Unwanted intruisive arousals? studies prove they aren't real

Heya,

So there is something i found out about, that made me hopeful.. I used to get aroused by gay stuff during my HOCD and i felt convinced I'm gay during that time.. after my HOCD went away, i feel nothing for guys sexually even or any other interest. However, since my TOCD started, i feel aroused when i try to think myself as a hot woman.. i never used to do this before my TOCD started ! ... i have always wondered if OCD might cause this or at least a big part of this.. now i feel hopeful it might be true..

Here's the first study..
http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/157/6/919.full.pdf+html

This study, and also other places i've visited talking about this same issue, states that anxiety and arousal can co-exist in a way. And that fear, as a stimulant, can boost or cause some intruisive arousals.. they are still intruisive and unwanted.. and definately feels different than "normal" arousals even if they feel "stronger". The studygroup also reported the arousals fading / disappearing in absence of anxiety.

Also this is another link i found..
http://www.raminader.com/PDFs%20Uploade ... oughts.pdf

This study states that...

"Maybe 40% of people describing their sexual obsessions to me also report some level of
accompanying physiological arousal reactions in response to the sexual thoughts. This figure
may be higher as people tend not to report these reactions due to embarrassment and fears
about what they may mean. Physiological reactions can include increased heart rate, a feeling of
being “turned on,” increased lubrication, an erection and at times orgasm. "


Another reasons why intruisive arousals might exist:

Porn habits can cause the sufferer to develop unhealthy and unusual arousals, which fade or even disappear when the brain is rewired away from this habit.

Also.. Intruisive thoughts carry sexual cues (closeness, sex, genitals..) so if you keep thinking about you having sex or when ur looking at dicks, you might get an erection.. but its not necessarily about the thoughts themselves, its what they represent. Some of you might have watched a video about a guy holding a conference for university students (don't remember the name of it right now). He said straight mens sexual cues are usually: vagina, boobs, ass, legs / feet and the penis.. the penis symbolizes sex acts, some are aroused by it itself.. shemale porn is very popular amongst STRAIGHT men.. its not something homosexuals watch.. gay men dont like the female physique sexually even if a woman had a penis.. just like straight men wouldnt like a male bodybuilder but with a p*ssy.. its just a turnoff that way.

So there is hope even for those who experience intruisive arousals and erections.. i feel happy knowing that this might be another kind of anxiety / fear boosted TOCD arousal.. at least much of it!

Hi there Zamyou. Thank you for posting this. I've been having the same images and thoughts for over a week now, but the arousal intensity had dropped dramatically. At the start of the week I would be aroused all day, even during crying. Now, my arousal rate has dropped dramatically, to maybe a few hours a day, and only if I look for it.

A lot of the time I've figured, when I want to be aroused by something, it cannot or will not happen. I look at my boyfriend naked for example. Before all this came along, I'd take any opportunity to touch him, flirt with him, and "try it on" with him. (okay now I am aroused haha!) When I have the thoughts and images that I do, I don't want the arousal, because that makes me think I like what I see, so then a voice comes in.. "You do like what you see, you want this." I don't want to be turned on by the image of me fondling a little girl, and then thinking "well it's okay, they aren't experiencing pain!" In my images, she is acting as if I am not even doing that to her. It's a truly horrifying nightmare, but I think I may have read at least one of the articles you've posted.

I'm not afraid or ashamed to type anything, because it's all going on in my head. I've never ever touched a child inappropriately, and before all this came along, I was never worried that I would. Since this has come along, I am frightened to have a daughter incase I do any of the formentioned. My mind says that I am frightened because there is a risk of getting caught, and that's the only reason I don't want to go through with it.

I have suffered with HOCD, ROCD and now this POCD. The ROCD isn't completely gone yet. I've also got DR at the moment. Everything I touch, I cannot feel. It's like a total numbness.

What makes me worried is that pedophiles justify their actions by making excuses. I've done that with one of the images in my head, but is it me? Or is it really the voice of OCD? Another thing that makes me worried is I've heard stories of people who are pedophiles, but hate themselves, and are suicidal over their condition, and that they cannot accept who they are. I fear that that is who I am.

However, the other week I posted in Paraphillias before I came here. Someone commented back and said "Getting aroused over little children isn't the end of the world." I totally broke at that comment, and it made me hate pedophiles even more, because it's like they want everyone to join part of their sick little world. I don't view pedophiles as human beings. I never have, so if I were one, I'd probably just go kill myself. My mind says it's because "I will never have those things that I desire to have." But I've always desired sex with men. Before I met my boyfriend, we'd Skype, and I'd see his naked body and just have a severe hunger for it. I've never felt that way towards a child, but my mind convinces me otherwise. I hope this really does get better, for everyone. It's a horrible thing to have.

