I want to murder my boyfriend

I am a woman in my mid-20s. I have typically play a submissive role during sexual activities. I enjoy participating in rape fantasies where I am always the victim. No boyfriend has ever felt comfortable enough to actually hurt me physically until now. I have started a relationship not too long ago and he is a very kinky person. He fulfills my fantasies with a lot of enthusiasm and really gets into it even though it's not something he has thought of or delved into himself before. He has a very sweet demeanor and a boyish face, but he can become down-right terrifying. He can transform his big puppy dog eyes into a piercing and soulless gaze of a sociopathic serial killer instantly.

He strikes me very hard anywhere on my body, but usually my face and he is impossibly strong. It's a bizarre experience because I have never been assaulted by another person...not even verbally as far as I can remember. As you can imagine, someone striking me across the face so hard that I feel faint is definitely something new to me.

He enjoys being dominated as well, so he tries to bring that side out of me. It doesn't come out in a way he enjoys though, so I alter my behavior and actions to what would please him. He enjoys being humiliated, but I enjoy the idea of doing things that would result in pain - and not in a sexy way honestly. I am turned on by gore. I have always had an affinity for looking at gory pictures that mostly involve the body being torn apart or broken down to the point where flesh, meat, and bones are exposed, things you would find in a cut of meat at a butcher shop. Upon viewing something like that, I begin to salivate.

Cannibalism is something that I have had an affinity for ever since I was little. I liked seeing characters in cartoons or movies that were being prepared for consumption or just the threat of it. I don't enjoy the idea of cooked human meat however. I liked the idea of a person being eaten by other people while still alive or uncooked as rare meat looks appetizing to me more than cooked meat in general.

I started having quick thoughts of eating my partner when I started doing sexual things with my first real boyfriend at 17. It comes about suddenly when I am kissing their stomach. My mouth being close to their stomach sparks a thought in me, probably from all the nature shows I watch where the predator begins consuming at the under belly of the animal. I am overcome with this feeling of straining against suppressed desire which becomes a high in and of itself.

The desire and fantasy elevated greatly earlier this year when I began having casual sex with a man that had no unusual sexual fantasies. While away from him, I fantasized about taking him to a secluded place, strapping him to a table and cutting away pieces of him and consuming it in front of him while he was conscious. I love the sound of a man screaming, but I am more excited about the idea of him screaming out of horror rather than pain.

My thoughts of violence escalated not too long ago. I have a mood disorder and began taking a low dose of buproprion along with my increasing dose of lamotrigine which transformed me to someone that had very little anxiety, someone that was generally happy, and someone with not much conscience and an excellent liar. I joke that my incessant thoughts of suicide are replaced with incessant thoughts of homicide that are generated with pleasure rather than anger.

I would have fantasies about luring strangers into a situation where they think they will be sexually dominated but otherwise safe, but then I dismantle their body and eat parts of them while they are forced to witness. However, nothing arouses me more than thoughts of dismantling my boyfriend's body. It seems that the more I like someone, the more I want to do horrible things to them. I hold a very good and loving relationship with my boyfriend and we are very good to each other outside of our kinky sex and roleplay. We also have "vanilla" sex in a very loving way which I enjoy greatly and would actually like to have more of.

It's just that sometimes I will look at him whether we are in a sexual scenario or not and imagine things like slicing the corner of his mouth up to his ear, pulling clumps of hair out with scalp attached, crushing his chest with a heavy blunt instrument, exposing his ribs and chewing on the bones, and other gory and violent things such as that. It's still not really about pain either. Him being unconscious during the process is just as exciting. I also fantasize about manipulating him into willingly slicing his skin with a razor and feeding me his blood upon request based on his deep and loving feelings for me. That would be an astronomical action on his part as he has very little tolerance for pain.

This all has been plaguing my mind lately and confusing me. I am an artist and I have been making sketches oh him based off his pictures and creating what I would like to see: cuts, exposed and broken bones, pieces of flesh ripped off, body parts removed. The thought of killing him in this process does not bother me at all, though him dying by other means would be extremely upsetting.

I am making this post in part to unload these thoughts on people as I have not talked to anyone about them and to get some insight and possible explanation about the psychology behind it. I am not a violent person to other living things in general. I'm the kind of person that will free a bug outside rather than kill it. I just become sexually excited about dismantling the body of an attractive man and eating parts of him and it seems the closer I am to a man, the more arousing the thoughts are.

Hi,

Your post has been well pieced-together, which implies that you have a good grasp of the English language (which in turn implies that you are intelligent). Therefore, i'm going to hazard a guess that you are quite aware of the illegal nature that your thoughts would be if they were to become reality. I just have to make this clear, for obvious reasons. it's fair to have thoughts of any nature in your head but obviously we must abide by laws that exist in the world outside of our minds.

