Struggling with retroactive jealousy

Hey,

For anyone that doesn't know, retroactive jealousy is when you are irrationally preoccupied with your partner's past life to the point that it actually impairs your ability to function socially with them.

So basically this is my problem. We have been together for a couple of years and for the most part everything is wonderful- she is my best friend and, apart from my nuclear family, it is the most important and meaningful relationship I've ever had. I cannot tell you how much I love her

But every now and then something really bothers me. She has told me a fair bit about her past sex life. She has slept with 6 guys before me and done stuff with a few others. I know quite a lot of the details which I won't go into. This just really bothers me, I can't stop picturing her doing things to these guys and when I do it makes me incredibly unhappy, gives me a deadening feeling in my stomach etc. Not only this- it makes me act unpleasantly towards her and other people when I get in one of these moods.
I only get this obsessively when she is away from me for some time, so when I am around her regularly (which is mostly), I forget about it. But I want it to stop completely..

Thing is though, there is a further complication: I am a MASSIVE HYPOCRITE! I am actually ashamed for even writing this.
-I have slept with one more person than her, but she thinks I have slept with less people (at least she was truthful!)
-All the girls before her were one night stands, at least two of hers were boyfriends
-All the girls before her were rather cheap and slutty (won't go into details), she had known the vast majority of the guys she did things with for some time

I can see that rationally I simply cannot say anything because I don't have a leg to stand on. Besides, she has told me that she loves me more than anyone ever before, I am the first person to give her an orgasm, she wishes she had known me before so she could have been with me earlier/lost her virginity to me etc But I don't think I am a particularly rational person when it comes to this sort of thing.

On the side, I have problems in the form of mild depression and anxiety, I suspect also that I may have some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder and I definitely have an obsessive personality. I am jealous of her social life and feel very lonely sometimes.

I realise I don't come across as a very pleasant character but I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has as this has gone on too long.

Thanks

I'm wondering if part of this comes from your own insecurities and a part of it from having views about women that are based in double standards? I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this, but it is surprising how many people, in this modern age, are still influenced by views and opinions that belong to the last century.

One thing you said struck me

-All the girls before her were rather cheap and slutty (won't go into details), she had known the vast majority of the guys she did things with for some time

Think about this. You were no different to them, the only difference is your gender. By whose comparison were they "cheap and slutty"? Is it because they agreed to have a one night stand? It takes two to have a one night stand. Is it because of their appearance? It is a sad fact of life that some women place their sole value upon themselves on their attractiveness, and this is usually related to low self esteem, the media's sexualisation of women and some men's attitudes towards them. The women with whom you had your one night stands are human beings, with thoughts, opinions, feelings, life experiences etc and are not mere objects with whom to have sex. Please don't use the word "slut" to describe them, especially when there is no equivalent word for a male. Sadly, despite great moves forward, society still has a double standard at times.

For some men, women are viewed in black and white terms, and they have a "whore/Madonna" complex. The truth about women lies somewhere in the middle. Women are as entitled to men to experience their sexuality, and their sexuality alone doesn't define them.

Please work upon your self esteem. We all have a past. We all sometimes make mistakes in our pasts. We are all entitled to, it is our perogative. We don't need to justify ourselves. We all have a present and a future. You are in a present relationship with your girlfriend, who has been honest with you and seems to have given you no reason to feel insecure.

Please work upon your reasons for being insecure, and find ways to build up your self esteem. Therapy can help.

@some1somewhere, this is exactly what I feel right now about my current girlfriend.

"I have a girlfriend (age 23) and I'm very jealous of her past BFs (2 as she have mentioned to me) and MUs (3 or more I guess). She all have had sex with them (probably), and when backtracked their communications and/or photos in Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/AskFM, I became really insecured with myself and jealous. We had two consecutive fights about this (last day and yesterday), and she kept telling me that it doesn't matter anymore to her and that she's afraid to lose me (if I'll leave her). She also mentioned that if she could only delete her past, she would do it, as she's so disgusted with them and what happened between her and them. She also said that she did not see herself with them (and other guys in the future) having a baby/family, and she only wants to create one with me.

