Long-distance with N and ex.

I posted this a while back:

This is the most complete story on another forum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romanti ... ost4296197

or

relationship/topic98090.html

Basically, the guy I had been talking to has left me for his ex twice. First he suddenly realized he was still in love because they were on break when we met (I had no idea; we were going to hook up but he said "you're too nice to just do this" and we ended up going on dates before he left) in our home state, so he left for 5 days and they got back together. I now believe he has NPD though, after realizing how he acts and connecting it with his childhood. He sent me a drunken text saying he doesn't love me and is in love with his ex but hides it to not hurt me. Three weeks earlier though, he was telling me how he was in love with me and he visited me after they broke up. He told me he'd stay available for me, yet he'd try to make me jealous. I started developing an anxious attachment to him but didn't tell him, since it would have turned him off. I think eventually he stopped liking "me not being secure of it, which made him doubt us." That's probably why he left his ex.

Now the problem is that he is 700 miles away, and undiagnosed. I'm supposed to visit in 4 days, but I told him I wouldn't to see what he did. Long story short, he told me I couldn't stay with him because it would upset his (now) boyfriend.

What should I do? I just want to help him because I'm a complete empath and know he's going to ruin his life and be so disappointed like he says he always is by not getting treated. I am sure he thought I was being ridiculous about telling him he has NPD. I also can't cancel the flight. He told me maybe he wants someone to fight for him, yet even though he knows I do, he still left me. I'm not sure if he fell for me, since he had said how perfect we were for each other. He didn't apologize after the text either; I had to contact him after days.I told him to tell his friend about the NPD thing, but I don't think he will. He's too proud, and too stubborn.

I just feel like I lost the love of my life to a mental disorder, and I need to at least help him get better. Either that, or I was completely fooled by him. Either way though, I don't care. I just want to know what is best for him from an N's perspective. His subtype would be compensatory, since he'd shut down his feelings for me because he said it hurt wanting to be with me but not being able to see me often enough.

The problem is not with him, it's with you. You are the one who wants to change somebody you think is a narcissist. Narcissists are impossible to change. Any possible change needs to come from within. You need to examine why you care so much about somebody who does not deserve your attention.

The reason why I want to "change" him is because I care about him, and I don't think it's fair that someone who I fell in love with has to suffer so much, even if he hurt me so much. I've been crying all weekend, but the small hope I have for him and I is still there. He marked my heart in a way no person had ever done. He turned me into such a romantic for him. I'm usually the type to let guys chase after me or spoil me, but with him I felt like I didn't mind being romantic and chasing after him. He told me he is usually the chaser, but that he does appreciate being chased.

I'm wondering: will he remember everything he and I did together? I have a bunch of things he gave me, and we exchanged school shirts. He also took the bus ticket from our trip to NYC with him and said he'd keep it in his memory box. I'm wondering though; was that just the narcissist speaking, or was it the guy I fell in love with?


It was all going well, but then I saw things starting to go down like the first time before he "broke up" with me. We were never official because I said I didn't want to put pressure on him or on this, and he said he didn't feel like it should be forced, to which I agreed. However, I was going to visit him because I was meaning to transfer schools to be with him. That's how much I wanted to be with him. I was working on my essay and sent him the final draft so he could see it, but he never actually opened the attachment. I'm just wondering what went wrong, because it all seemed perfect but he quit in in a week, through a drunk text.

He also told me "I know I'm in love with you because...you know how atoms (well, neutrons) can't stay away from each other? I feel like we always become attracted to each other like that." Do you know if he meant it and might even think of me now? Or is he just completely idealized with his ex, who will probably get burned again?

YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE. You have never been in love. You are infatuated with somebody you barely know. Somebody who doesn't care about you. You're a victim, and you are setting yourself up to be hurt.

Why do so many people come to these forums asking questions like this? How can anyone be this careless about their emotional well being? I just don't relate.

Like most people who ask this sort of question, you don't even have any convincing evidence that he is a narcissist. All you know is he lost interest in you. He may be a narcissist, or he may just be a run of the mill jerk. Maybe he has antisocial personality disorder, in which case, he is not suffering at all. Maybe he is a sadist and he thinks your pain is amusing. Maybe he is a stupid kid who has no idea how to end a relationship.

