What its like to be me - input appreciated from you

As l read this forum and the postings of all the other HPDs l am struck by how similar to me they are, in their thoughts and their opinions and their attitudes and their early childhood experiences and it is quite uncanny how people can be so similar. We are all similar and yet quite diferent too. l have the appeasing type of the disorder but l do find that l sometimes cross over into the acting out type.

We all crave attention and find different ways to get it. l use my looks and my humour to gain attention and sometimes l will play on illnesses, not always deliberately for when l get a cold or the flu l REALLY DO worry that it might be a brain tumour or meningitis or something terrible.

l am always keen to be NICE, for people to think l am NICE, to be seen to be terribly altruistic and caring. Politeness is terribly important to me, even on this forum, and l hate to see people argue here, although there have been occassions in the past when l have shocked people with the level of my anger, which they have not seen before. l do genuinely care about people and about issues but l do wonder if it is also a means of seeking approval, of being APPEASING to others.

l am very concerned about the impression l am making, and will spend hours looking in the mirror or at photographs of myself, or watching myself on video - not so much from vanity, it is more like an obsession about the way l appear to others. Do any other HPDs on here find that they do the same? l am constantly worrying about the impression l am making and l try to make sure that it is always a favourable impression. l know that l might seem to be sugary sometimes and would love to be more real and more authentic, but because l am uncertain as to who the REAL me is, l don't know how to do this. l always seem to be playing a role as it gives me a sense of identification, which l lack. l believe that in lots of ways people like Alice have moved forward to a much greater extent than me because they can be REAL and express anger and a whole host of other emotions and let those emotions come across even in the written word. l find it difficult to do that and will intellectualise my feelings or describe them in a very matter of fact way. l can't express them in a way that is authentic and it bothers me.

Have any other HPDs on here ever modelled themselves on a person they admire, taking on their mannerisms, voice patterns and even attitudes? l have done that throughout my life, and this is why l call myself Masquerade for l wear a mask. My choice of career as a beautician is really all about the wearing of a mask, a mask of make up, and l wear make up every day without fail, not just because of my work or even to look good, but because without my mask l feel bland and invisible. l am certainly not ugly and l don't have issues about the way l look - the reason why l wear make up goes much deeper than that. l need it to feel complete. l have a very distinctive and funky hair style that makes me stand out and it draws attention to me. lf my hair is bland and ordinary l feel like l do not exist. l dress very individually too and hate bland and boring clothes. lf l have to wear them l feel non existant.

My home is decorated in a very distinctive and unusual manner. lt is not just because l am artistic, but l am proud of the impression it makes to others. People who know me describe me as unique and alternative, but l wonder if l am projecting that image because l would feel worthless if l was bland and ordinary.

What is it about me that is so caught up in creating impressions? My entire existance is bound up in the impressions that l make and the impressions others make upon me. l do not know who l am beneath all the labels, and this disorder has in a way become just another label to define me. lt has given me a definition and in a way become a bit of an obsession for me. l am working hard on my recovery, but wonder what l would be without the label of my disorder to hide behind. My therapist has said that the dramatic personality that l have, when it is not pathalogical, is a good one to have, and l am proud of this type of personality style, for it is colourful and cheerful, but l must admit that there is a part of me that is scared to lose the disorder, for then what would l have left?

l am scared of invisibility for l was not seen as a child. This hurts me.

l wish l could talk in some REAL depth about my pain and my insecurity on this forum but a lifetime of putting on a brave face, of not really facing up to issues, of acknowledging deeply felt buried pain, makes it really difficult to do so. lt is much more comfortable to have rapidly shifting shallow emotions and putting my emotions away in a box, to worry about them tomorrow like Scarlett O'Hara. lt is easier to slip into the mask of the pleasant, friendly, jocular, dizzy, wacky, arty, pleasant, polite Masquerade and wear that label. l really do not know the person who lies beneath.

l find comfort from this forum for l know that there are others like me, who are going through their struggles like l am, but in some ways l envy the ones who are able to express their hurt and pain in real ways. l can't do that. l am empty inside if the truth be known. l am cold and empty. l am aware that l do not have empathy and that deep down inside any caring that l have for other people is sentimental and gushing and not really felt on a deep level. l get quite moved by some of these posts and l am sincere when l post replies but when l pack away my lap top it is a case of out of sight out of mind. My dealings with my friends are similar. When l put the phone down after a conversation with someone who is hurting l put them out of my mind.

