In desparate need of advice

Hi there, I'm afraid I haven't made an introduction as yet, but I really need to share a problem. I'm hoping someone could point me in the right direction. The problem is my partner. We have been together for over two years, although we have known each other longer.

I am afraid this may be a long post, although I will try to summarise as much as possible, although it will be wuite in depth.

When we first met it was online. We were both members of a site dealing with anxiety disorders, and got rather close quite quickly, although it was almost a whole year before we met each other in person. Looking back there were a great deal of problems in our original relationship, which was often due to her if I'm honest. She kept going hot and cold, and seemed to have a need for attention (she often chatted up men online before we met, and also when we first started talking). I later discovered she was still with (and living with) her ex during this entire time too - in the sense of a relationship.

She would often lie with stories to impress me about herself, in fact to one mutual friend she confided she had told me so many lies she couldn't remember what they were. This has mostly stopped ever since we got together although she still does lie, mostly about trivial things but I suspect that is because I know her and her life too well, although this is speculation on my part.

Anyway, we now live together and have an 8 month old son. Since the birth she has apparently been 'numb' towards me, and she couldn't understand why. She believed it may be because despite all efforts I could not get to the birth, and did not see her until 2 days after, or maybe because she had a traumatic birthing experience.

However this doesn't sit quite right with me, as many of her behaviours are exactly the same as before she had our son, in fact during the entire time I've known her she has been this way. To cut a long story short I shall give some examples:

She has anxiety/agoraphobia and is taking 20mg/d of citalopram. This has helped a fair bit, and she also seemed less despressed - for about a week.

She doesn't do anything most of the day, but sits online almost obsessively checking her messages, especially from a certain girl she has a crush on... to explain this she is bisexual but now believes she is a lesbian. I have spoken to several friends about this - a few who are lesbian, and my mother a staff nurse who also has qualifications in psychology. They believe the same as I do - that she is a bisexual girl who is simply frustrated by having never been intimate with women, and as it is playing on her mind so much she now believes herself to be gay.

On the face of it I'd admit this might appear to be me living in denial, however this has become a running pattern in the way she acts. Put bluntly she ONLY allows her feelings or emotions to dictate her actions and life. She will never do something simply because it has to be done - say housework - but only because she 'feels like it'. In short I suppose she doesn't feel she needs to do anything unless she really wants to do it.

She cannot handle criticism in the slightest, but always assumes that it is a personal insult, as she does if you disagree with her, even about the trivial, and seeks verification from others that her feelings are correct. It is always based on feelings again never thought or logic or evidence, merely feelings. Her moods can change very suddenly in response to things happening around her.

For example now she says she feels nothing towards me, she has suddenly become to hate me. She constantly talks about how she hates being here, how she wishes I would 'let her leave'. When I ask her where she wants to be she simply says alone - which is impossible for her really, as her internet activities suggest. She simply cannot go without human attention.

I should probably give an example of the type of validation/verification of her feelings she seeks. I explained to her people do not just 'become' gay all of a sudden. Lesbians do not tend to fall in love with men or find them sexually attractive or seek attention from men in the form of romantic relationships. She then tells me sex with men has always felt 'awkward' - something I know to be frankly untrue - she has a lot of moments where any intimacy with people in uncomfortable for her and suddenly changes her mood and stops it. Other times she seems wrapped up in it.

However, whilst having this conversation she did what she usually does - gets upset goes silent and cries, and it looks obvious she doesn't really understand what I am explaining. She then went online and messaged this girl, explaining that she think shes a lesbian and I told her she isn't simply because she had slept with men - leaving out the love and intimacy and sexual attraction parts deliberately so that this girl would validate how she feels, telling her many lesbians sleep with men while they are uncertain about their feelings for women to see if they are 'normal' (apologies for the term used, it is not my own).

