I Don't Know Where to Start

Oh, no I'm not saying you're angry, I was using "you" in the general abstract sense. I'm sorry if that came off as personal.

But I think anger can help you. In the moment, sometimes - anger can help you get that money back, if you chase them down and get it back. Sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time it doesn't. But I'll tell you what never works. Not getting angry, no matter what people do to you. Everyone loves someone like that. Someone they can treat as a doormat because they won't even get angry on their own behalf. If someone's constant mockery didn't make you angry, you'd never come to face them about it and tell them to back off. You would never establish your boundaries, your rights.

But I'm talking about something bigger than that, too. Beyond just the moment that made you mad.

If you're angry about a friend who got kicked out of home and lives on the streets, maybe you can't help that friend. But that anger may motivate you to do something about the problem, to help others in need. Some people use their righteous anger to set up institutions and try to stop the same thing from happening to other people. Anger can motivate justice being served in the courts too - you wouldn't appeal a case if the outcome didn't make you angry. Without anger, we can't feel we have the right to do what's just - I could go as far as to say it's the crucial emotional basis for justice. (In case anyone says it, yes, justice is subjective, but many morals are still agreed on by most of us and it's better to have /some/ form of justice than total anarchy, right? Because /that's/ when anger would really get out of hand.) Without anger, rights simply can't exist because we have no emotional drive to enforce them.

Misplaced anger can do a lot of harm, yes. But the fact is, we /can't/ stop it from happening by not being angry ourselves. If we suppress our own anger, righteous or not, people who let their anger drive them to do terrible things will only get away with those things more. If there is no one angry at what they are doing, they are /allowed/ to do it again. And the only way to prevent ourselves from acting on misplaced anger is to understand the basis for that anger. We're only human, and we will be angry, so we should use it productively by acting on the anger we feel is justified, and working out anger that isn't. By acting on anger, I don't mean punching someone in the face, I mean speaking to that person, or appealing for change. Unless they stole your money - then by all means, tackle them and take it back if you feel you're up to it - but don't hurt them beyond what's necessary.

So yeah, anger may not always work for that particular event that made you angry, but in the long term I'm saying it's a change-creating fuel. As long as it doesn't get out of hand.

Though I am not religious, the bible makes a distinction between "sinful anger" and "righteous anger." There are situations like you described where anger can be justified and is completely natural, like political wrongs, injustices and so forth. I don't think there is any irrationality in being angry about having an injustice done to you. It's a natural emotional response.

Sometimes I think avoidants are too caught up in suppressing and particularly, displaying emotion. Especially any emotion that could be viewed as "negative" by other people. And maybe we make excuses for ourselves to hide from these emotions because we are scared of them. After all any display of emotion carries a certain amount of ambiguity with it, we may feel like you can never know how someone is going to react to it. They might reject you, insult you, or try to get closer to you. But in the end it's up to the other person, and you can't completely control how they will respond. Sometimes you just have to express yourself and not worry about how someone else is going to react to it. It's up to them, not you. And if you hide the emotion away they can't relate to you.

I know in the past with my parents, I would avoid talking with them any time I felt wronged by them. I would suppress any kind of emotion I felt towards them. But eventually it would just come out anyway. Sometimes days after whatever they did that pissed me off. And they would have no idea why I was suddenly so sad or angry at them, because I kept it inside. It cuts you off from people and makes it more difficult to have a healthy relationship with them.

ShadowTerra wrote:You and your therapist are right that it's not healthy. How did you learn to handle anger better?

I'm still trying to figure it out unfortunately. I don't like being angry. When I was younger I used to get very angry and act out, and I'm kind of ashamed of those days.

N-Block wrote:But I think anger can help you. In the moment, sometimes - anger can help you get that money back, if you chase them down and get it back. Sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time it doesn't. But I'll tell you what never works. Not getting angry, no matter what people do to you. Everyone loves someone like that. Someone they can treat as a doormat because they won't even get angry on their own behalf. If someone's constant mockery didn't make you angry, you'd never come to face them about it and tell them to back off. You would never establish your boundaries, your rights.