Now, I'm really confused if I should continue with our relationship (only 4 months), or bail out."


to be honest, I still don't know what to do.

writtenbyfire wrote:
Now, I'm really confused if I should continue with our relationship (only 4 months), or bail out.[/i]"


to be honest, I still don't know what to do.

What do you mean? Why would you bail out? Work on your issues, there's nothing wrong with having previous boyfriends, your view of the whole thing is unhealthy.

Hi writtenbyfire,

First, this is a very old thread, and so feel free to start a new one with what you want to write.

Second, you feel how you feel. It's not necessarily right or wrong, it just is, and you won't be the first or last person that struggles with these feelings. It is completely normal that some people have feelings of jealousy, and insecurity stirred when a partner has had multiple sex partners. I wrote 'some' because some not at all, and for some it could be 100, or 1000, or 50, but whatever the number is, you aren't entirely alone in feeling as you do.

By the way I just threw out some numbers to make the point. Even those who are sure they don't feel as you do might feel differently in the face of a different count.

So some questions that hopefully are helpful -

Do you love her?

Putting aside the past, do you two get along well together?

How did the past get brought up? Did she interject this information, or did you dig to find it?

shanzeek wrote:

writtenbyfire wrote:
Now, I'm really confused if I should continue with our relationship (only 4 months), or bail out.[/i]"


to be honest, I still don't know what to do.

What do you mean? Why would you bail out? Work on your issues, there's nothing wrong with having previous boyfriends, your view of the whole thing is unhealthy.

It just resurfaces from time to time especially during my idle time. I can't avoid comparing myself to her exes. I know it's unhealthy, that's why I think bailing out (or leaving her to no longer prolong her problem with me) is the best way. Sorry, I'm just really confused.

-- Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:37 am --

xdude wrote:Hi writtenbyfire,

First, this is a very old thread, and so feel free to start a new one with what you want to write.

Second, you feel how you feel. It's not necessarily right or wrong, it just is, and you won't be the first or last person that struggles with these feelings. It is completely normal that some people have feelings of jealousy, and insecurity stirred when a partner has had multiple sex partners. I wrote 'some' because some not at all, and for some it could be 100, or 1000, or 50, but whatever the number is, you aren't entirely alone in feeling as you do.

By the way I just threw out some numbers to make the point. Even those who are sure they don't feel as you do might feel differently in the face of a different count.

So some questions that hopefully are helpful -

Do you love her?

Putting aside the past, do you two get along well together?

How did the past get brought up? Did she interject this information, or did you dig to find it?

Hi xdude,

Thank you for your response. I have made a new thread which is related to this one (relationship/topic202707.html). I really love her, and we do get along very well. She even introduced me to her family (clan).

This (past) was brought up by me, and because of me. And yeah, I dug (and still digs) these things. But I'm trying my hardest to avoid it. I guess my mind is such a terrible place to live in and I no longer feel at home because of it. She always tells me that she loves me so much and that she wants us to live together under one roof. I'm just jealous that I'm not good enough for her compared to her exes.


Regards,
[*** mod edit *** - name removed]

Well, I have known a lot of guys like this and I think this is a mental health issue for some guys , and some therapy is probably important for you to get over it and give this wonderful woman a happy life.

Andrea1128 wrote:Well, I have known a lot of guys like this and I think this is a mental health issue for some guys , and some therapy is probably important for you to get over it and give this wonderful woman a happy life.

Hi Andrea1128,

I think therapy will help me but for now, I think it's best if I will do my best effort to ignore the past and live with today. Anyhow, thank you for your comment.


Regards,
writtenbyfire

Just an opinion (i.e., not fact) -

It may work for some people to beat themselves up over a phobia, a self-esteem issue, etc., but for others, self-acceptance works better. For the later, what felt like a mountain can slowly become a molehill when they stop adding to their own anxiety, I must get past this, or if I don't [fill in the blank]

I would choose whatever mindset works best for you writtenbyfire.

Another opinion -

What does matter is you find happiness, and you have a GF that loves you, and that she is happy. Therapy is an option, sure, but how many trillions of couples have had struggles, and managed to get through it without a therapist? Struggles happen. The most important thing is to enjoy the relationship part of the relationship.