Retroactive Jealousy

Hi, my name is C (age 27). I'm new here and I just want to open up something that bothers me ever since. The story is quite long, so I will cut it short and will go straight to my question.

I have a girlfriend (age 23) and I'm very jealous of her past BFs (2 as she have mentioned to me) and MUs (3 or more I guess). She all have had sex with them (probably), and when backtracked their communications and/or photos in Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/AskFM, I became really insecured with myself and jealous. We had two consecutive fights about this (last day and yesterday), and she kept telling me that it doesn't matter anymore to her and that she's afraid to lose me (if I'll leave her). She also mentioned that if she could only delete her past, she would do it, as she's so disgusted with them and what happened between her and them. She also said that she did not see herself with them (and other guys in the future) having a baby/family, and she only wants to create one with me.

Now, I'm really confused if I should continue with our relationship (only 4 months), or bail out.

Please help me.

Problem is that you'll have this problem even with new girlfriends, since it's unlikely that they'll not have had sex with any previous boyfriends.

I have a similar problem - and there is no quick fix. What I tried / try is to just have more and harder sex with my girl, compared to (what I believe) the type / amount she had with the past boyfriend(s), to try and be better than them. This probably will not help.

Hey writtenbyfire,

I think the root of this jealousy runs deep, as in, primal level (aka instinct), so you actually will not be able to entirely work out why you feel this way. Maybe not obvious, but it's a good thing when you see it this way. Here is what I mean -

Consider a different primal, instinctual, drive, like feeling hungry. You can intellectually understand the physiological reasons, but that doesn't change the core feeling, and ... there is no deeper psychological meaning/reason to be found either.

So not everyone feels the same primal jealousy, or maybe not the same level, or perhaps not the same triggers, but then use the hunger equivalent again. Not everyone feels the same level of hunger, or maybe you are one of those types who craves meats/salt, and someone else craves carbs/sweets. What is important is to avoid getting caught up in the trap of someone else' sense of hunger, and end up even more anxious questioning your own. Doesn't help, and who cares if someone else feels less hungry (or less jealous).

The real key points being -

1.) If hunger, and therefore what we eat, or how much, is negatively affecting our life, then working on it is called for (same with jealousy).

2.) Other people aren't you, and you aren't them, so if you can, don't add to your anxiety by judging yourself (or letting others do so), for feeling primal jealousy. Accepting it is a step toward taking control and moving forward.

Okay, so not everyone agrees with my opinion, and that's okay. Let me write it this way. Different animals engage in different sexual behaviors. There are a lot of variations, and pseudo patterns, but the most important observation is nobody believes animals reacting to social norms. We believe they are reacting to their primal instincts, and from that, their social (aka their group) norms follow. I want to suggest then do yourself a favor. Try to start by giving yourself a break. You feel as you feel, and that is good enough. Getting past the anxiety of 'something is wrong with me because (some) others think so' is just going to make it harder to actually get past it. In other words, it's okay to feel jealous (or angry, or sad, of whatever emotions you are feeling).

The intellectual arguments you know, she loves you, the past is the past. There is one intellectual argument you may not yet have embraced, but odds are she really isn't comparing you to her past. It is possible true, but for most of us, the vast majority of our focus is on what is happening in the now. The past is murky, foggy, in the back of our minds, etc.

One final thought - sometimes we are intent on hurting ourselves. If that's what's going on, that is something we can work on, why do we want to hurt?

xdude wrote:Hey writtenbyfire,

I think the root of this jealousy runs deep, as in, primal level (aka instinct), so you actually will not be able to entirely work out why you feel this way. Maybe not obvious, but it's a good thing when you see it this way. Here is what I mean -

Consider a different primal, instinctual, drive, like feeling hungry. You can intellectually understand the physiological reasons, but that doesn't change the core feeling, and ... there is no deeper psychological meaning/reason to be found either.

So not everyone feels the same primal jealousy, or maybe not the same level, or perhaps not the same triggers, but then use the hunger equivalent again. Not everyone feels the same level of hunger, or maybe you are one of those types who craves meats/salt, and someone else craves carbs/sweets. What is important is to avoid getting caught up in the trap of someone else' sense of hunger, and end up even more anxious questioning your own. Doesn't help, and who cares if someone else feels less hungry (or less jealous).

The real key points being -

1.) If hunger, and therefore what we eat, or how much, is negatively affecting our life, then working on it is called for (same with jealousy).

2.) Other people aren't you, and you aren't them, so if you can, don't add to your anxiety by judging yourself (or letting others do so), for feeling primal jealousy. Accepting it is a step toward taking control and moving forward.