Now I will explain a little more about her other behaviours. she is agoraphobic but is coping much better on the medication and this allows us to go for walks. I explained to her it is important to keep up the routine. However, despite the lovel weather she enjoys so much we have not been for weeks. Not due to anxiety, but because she 'doesn't want to'. If I asked why not it is almost like talking to a teenager, where I am the teacher - 'why not?' 'Cos not.' 'Ok, but why?' 'Cos not'... this simply goes on and on, before she gets aggressive and says she just doesn't feel like it. She cannot see to control her frustration at all, in fact she seems to be a slave to it, not just sexually, but in anything - living here, she says she's too frustrated by it and just wants to leave. She doesn't take into account anyone elses feelings, where it actually seems like she doesn't care if anyone else has feelings or not. She certainly doesn't seem to be able to understand others' feelings.

Her behaviour if asked anything is very immature - as above like a sulky teenager talking to a teacher. The most that can often be elicited is 'dunno' over and over again. She does not seem to sense the urgency in anything, and almost seems to believe she can do whatever she wants, to hell with other peoples feelings or whether they are put out by her behaviour, and that any consequences do not matter. I would say that really she doesn't think there should be any consequences and she is listening to her feelings, which she assumes can never be wrong.

She gets aggressive in her attitude, but not violent, at small provocations. Say if I suggested a walk outside when she does not want to, she would never respond 'no, it's ok, I don't really feel like it today maybe tomorrow', but instead will be 'moody' and terse and ignore me the first two or three times, and then say 'no I'm not going out' Why not? 'Cos not' and the cycle repeats.

Other than this her eating habits are appalling - mostly biscuits and crisps (I'm not sure if this is an American site, but if so what you call potato chips), when I cook meals she eats hardly any of it. If I ask about this I get terse gruff replies.

She seems almost emotioanlly fragile, but rather than one who would break down in tears (although she does have depressive episodes) she is more likely to play the teenager again and act distant and be short with people for seemingly no reason.

This has impacted our relationship to the point where she desparately wants to leave (at the moment the reason is she believes she is a lesbian, although the reason changes every time she ends our relationship), and hates me, yet she cannot even then seem to bring herself to show me the slightest signs of respect.

I'll admit I do feel angry, as I used savings my grandmother left me in her will to get us the house, moved 75 miles away from everyone and everything I know to be here with her, including having to shuttle furniture in storage a few hundred miles in total to prevent it being thrown away, and do pretty much all I can for her.

One last thing which springs to mid is the way she was behaving until the last few days when I have chosen to sleep downstairs on the sofa. Every time she gets positive attention from this girl online she acts more posotively towards me (last week she told me we should have another baby, that we should enjoy some intimate time, etc) but every time she didn't get this attention, or got negative attention she wanted nothing to do with me!

Whilst I've not explained the above well, it is far far worse living with than I can describe and has impacted my mental health negatively. Far from being a 25 year old woman, mother of a young child, she acts more like a 13 year old rebellious teenager.

Whilst she will tell everyone how miserable I make her, and how bad her life is and unhappy, she cannot seem to grasp the fact that the vast majority of our problems exist solely in her mind, or that when she feels a particular emotion it does not reflect reality. I would say the latter seems the most prominent. If she feels a certain way - as we all do each day - she believes it means something is really wrong, and must be acted on. This usually involves her breaking up with me, only to get back together with me later, or her being completely detatched form me or seeking advice which agrees with her mood from others.

My first thoughts upon reading of tempestuous histrionic personality disorder seemed to match her exactly, but sadly I am a novice when it comes to psychology (I'm actually a molecular cell biologist with hopes of becoming a medical doctor specialising in virology, so while I understand some parts of these problems, I am pretty much a dunce in others).

I would greatly appreciate any feedback anyone here could offer, and am happy to answer any questions where I have not made myself clear - which reading over this again I don't appear to have done particularly well.

Thank you for (a great deal of) your time.

Joel

She sounds like a type of histrionic................. the infantile hpd.

And you were chosen to be her "parent"............while she goes back into childhood............