l have posted here about love and altruism and how we all need to learn to be more loving and l mean that on an intellectual level and l really would like to be that way, but emotionally it is difficult for me to put that into any kind of practice that really means anything. Everyone around me describes me as caring, but it is a front, it is a way of acting that gets me approval and this is the first time in my life that l have been honest enough to acknowledge this. l am not a bad person, for l do not consciously try to harm anyone, but l suppose that l do inadvertantly harm people by not really being available to them, by not really being able to feel for them, by not really connecting with them. l am empty inside. l wish l could FEEL remorse for this, but l can't. l can acknowledge it all intellectually but not emotionally. l want to be able to feel sad about this but l don't. Any sadness that l feel, ever, is a sadness borne out of selfishness. l recognise that l must be narcissistic too and would like to be able to say that this bothers me but it doesn't. Not really.

This is probably the most honest post l have ever written and l know that it is a good sign that l am beginning to recognise these aspects of myself, and it could be a sign that l am recovering but l cannot recover until l know who l really am and l don't. MY CONCEPT OF MYSELF DOES NOT EXIST.

To be even more honest, my entire world revolves around ME. l love my children and my husband. l would lay down my life for my kids but that is as far as it goes. Even the love that l feel for my husband is borne out of NEED. l NEED him to pamper me, to indulge me, to hold me, and l in turn pamper, indulge and hold him. Our sex life is amazing. However, if he were to stop loving me or expressing his love for me in this manner, l would feel pain BUT ONLY FOR AS LONG AS IT TOOK TO FIND A REPLACEMENT. l know he is not reading these words for he has given me his word that the forum is my private place to vent and to express. l want to learn how to love him properly, l really do, and l am learning. l am learning that love is not all about attention and he is patiently showing me how to love properly, but I HAVE NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOVED PROPERLY AS A CHILD and so l don't know what love really is. These words about my husband may shock, and l apologise to the nons here who have been reading my story who have seen a glimmer of hope that the disorder can be treated. l feel as if l am disillusioning them by admitting how l really feel. l did not realise the extent of how l really feel till l wrote this post.

l wish l could cry just now but l can't. l wish l could cry for myself and the people who believe in me when really l am just an empty shell, but l can't.

l find solace and comfort from my beliefs in Budhism but sometimes l wonder if that is just another part of the whole denial thing, and a means of not really facing up to reality.

l just want to learn how to love myself and others in authentic ways...............is there any hope for me, really?

When l think of how far l have come in my recovery l am encouraged, and l think the fact that l am at last being able to be honest and see myself realistically is a good sign. l have to be optimistic. As my therapist says, where there is life, there is hope, there is always hope and it is what l am clinging on to.

l am glad l have been heard and l would love to have some feed back. l feel close to the people on the board who l don't even know - maybe l am seeing intimacy here where there is none like the HPD that l am, but we have all shared our innermost thoughts and feelings here. l can't talk to anyone like this, except for my therapist and l actually feel closer to a whole bunch of strangers than l do to anyone in my life at the moment.

