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Struggling with retroactive jealousy

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Struggling with retroactive jealousy

Postby some1somewhere » Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:13 am


For anyone that doesn't know, retroactive jealousy is when you are irrationally preoccupied with your partner's past life to the point that it actually impairs your ability to function socially with them.

So basically this is my problem. We have been together for a couple of years and for the most part everything is wonderful- she is my best friend and, apart from my nuclear family, it is the most important and meaningful relationship I've ever had. I cannot tell you how much I love her

But every now and then something really bothers me. She has told me a fair bit about her past sex life. She has slept with 6 guys before me and done stuff with a few others. I know quite a lot of the details which I won't go into. This just really bothers me, I can't stop picturing her doing things to these guys and when I do it makes me incredibly unhappy, gives me a deadening feeling in my stomach etc. Not only this- it makes me act unpleasantly towards her and other people when I get in one of these moods.
I only get this obsessively when she is away from me for some time, so when I am around her regularly (which is mostly), I forget about it. But I want it to stop completely..

Thing is though, there is a further complication: I am a MASSIVE HYPOCRITE! I am actually ashamed for even writing this.
-I have slept with one more person than her, but she thinks I have slept with less people (at least she was truthful!)
-All the girls before her were one night stands, at least two of hers were boyfriends
-All the girls before her were rather cheap and slutty (won't go into details), she had known the vast majority of the guys she did things with for some time

I can see that rationally I simply cannot say anything because I don't have a leg to stand on. Besides, she has told me that she loves me more than anyone ever before, I am the first person to give her an orgasm, she wishes she had known me before so she could have been with me earlier/lost her virginity to me etc But I don't think I am a particularly rational person when it comes to this sort of thing.

On the side, I have problems in the form of mild depression and anxiety, I suspect also that I may have some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder and I definitely have an obsessive personality. I am jealous of her social life and feel very lonely sometimes.

I realise I don't come across as a very pleasant character but I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has as this has gone on too long.

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Re: Struggling with retroactive jealousy

Postby masquerade » Sun Jun 24, 2012 5:36 pm

I'm wondering if part of this comes from your own insecurities and a part of it from having views about women that are based in double standards? I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this, but it is surprising how many people, in this modern age, are still influenced by views and opinions that belong to the last century.

One thing you said struck me
-All the girls before her were rather cheap and slutty (won't go into details), she had known the vast majority of the guys she did things with for some time

Think about this. You were no different to them, the only difference is your gender. By whose comparison were they "cheap and slutty"? Is it because they agreed to have a one night stand? It takes two to have a one night stand. Is it because of their appearance? It is a sad fact of life that some women place their sole value upon themselves on their attractiveness, and this is usually related to low self esteem, the media's sexualisation of women and some men's attitudes towards them. The women with whom you had your one night stands are human beings, with thoughts, opinions, feelings, life experiences etc and are not mere objects with whom to have sex. Please don't use the word "slut" to describe them, especially when there is no equivalent word for a male. Sadly, despite great moves forward, society still has a double standard at times.

For some men, women are viewed in black and white terms, and they have a "whore/Madonna" complex. The truth about women lies somewhere in the middle. Women are as entitled to men to experience their sexuality, and their sexuality alone doesn't define them.

Please work upon your self esteem. We all have a past. We all sometimes make mistakes in our pasts. We are all entitled to, it is our perogative. We don't need to justify ourselves. We all have a present and a future. You are in a present relationship with your girlfriend, who has been honest with you and seems to have given you no reason to feel insecure.

Please work upon your reasons for being insecure, and find ways to build up your self esteem. Therapy can help.


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