You are an artist - you are creative - and your mind 'naturally' sees thigns differently from others. For all intents and purposes, you are more creative than the common person and naturally see beneath the surface of what is out there. You look for different reasons to things and want to explore new avenues to learn more.

i've said this to give you some credit before I now get to the crux of the matter: Your thoughts are disturbing, not common (in my opinion), and it would be advisable that you make an attempt to alter how you look upon males with whom you come into close contact. You have come here to post your thoughts [presumably] because you felt alone with them and wanted to share. However, it is a paraphilia that I have never come across before (which of course doesn't imply that it doesn't exist in others ... ) but it is one that obviously should be relinquished and an attempt made to reduce the intensity/frequency of it.

My apologies if my post offends or upsets you, but the thoughts expressed by you are serious and therefore deserve a serious response.

Good luck
Kevin

First, welcome to the forums.

I've never actually heard of this, and I'm a necrophiliac. However, we are quite the opposite in a sense, I'm not saying you fit into the category of necrophilia, but I'm also attracted to morbidity, however, when it comes to the thought of me actually being with a corpse, that's when my tender side comes out, rather than my dominant side. Sorry if I'm rambling, hope that makes sense.

Thank you for your replies. I am certainly aware that if I were to put my fantasies into fruition, I would be breaking the law and of course be simply inhumane. I do know right from wrong and more often than not am only compelled to follow what is right.

I suppose that my fantasies are a culmination of multiple paraphilias: vorarephilia (hardcore, with a concentration in human cannibalism), vampirism, erotophonophilia, and just a general desire to be psychologically sadistic. I had a thought once while fantasizing about amputating a conscious man's hand and finger myself with it while in front of him to simply be taunting. Sometimes scaring happens on a tiny scale in which I generally give people the creeps. Comical situation: I was hanging out with my boyfriend and his room mate and she had a cheap cat-o-nine tails which had broken easily while we were horsing around and it was left with 3-4 strands on it. She whipped my boyfriend with it and he remarked that it was no longer painful to be struck with. I suggested that she attach thumb tacks to the ends of the remaining strands and they gave me the most creeped-out look. His room mate said that I scare her. Pretty funny. Of course, I do not really scare people in such a way where they don't trust me. I am generally sweet and lovable. I just unnerve many people with my thoughts and comments.

After being overcome with fantasies about eating the man I was having a casual sexual relationship with, I became curious and started reading things about cannibalism. I started to read about famous cannibals and related most to Jeffery Dahmer, so I read more into him. He enjoyed the idea of being so dominant that he didn't want his partners to be conscious to even have a thought about what was occurring. He also had an issue with possession in the sense that he never wanted his lovers to leave him which is why he murdered them and ultimately why he began to eat parts of them. This struck a chord in me because when I was physically or emotionally distant from someone I had very strong feelings for I would imagine keeping them in a coma so that they would stay with me. Dahmer also knew right from wrong and would drink heavily before murdering his victims to lower his inhibitions, and he murdered them by strangling them which is actually one of the more humane ways to kill someone.

It is all something that is kept in my fantasies. I could never do something to someone against their will and I'm not even sure I would have the stomach to actually do all the things I imagine in real life. My boyfriend has shared almost everything about his fetishes including how he feels shame about it because he finds it disgusting and bizarre. I have talked to my boyfriend about my violent fantasies, but it was at a time where it was actually more of a novelty and we will joke about it. He doesn't know that I have a growing lust to kill him and I imagine it's best if he didn't know, haha.

Interesting you mentioned vampirism, I've been a part of my local vampire community for more than 2 years now, so I understand as far as the blood fetish, which I engage in regularly.

I like the idea of someone that I am in a committed relationship feeding me their blood because 1) it's a lifetime supply of at least part of a human being and 2) it shows an immense amount of devotion. Where it becomes shady is that I like the idea of manipulating someone into doing it.

I just do it because it's sacred, you're taking someone else's essence, an amazing bonding and spiritual experience.

Devotion can come in many different forms, such as hugging your partner each day and telling them that you love them, making them breakfast simply because you want to see them smile, etc. If you aren't truly happy in your relationship(s), then leave them and search again. If you do'nt see a future, then do the same... Forgive the expression, but this really might just be a 'phase' that will pass if you do'nt give it too much attention. Just explore it innocently in the sanctity of your mind and let it run its course...

I'm confused. Where did I say that I was unhappy in my relationship? I know it's a bit confusing as I say I want to murder him and all. I think the confusion lies in the fact that I love him and he returns my feelings but I still want to do horrible things to him despite that.

And by "phase" do you mean the violent thoughts I have for him? Because that's a distinct possibility, but as far as our relationship goes, I intend to make it long term.

I know, I was a bit confused myself, wanting to feed from someone's essence is no where near an indication of unhappiness in one's relationship, cuite the opposite...