paedophile and fine with it

i am a 24 year old male. when i was 12, i reached puberty while attending a k-12 school. up until that point, i had had absolutely no sexual feelings or experiences. but when i reached puberty, i was suddenly overwhelmed by the sheer strength of my sexual responses. talking to a girl tended to cause me to noticeably shake, and i couldn't even look them in the eye. this is unusual enough, as i'd never seen any other students have such a strong response, and i was laughed at for being so nervous. but the really unusual thing was that i felt this strong attraction to female students from every grade in the school. while the junior high classes were in their own part of the school, whenever i went to shared parts of the school such as the library, i felt the same attraction to the girls from the elementary classes as i did to those my own age. this was not a thing i acquired, it was from the first moment. there was simply no distinction in my mind between being attracted to a 12 year old girl from my own class, or a woman in her 20s that i saw on tv or something, or to a 4 or 5 year old girl. the attraction was instant, incredibly strong, and exactly the same no matter the age. i actually didn't think there was anything unusual about it at first, i was a bit distracted by the fact that i was feeling attraction at all, because it was so new and so intense. i never discussed it with anyone, and i did not have friends and did not experience the usual peer pressure to like what the other guys liked. as a result, this never went away. my attraction is still much the same, in both intensity and range. the distinct shapes of the female body attracts me very strongly, and those shapes are noticeable on girls from as soon as they lose their baby fat at 2 or 3, to when they start to sag around the late 30s (some later, a few MUCH later). i have no particular age preference within that range, in fact i have to consciously remind myself of the difference.

i'm perfectly okay with all that. i don't think there's anything wrong with it, and it certainly doesn't make me a danger to anyone, particularly since i find nonconsent to be not only ethically disgusting, but sexually disgusting. none of this is the reason i'm here. unlike most self-described paedophiles i've heard about, i don't have an unhealthy obsession with children or childhood, and i don't even like children most of the time. i'm not missing out on anything, because there is no difference between my attraction to minors and to adults, it's the same attraction to me, so i don't feel like i'm settling for anything by being limited to adult women for actual relationships.

i'm here because i'm constantly afraid for my life. this society currently has a witch-hunt mentality towards paedophiles, based on the completely unjustifiable idea that being attracted to children inclines one to hurt them. it doesn't. i feel no such compulsion. as i said, the idea of doing anything to a girl, of any age, that she does not want done, is one of the most disgusting and off-putting things i can think of. but because people believe such things, i am constantly terrified. for over a decade, i've lived in fear, unable to open up to people. i'm always afraid i'm going to let something slip and end up being dragged through the streets by a pitchfork-wielding mob. i've had almost no friends, and i find it very difficult to have even a brief casual conversation with someone i don't know. i never finished school, and the only work i was able to get was in a store where families shop. this obviously increases my terror tenfold, because every time a young girl walks by, or worse, talks to me, i feel like i'm going to die of sheer terror. my attraction is just as automatic and powerful as it was when i was 12, so the strain of trying to keep it from showing externally causes me actual physical pain. trying to keep my breathing from quickening, trying to will my eyes not to dilate and my face not to flush and sweat, it hurts. it hurts constantly. even when it comes to boys, to whom i feel no attraction whatsoever, i'm so scared that someone would falsely accuse me of being attracted to them, because that would certainly expose me as being attracted to girls, that i feel a strong anxiety around boys as well. i think i'm paedophobic, and i'm sure i suffer from some severe social anxieties. even though, as i said above, i'm capable of enjoying extremely satisfying relationships with adult women, i'm too terrified to have such relationships for fear that they would discover that i'm also attracted to young girls. i feel absolutely hopeless, and the thought of spending the rest of my life in hiding is unbearable. i often think that just coming out publicly and letting someone kill me would be better than living with this pain for the rest of my life.

my sexual attractions, in both their range and intensity (someone on a site like this suggested i might be hypersexual) bring me great joy and do no harm to anyone. but how do i learn to exist in a society that believes people like me are monsters, without that fear depriving me of every valuable experience i could have? is there another way to not live in crippling fear aside from dying?


