I Don't Know Where to Start

Really I don't. I still haven't told anyone about my problems, I'm still hollow inside, blah blah I'm still f-d up & know one knows the extent of it. Oh tell someone, oh yeah just get it all out. Hmmm yeah I thought about that, then all the focus will be on me, ohhhhh great!
The one productive thing that's happened is that I found a name for my fanasties: Maladptive Daydreaming Disorder. Although mine are more intense that the la-de-das' of daydreaming, it has a name, I even found a Yahoo! group for us.

Lastnight I got a kick in the stomach, I was doing a quiz on social anxiety or whatever & one of the questions was Do you like to go out & meet new people? (or something along those lines) & one of the answers was Sure! That's called livin'!. Obviouslly, I did not choose that answer, because I must not have a life, or so I felt.

I also bawled tonight - I knew it had been a long time coming - because all I was doing was watching TV & something emotional was on & I teared up a bit, not uncomman for me, but then I just started crying. Something to the effect of my painful void inside exploding.
People who have no problem with socialisng ("socialising" it's such a light word for what I'm missing) have no idea how much I want a friend, friends, maybe a boyfriend. Go to a movie, hang out at home, go shopping. I want it SO BAD. I want to be hugged, to be loved, to hug back, to love back.
Even the people at my ABA group, they're friends, but with them I still can't be myself.
Those are the only, the ONLY people other than my family who I socialise with on my own.
And they all live too far away, at least thirty miles away & I don't have a car & so on....
I want to just walk into my next meeting let's say, and be bright & funny & relaxed, every damn time I go I swear that to myself, this time I'll talk more after meeting, I never have.
There's this awkward wall in the way, this feeling of just wanting to get away from whoever I'm talking to. If I'm in a situation where someone is talking to me I have this instinct to run away, to go somewhere where I can be alone & spend time with my imaginary friends.
You know it's amazing that it took me this long to realise that I'm way beyond shy & that if this were a matter of me getting over my shyness then I would have a looooooong time ago.

Why am I like this? Why? I want the things that most people take for granted, I want it SOOOOOOOO much. But it terrifies me so horribly that it's out of the question.
This paradox hurts, it hurts so much....
I keep having dreams where I am trying to make a friend with a girl who lives close to me, in the dream it feels so good, so right, all I want. But it's only a dream, when I wake up to reality it's all gone & that awkward fear hits me again & reminds me that it's all still here.

Hey Mango.
I think pretty much everyone here feels the same way you do, to a greater or lesser extent.

Sorry to hear you're not feeling too good.
This AvPD thing is a horrid joke, as the only way to overcome our fears is to meet them head on.
Not the easiest thing to do.
Though some on here are trying hard to overcome their fears (ultimate Krang springs to mind).

What's ABA?

ABA is short for Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous, my twelve-step group.

Mango wrote:There's this awkward wall in the way, this feeling of just wanting to get away from whoever I'm talking to. If I'm in a situation where someone is talking to me I have this instinct to run away, to go somewhere where I can be alone & spend time with my imaginary friends.

I can really relate to this. Sometimes I even find myself getting angry at the person for making me uncomfortable.

Moon-calf wrote:I can really relate to this. Sometimes I even find myself getting angry at the person for making me uncomfortable.

Anger is an irrational emotion.

I know, it's like the problem would go away if you just didn't think about it, but of course that's the problem. Making it so aggravating because it's like you're losing to a non-problem. When I meet new people everyone else that I'm with connects with them instantly and it feels like they're all encased in a glass box and I'm on the outside...just a thin wall separating me from them, but I can't even dream of penetrating it.

Cirvante wrote:Anger is an irrational emotion.

I lived the last 5 or so years of my life not getting angry. Or rather, when I would feel that human emotion that was anger, I would stop myself and explain it away. "It wasn't their fault", or "Oh well, it happens". Often I'd blame myself for whatever made me angry, like it's my fault for being insecure.

My therapist is of the opinion that this isn't a healthy way to live. That anger is a valid emotion. I think I'm agreeing with her. We're people. We're not perfectly rational. That's ok. I was holding myself to some unrealistic standard, and shutting myself off emotionally in the process.

Harold5 wrote:I lived the last 5 or so years of my life not getting angry. Or rather, when I would feel that human emotion that was anger, I would stop myself and explain it away. "It wasn't their fault", or "Oh well, it happens". Often I'd blame myself for whatever made me angry, like it's my fault for being insecure.

My therapist is of the opinion that this isn't a healthy way to live. That anger is a valid emotion. I think I'm agreeing with her. We're people. We're not perfectly rational. That's ok. I was holding myself to some unrealistic standard, and shutting myself off emotionally in the process.

Hi, Harold5. What you described is exactly how I've been handling my anger for years. I turn all my anger around on myself and blame myself for everything, even things I had nothing to do with. You and your therapist are right that it's not healthy. How did you learn to handle anger better?

Mango, I hope you are feeling better since this last post. I feel your pain re: the paradox of wanting to be close to people but wanting to flee when you are around people.

Cirvante wrote:Anger is an irrational emotion.

Hey, I'd like to disagree wholeheartedly here and say anger can be perfectly rational - its /effects/ - not thinking straight, getting defensive, leaping to conclusions - are what make us irrational. Anger itself may have a perfectly reasonable foundation.

For example, if you were a poor busker on the streets and a well-dressed young man stole all your money, would it be irrational to be angry? If someone committed a crime or made a mistake at work and blamed it on you, would that be irrational? If someone slighted you at every opportunity? Even if it turns out you were wrong about them slighting you - your understanding of the world may be at fault, but the reasoning behind your anger isn't. Because when people do things to us that make us angry, we perceive a threat from them, and threats are very real (even if our perceptions are sometimes false). If you're stranded out in the bush and someone drinks the entire last bottle of water, you have every reason to be angry. If someone leaves all the electronics on in the house and racks up the bill, you can reasonably be angry for the same reason as the previous example, though it's on a more abstract level.

How about people angry about racism and other forms of discrimination? Political anger? Is their anger irrational? I'd say it takes a LOT of good reasoning to figure out how some people get systematically oppressed, it takes a LOT of figuring out what's objective, what's biased, etc. and weighing arguments for and against, after which it is perfectly reasonable to look at the situation and get angry.

If you believe your anger is irrational - either you understand that it's based on a misunderstanding or prejudice on your part - and if so that's good. But if not.... maybe you should get to the bottom of what's really making you mad. Because when I swallow my anger, it's often for a reason I don't want to talk about or admit, and those things have to be faced.

N-Block wrote:If you believe your anger is irrational - either you understand that it's based on a misunderstanding or prejudice on your part - and if so that's good. But if not.... maybe you should get to the bottom of what's really making you mad. Because when I swallow my anger, it's often for a reason I don't want to talk about or admit, and those things have to be faced.

Anger is an irrational emotion, because getting angry doesn't help you. If someone steals your money you can rage all you want and still not get it back. On the contrary, it takes away your ability to think calmly and reasonably, hindering you from solving the trouble you may be in at that moment. And how many crimes are commited due to anger? How many things are done and said in anger and rage that are regretted afterwards? It really is counterproductive and thus irrational.

And how do you jump to the conclusion that I am angry, when I am saying that anger is irrational?