A little story + some questions

Hi!!!

Six years ago I met a boy online. We emailed each other frequently. I know it's stupid, but after two years I "fell in love". I thought I had a chance (we both are asexual, and we like similar things). However, I discovered that he's schizoid. He has never had a girlfriend (he's 31). Two years ago I told him about my feelings for him, and he was super kind to me. He has told me two or three times that even though he doesn't love me, he's very fond of me.

But lately, this has changed. I thought I could meet him in person (he lives in another country), but I feel he's not comfortable with the idea. So as we started having some problems (I'm a little borderline), I wanted to lose contact with him, but it seems that he wants to "know if I'm still alive", LOL.

A psychologist told me that I feed his ego, that's why he doesn't want to lose contact with me.

What do you think, am I feeding his ego?

I really want to visit him, do I have a chance?

Do you think he feels something for me (some kind of regard, maybe, as we have shared many things)?

Finally, do schizoids like the feeling of being loved?


Thank you so much and so sorry for my stupid questions.

In my experience, you are feeding his ego.

I personally like the fact that the opposite sex like me, however get too close and I will reject you, just as John West rejects defective tuna.

In my experience being loved (in a romantic sense) is akin to having a knife held firmly against my throat.

This is only my experience. I'm sure a lot of "us" have many & varying experiences.

Miss, There are no such things as stupid questions, You ask questions in life to grow & learn.

It depends. If you had abruptly stopped contact with no explanation, I can see why he might at least be curious to know what has happened.
If you had sent him a message explaining you didn't want to be in contact with him anymore (and maybe your reasons) and yet he is still massaging you - I'd say he's doing it for attention and to feed his ego.

"I really want to visit him, do I have a chance?"
Probably not, but I'm just basing this off his previous behaviour and my own experience - then again, I would never have bothered having an email 'relationship' with someone for 6 years.

"Do you think he feels something for me (some kind of regard, maybe, as we have shared many things)?"
Yes probably. I don't know what, but I'd guess he does.

"Finally, do schizoids like the feeling of being loved?"
I don't know. I can't understand and have never felt love myself so I don't know what other people are thinking/feeling either. I don't like the attention or behaviour that comes with infatuation though.

guess.who.loves.you wrote:Hi!!!

Six years ago I met a boy online. We emailed each other frequently. I know it's stupid, but after two years I "fell in love". I thought I had a chance (we both are asexual, and we like similar things). However, I discovered that he's schizoid. He has never had a girlfriend (he's 31). Two years ago I told him about my feelings for him, and he was super kind to me. He has told me two or three times that even though he doesn't love me, he's very fond of me.

But lately, this has changed. I thought I could meet him in person (he lives in another country), but I feel he's not comfortable with the idea. So as we started having some problems (I'm a little borderline), I wanted to lose contact with him, but it seems that he wants to "know if I'm still alive", LOL.

A psychologist told me that I feed his ego, that's why he doesn't want to lose contact with me.

What do you think, am I feeding his ego?

I really want to visit him, do I have a chance?

Do you think he feels something for me (some kind of regard, maybe, as we have shared many things)?

Finally, do schizoids like the feeling of being loved?


Thank you so much and so sorry for my stupid questions.

I think it is safe to say you are giving him positive attention, which humans like, so, yes, I would say you are feeding his ego. I don't think he is "stringing you along" with malicious intent, but it's clear from your description that he isn't interested in the kind of relationship you would like to have with him. If he were a more self-aware and thoughtful person, he would be more forthcoming about it and tell you plainly, but he is not obligated to. Save yourself time and energy and drop this wistful wish for a romantic relationship with him. You deserve to find someone who wants you as much as you want him.

It doesn't sound like you and this guy have really had an open and honest talk about what you want or need from each other. I wouldn't drop the whole thing just yet, because you said you "get the feeling that he isn't comfortable with the idea of seeing you", which I don't think is good enough. Get more information. Ask him directly. I would say something like "Hi, I can tell you're uncomfortable with the idea of us meeting in person. Am I right to assume this? I'm not pressuring you, but I would like to know, if you know, why you don't want to meet in person."
I think you should find out more about what's going on on his end before dropping the matter entirely.
This is just a guess, but I think it's possible that he feels pressured. Make sure you don't make him feel pressured to give a certain response, and don't pressure him to meet in person.
I agree with Rob in that being loved by someone (usually) feels like having a knife to your throat. I always think "No, you don't love me, you love the person I pretend to be. Therefore this could never work out, so please don't even bother yourself trying". If he thinks you've fallen in love with a persona (or mask) that he uses when he talks to you, then I can definitely see why he would absolutely not want to meet in person. He wouldn't want to ruin what you have by showing you what he really is like. That's only if he uses a mask with you, which he might not, given that you've been talking for 6 years.
I have a hard time believing that a schizoid would communicate with somebody else for 6 years simply because it boosts their ego. Maybe it's the friendship and comraderie that he gets from you (you say you're both asexual and have similar interests... it's difficult to find people in real life who have things in common with you, especially if you're schizoid or very introverted. So I can see that he wouldn't want to lose that). But that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be with you.