JMO

Ghostbusters wrote:LIBRARY ADMINISTRATOR walks up to the three.
LIBRARY ADMINISTRATOR I'm Roger Delicore. Are you the men from the university?
PETER introducing them all Yes. I'm Dr. Venkman. Dr. Stantz, Egon.
LIBRARY ADMINISTRATOR Thank you for coming. I hope we can clear this up quickly and quietly.
PETER Let's not rush things. We don't even know what you have yet.
They go to a smaller room. ALICE is lying on a table.
ALICE I don't remember seeing any legs, but it definitely had arms because it reached out for me.
RAY Arms?! I can't wait to get a look at this thing!
PETER Alice, I'm going to ask you a few standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic, mentally incompetent?
ALICE My uncle thought he was St. Jerome.
PETER I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs, stimulants, alcohol?
ALICE No!
PETER No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?
LIBRARY ADMINISTRATOR What has that got to do with it?
PETER Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

Joel,

Above scene is just to throw some comic relief out to you just for a minute. Are we talking raging female hormones (pretty typical around childbirth, despite being bizarre to most males who had no idea what was coming...) or do we have a much, much more serious situation, perhaps even a full personality disorder? I don't mean to make light of this. I'm sure its an exceptionally challenging situation for you - on top of a relatively new committed relationship, and a brand new member of the family, it sounds like momma's chronic unhappiness is really casting an ugly pall on the entire household's peace and harmony.

Would suggest that you get yourself some counseling to keep things together, just in your own head. Chalk it up to a "adjustment reaction" - that would be well justified with a new baby, a distant mate, a mate with substantial depression and substantial anxiety, perhaps more serious psychiatric considerations... That is a lot to carry by yourself!

Remember too, your baby needs 100% 24 by 7 real good loving! That should be priority one and if momma is not up to the task its time to swoop in and apply all your efforts right there. Protect that baby! Most experts think that personality disorders start in the 0-2 age period with the baby not getting what it needs to grow unimpeded to full emotional maturity. That age bracket is critical!

As for your gal, you might take a peek at Borderline Personality Disorder as a slight possibility? http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.c ... /dsmiv.htm In my "gut" I don't feel HPD is correct at all, from what you have posted.l. However that is just a seat of the pants opinion based on very little info and history. To diagnose you need testing, a full history and some quality face time spent with a well trained and deeply experienced therapist.

As for BPD you need 5 or more of the following:

Yes - identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
[heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian? Who am I?]

Yes - affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
labile mood, constant anxiety...
She cannot handle criticism in the slightest
always based on feelings, again never thought or logic or evidence, merely feelings.
moods can change very suddenly in response to things happening around her.
like a sulky teenager talking to a teacher.
She gets aggressive in her attitude...at small provocations.

Yes - a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
she desperately wants to leave...last week she told me we should have another baby, that we should enjoy some intimate time...usually involves her breaking up with me, only to get back together with me later

Perhaps - chronic feelings of emptiness
[probe.]

Perhaps - inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
[Recall and probe the past.]

Perhaps - impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
doesn't do anything most of the day, impulsive texting, self destructive eating, binge eating of chips...

not likely - frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior [however her agoraphobia might be at least related here?]

No data - transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
[any of this strike a bell? Agoraphobia related to stress/anxiety? (like paranoia?). Probe deep for any true dissociative episodes.]

No data - recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
[Probe all past history]

Other Ideas

PTSD? - related to traumatic birth and likely substantial postpartum depression. Preceded by / exasperated by substantial anxiety & agoraphobia (partly medicated).
she does have depressive episodes (making otherwise difficult postpartum depression nearly impossible?)
she been numb to you since birth
reaction formation? - no intercourse 8 months after overly painful / frantic / traumatic first childbirth?

sex abuse?
any intimacy with people is uncomfortable for her and suddenly changes her mood and stops it.

Hang in! Get the oxygen mask on yourself immediately and care for that baby...