every other place i've gone to for support and advice about this has made things worse, and i expect nothing different here. but i don't have any other options.


i'm not even sure if i should be posting this here or under social phobia category

Hi Beholder,

It sounds like you are totally out of control of your fear, and it's controlling your life. Does your fear of being exposed as a pedophile prevent you from seeking counselling to deal with the intense worries you have? It seems that you're experiencing a vicious cycle of worrying that you'll "let slip" an indication that you're a pedophile by either saying something or physically responding to children in such a way that your attraction becomes obvious, and then when you are confronted with a situation you perceive as being dangerous you do feel out of control to the point of experiencing pain. Sounds awful! You're caught in a cycle that is very difficult for you to imagine escaping from.

I recommend finding a therapist with whom you feel comfortable talking about these things. The focus should definitely be on your anxiety and not your pedophilia; and I imagine it's difficult for you to trust anyone with your concerns for fear of being reported or exposed. But your alternative is to continue your pattern of avoidance and isolation, and you know already that it's not working (there's also no legal action a therapist could take against you if you admitted to having a paraphilia, at least in the States). Your symptoms sound so intense that I don't know what you can do on your own to break the pattern of fear/panic/pain, but perhaps some other members of the forum will have more helpful suggestions if you absolutely cannot consider therapy at this point.

You might start by trying to think critically about your fear: what exactly are you afraid of "letting slip?" What words or actions do you feel might tip someone else off that you are sexually attracted to children?Have you ever been accused of behaving inappropriately? Could you imagine a situation in which you'd be comfortable sharing your feelings openly with a friend or family member? You attraction to young people doesn't sound exclusive, extreme, or dangerous; rather, it's a piece of a larger picture of your sexuality. I think there are a lot of reasonable people out there could handle the truth about you without overreacting.

Perhaps it might help you if you developed a plan for navigating social situations. First, imagine yourself in a public place, interacting with adults or children or both. Think through the feelings you'd experience in this situation; fear, desire, panic, etc. Try to pinpoint exactly what clues you're getting from your environment that justify your fear; are others looking at you, talking about you, putting you down? Are you feeling suddenly out of control of your responses, thoughts, feelings? Is the panic coming from an expectation of judgement/reaction rather than an expression of those things? Acknowledge that what you experience may not be projected to others as cause for concern; they may see that you're uncomfortable, nervous, etc., but they won't know why. At this point in your imaginings, you can take a step back and think through what you can do to stop the anxiety from hijacking your social experience. The tools for interrupting the anxiety-isolation cycle vary from person to person, but with practice they can help you develop a sense of confidence. This kind of cognitive re-wiring takes a lot of work, and, as I said above, the severity of your fear seems difficult to manage on your own. But this is the kind of approach a cognitive therapist would take with you: identify the situations that cause you to panic and then develop practiced responses to the panic that allow you to shut the process down and regain perspective and control. Your problem isn't pedophilia, but anxiety, and there's lots and lots of help out there for the millions of people who struggle with the same issue.

I hope you find the support you seek here on the forum, and wish you all the best.

Sylvie

i'm terrified of mental health professionals. i've been told that they report paedophiles to the police to avoid getting sued when they "inevitably" offend. i'm in canada, and in a rural area. even if the law was on my side, i don't think that would be good enough.

as for what i'm afraid i'd let slip, obviously the worst thing is erections, which i get at the drop of a hat, to girls of all ages. i wear an athletic cup i modified to keep that from showing. wearing it every day has started to feel like wearing shackles. our society still isn't even okay with adult men getting erections in public from adult women, that's how insanely sex-negative this society is.