But none of that matters, it's all hypothetical. You need to talk to him. Use your words. Give him enough time to respond (like, give him a week or more if he doesn't know how to answer).

guess.who.loves.you wrote:But lately, this has changed. I thought I could meet him in person (he lives in another country), but I feel he's not comfortable with the idea.

What specifically makes you feel he's not comfortable with the idea?

Also, not feeling comfortable with something is not quite the same as not wanting to do it.

I really want to visit him, do I have a chance?

I'm sure you are perfectly aware that no-one on this forum can answer this. Schizoid people do not form a hive mind.

Do you think he feels something for me (some kind of regard, maybe, as we have shared many things)?

I thought you just said he told you he's very fond of you?

Finally, do schizoids like the feeling of being loved?

Imo feeling genuinely loved can potentially help a schizoid person tremendously.

Thank you so much for the anskers, Rob_Roid, Khaos, Darwinschild, and Obumbrata.

Rob_Roid wrote:In my experience being loved (in a romantic sense) is akin to having a knife held firmly against my throat.

May I ask you why? What do you feel?

Khaos wrote:If you had abruptly stopped contact with no explanation, I can see why he might at least be curious to know what has happened.
If you had sent him a message explaining you didn't want to be in contact with him anymore (and maybe your reasons) and yet he is still massaging you - I'd say he's doing it for attention and to feed his ego.

I would never have bothered having an email 'relationship' with someone for 6 years.

I can't understand and have never felt love myself so I don't know what other people are thinking/feeling either. I don't like the attention or behaviour that comes with infatuation though.

Sorry, I don't understand, do schizoids like getting attention from other people (even if it's online)?

Yes... That's what I think, after 6 years, most people would expect something...

And what do you mean by "infatuation"? Do you like feeling important, but without the drama?

Darwinschild wrote:I think it is safe to say you are giving him positive attention, which humans like, so, yes, I would say you are feeding his ego. I don't think he is "stringing you along" with malicious intent, but it's clear from your description that he isn't interested in the kind of relationship you would like to have with him. If he were a more self-aware and thoughtful person, he would be more forthcoming about it and tell you plainly, but he is not obligated to. Save yourself time and energy and drop this wistful wish for a romantic relationship with him. You deserve to find someone who wants you as much as you want him.

He just told me that he would get super nervous, not only with me, but with anyone. I mean, we even have talked via Skype... And everything was fine. So I don't get it.

And well, about the romantic relationship... I told him I just wanted to be his "special friend", not his girlfriend. Anyway, I know it's impossible.

Obumbrata wrote:It doesn't sound like you and this guy have really had an open and honest talk about what you want or need from each other. I wouldn't drop the whole thing just yet, because you said you "get the feeling that he isn't comfortable with the idea of seeing you", which I don't think is good enough. Get more information. Ask him directly. I would say something like "Hi, I can tell you're uncomfortable with the idea of us meeting in person. Am I right to assume this? I'm not pressuring you, but I would like to know, if you know, why you don't want to meet in person."
I think you should find out more about what's going on on his end before dropping the matter entirely.
This is just a guess, but I think it's possible that he feels pressured. Make sure you don't make him feel pressured to give a certain response, and don't pressure him to meet in person.
I agree with Rob in that being loved by someone (usually) feels like having a knife to your throat. I always think "No, you don't love me, you love the person I pretend to be. Therefore this could never work out, so please don't even bother yourself trying". If he thinks you've fallen in love with a persona (or mask) that he uses when he talks to you, then I can definitely see why he would absolutely not want to meet in person. He wouldn't want to ruin what you have by showing you what he really is like. That's only if he uses a mask with you, which he might not, given that you've been talking for 6 years.
I have a hard time believing that a schizoid would communicate with somebody else for 6 years simply because it boosts their ego. Maybe it's the friendship and comraderie that he gets from you (you say you're both asexual and have similar interests... it's difficult to find people in real life who have things in common with you, especially if you're schizoid or very introverted. So I can see that he wouldn't want to lose that). But that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be with you.

But none of that matters, it's all hypothetical. You need to talk to him. Use your words. Give him enough time to respond (like, give him a week or more if he doesn't know how to answer).

I need to ask the same, why? Why do you feel love is like having a knife to your throat? I mean, if the other person expect nothing from you, or almost nothing.

Again, thank you so much, guys.

-- Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:36 pm --

Ratatosk wrote:

guess.who.loves.you wrote:But lately, this has changed. I thought I could meet him in person (he lives in another country), but I feel he's not comfortable with the idea.

