Integration

Hello, I'm wondering what people think about integration, and if anyone has good or not so good experiences to share about integration work. Over time, I have been pretty successful in recovering memories, getting to know the different parts of myself and integrating fragments into more full parts. This has been a lot of hard work, but well worth the effort because all of it has given me a much better understanding of myself, and more control over my different parts, and their corresponding behavior & emotions. So, I have always had the idea that the more that I can integrate the better, without knowing if true integration is truly possible, having the hope that I can continue moving in that direction. But recently, and I think it it because I finally felt safe and supported enough externally, I felt like I had a big internal collapse - like all of the walls between my neatly compartamentalized parts fell apart... and I am suddenly able to feel so much at the same time, things I previously had to split off to feel. In a way this seems good - moving towards integration. But, it also feels horrible, and I suddenly understand very deeply why I split off into different parts - the trauma and the feelings and the pain that different parts hold IS way too much to hold all together. I prefer to rememeber it happening to someone else (another part of me). It's not that I'm having new memories, just that I am remember in a different way - in first person. I am so overwhelmed by it, it seems totally intolerable, and I am wishing my internal walls back and thinking that integration is a terrible idea - that my DID is what has let me function relatively well, and stay alive. That what's underneath could infact completely disable or kill me, even all these years later. But then, I also think that processing what is underneath is the only way to really heal, and if I could survive through it, I would come out a lot stronger and whole on the other side. So I don't know which way to go. Anyone have experiences? thoughts? Opinions?

You do know that integration is usually a choice, right?

Personally, I'm for staying multiple. That doesn't mean I'm not for healing, or for processing everything, or anything like that. I am. But it can be done without integration. Each individual part can use therapy and stuff to help them with their own wounds and troubles, and that overall will help the system as a whole. You can work on increasing communication, memory-sharing between each other, co-consciousness, co-hosting, and switching at-will. You can each heal at your own pace; share memories with each other so no one has blank spots; you can all process your memories at your own pace before processing them together; and you can become a fully functional, healed, smooth-running system/team. That's our personal goal. We like our "family of one", and we don't think we need to integrate to become just as functional (if not better ) than any "normal" person. Sure, it's a process, but so is integration. And the few days where we've had amazing system functioning and team effort, everyone helping each other, each other's strengths helping with each other's weaknesses, it's clear to us that it's a worthwhile process. When we're functioning as a system and a team, to our best capacity, it's awesome. And once everyone's healed, memory's are fully processed, and everything like that, we'll always be able to function that well. And that, to us, would be perfectly fine.

But this thread might be helpful to you, it's about integration. It might be a bit difficult to understand at first, but don't be afraid to ask questions, I know the poster is happy to answer any questions and help make her posts more clear/understandable to people. Here it is: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100124.html

I'm not much help as far as integration goes, but the poster of that thread knows TONS about it, so they'd be an excellent person to ask about integration.
Other than that, the only thing I can think of is to search for integration threads on here.

I hope I was somewhat helpful. Good luck with this!

-Cassandra

Personally, I'm mixed on the idea of integration. It's probably a good idea but I feel like once I'm able to get to know my headmates I won't want to merge with them, just let them be and help all of us heal. But my husband thinks that's the "cure" for DID, and the only option available, and that's why he's willing to pay for my therapy. He wants me to be "whole".

Thanks for your responses!

wronglesson wrote:But my husband thinks that's the "cure" for DID, and the only option available, and that's why he's willing to pay for my therapy. He wants me to be "whole".

Your husband's wrong. DID isn't like a cold or an illness with a specific "cure". It's a condition with choices of how to work with your condition, learn how to be functional with it, learn how to make it work for you instead of against you in a sense. There is healing, yes, but no specific "cure". You don't have to integrate to fully heal, to be fully healthy, or to be fully functional like any "normal" person. True, integration is an option of healing, but it's not the only one, and it's not a "cure".

-KAT

tomboy24 wrote:Your husband's wrong. DID isn't like a cold or an illness with a specific "cure". It's a condition with choices of how to work with your condition, learn how to be functional with it, learn how to make it work for you instead of against you in a sense. There is healing, yes, but no specific "cure". You don't have to integrate to fully heal, to be fully healthy, or to be fully functional like any "normal" person. True, integration is an option of healing, but it's not the only one, and it's not a "cure".

-KAT

Yeah, I had a feeling it was more like that. Course, just a few weeks ago I was still under the impression I could just get put on medication for it (silly thought, considering I'm already on four meds for my bipolar and non of those have done anything for the DID). But I think my husband in the end will adjust to whatever way I go in therapy, just as long as I do well and all that jazz.