i'm also obviously very scared someone will catch me looking at a young girl, which i can't help but do sometimes (sometimes i have to. i work in a store, and kids run around a lot. if i don't keep an eye on them, i could hurt them with a cart or something). but in general, i'm scared that someone will notice how nervous and flushed i get around girls. one time i tripped on the stairs when i saw my boss' young daughter at the top of them. i thought he was going to kill me, but he didn't think anything of it. but one problem i'm having is that my fear is far more visible than my attraction. sometimes i'm so terrified that i'm going to become aroused that i completely forget to become aroused at all, the fear takes over completely. i keep thinking someone will notice that i deliberately avoid children. sometimes when they walk by me too close, i sort of jerk back sharply like you'd expect if i saw a giant spider or something. hell, i could even cover that by telling people, and truthfully, that i'm paedophobic, but even if it wasn't so easy to work out why i'm paedophobic, they're likely to confuse the word with the very thing i'm trying to hide.

i did open up about this to one friend, about a year ago. i'd never even discussed it in an anonymous setting like this before. she is an exceptionally reasonable person, but her first reaction was far from positive. she overcame that eventually, but if it was so hard for the most rational person i've ever known, what's the chance that anyone else could take it? i can't even tell my own father, because i know he couldn't handle it. just the thought of that is unbearable.

so far my plan for social situations is to run and hide. i don't know how to improve on that. the very thing about me that is actually perfectly fine, but which others would respond to so negatively that it causes me severe social anxieties, is the very same thing that prevents me from seeking professional help for those anxieties. there is no way to describe how trapped and hopeless i feel.

When I clicked on this link I thought maybe it was gonna be a pedo-pride thread... but, not really. In your first post you wrote that you find both girls and adult females attractive. You don't feel there's anything wrong with that, however you are having some anguish. You might like to have someone to chit-chat with about these issues, and you have some anxiety sometimes. You're telling yourself you're a bit isolated and lonely, and you're stressing about the anxiety thing... Is that basically what you said so far?

The Beholder wrote:i'm terrified of mental health professionals. i've been told that they report paedophiles to the police to avoid getting sued when they "inevitably" offend.

I don't know?

I heard about someone who discussed his feelings about young girls once with a mental-health professional and she told him something like: 'You're fine and normal, have a nice day'.

Yet someone might reasonably want to avoid mental health professionals for the reason of safety? Also, sometimes these psychology-types are a bit lacking in compassion and deep deep understanding of things.

If you really really want to speak to a mental health professional, maybe you'd be willing to contact B4Uact once you've perused their values and mission?

http://b4uact.org/
http://b4uact.org/contact.htm

i'm in canada, and in a rural area. even if the law was on my side, i don't think that would be good enough.

I was gonna suggest some courses and groups to check out, but if you're in a rural area, maybe self-education online and via YouTube might be more practical...

as for what i'm afraid i'd let slip, obviously the worst thing is erections, which i get at the drop of a hat, to girls of all ages. i wear an athletic cup i modified to keep that from showing. wearing it every day has started to feel like wearing shackles. our society still isn't even okay with adult men getting erections in public from adult women, that's how insanely sex-negative this society is.

I laughed about that cup thing. Good point about the erections in public -- I'd never really thought about that.

i'm also obviously very scared someone will catch me looking at a young girl, which i can't help but do sometimes (sometimes i have to. i work in a store, and kids run around a lot. if i don't keep an eye on them, i could hurt them with a cart or something).

Sure, don't run over kids with carts of course.

I do want to mention about this line however,

"i can't help"

We are in control of our thoughts and feelings just like we are in control of our body actions. The popular language tends to deny responsibility for the internal, and even the external -- however, there is not really any difference. Let's get focused on living with excellence: mindfully: everything we are is completely within our realm of control.

but in general, i'm scared that someone will notice how nervous and flushed i get around girls. one time i tripped on the stairs when i saw my boss' young daughter at the top of them. i thought he was going to kill me, but he didn't think anything of it. but one problem i'm having is that my fear is far more visible than my attraction. sometimes i'm so terrified that i'm going to become aroused that i completely forget to become aroused at all, the fear takes over completely. i keep thinking someone will notice that i deliberately avoid children. sometimes when they walk by me too close, i sort of jerk back sharply like you'd expect if i saw a giant spider or something. hell, i could even cover that by telling people, and truthfully, that i'm paedophobic, but even if it wasn't so easy to work out why i'm paedophobic, they're likely to confuse the word with the very thing i'm trying to hide.