Okay, so not everyone agrees with my opinion, and that's okay. Let me write it this way. Different animals engage in different sexual behaviors. There are a lot of variations, and pseudo patterns, but the most important observation is nobody believes animals reacting to social norms. We believe they are reacting to their primal instincts, and from that, their social (aka their group) norms follow. I want to suggest then do yourself a favor. Try to start by giving yourself a break. You feel as you feel, and that is good enough. Getting past the anxiety of 'something is wrong with me because (some) others think so' is just going to make it harder to actually get past it. In other words, it's okay to feel jealous (or angry, or sad, of whatever emotions you are feeling).

The intellectual arguments you know, she loves you, the past is the past. There is one intellectual argument you may not yet have embraced, but odds are she really isn't comparing you to her past. It is possible true, but for most of us, the vast majority of our focus is on what is happening in the now. The past is murky, foggy, in the back of our minds, etc.

One final thought - sometimes we are intent on hurting ourselves. If that's what's going on, that is something we can work on, why do we want to hurt?

Hi xdude,

I don't know how to say this but you're the first person who actually gave me a substantial advise even if this is just through here (internet, and not personal). Somehow, after reading your message, I felt a sigh of relief. I know that I really need to accept these things with composure and that I really need to clear my mind to get through things like these. It's just that, my inner self makes distorted flashbacks of things that I barely imagine (her doing stuff with her exes, etc.), which in reality, it's all been done and there's nothing I can do about it. I guess I just lack of self-confidence and because of that, I always compare myself with others (not just sexually).

My problem now is that, how I will conquer/defeat these things that lingers in my mind.

By the way I'm from the [*** mod edit *** - location removed], and this kind of concern wouldn't bother anyone (I mean they will not give me an elaborated explanation nor advise) but instead, they will (probably) laugh at me.

Thank you so much, xdude.


Regards,
[*** mod edit *** - name removed]

Hey writtenbyfire,

You clearly mean well, and are trying to work on this. You know most everyone has some self-esteem issue(s) that bother them. People don't walk around telling each other this, but really I don't know anyone who isn't struggling with some self-esteem issues. When you see this clearly, it can help you to give yourself a break. To stop expecting something that is unrealistic to begin with.

Anyway...

Someone once gave me a good analogy. They said, it's like you're hitting yourself over the head with a baseball bat, over and over, of course you don't feel good. Why are you doing that to yourself?

Those self-created tape-loops are really difficult to stop. We just end up hurting ourselves when we create them, and replay them.

Question is, what are we getting out of hurting ourselves? There are many possible reasons, so only you can figure out your answer(s), but there is something we are getting out of it, else we wouldn't repeat. It takes time to figure this out.

p.s. Please be careful not to include too much personal information (example, name, location, etc.) as we require all users here remain anonymous. This is for your own benefit. We have no idea who else may be reading here.

xdude wrote:Hey writtenbyfire,

You clearly mean well, and are trying to work on this. You know most everyone has some self-esteem issue(s) that bother them. People don't walk around telling each other this, but really I don't know anyone who isn't struggling with some self-esteem issues. When you see this clearly, it can help you to give yourself a break. To stop expecting something that is unrealistic to begin with.

Anyway...

Someone once gave me a good analogy. They said, it's like you're hitting yourself over the head with a baseball bat, over and over, of course you don't feel good. Why are you doing that to yourself?

Those self-created tape-loops are really difficult to stop. We just end up hurting ourselves when we create them, and replay them.

Question is, what are we getting out of hurting ourselves? There are many possible reasons, so only you can figure out your answer(s), but there is something we are getting out of it, else we wouldn't repeat. It takes time to figure this out.

p.s. Please be careful not to include too much personal information (example, name, location, etc.) as we require all users here remain anonymous. This is for your own benefit. We have no idea who else may be reading here.

Hi xdude,

You're correct, almost everyone that I know have self-esteem issue/s. I'm working on it very hard, and hopes that some time I will be able to handle it.

On the other note, that analogy made its point very well to me. I, myself, also don't know why I keep on doing that and the end result (every time) is I get hurt, to the deepest of my mind and imagination. I guess (please correct me if I'm wrong as I really wanted to have other peoples' point of view) I just have to quit remembering the past (her past), and don't let today slips away.

P.S. Now I get it, that's why my name gets deleted everytime I post it. Thank you for reminding me.


Regards,
writtenbyfire

Just an opinion, but yes... working on stopping the habit of hurting you will help.

Of course that's easily written, and not easily done. Sometimes a therapist can help, or provide tools that help, but yea, breaking the habit of hurting ourselves not only hurts less, but leaves us time to enjoy more. A real win-win.

By the way, same applies if reading old social media, searching for old triggering photos or memorabilia, etc. It's understandable why we might do this, but the only one we end up hurting is ourselves.