What is this??? *may trigger*

Well, I am feeling really bad about a situation I have had with a guy since 6 months ago.

I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn't serious. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his "gf" last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn't give it much importance as I didn't really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks' time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn't want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn't like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn't know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn't give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn't know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn't even look back.

When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I can undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we can talk he says that he doesn't know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don't suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn't answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was ######6 a girl in another country.

And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can't be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn't believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn't know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn't do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn't answer. Today I said to him to call me sometime and he said "only when I want to!" I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says "because I didn't want to". And then he said "appreciate it, that I call you"

Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don't know what to think anymore.

HI. I am going to mirror this to Relationships Forum as well. It will be in both places.

Otter.

He sounds seriously difficult and i'm not surprised you're feeling so bad about what's been happening with him..

He sounds like he's emotionally manipulative, rude, lacks empathy, controlling, uncaring, nasty.. he deflects and projects everything on to you and other people when he feels that he's losing control in any way..

You know that you're too good for him don't you? Please tell me you know that.. because you really are - you want him to care for you and love you - he really is incapable of any of this by the looks of things..
please read over everything that you've written and ask yourself what you'd say to your friend.. your sister.. your mother.. your daughter if they said that they were in this situation ..
what would you say to me if i wrote what you'd written?

Please think about what his actions are telling you - the nice man that he pretended to be for a little while at the beginning isn't there - he isn't real.. but there are lots of properly decent men out there - ones that don't change the minute that you care about them - the minute they know they can use your kindness and good nature against you - they won't hurt you.
You're good enough to leave this one alone and forget about the ''what if?'' - because he's not suddenly going to wake up tomorrow and be nice to you - he's not going to wake up and love you.. someone else is single and out there - go and find him or spend some time on your own and heal up a little bit - you're much much more worthwhile than this man makes you feel - promise xx

seabreezeblue wrote::(

He sounds seriously difficult and i'm not surprised you're feeling so bad about what's been happening with him..

He sounds like he's emotionally manipulative, rude, lacks empathy, controlling, uncaring, nasty.. he deflects and projects everything on to you and other people when he feels that he's losing control in any way..

You know that you're too good for him don't you? Please tell me you know that.. because you really are - you want him to care for you and love you - he really is incapable of any of this by the looks of things..
please read over everything that you've written and ask yourself what you'd say to your friend.. your sister.. your mother.. your daughter if they said that they were in this situation ..
what would you say to me if i wrote what you'd written?

Please think about what his actions are telling you - the nice man that he pretended to be for a little while at the beginning isn't there - he isn't real.. but there are lots of properly decent men out there - ones that don't change the minute that you care about them - the minute they know they can use your kindness and good nature against you - they won't hurt you.
You're good enough to leave this one alone and forget about the ''what if?'' - because he's not suddenly going to wake up tomorrow and be nice to you - he's not going to wake up and love you.. someone else is single and out there - go and find him or spend some time on your own and heal up a little bit - you're much much more worthwhile than this man makes you feel - promise xx

Thanks for the reply.

I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the "beating me" part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.

While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn't. He had sex with me at that time and I didn't feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn't right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie's wings are cutt off. He said: "mind, I didn't cut your wings off". I hadn't watched the movie and didn't have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn't cut off my wings.

Then we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won't meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn't understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won't meet him again because I don't meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore.

that is really scary..

Do you think he brought up the rape topic because he knew that what he did to you the night before wasn't acceptable and he was trying to gauge your response to what happened?
I completely understand why you felt that you'd been forced - what happened was very very very not okay and shouldn't have happened at all.. you said no and asked him to stop and he didn't..

I've seen that Maleficent film but hadn't realised that the scene where her wings are cut off represented rape.. I know that I really struggled to watch that part of the film and it was really difficult to sit through without crying for her there..

What do you want to do? I know you have a lot of feelings for him and there's lots of confusion around what happened and still is happening but are you keeping away from him while you think things through and are you safe atm?

This guy is sick.....right?

seabreezeblue wrote:that is really scary..

Do you think he brought up the rape topic because he knew that what he did to you the night before wasn't acceptable and he was trying to gauge your response to what happened?
I completely understand why you felt that you'd been forced - what happened was very very very not okay and shouldn't have happened at all.. you said no and asked him to stop and he didn't..

I've seen that Maleficent film but hadn't realised that the scene where her wings are cut off represented rape.. I know that I really struggled to watch that part of the film and it was really difficult to sit through without crying for her there..

