Who actually has HPD? (janey, scarlett1939, miss meow? …)

Who actually has (or had) HPD? (janey, scarlett1939, miss meow? …).

Doesn't matter if they are no longer currently posting - would like to read the first person accounts.

Have seen very good posts from janey, scarlett1939 and miss meow - are there others? Would hate to miss any of the great classics.

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I am horrid. Hugely horrid.
I am going to just cry now I feel so bad and really really awful and lost and lonely
it is easier to be cheerful and happy and nobody wants to be around a miserable person so I would much rather smile and be happy it feels much nicer.

masquerade

I feel your pain. This is not easy stuff. However you are far from alone, there are scores of people out there who will listen to your situation and do their best to be helpful. You have a very wide audience here. Many people are paying attention to you and can offer tidbits of help.

I know you have reached out to posters here who themselves are struggling with HPD. Based the very nature of the disorder you probably can’t expect them to offer you much empathy because they suffer a deficit in that area. However reading all their posts will show you what they did/are doing to make their life better, and they serve as wonderful luminaries, helping all behind them get on a path that leads to a better, richer life. I’m very impressed with the courage and perseverance they show. Its inspiring!

The Non’s here have plenty of empathy, but many have been badly wronged by a HPD partner. Just ignore those who can’t get past the pain just yet, they are here to try to understand it, and relieve their suffering. Still you can get a ton of help and “illumination” from them too. Many of the Non’s here have “done their homework” and have applied considerable raw mental talent to honing in on the very essence of this disorder. Much to be learned! Much will be helpful.

>Do you people think I have this disorder?

No one here can diagnose. However, based on reading all your posts I’d say there is unquestioningly an extremely high probability. Here are some things you mentioned that seem to point in that direction

cheating on partners
I need ...someone to love me, but I just get bored
married 3 times
obsessed with how attractive I am, and what people think of me, and how I look or sound
always worked in the beauty industry and spend lots of money on cosmetics…always having to wear make up, even just to go to the shop
Empathy is just a word to me, I only see my point of view
Some people don’t like me because I love attention and I wind them up on purpose but I don’t always know how that makes them feel when I do it.
all the other comments including the family history seem to be highly consistent with HPD

lf I do [have HPD] would be so awful and drastic and soul destroying?

Yes, it is drastic and soul destroying.

“I don't want to die a lonely old woman”

Keep that thought firmly in mind as motivation to put in the real work to change. You can do it!

I cant get therapy but do want to change...I do want to change.
I am going to see if I can get another counselor but don’t hold out that much hope or have faith in them
I have a serious illness and my therapist says I am ok and I know I can’t cope with this.
I am going to see if I can get another counselor but don’t hold out that much hope or have faith in them as my last therapist said to me when l said l thought l had histrionic personality that there was nothing wrong with me and that l was attention seeking for saying that and that l should just go home and think about people who have real problems and real illnesses. She is feminist and thinks that it is not a disorder, and that if men behave that way it is okay, you know double standards and everything. She said it does not exist anymore as an illness that is diagnosed, and that may be true, but I know from my experiences that something is not right. Anyway, if she said I am attention seeking then obviously that is histrionic behavior.

Many counselors have very generalized practices. HPD however is a very narrow area, if you are in a small metro or rural area most practitioners in your area may not have studied it in depth, nor directly treated many patients for it.

If you are opting for palliative care, or bi weekly psychological dialysis (just offloading your crisis de jour on a therapist who holds your hand and says nice, nurturing things to you (while being paid by you or insurance), then a generalist will do fine. You limp through life as best you can, putting out fires and eventually the clock runs out.

However if you are talking about core personality change, really getting after the root of the problem, then you will need to: 1. do most of the work yourself and 2. have an therapist who is an expert in treating personality disorders, who really pushes you for fundamental change.

Having said that, there are some very positive points about your current therapist that I can sort of “read in between the lines” about.

“she” – a very good thing because you are likely to seduce a male counselor. A women is much more likely to call your BS.

“is a feminist” – again very good. Tell me she is a real thinker, writer, detail oriented, somewhat compulsive in her continuous love and somewhat obsessive study of psychology, doesn’t dress very well, doesn’t apply her make up thoughtfully enough, could be much more charming if she just would devote some time to it, but is otherwise an extremely solid, total, soulful, wholistic person… all that could be terrific! You want a gal who is the dead opposite of the “fashion crowd” you report hanging out with, compete, with, and are occasionally jealous of.

[I have a beauty salon…] but I don’t enjoy it any more and want to be an art teacher
I want to be an art teacher
I am really not clever enough, and hate reading lots of books.
I’m not clever enough to study
I am not clever enough to study because that is what my teachers and husband’s always said

I'd very much challenge that you "are not clever enough"! However, major decisions like that require some deep thought and planning. Put the "art school" on the burner for a moment and follow through with the rest of this post, plus "the assignment".

I am like a lost little girl.
Will someone tell me how to get better

No we can’t. It's totally up to you.

I can assure you however that you are not a “lost little girl”. You are just scared of being the opposite.