Okay, good; this is the anxiety stuff. Let's look at this.

What is anxiety?

Why do we feel anxiety?

Where does anxiety come from?

Hmm...?

It's probably going to take you a while to educate yourself about this and work it out.

The very shortest answer is: feelings come from thoughts; our feelings are our body's reaction to our thoughts: your thoughts are scaring your body.

To get out of anxiety, or anger or depression, we come back into the now: into the here. Once we are in anxiety-mode we are paying attention to our thinking. A suggestion to get back into the body and into the present is to look at the colors, at the differences in light and shade... What do you hear? Listen. Can you smell anything? How are your feet sitting, is more weight on one foot than the other...? This practice is called "Mindfulness". At first we are wooshed away by our thoughts and feelings, and coming back into the body and the present is lost; but with repeated practice it gets easier and easier to recover our attention and stay in the here and now rather than getting carried away in our thoughts and emotions.

There's no point in me lecturing about this because understanding how we work is not really something that can be explained, rather, it is something that we gain awareness of through practice and experience. I'm just gonna link you a few vids as an invitation about where to look to begin to understand how we work, maybe you'll like these teachers or maybe you won't and you'll find other sources for the information?

Eckhart Tolle
http://youtu.be/0tm3ewYQ7zc

Marshall Rosenberg
http://youtu.be/Bydhuxilg_A

Stuart Schwartz
http://youtu.be/F5Pgs_SZg1w

David Hoffmeister
http://youtu.be/cSdmufSChGs

These speakers are probably going to sound a bit far-out to you at first, and it's not going to make too much sense. Unfortunately our culture is very out-of-touch with how mind works, and has forgotten love and care: you won't hear these things on TV, and very few paid psychologist-types are going to practice like this. Learning takes time; understanding ourselves isn't a a series of facts, it's a living arising awareness and insight: slowly... slowly... no hurry...

i did open up about this to one friend, about a year ago. i'd never even discussed it in an anonymous setting like this before. she is an exceptionally reasonable person, but her first reaction was far from positive. she overcame that eventually, but if it was so hard for the most rational person i've ever known, what's the chance that anyone else could take it? i can't even tell my own father, because i know he couldn't handle it. just the thought of that is unbearable.

That was brave of you to open up with that friend; and also to come here for some information and support. Maybe your father doesn't want to hear about pedo stuff? Some people are going to be quite guarded and defensive both about sexuality issues, especially this one, and also about conversation that is emotionally vulnerable in general. Sometimes we have to be the most sincere and honest and compassionate one around.

You can find some more pedo themed chat-sites by looking in the links section of Tom O'Carroll's blog, "Heretic TOC", they are mostly links about boy-issues, but if you check into those you'll eventually find the girl oriented legal text-based support and discussion sites; (if I link directly or name them the mods will delete that). Due to historical reasons (Greece, etc), "man-boy-love" culture is much more organized and politically advanced than girl-love culture.

so far my plan for social situations is to run and hide. i don't know how to improve on that. the very thing about me that is actually perfectly fine, but which others would respond to so negatively that it causes me severe social anxieties, is the very same thing that prevents me from seeking professional help for those anxieties. there is no way to describe how trapped and hopeless i feel.

One suggestion might be to "be with your feelings". That's called "Mindfulness". Most people are like a pin-ball machine: ding ding ding ding: they instantly react to their feelings and thoughts like a train of box-cars. Just try being with those feelings: observe them, watch them, notice their texture: "What does anxiety feel like?" "What is the sequence and order that the thoughts come in?" Every second longer you can pause observing your thinking and emotions without reacting gives you a bit more insight and awareness of yourself.

"Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between the stimulus and response."
- Rollo May

Hope some of that makes some sense; I'd love to hear what comes up in you on reading my response.

I did some of that mindfulness here and now stuff think it helped a bit, I also get the burning up thing around a girl I'm attracted too then comes the paranoia if they will no you fancy them I'm trying to work on this paranoia stuff

starbright, i tried B4U-ACT. that place is little more than a fetish club. the people there are creepy and deeply in need of psychological help, and were incredibly hostile to me for not sharing their fetish.

the rest of what you said sounded like a load of "the secret" self-help pseudointellectual jibberish. my attraction response is no more in my control than the dilation of my irises during lighting changes, and i'm only slightly more in control of where i glance when i see someone beautiful. these things are automatic, and don't hurt anyone. my fear is also automatic, what i need help with is to figure out how to reduce it.

i honestly think that what i need is a safe environment (as in, with someone who knows about me) where i can be around a child without that fear and sort of develop a tolerence. but i don't have to point out that there isn't much chance of any parent who knows about me letting me be around their child, even if they understand that i don't really like kids, and would never hurt them. even if it was a boy and they know i'm not attracted to boys (though still somewhat anxious around them), they still wouldn't be able to get past the prejudice that i'm dangerous.

Just popping in to identify myself as the Beholder's friend whom he told. I'm here to help answer questions and stuff I guess.

TheBeheld wrote:Just popping in to identify myself as the Beholder's friend whom he told. I'm here to help answer questions and stuff I guess.

That's cool that you're being supportive of your friend. Right on!

The Beholder wrote:starbright, i tried B4U-ACT. that place is little more than a fetish club. the people there are creepy and deeply in need of psychological help, and were incredibly hostile to me for not sharing their fetish.

What do you mean? Is there a B4Uact chat site or something?

By saying you are "not sharing their fethish" you mean that unlike 'them', you haven't found juveniles attractive?

the rest of what you said sounded like a load of "the secret" self-help pseudointellectual jibberish. my attraction response is no more in my control than the dilation of my irises during lighting changes, and i'm only slightly more in control of where i glance when i see someone beautiful. these things are automatic, and don't hurt anyone. my fear is also automatic, what i need help with is to figure out how to reduce it.

Yes yes. I warned you they were "going to sound a bit far-out to you at first, and it's not going to make too much sense". That's called a defensive reaction, includes projection, labeling, judgement: "a load of "the secret" self-help pseudointellectual jibberish". Then followed by some rationalization: "the dilation of my irises during lighting changes"... Don't worry, that's totally normal: ego never wants to die. You've just been exposed to some of the central teachers of the Enlightenment movement, of course you're going to cringe; it's like if a vampire suddenly came upon a healthy garlic salad.

"[P]seudointellectual"? Hmm... Tolle did his post-graduate work at University of London and Cambridge, Marshall Rosenberg did his PhD in clinical psychology at University of Wisconsin–Madison; so there's probably some vestiges of intellectualism still left-over from before they realized intellectualization was beside the point, and usually harmful. Zen is about putting away books and abiding directly in reality; Advaita Vedanta (Hindu enlightenment) translates literally as after the Vedas, so: once've finished with reading books.

Any who, no hurry... once you've had enough with the way of suffering and thought-looping, the path to Enlightenment and the end of suffering will still be there...

i honestly think that what i need is a safe environment

Yeah; a safe space; love cures all. Luckily for you you have that great non-judgmental and compassionate friend who has even it seems registered on psychforums.

_______
EDIT: PS
There's a world of difference between The Secret and the Enlightenment movement. The Secret is about positive affirmation ('I'm tall... People like me...'); whereas Mindfulness is about no-self: stillness of mind, or at least non-attachment to thinking so that we don't so easily fall into believing our thoughts.

starbright, offering me faith-based solutions is the least helpful thing you can do. it's insulting. someone on B4U-ACT already tried the christian version of that. i need evidence-based solutions, not empty words. if you're not willing to help, please stop commenting.