling hand of a woman in her sixties. I suspect that skin-to-skin touch is a major factor in getting an erection although when I was younger even just a soft-porn photograph was a trigger. I made the split-second decision not to shake hands with the extremely sexy female new staff member at Respite. It is possible to experience lust whilst flopsy.

I wonder if I lie in bed 14 hours a day because people have sex in bed and I am infatuated with my own body. I don't have the desire to masturbate when I contemplate my pubic hair and skin as separable. When I first grew pubic hair at puberty I would hide my penis with my hand and imagine that I was looking at a woman's pussy which turned me on. Recently I google imaged “vagina speculum” which overcame my ignorance about what is universal beyond closed vulva variations.

I think I might be hyperventilating when I masturbate. I'll ask my doctor if my blood test showed the pH of my blood – hyperventilating makes it more alkaline leading to lactic acid problems.

Thanks for listening / dhammapal.