However, against all good judgment on my part I’ll be very directive giving you an assignment that is likely to earn you the respect and attention of many of the Non’s here, and perhaps help others who follow in your path. I’m not here to rescue you, that you will have to do all on your own. I’m just going to make a suggestion how you might start down that path.

Get ready to go to the library. Take only half the time you would normally to make yourself up and turn out. Wear loose clothing that is ultra comfortable, like you were a slob college student who was in finals week and had to cram. Do not care how you look.

Whatever is the most amount of time you have spent "in solitary confinement" really studying books (at least an hour) double that (at least two hours, more if you can do it.)

Imagine you are the girl you knew in high school who was super bright, a total nerd, and the dead opposite of feminine charming. Become her for a few hours!

Go to the library. Attract zero attention to yourself throughout the entire trip. Imagine you don’t really exist socially, no one really sees you, notices you, you are just there to “commune with knowledge” itself, and to desperately cram for the finals. I’m serious here, do not sit at a community table, find a cubicle that shields you from others. Do not look around. Hide out.

Is your skin crawling yet? Have the ewwww feeling? Feeling like “this is just not me”? Still, fight all that and do it.

read three things at the library

http://web.archive.org/web/200604271212 ... strion.htm
like your life depended on you passing a very rigorous exam of it. Seriously, study that document. Read it three times.

1. First just quick, but every word, all the way through.
2. Second, read slowly and carefully and underline/highlight everything in there that "rings" with you.
3. Third, read it one more time and focus specifically on things you could relate to.

http://www.blatner.com/adam/pdntbk/tchempathy.htm
HPD is in part an empathy deficit, so that’s something you will need to start to address. Since you come from an artist/musician/fashion industry background character acting will not be a big leap. You don't have to actually put on a performance for others, but close you eyes, remember back to when you were a small girl, when you loved to sing and dance and attract attention to yourself, and prep for a solid audience pleasing, virtuoso performance.

However, in this performance you must play a prescribed part. And you must "become" the character. Here is who you will become. Study your character very, very carefully. Become him!
Addicted to a HPD post365925.html#p365925

OK I admit all of that stuff is going to be very foreign, very thinking oriented, very unlike you, not really fun and carefree, and its probably going to generate a ton of fear and anxiety in you. Know that is all normal and all part of it! Just do it.

To be helpful to others and especially yourself, simultaneous to all of the above, keep a journal of all your in depth feelings. Be specific. Sit with your emotions through this and describe them in significant detail. Imagine you are talking very intimately to Scarlett or Janey, and they have no room for half truths or polished up stuff for a general audience, so be very emotive and specific, use as rich and accurate language as you can. Go over it a bit and really try to express yourself. Then try to group together your emotions logically and do your very best to creatively name (and aptly label) your various emotional states. If you can share, post it all back here. In addition to being very helpful to yourself,It will be very helpful to others who struggle. Go ahead, be an exhibitionist about it all.

I guarantee if you follow through you will experience some real heavy-duty stuff. If you get depressed, don't avoid it, journal and expose it (as long as its not too deep or for too long); learn from it.

You can do this!!! Show others the way.

Quick search of posters finds more actual HPD posters here in addition to janey, scarlett1939 and MissMeow:

masquerade - in this topic
nuerhope - Hi. I was recently diagnosed with HPD
fouquet - I am diagnosed having HPD.
diagnosed -just got diagnosed
Lina - psychiatrist in the army diagnosed me as Hpd
mylife – I have been too several therapists myself who have confirmed my anxiety disorder and HPD!
Pygmalion Papillion (prior name Hussy) - I have HPD NPD co morbidity.
d_f_barbour - I was diagnosed 13 years ago Axis I: Major Depression, Axis II: Histrionic Personality Disorder.
trying_hard - I was diagnosed with dependent personality disorder a few years ago, but didnt really understand it
brokensoul - Hi there, I just joined the forum today, recently diagnosed with HPD
I want to heal - I have high HPD and moderated BPD--they were recently diagnosed
sofrance1 - I had all the "symptoms" of HPD and could do nothing to change them. When I was diagnosed and read all the literature it was "wow!"

Thankyou for taking a lot of time and trouble in your reply. That is really kind of you.It is a lot to take in so l am going to digest everything you said and get back to you. l must share something though that happened today. A regular client came into the salon today whose daughter has been causing her a lot of trouble and she told me that her daughter has H.P.D. l pretended that l didnt know what it meant and asked her to explain. Anyway she told me the name of a very good psychotherapist who is an expert. When she had gone and the girls in the salon were busy l went to a private room and booked an appointment for myself.

l will try whatyou suggested but going to the library will be strange. l may even have to go out to buy the clothes as l dont have any like that! Lol

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Masquerade

Sounds like you are quite serious about self-awareness and self-improvement. Plus, you seem willing to put some effort into it. That’s perfect because “personality” is pretty entrenched stuff. You only change it when you accumulate overwhelming evidence there is a better way…otherwise people just revert and fall back on very established habits.