What do you want to do? I know you have a lot of feelings for him and there's lots of confusion around what happened and still is happening but are you keeping away from him while you think things through and are you safe atm?

We are in different countries so I am safe. I knew I had to stop this somehow, first because I have been at the receiving end of abuse non stop. He has called me idiotic, ignorant, illiterate, stupid, clumsy and what not. He has hung up on me so many times while talking or giving me deadlines to talk, the abuse has been non stop and then this last time with him the beating part and the raping part. Also, there was no way I was going to fly to him again. And on our last conversation he said seeing me was out of question as I interfere with his social network (despite offering me only 36 hours and wanting to put it down to 24 hours).

I thought it was much of a coincidence that he brought up such a particular topic "raping" the very next morning after I had felt the previous night quite uncomfortable in the manner he approached me (rough). And he used the conversation he had had with my brother in law to say that he had accused him of raping women. I couldn't understand what he was talking about and I kept saying that there was no way my brother in law would have said something like that. It was only later on that it drew on me that I had felt uncomfortable in the way he had grabbed me the previous night and there he was bringing this topic up.

I just really feel bad that he blocked me without previous warning, just because I told him that if he didn't want to see me again because I interfere with this "social network" that then I don't fly to people who are beaters and talk about raping. I sent him a couple of sms asking why he has blocked me and that at least he could tell me that he doesn't want it, at least give an explanation and not getting rid of me by pressing a block button after having talked for 6 months and having met 3 times. It is mean and cruel.

-- Sun Aug 30, 2015 8:22 pm --

angelinbluejeans wrote:This guy is sick.....right?

I wish I knew. I am just hurt, so hurt....I don't know whether he is sick, evil.

Oh, hurtingbadly, what he did is unspeakable. What I wonder is why you kept going back to him, or visiting him, or even continue talking to him.

Paying attention to why you did this, why you accepted his unspeakable treatment, could bring you healing, and never allowing a situation like this one occur ever again.

I'm sorry this happen, and ... no one who matters would ever treat anyone like that.

He's a real asshole!

Sea

Seangel wrote:Oh, hurtingbadly, what he did is unspeakable. What I wonder is why you kept going back to him, or visiting him, or even continue talking to him.

Paying attention to why you did this, why you accepted his unspeakable treatment, could bring you healing, and never allowing a situation like this one occur ever again.

I'm sorry this happen, and ... no one who matters would ever treat anyone like that.

He's a real asshole!

Sea

I have been wondering all along whether he is a Psychopath and yes, I know very well the immediate question is why I kept going. I can't find the answer myself. At the start I wasn't really interested and I thought we would just chat and that would be it and also, I didn't know him at that stage so I basically kept going. Then, when I met him the first time I thought he was a really nice guy and we were very comfortable together so I guess from that time I became to like him. He told me he wanted to meet me again and we arranged to do so. I suppose I started to get hooked at that time.

After that, despite the constant put downs he has put me through and all he has told me and done for some reason I can't even comprehend myself I seem to be incapable to to walk away. People told me to block him, to not talk to him and I simply couldn't. He has blocked me several times, whenever I said something he didn't like and he used to warn me saying "I am going to block you". Last week he blocked me when I had just told him that if he wasn't going to meet me again because according to him I interfere with his social network (and that is considering that we meet for 36 hours) that then I wasn't going to meet a beater and someone who talks about rape. So, I guess that me expressing that is what made him block me again. Although in the past he has unblocked me I don't think that will be the case now as I also threatened him with telling his gf because I was so hurt.

I understand. Sometimes... we ourselves don't understand the reasons why we stay.

I've read some people with certain disorders like psychopathy and BPD and others are really alluring, so it is easy to get hooked. He might also have fulfilled certain need inside and that kept you going back.

I've read that we seek to fulfill our primal needs, those we felt during childhood and were not met. Or maybe he's reminding you of something from childhood and you are linking that behavior with love. You could also be compartmentalizing and forgetting his bad behavior when he is being nice.

Any how, look more into the disorder, and understand better how partners are treated, so that you can develop tools to being able to say no, to fulfill whatever need he's fulfilling so that he doesn't get to treat you like that ever again.

Putting a time limit to your conversations is humiliating. Talking to someone you care is a present, not something that has a time limit. And he's not careful at all with your feelings. So, take care of yourself, and whenever you feel like it, come and talk in the forums.

Take care.

Sea