So you feel arousal / intruisive "pleasure" so to speak?
Have you ever managed to get off to this and later feel disgust and huge anxiety and depression?

You sound like a typical POCD sufferer to me and would otherwise be a normal woman if not bcause of the thoughts..

You could call it that, but I think I was so focused on it, that it became more intensified. Now I have the same images, and sometimes different ones, and hardly ever feel aroused at all. It's like I've just gotten used to having the images, and I think I'm so exhausted by the ordeal, that I am too tired to freak out, or be upset or frightened, so I just say "Meh, whatever." Believe me, all intense arousal is unwanted in these situations. I've never masturbated to any of these images, and I've not masturbated no matter how severe the sexual tension. I know I'd probably go off the rails afterwards because then that would be getting off to the images in my head, and I would feel like such a criminal, and like I'd done the crime. I've always waited half an hour after my last image before having sex with my boyfriend, but I still feel horrible after, and I feel as though I was only horny because of all these images and things, so then I felt like I was lying to him, and just using him to get rid of my sexual tension, all the while pushing thoughts and images out of my head, so not fully being able to relax during intimacy with the man I love. Yes, it is extremely difficult, but I am overcoming this day by day.

I can definitely say in relation to my normal arousal, my POCD arousal feels "stronger" but also really, really weird and sick, like something is broadcasting sensations into my body (just to make it clear, I don't believe that, but it's the only way I can describe how alien it feels). It's been really screwing with my head.

It's even gotten to the point where I'm checking during my dreams! I've had a lot of wet dreams lately about women, which is unusual for me, and I chalk it up to my normal habits being screwed up by the anxiety... but the other day I was checking in my dream and, uh, finished. It was really disgusting because I remember even in my dream trying to stop it and being horrified. Sometimes I'm terrified I'm in denial, but no matter how I drunk I get to check, no matter how hard I try to "get into it" (ugh) when I'm checking, I just get so freaking disgusted and stop. I guess the point of this post is just to remind people out there, especially helpmesoscared who seems really tortured by this, that when you're on the outside looking in it's obvious that everyone else has POCD, but when it's you, it feels a lot more complicated. Hang in there.

Jed,

Yeah i know what u mean all these thoughts feel alien to me.. and the arousals are ONLY BAD even though they are sexually arousing.. but i generally noticed that if the anxiety is not present, its an effort to test if i get off to it or aroused.. its like it only feeds on anxiety.. but i never wanted this, not because of societal issues (even tho i feel in deniak sometimes), but rly because i hate these "sensations" and i feel depressed by them and they give me anxiety even if i try to enjoy them forcefully.. it just doesnt feel good at all.. lately ive been getting off to vanilla stuff more effecively, thank god but its hard to focus without intrusions popping up in my head..

helpmesoscared,
If you ever happen to get off to it dont feel alarmed! It means nothing rly first of all people get off to sick $#%^ and dont tell about it.. second, you clearly have OCD and it makes this a whole lot of worse and complicated.. and third, ur testing so that way anything can happen but its never out of enjoyment or self fulfilment.. ur cool, ur straight and not a pedo.. pedophiles dont feel this bad about it, maybe only bcause they cant come out ever.. but thats not what we deal with.. we have OCD and we feel good knowing that..

Zam,

yeah, I know exactly what you mean by checking even when it doesn't bother you. I'll be having a good day, and the images won't be so bothersome anymore, but I'll still consciously think about them more just to make sure they're gone for good. It's like I'm trying to prevent a future spike by playing with fire in the present...

It's bad enough feeling depressed and anxious about your future, and all that. I can handle being a little depressed and struggling in today's society to make a future myself... that's fine. But this? Feeling like you're going to become literally everything you hate and despise in this world? It's too much. It's too, too much.