I’m pleased you found the library trip interesting. What strikes me is how extroverted your account of it was. You spoke in advance of not having the correct cloths (need you to try to just not care…), how strange it felt to dress just to just be comfortable, in perhaps grubby “just don’t care” sweats vs. dressing to please others and be noticed in an attractive way. You talked about how odd it felt when you didn’t carefully attend to your hair -- “scraped off your face”; how you quickly encountered a “cute” guy, how things were socially awkward for you (“I stammered …guy [must have] seen me like a geek.] ) and how you then lost that guy’s attention to another female (then sort of countered those feelings with…"I tried hard not to laugh at the silliness of it all”). Even the library itself was personified a bit as “squeaky and quiet”

I felt so self conscious
It felt as if I was playing a false role, and then I thought of the false role I play in every day life
I didn't know who I was anymore

In reality, people with HPD are so bound up in themselves they can’t see/feel/have ample empathy for others. There is a reason they “perform” so nicely for others, it’s covering up an inadequate feeling deep inside. You must push past the inadequate feelings to open yourself to others. Yes, it’s hard.

I didn't know who I was anymore, or even if I cared
I do find it hard to be serious, but it was a bit of a bizarre situation.

Welcome to the world of cognitive dissonance and ultimately, disassociation. Basically your head can’t get around where you were in the past and where you are heading in the future. There is part of you that is very vested in remaining with the past patterns. Yet, as you read more and more on HPD, you may be coming to grips with the reality of all that. So, by all means, expect some huge mental storms here, fallback, a few steps forward and a few back. Do not be timid, just keep pushing through. I like to imagine that cognitive dissonance and disassociation feels just like full-blown psychosis! However, its only temporary and there is really nothing “organic” wrong with your head. Don’t medicate those feelings away. Go into it. Sit with it. Sort through it.

Take a look at this You Tube – watch her face carefully and note her affect(s). Especially note her inner conflict. This girl is playing both parts….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PugKA4546VE

You were asking what the pro’s might use to evaluate HPD. You are going to be disappointed here. There is no easy test for it. These are likely to be entry points only, hunches really for the therapist to follow up with. To get to a DSM diagnosis you would need much more data than 1-2 broad psychological inventories. Otherwise this would be really easy, just give everyone a simple test and with a bright line any PD would just pop right out, totally clear. It just doesn’t work like that.

If they are administered, here are some likely candidates you will encounter.

Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory
Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory

You will not find the test questions on the Internet, as all of the exact details are exceptionally proprietary. Most publishers charge per individual use. Its very expensive to developed these things and test them with a broad enough sample to add some statistical validity. So they can be real moneymakers if they become very popular. (…then they unfortunately tend to stay entrenched.)

However, that being said, with what you have already read on HPD here you can “throw” any such standardized test result totally off with what you already know. Take a look at the post Effective Treatment of HPD and look for the entry where there are a ton of descriptive phrases. Copy those over to Excel or Word and note which ones strike a bell with you. Then go on to the post that follows that to help you through evaluating that – it’s all from Millon (the guy who made the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory. That way you can see exactly how the “big” tests work.

Again, at the risk of being directive with someone that needs to develop self respect, non dependence, and self responsibility, I’m going to offer an additional suggestion. If you really want to get at this, conduct a nice professional clinical interview with yourself and journal up the results. Look at the interview listed here (skip the intro and get to the questions!)
http://www.borderlinedisorders.com/ment ... .php#stipo
Be your own analyst. After you are through, look it all over. Write up the summary for posting here, as much or as little as you want. Consider sharing the results with your therapist.

Speaking of that sort of thing, how’s the journaling and self-reflection going on? We heard quite a bit on the “social” aspects (outward interactions) that were going on for your Library trip, however what would really be great are the thought pattern and mental states that get evoked as you immerse yourself with lots of great knowledge of HPD. Look inside, not outside. What do you see/feel in there?

Always be prepared to disassociate a bit.

Keep up the great work!!!

l started on the journal but it was difficult to really put down on paper how l felt. l didnt know where to begin. l cant say l had a bad childhood and l think l am quite a resilient person. l dont know how in touch with my feelings as l never really look that deeply into them. l think l might have put blockages up. l think l have learned to be cheerful and optimistic and good humoured and sometimes l think it cant be normal to constantlly feel that way. My daughter hit the nail on the head when she said that some of the kids at school had called our family the Waltons and l wondered if we really came across that way - always perfect and happy and idyllic and sweet. My sister said it would be more normal if we screamed and acted out sometimes. She said we are all too nice and l am too hung up on appearances. l like to be pleasing to people and it is the only way l really know how to be.

l know in my head l am NOT happy and that tthere is something very wrong but l cant connect to the feelings and feel a sort of surface emotion of happiness. l hope that makes sense. l know that l can be shallow in my explanations of things and that l cant go into details very easily and that is another symptom of the disorder. l feel as if l am programmed in a different way to people somehow and l can sense it and feel it and so l think l try to compensate and be what people want me to be. l am very good at working that one out. lts like empathy but in reverse in a way.

Are you trained as a therapist as you seem to know a lot about this disorder? l am grateful for your time and trouble by the way.