I can't agree with you here. Not getting angry doesn't necessarily mean that you automatically let people take advantage of you. You can still defend yourself and your boundaries without getting angry. Though I agree that acting angry can sometimes solve a situation that requires intimidation.

Though, I suppose it doesn't make any sense for me to discuss this anyway, as I am incapable of getting angry.

I think we agree on a lot of points, but we define anger a bit differently. When I say anger, I only mean that point where you feel a cause to be angry - a logical conclusion to some wrong done to you, or to your principles if you're the righteous kind - but what comes after is up to you. Whether you "get angry" or not, I can't believe the emotion isn't there - no human in the world is incapable of anger unless maybe they're some self-control guru - and even then, the anger exists, it's just being dealt with.

pkd wrote:Sometimes I think avoidants are too caught up in suppressing and particularly, displaying emotion. Especially any emotion that could be viewed as "negative" by other people. And maybe we make excuses for ourselves to hide from these emotions because we are scared of them. After all any display of emotion carries a certain amount of ambiguity with it, we may feel like you can never know how someone is going to react to it. They might reject you, insult you, or try to get closer to you. But in the end it's up to the other person, and you can't completely control how they will respond. Sometimes you just have to express yourself and not worry about how someone else is going to react to it. It's up to them, not you. And if you hide the emotion away they can't relate to you.

Soooo very true.

Harold5 wrote:I'm still trying to figure it out unfortunately. I don't like being angry. When I was younger I used to get very angry and act out, and I'm kind of ashamed of those days.

I was like that when I was younger too. I think that contributed to my avoidance, because of the way people reacted to my anger back then. I learned that everyone in the world has a right to be angry except for me. I'm quite passive-aggressive and when my anger does come out, it explodes, destroying all relationships in its path.

I feel like the more I'm around people, the more borderline I become. Unfortunately, I'm seeing a pattern there:
1) Avoidant until meeting people who same "safe"
2) Borderline thinking from phobia of being rejected/abandoned
3) Emotional detonation once I feel I'm being abandoned after all
4) RAGE and much burning of bridges
Then back to being purely avoidant, more or less. Repeat.
Right now I am in step three and trying to talk myself out of step four. Especially because I'm not being abandoned, I'm being paranoid and reading too much into people's (in)action. I know that, but I don't believe it.

It's so funny that this sparked a discussion on anger. I have a ton of it, all supressed.
I posted about it on my blog http://theimaginaryidentity.blogspot.com/2009/11/years-of-supression.html.
I've been doing so much digging & deep down I am a ball of red-hot rage.
It's been showing in the dreams I've been having lately, I dream I am screaming at someone or something because I am so mad. I don't want this to happen, what in God's name do I do with all this anger?

pkd wrote:
Sometimes I think avoidants are too caught up in suppressing and particularly, displaying emotion. Especially any emotion that could be viewed as "negative" by other people. And maybe we make excuses for ourselves to hide from these emotions because we are scared of them. After all any display of emotion carries a certain amount of ambiguity with it, we may feel like you can never know how someone is going to react to it. They might reject you, insult you, or try to get closer to you. But in the end it's up to the other person, and you can't completely control how they will respond. Sometimes you just have to express yourself and not worry about how someone else is going to react to it. It's up to them, not you. And if you hide the emotion away they can't relate to you.

Yes, yes & YES!
I am afraid that one day my anger will burst out of me & I'll end up exploding & hurting people very much. I can't hold it in forever, especially not since I'm using my eating disorder\self-injury to express it anymore.

Mango wrote:Yes, yes & YES!
I am afraid that one day my anger will burst out of me & I'll end up exploding & hurting people very much. I can't hold it in forever, especially not since I'm using my eating disorder\self-injury to express it anymore.

How would you express your anger? Grab an axe and go wild? I guess that would hurt people a little bit.