Masquerade,

I can tell what mood you are in by the intensity of your letter. I have been told by past lovers that they have had to read my letters twice sometimes three times to fully grasp the emotions and depth displayed. Here, I see what they must have meant. I don't think that anything I can possible say will be a proper response to your post here. I tend to think in circles and this letter has sent me spinning in a million different directions.
I see you in your mask. The flesh underneath is new, soft, pink and sensitive. Fresh. But alive and growing everyday. When will you be able to unsheath? That is an answer only for time to tell. For you.
I see myself as a little girl. Where did it start? How old was I? I remember pretending a lot. I remember believing what I was pretending. I am outside and inside of a small tree that I cleared out and put tea pots and such in. It bloomed yellow in the summer. My safe place (When I got older my mother used it as a switch tree...ironic). Is this where it begins? I do not know for sure. My memories of my youth are sketchy and unclear, the truth distorted.
I can go on for days about what I have been told about myself from others. What can I tell myself about myself. Until only a few short months ago. Now I can reflect. Just as you are. I believe this to be a healthy start.
I believe I have appeasing histrionic personality disorder with conversion disorder and rationalization. So I don't somatize. I actually lost the vision in my left eye for a month. The doctors thought I had MS. It scared the crap out of me and I sat depressed and scared in my apartment for a week. I am nice, overly nice. Like you I can get extremely angry and go off into an extremely cold and hateful rant if provoked. I think that I have always wished to portray a since of perfection and life bothers the hell out of me if all is not perfect. I obsess until I can fix whatever the problem may be. Even if it cannot be fixed. Its as if all areas of life go dark except for the problem area until I can fix the problem.
I have good decorating taste. Tasteful renaissance, cultural, my place is like going through a museum. Mostly stuff I have picked up through my travels.
I don’t look in the mirror a lot. I have low self esteem…
I do pick up traits that I find appealing in others and use them. Phrases, body language ect.
I’m not so much funny but goofy…lol
I use my hands a lot when I talk.
I forget things a lot. People, happenings. Things probably that would have pulled me out of my perfect world. I also avoid people in my life that are sick or dying. I don’t go see them as much as I should. I stay away..why would I do that?
I’m going to stop here, if not I’ll be up all night and just keep writing…
But I will leave with this. I have always paid attention to my dreams because I seek answers outside of myself so often. Dreams, horoscopes, dead family members…But I will say that I had a dream that I was lying in bed crying and begging God to forgive me for all that I have done. (I have never chosen to be saved, funny it should happen in a dream) An inner voice said to me..you are forgiven and told me not to have fears. (don’t worry I already know I’m crazy!) There were water drops dropping into a puddle and making ripples into the water. Then this morning I realized that I not only need God’s forgiveness (or my own?) (or a mixture of both?) but also my mothers. I have never been religious, more spiritual. So whether it was God, my inner self, or whatever. I believe. It is time for me to move onto the next phase of life. The phase of self actualization.
Masquerade,
You worry of not having empathy? Can I ask if this can be learned?
Great letter. I’ve over responded. That’s something else I do…
Take care,
Jean

First, I have 2 things to say.

1. I want to hug you. Like, to pieces. I adopt the altruistic qualities and appeasing. I want for you to be ok. This post makes me think of you like Alice. I have no rights to feel this way but it is almost like I can help her. Hold her. Protect her. Make her feel better. And now you. I will keep my boundaries but I wanted to express that after reading this (and I actually read it all! that's big for me) that this is how I felt.

2. I don't know if I count around here in this regard. I am not diagnosed, but I hope that maybe some of my words can help you, Masq. That they could count enough that you feel a connection with me.

masquerade wrote:We all crave attention and find different ways to get it. l use my looks and my humour to gain attention and sometimes l will play on illnesses, not always deliberately for when l get a cold or the flu l REALLY DO worry that it might be a brain tumour or meningitis or something terrible.

Dr. Google is evil. But alas, he is omnipotent. He knows all and when we use him, we know all. I do the same thing but sometimes I do it knowingly and out of, almost, compulsion. I am allergic to mint leaf oils. Mojiotos = no no for Sans. But the other night at work I was having the worst night. Fighting with my husband (and gaslighting him), fighting with my supervisor at work over something that was not my fault (actually) and I was in a patients room and used her soap. I first picked it up and saw it was mint/pomegranate or something. Mint none the less. I wondered for just a moment if it had enough mint oil in it to cause a reaction. Before I knew it, it was in my hand. Then I blinked and it was up my arms. All I could think, all that was consuming was, "I want to go home. Let me go home. I don't want to be here. Let me go home." Now, I'm not completely irresponsible. I am not allergic to any danger point. Hives and itching and such. No anaphylaxis. But I did it to harp. To get them to stop. To make my attention known. My point? I understand your deliberate/undeliberate illness attention. By all means necessary, right?

Masq wrote:l am always keen to be NICE, for people to think l am NICE, to be seen to be terribly altruistic and caring. Politeness is terribly important to me, even on this forum, and l hate to see people argue here, although there have been occassions in the past when l have shocked people with the level of my anger, which they have not seen before. l do genuinely care about people and about issues but l do wonder if it is also a means of seeking approval, of being APPEASING to others.

Everyone thinks I'm nice. See above bullet point 1 for my appeasing. While I can argue with people and stand up, in the end in person, I am backing down. I am making sure everything is smoothed over. A whole bunch of, "Hey! We have different opinions. It happens. That doesn't mean you hate me, right? Right?! RIGHT?!?!"

