The emotional side: case study/rant

I was initially hesitant about sharing this, but after reading this thread, I decided to open up.

Background info:
I will be turning 29 next month. I finished my studies abroad earlier this year, but had trouble finding work so I moved back to my hometown with my parents. Luckily, I managed to secure an offer for a job I like, but I can only start 2 months from now (due to the company, not me). So, I've had a lot of time on my hands. Lots and lots of time = too much thinking haha

I am not a pedophile strictly speaking (since that term only refers to attraction to pre-pubescents), but I am sexually attracted to girls post-puberty and beyond (adults). So I guess I am a hebephile (pre-teen to early teens), ephebophile (mid-late teens) and teleiophile (adults).

I can be a friendly person, but I've always had trouble connecting to people on a closer level. I've got some people I can really connect to, but unfortunately for the (romantic) relationship of things, they are male and I'm straight I've had two short romantic relationships, but they never lasted. The first was because I was too immature for a serious one. The second was because we never really clicked - I was just bored of being single for too long, and she was looking for a future husband due to societal pressure - we never had much in common (too much silence between us).

The story (yes now it starts ):
I went on a long roadtrip guided tour with family and some family friends couple of months ago. One of the participants was the 11 year old daughter of one of the family friends. Let's call her X. X is a child genius - the real deal. She goes to a special school for gifted children. Her maturity is several years beyond her physical age. I'm not alone in this opinion - anyone who talks to her says the same thing.

I didn't pay much attention to X at the beginning of the trip but she kept stealing glances at me and then later on started walking/talking with me all the time. Now, I usually don't have much to say to children/young teenagers, but we really hit it off. There is no other kid, or even adult female, that I can talk this much with. We don't even have any interests in common apart from a general love of pop culture. We actually went on rides together (just me and her), hiked ahead of everyone else on the forest stops (it was a guided road tour) and even watched the sunset together on a cruise ship (which was part of the tour).

Now, I am not sexually attracted to X. Granted, she's a pretty girl (but in a cute way). At one point, she randomly lifted her shirt while staring at me (we were both seated at the back of the van most of the trip), but I felt nothing. For me, it was purely an emotional thing. I had never been clicked with any female so well, ever. I can literally talk for hours on end with her. If she were 10 years older, I think we would have started dating. Hell, in that case, I think she would have been the one.

After the trip ended, I took a month's detour to another city to look for a job, but was unsuccessful. I was lucky I had a friend who owned an empty apartment unit and let me stay there for free (by myself). Since I only had one friend in that city (who was working full-time) and not a lot of job vacancies around, I had a lot of free time. So I started speaking to a lot of people online, one of whom was X.

When I first messaged X, I never thought she'd reply, but soon we were messaging each other every day (online). After a couple of weeks, she stopped replying. I was pretty glad to be honest since I didn't think what went on was appropriate - particularly due to my "romantic" feelings towards her. I was however, happy every time she messaged, no matter what the contents were. It was as if she was the only light in my life (things haven't been going very well in life/career the past few years). I got rather upset thinking that, when at long last I finally met a girl who I really clicked with, she turns out to be 11

Anyways, I then went back to my hometown. The pain of not talking to her cast a cloud over me, but I tried to move on with life. However, the stresses/boredom of unemployment and uncertainty about my degree results (I haven't got them yet) slowly weighed me down, so I sent another message to X. She replied, and this time, our messaging went on for months. We even managed to write a short story together. Her messages never fail to bring a smile to my face, and uplift me when I'm down.

In the past 2 weeks, however, our conversations seem to have run out of steam. I think she and I both understand this cannot go on. A couple of hours ago, I deleted all the chat/game apps we used together (yes, multiple!), and will try (for the second time) to move on with life. The trouble is, however, I'm not sure what to move on to.

I don't think we ever know what we are moving on to, honestly. You said that you have friends that you can spend time with; do you have hobbies? How about your new job? Will it be intellectually stimulating? Those are the places I would start. Keep your mind occupied. I was in a relationship that has officially ended today. That is what I am trying to do (keep my mind busy).