What specifically makes you feel he's not comfortable with the idea?

Also, not feeling comfortable with something is not quite the same as not wanting to do it.

I really want to visit him, do I have a chance?

I'm sure you are perfectly aware that no-one on this forum can answer this. Schizoid people do not form a hive mind.

Do you think he feels something for me (some kind of regard, maybe, as we have shared many things)?

I thought you just said he told you he's very fond of you?

Finally, do schizoids like the feeling of being loved?

Imo feeling genuinely loved can potentially help a schizoid person tremendously.

I asked him: "Could I visit you someday?" And he told me: "Well, I would get super nervous, not only with you but with anyone". Then I told him: "So I will never meet you IRL", he answered: "We don't know". I feel this answer like "No". I mean I'm borderline, for me it's white or black, there's no gray.

And may I ask... Schizoids tend to lie? Or do you feel you are more honest than the average?


Thank you so much, Ratatosk.

I need to ask the same, why? Why do you feel love is like having a knife to your throat? I mean, if the other person expect nothing from you, or almost nothing.

Well, if the person really expected nothing from me, then it wouldn't be so bad. But people never expect nothing from the person they love. Just having someone tell me they love me, I feel like I'm now forced to remain the person that they fell in love with. This is why my first (and only) relationship had to end. He kept telling me he loved me, and he wanted the old me back. Over the course of our relationship (about a year), I developed major depressive disorder and had to pretend to be the person I used to be, the person he fell in love with. Because I felt obligated to. Because he loved the "me" that I used to be. He didn't know that I no longer felt any emotions, and that I didn't love him back anymore, that he was in love with a dead girl . So it became very very tiring being around him. In this case, the person is expecting you to behave in a certain way, a way that doesn't come naturally to you. They want constancy, but you can't promise them anything.
Since then, nobody has gotten to know the real me (if such a thing exists), they only know my mask. Some people have inexplicably fallen in love with my mask, but they don't know that it isn't real. So when someone tells me "I love you" or something along those lines, I actually hear "I want you to maintain this mask when you're around me, because I like it. And I want you to be around me a lot, because I like that". And I can't possibly do this for them, because it's not natural, and it's tiring, and I don't stand to gain anything from it.
This is from the point of view of a (probable, but undiagnosed) schizoid who pretends not to be one in public (a "secret" and/or covert schizoid). If your guy is an overt schizoid and doesn't use a mask around you, then he probably won't have the aforementioned problems. But I do think he would definitely feel a lot of pressure. He might not want to let you close to him because he knows you love him (you told him so). So he might fear that even if you tell him now that you're not asking anything of him, you'll demand more with time. You told him that you can just be his "special friend". But he might worry (and perhaps rightly so) that you will get attached to him. If he doesn't think he will be able to reciprocate your feelings, then he wouldn't want to risk getting you attached to him. That's my best guess. I really think you need to ask him. We can give our best guesses, based on our own personal experiences, but your guy is not us. Please don't make any big decisions about your relationship based on what you read about schizoids in general, or what you hear from a select group of schizoid and schizoid-like individuals in a psych forum. Work things out with him. I wish you the best of luck.

-- Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:03 pm --

Sorry, there's more.

I asked him: "Could I visit you someday?" And he told me: "Well, I would get super nervous, not only with you but with anyone". Then I told him: "So I will never meet you IRL", he answered: "We don't know". I feel this answer like "No". I mean I'm borderline, for me it's white or black, there's no gray.

If you see things as black or white, and he knows this, then how can he believe that you'd be satisfied with an "in between" relationship? I don't know much about borderline, but I get the idea that their relationships are very intense and involved. If he knows this, then that might be more than he can handle. And do you really believe that you would be satisfied being a "special friend"? Or do you think you'd try to turn it into more? Are you already planning on working your way up to girlfriend status once you see an opportunity? I don't mean to attack you or anything, and I hope I don't offend you (like I said, I don't know much about BPD). But if I were him, this is the kind of thing that could affect my decision to meet you in person.

That is exactly why I don't think it is worth continuing to press him or hope that the relationship will develop into something more-- he has to figure it out for himself and unless you're willing to patiently wait until he figures it out, I would not get your hopes up. I don't want to speak on behalf of anyone but I do feel that schizoids are intensely private about their lives-- both their inner and outward lives. So I would not be surprised if he would like to keep your current relationship at arms length -- after all, it sounds like you've managed pretty well for 6 years.

It's not impossible for a schizoid to have a real relationship, but the circumstances you describe sound like he's using you to satisfy something for himself. He probably isn't fully aware of what he's doing, and he's not malicious. I've been there in a form of sorts, but I was at least 20-40% cognizant of my motives. It's just not a fair way to have a relationship.