Masq wrote: l am very concerned about the impression l am making, and will spend hours looking in the mirror or at photographs of myself, or watching myself on video - not so much from vanity, it is more like an obsession about the way l appear to others. Do any other HPDs on here find that they do the same?

My digital camera has almost 500 pictures on it from the last few years. The only common theme in them, me. I have a ton of photos of just me. But I'm not vain so much as I'm looking for flaws to pick at to keep me down. Its not, "I'm lookin for flaws cuz there ain't none!!!!".

Masq wrote: l am constantly worrying about the impression l am making and l try to make sure that it is always a favourable impression. l know that l might seem to be sugary sometimes and would love to be more real and more authentic, but because l am uncertain as to who the REAL me is, l don't know how to do this. l always seem to be playing a role as it gives me a sense of identification, which l lack. l believe that in lots of ways people like Alice have moved forward to a much greater extent than me because they can be REAL and express anger and a whole host of other emotions and let those emotions come across even in the written word. l find it difficult to do that and will intellectualise my feelings or describe them in a very matter of fact way. l can't express them in a way that is authentic and it bothers me.

Alice has done well to let her anger show, but being matter of fact isn't a bad thing. Or at least, I hope not as I'm very matter of fact. I think it's more about personality style within your PD. If you feel you aren't being authentic though, I could see where it would bother you. Do you ever find yourself typing mad, but then your appeasing side kicks in and you delete it? Or do you never even get that far?

Masq wrote:Have any other HPDs on here ever modelled themselves on a person they admire, taking on their mannerisms, voice patterns and even attitudes?

All.the.time. People, books, anything. If I find a style I like, it is mine.

Masq wrote: l have done that throughout my life, and this is why l call myself Masquerade for l wear a mask.

That's extremely insightful. Wow.

Masq wrote:My choice of career as a beautician is really all about the wearing of a mask, a mask of make up, and l wear make up every day without fail, not just because of my work or even to look good, but because without my mask l feel bland and invisible. l am certainly not ugly and l don't have issues about the way l look - the reason why l wear make up goes much deeper than that. l need it to feel complete. l have a very distinctive and funky hair style that makes me stand out and it draws attention to me. lf my hair is bland and ordinary l feel like l do not exist. l dress very individually too and hate bland and boring clothes. lf l have to wear them l feel non existant.

That's really interesting! I am so not the same, but thats what makes us all different. I don't think I'm bland, but I dress very... pretty, depending on my mood. Hair long, straight and blonde, blue eyes, nice jeans, heels.

Masq wrote:What is it about me that is so caught up in creating impressions? My entire existance is bound up in the impressions that l make and the impressions others make upon me. l do not know who l am beneath all the labels, and this disorder has in a way become just another label to define me. lt has given me a definition and in a way become a bit of an obsession for me. l am working hard on my recovery, but wonder what l would be without the label of my disorder to hide behind. My therapist has said that the dramatic personality that l have, when it is not pathalogical, is a good one to have, and l am proud of this type of personality style, for it is colourful and cheerful, but l must admit that there is a part of me that is scared to lose the disorder, for then what would l have left?

I sometimes wonder why I want my actual diagnosis so badly and then I think that I want it for the reasons you described. I am not normal (as we've all seen). So, what am I? I am lost. Like I have no place. I want to be normal; even if it's normal for an abnormal condition.

You, Masq, have a place! And even though it has a label, the only label you truly have is the one you attach. You know you are a good person, you feel like a good person. You maybe don't make good choices but even the non's can do that.

Masq wrote:l am scared of invisibility for l was not seen as a child. This hurts me.

l wish l could talk in some REAL depth about my pain and my insecurity on this forum but a lifetime of putting on a brave face, of not really facing up to issues, of acknowledging deeply felt buried pain, makes it really difficult to do so.

It is hard. But you are not invisible, especially here.

Masq wrote: lt is much more comfortable to have rapidly shifting shallow emotions and putting my emotions away in a box, to worry about them tomorrow like Scarlett O'Hara. lt is easier to slip into the mask of the pleasant, friendly, jocular, dizzy, wacky, arty, pleasant, polite Masquerade and wear that label. l really do not know the person who lies beneath.

Comfortable. That is exactly what it is. That is exactly what you need to break. Be a fvckin' biitch, Masq! If you are angry, tell someone. Feel belittled or attacked? Yell. Try it out here. You won't have my approval until you do so.