Thanks Jed, yeah this whole situation is screwing me 6 ways to Sunday. I signed up to this website on Tuesday last week and posted in the Paraphillias forum before coming here. I wish I hadn't because someone posted to me that "getting aroused over children is not the end of the world." I completely broke into floods of tears and felt like killing myself there and then. It also made me hate pedos more than I already did. I watched the X-Files tonight, and there was a guy on there who was a pedo, and he was in an apartment building full of other men just like him. He said about living there, and living around other men who all hate each other, but most of all hate themselves because of their uncontrollable appetite and desires, or something to that effect. Well that really did bloody triggered me and I was left staring into space for the rest of the movie, not able to get that out of my mind. That those people hate themselves for conditions they have, so is it not fair to say that some POCD people really could be pedophiles? I don't know... it's just my own thoughts in my head going around and around, so I don't want others to get panicked by my words. It is just all these questions I have going on. I've spoken about this for over a week, every day. I've stopped functioning. I've cried every day. Even my relationship has started to be on the line because I've been so depressed and isolated myself. I don't think I could ever get off to the stuff in my head. When they pop into my head when my boyfriend is doing things to me, it just puts me off and distracts me so easily.
Here's a tip that I did. The other day I called myself a pedophile out loud. I said "I am a pedophile." It didn't sound right. I then put a picture of myself into my head, (because I cannot look in the mirror) and I said "You are a pedophile" and I burst into heavy tears. I felt like I was bullying myself.

Yeah Jed I hear you man. Becoming something that yourself and the world hates is not my idea of fun either. But you can't just become a pedophile. Apparently you know as early as age 11. Well, I've always been attracted to men my entire teenage life and early adult years.

You know this is becoming so bad that I don't even feel like I'm attracted to my boyfriend at times? I look at men and women in relationships and don't feel how I used to. Say if I am watching a man and woman in bed on a movie. A year ago, yeah sure, that was great, and I loved that, and the association that I have a man to cuddle up to, but now it's like, nothing. It leaves a huge question mark over my head.

That's a been a big issue for me too, wanting to know if it's really POCD vs. denial. I fight it like this...

Why I think it's POCD:
- I'm disturbed by these thoughts on a level deeper than anything else in my entire life. This is the worst thing I've ever experienced, and this is coming AFTER a 3 year bout of depression and loneliness. I'd rather go back to that.
- I went through an identity crisis awhile back where I admitted I was kind of into feminine/twinkish guys, but even in my deepest rut the thought of getting off to kids was horrific and disgusting.
- Sometimes I'd get really depressed about my situation in life and my POCD fears would dissolve like smoke. it felt like the dumbest and silliest thing in the world.
- I've been into girls as long as I can remember. I've been seeing kids in movies since I was old enough to watch movies myself, and except for a handful of what-if moments when I was younger (I used to have bad harm OCD, HOCD, feeling like I'd grow up to be a monster, etc.) the thought of being into kids never crossed my mind.
- I've checked and checked for years on and off, and except for a really weird and strong groinal response that only developed very recently, it never got me off and only managed to disgust me more.
- Sexual violence, sexual abuse, that sort of thing, disturbs me on a very, very profound level. the idea of physically dominating another person for your own sexual pleasure freaks me right the **** out.
- Reading some of the posts in the paraphilia forum only disturb me. there's no "yeah that sounds like me" or feeling like a kindred spirit, except for when they describe the terror and fear of being alone in dealing with this, which I guess I can relate to on some level since I'm so scared I could be one of them.
- I've gotten drunk a lot of times and tried my damndest to get off to the thoughts but it's never worked. It's only when I'm already aroused by my usual fantasies and such that the groinal response kicks in and throws me for a loop. I guess normal, intense arousal followed by the worst thing you can think of will screw anyone up.

Why I think it's pedophilia, or at least a latent attraction:
- The groinal response. That's really it. Everything else, like noticing kids in public more, can be easily explained by the anxiety. I'll even get the groinal response reading these threads sometimes. It's so obviously a strong and really f'ed up anxiety reaction, but god it's so frightening. I used to beat this so easily until the groinal response got kicked into high gear.

It sounds so obvious that this just a runaway anxiety reaction but it feels so terrifying being on the inside. I'm not trying to hijack this thread, I just hope some people can relate to this and maybe get some insight into how irrational a fear this is...

It's cool, I can relate to that. I'm too tired to do a list of my own, but perhaps tomorrow I should do a list. Really the things that make me think it's pedophilia, are the fact that I've justified one of my thoughts, because it doesn't cause physical harm to the child involved, and the other is the groinal response, even though now that is practically non existant. It's been that way today anyway. As each day passes, more relief comes flooding to me. I find if I say it out loud, it's weird, but it works. And, the other day I was kissing my boyfriend on the neck. I imagined doing that to a child and my whole body shuddered and I pulled away instantly. It's just, wrong wrong, ew ew ew. As I said before, pedophiles know at around age 12 or 14. I was into men at that age and wanted a nice big hog. lmao.