Masq wrote:l find comfort from this forum for l know that there are others like me, who are going through their struggles like l am, but in some ways l envy the ones who are able to express their hurt and pain in real ways. l can't do that. l am empty inside if the truth be known. l am cold and empty. l am aware that l do not have empathy and that deep down inside any caring that l have for other people is sentimental and gushing and not really felt on a deep level. l get quite moved by some of these posts and l am sincere when l post replies but when l pack away my lap top it is a case of out of sight out of mind. My dealings with my friends are similar. When l put the phone down after a conversation with someone who is hurting l put them out of my mind.

Yep and yep. Welcome to the sociopath side. We have cookies! Kidding, of course... we have brownies

Out of sight out of mind is a really good way to put it. I am the same. It doesn't even exist in my world anymore until someone mentions it and I snap back to remembering.

Masq wrote:l have posted here about love and altruism and how we all need to learn to be more loving and l mean that on an intellectual level and l really would like to be that way, but emotionally it is difficult for me to put that into any kind of practice that really means anything. Everyone around me describes me as caring, but it is a front, it is a way of acting that gets me approval and this is the first time in my life that l have been honest enough to acknowledge this. l am not a bad person, for l do not consciously try to harm anyone, but l suppose that l do inadvertantly harm people by not really being available to them, by not really being able to feel for them, by not really connecting with them. l am empty inside. l wish l could FEEL remorse for this, but l can't. l can acknowledge it all intellectually but not emotionally. l want to be able to feel sad about this but l don't. Any sadness that l feel, ever, is a sadness borne out of selfishness. l recognise that l must be narcissistic too and would like to be able to say that this bothers me but it doesn't. Not really.

The underlined is me to a T. I once tried to explain this as selfish empath. That in order to display pretend empathy I had to be selfish and think of it in terms of only happening to me. You also have guilt about not having remorse. My therapist is always referring back to that about me. I wish I could feel bad but I just, freakin', don't! I know how I should feel, I just DONT.

Masq wrote:This is probably the most honest post l have ever written and l know that it is a good sign that l am beginning to recognise these aspects of myself, and it could be a sign that l am recovering but l cannot recover until l know who l really am and l don't. MY CONCEPT OF MYSELF DOES NOT EXIST.

You've done really, really well here. I know you might not see it, but wow Masq.

Ya know, you've come longer than you think. In order to find one's self, you first needed to separate from "being" everyone else! You were a pish posh of everyone all lumped in to one. And look at you! You dissected yourself and even though you've not quite got something to fill it with, you now have the ability TO fill it. It's no longer consumed by everyone else. You can be you and you will figure out who that is.

Masq wrote: I HAVE NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOVED PROPERLY AS A CHILD and so l don't know what love really is.

Me either. I am lost with you on the tools to fill this. But hopefully our therapists can find a way to help because we will never fill those voids. At least I know I won't. How could I cognitively know nothing is changed but make myself feel different? I can't. My husband's love will never be enough. It will never be unconditional enough to make me believe he loves me.

Masq wrote:l am glad l have been heard and l would love to have some feed back. l feel close to the people on the board who l don't even know - maybe l am seeing intimacy here where there is none like the HPD that l am, but we have all shared our innermost thoughts and feelings here. l can't talk to anyone like this, except for my therapist and l actually feel closer to a whole bunch of strangers than l do to anyone in my life at the moment.

I'm really glad you're here, too. It's amazing how being able to open up feels with out worrying about letting someone down or if they'll like you enough or if anything! You are here, we are here.

And now for your hugs I promised earlier...

(((((((((((MASQ))))))))))))

Masquerade, it is like you were inside my head when you wrote that.
To answer the questions you asked throughout I can simply say:

Yes.

Masquerade,

First off that was a fantastic post. Honest, very well written - bound to have "eternal value" here. Thanks!!!

Wanted to respond to one area in specific.

To be even more honest, my entire world revolves around ME. l love my children and my husband. l would lay down my life for my kids but that is as far as it goes. Even the love that l feel for my husband is borne out of NEED. l NEED him to pamper me, to indulge me, to hold me, and l in turn pamper, indulge and hold him. Our sex life is amazing. However, if he were to stop loving me or expressing his love for me in this manner, l would feel pain BUT ONLY FOR AS LONG AS IT TOOK TO FIND A REPLACEMENT. l know he is not reading these words for he has given me his word that the forum is my private place to vent and to express. l want to learn how to love him properly, l really do, and l am learning. l am learning that love is not all about attention and he is patiently showing me how to love properly, but I HAVE NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING LOVED PROPERLY AS A CHILD and so l don't know what love really is. These words about my husband may shock, and l apologize to the nons here who have been reading my story who have seen a glimmer of hope that the disorder can be treated. l feel as if l am disillusioning them by admitting how l really feel. l did not realize the extent of how l really feel till l wrote this post.

Non's being "disillusioned" can only be a good thing. We operate with a massive hope but also in absolute reality here. What better place to begin than right where we are; in reality? What better way to map out a plan from here,than with massive hope, that is simultaneously free from disillusion?

I'd like to lay down a challenge to all Non's to let Masquerade know, as best you can describe, how you love to be loved? Of course an absolutely red hot sex life is a huge corner stone, but that's apparently just not an issue here. Lets collectively send Masquerade's husband the best Christmas gift a Non has ever received! We want that guy so immensely loved that he glows enough that Masquerade will know she did it, and feel ultra good about all her efforts. Lets make it 100% positive, concrete and active (do this, vs. don't do this). This is how to love a man 101. Just for a minute fantasize you are this guy, here is this beautiful women, who loves sex, who you love deeply, who totally turns you on in every way, who's made mistakes in the past but you have 100% forgiven her, she's now 100% loyal, she's going to therapy and working her butt off pushing back HPD, she's under the Christmas tree provocatively dressed, with a Christmas bow on her, a gift just for you, looking like an angel from above - OK boys, what kind of real love do you crave from her? How could she help make you totally glow so much she would see it? This should be fun!

OK I’ll start the ball rolling here with one small thing I truly love. If you go to the beach with small children you will notice that virtually all mothers instinctively keep an eye out for their children. Are they safe? Too near the deep water? Have sunscreen on? Not in the proximity of someone who might do them harm? Are they upset? Frustrated? Are they well socialized in? Included? Are they having fun? It never ceases to amaze me how most women do this (periodically checking-in on the kids, instantly assessing the situation) while simultaneously having a deep conversation, doing other productive things etc. To a “one-thing-at-a-time” man I find this capability truly magic!

For me, when I’m home, or when we are out together, I love to be included just like I was a kid on the checking-in rotation schedule. I love knowing someone cares for me, is looking out for me, desires me to be happy. The vast majority of time I’m totally fine, don’t need anything more than knowing I’m included on the “checked-in on rotation. As an adult, most of the time. I’m 100% self sufficient, I should only need a tiny fraction of the attention and effort the kids need. I’m fine, humming along independently. Yet, on occasion, I’m no better than a kid, and truly love being noticed as “needy” then attended to. So when you check in on me don’t ignore me if I legitimately need to connect with you. Be ready to stop what you are doing and attend.

That “security” just feels wonderful! I’m important to you. You are responsive to me. Yes it may be “childish” in some ways however I can assure you, that type of “female nurturing” attention makes me feel great! When I know its 100% there for me, always there in the background, it actually makes me less needy!

Oh...and if you catch me in rapt attention on some trivial project, obsessing over something, or just in general too balled up in myself come over, smile and kiss me randomly with a friendly twinkle in your eyes. That reminds me not to take life so seriously, be thankful for all I have (especially you!), de-stress, and make time for having some fun!

How my lady in my life loves me:

She sees my imperfections and embraces them.
She supports me in my efforts to be a better me and catches me if I fail
She gives me my space, to be me.
She shows me her nuturing side, so she lets me love her.
She is loyal to me.
She changed my electric tooth brush head the other day, without me asking.
I love the little things she does for me, that show she cares.
She let's me be who I am.
She let's me dream and thus dream together.
If we are quite, I still feel her love.
When we talk, she listens.
When we make love we are one
When we have sex, we have fun.
She is open to my ideas and tries new things sometimes, even though she may not want to.
She let's me be myself.
She agrues intelligently, and willing to forgive me.
She let's me love her, and knows I do to.
She trusts me, with mutual understanding.
She has her life, and let's me have mine, but together we are growing as one, together, but apart.
She makes me laugh, at some of the things I do. She keeps me grounded.
She is happy, most of the time! lol
She shares her secrets and deepest thoughts with me.

I could go on, but it is the little things that count the most. The little things she does, that I really don't expect, that make me feel loved. I know she is thinking of me.

Like having my warm pajamas ready on the bed, before we go to sleep. Who could ever go to bed angry with that. Not that they stay on that long, but it is the thought that counts! lol

Ok, I want her now! lol

THANK YOU NORMAJEAN, SANSTARS AND WISDOM!!! To normajean and sanstars, you have both expressed real empathy towards me and an understanding that a person who does not have this disorder could ever have. l will never forget your words of encouragement. l stayed up late last night writing those words and just feeling totally numb and matter of fact about it all. Today when l read them l cried, l really did, you know the type of tears that are not sad or painful, but moving. l like those tears because they remind me that inside of me l have a soul, the innermost part of me that l am trying to reach, the part of me that l hide with my masks. When l feel those types of tears l know l am feeling with the healthy part of me, the part of me l am trying to bring to the fore and nurture. The fact that you reached out and connected to me shows the real healthy parts of you that are the essential parts of you, your souls. There is hope for us!!!! THERE IS HOPE FOR US!!!!! This is the best Christmas gift of all. WE ALL HAVE HOPE.

And Wisdom, thank you again. For you to spend so much time on this forum, always offering words of knowledge and wisdom, explaining things from an experts point of view in a way that is both academic and empathic, with no reward other than to know that you are helping people is truly amazing. l suspect that you are in fact an eminent psychiatrist or psychologist and l may be wrong on this, but the fact that you are sharing your knowledge in a way that helps people is truly altruistic. That in itself is inspiring. Thank you, not just from me, but from all the other histrionics here.

When you mention love and the ways l can show my husband that he is loved, l can say that l do these things - letting him know that l think of him, showing concern for him etc. This comes easily to him, but the type of love l feel for him, or have felt for any other man, is very much a case of "out of sight out of mind". My husband's job takes him all over the country, which suits me because l do not handle intimacy well. lt means that when he returns home we have a honeymoon all over again, but l am not too good on the day to day mundane level, which fortunately never happens as he is away again before that can happen. He could have remained in the local offices, but he chose not to, and l think it is partly because he cannot cope with the demands of my illness on a day to day basis. When he is gone l do miss him, and sometimes get it into my head that he may be cheating - l am projecting my own standards onto him. As l have recovered a bit this paranoia is disappearing, for that is what it is, paranoia. l know enough about men to know that they vote with their feet and that he is with me because he CHOOSES to be. l would love to hear things from the nons perspective, about how they percieve love. ln the past l have been badly hurt by men who were probably narcissitic - and judged ALL men as being empty, selfish, cheats, deceitful with no real concept of love. My husband and reading about how normal men think and feel on this forum has taught me otherwise. l am learning that men have just the same hang ups and insecurities as women, and that apart from anatomy and certain areas of cognition, they are not really that different from women. We all belong to the same species, humanity, after all !!

l saw my therapist today. My therapist has said that normality and disorder exist on a continum, that there is no real definite distinction between pathology and normality, that there are shades of grey in between and that pathology and normality are all parts of the human condition. She has said that pathology arises as a result of a REACTION to either a stressor or a physical condition in the brain, and that the various reactions or disorders that arise as a result, HPD being one of then, are NORMAL responses of the brain to abnormal circumstances or abnormal conditions. She said that the ways they manifest will vary from person to person according to their own individual circumstances. She did say that all of our brains are not really so dis similar, in the same way that all of the workings of our bodies are not so dis similar and that pathology is a normal part of the human condition. This helped me to put my illness into perspective and gave me hope for successfull treatment. She suggested that l put this to the nons out there - that there is no black or white, there are shades of grey in between. All l have to do is to slide along a bit from the black to the grey in the middle. We ALL have degrees of pathology and to move along to the middle way is the nearest any of us can get to "normal".

Anyway, you guys and my therapist have really helped me to find a perspective. l would love to hear from the nons perspective what love means to them. My husband is going to BE ONE LUCKY GUY this Christmas, but l won't share what we do as it will make you BLUSH !!!!!!!!!

Thank you, confused and hurt.

Hey I won't blush! lol

Please do tell. I might want something like that for x-mas too! lol

A lady never tells!!!!!!!!! Then again l am no lady lol