You don't know my feelings, stop trying to act like you do.

I have known the guy for 4 months; we have talked for a lot of the time which we have known each other. I am also studying Psychology, and plan on making Clinical my specialization in the future. I just had never had to deal with this sort of issue before, but thinking of his patterns of behavior, as well as what he thought of himself and others, his lack of tolerance towards people different from him, his exaggerated look at success and what he has, his lack of empathy for "losers," his affinity for wearing what he thinks are the best clothes and wanting all the best thing for him (which he says his mother taught him to do and sometimes chooses), his parents' divorce and emotional abuse, strained relationships, him always trying to fit into society standards even though he's gay, his judgement of my clothes, body (even though I workout), and saying how in a way he has always wanted "a movie script romance" and "a knight in shining armor," his high standards, and fixation with his last name because it's royalty in another country (but doesn't know them) sound like pretty good signs to me. Also, how he went from absolutely loving me to not talking to me and not apologizing for what he did in like a week. I asked him if I should go visit him and he just said "thought you said you'd cancel it." It just went from apparent love and devotion to him not even seeing me as someone he shared his time with and wanted to be with long term. I thought him and I had something ahead of us, but mental illness took him away from me.

He has so many good attributes to him too which I saw and will keep outside of the NPD, but I'm positive he has it.

Yes, I don't know your feelings, but I know it is impossible to love somebody you don't really know. You knew this person for a brief period of time, and you don't understand him on a deep level. How is it possible to love somebody when you have a relationship that lacks depth and mutual respect? You care about him and you are obsessed with him, but I would not describe that as love. Would you? What makes you say you are in love with him? I'm curious.

You say mental illness took him away. What did mental illness take away, exactly? What about this relationship is so worth saving? You must know it would be easier to find a new boyfriend than it would be to cure your previous boyfriend of a very serious personality disorder that is considered impossible to treat. The person you describe sounds like an empty souless human being incapable of love, so what's the point of being so stubborn?

"empty souless human being incapable of love"

He told me almost the exact same thing about himself one day, the "empty" part starting the week when I started seeing things change, and the "incapable of love" like two days before he told me he didn't love me.

I am a very hopeful person, but my more rational side is started to come out again, and the emotions are going away very soon, I hope. I still have that mushy-hearted feeling of empathy for him and his actions, but that's probably more like my problem and not his. I care too much, but maybe I shouldn't and he'll be okay. I just hope he'll be okay with whatever choices in life he decides to make. I sort of almost idolize him, I feel. Yes, even though I didn't know him for too long, but maybe it's because I fell in love with his idealized self or something.I don't know, I'm much too young to know these things right now.

I don't want love anymore; not right now anyway. I think it's better to stay single for a while, let my heart heal, and then see what I do after I'm alright. I'll be fine, as long as I'm not emotional and emotions don't take over my actions. I need to clear my head, but thank you for talking to me; I really needed something like this.

I'll probably cry a lot more and keep remembering sweet memories and thoughts of him, but those associations of thought might fade soon too. I just hope he thinks of me sometimes, if at all. I don't know how NPD works, if they think of you while they are with their partner. Probably after they are done with the whole "realization" that there is no perfection he might start thinking. I'm too hurt for that though, so I probably won't go back.

Again, thank you. And yes, anyone who is reading this or might want to contribute is more than welcome to do so. I always appreciate perspectives.

Edit: You see, just thinking about him in such a romantic way makes me miss him and makes me sad. Maybe I should stop romanticizing the past and just face reality; he's not coming back, and if he does, he's not staying with me for long, or at all.

I don't know how NPD works either. It is different for everyone. I know you want to understand but it is difficult to speculate, and he does not understand himself either. I'm glad I could help, though.

I just want to check the facts.

1. He's a jerk who may even be highly N.
2. You think he's suffering.
3. Because you think he's suffering, and you are an empath, you want to save him.

If I've got that distilled properly, I just want to let you know that is a form of N behaviour. Thinking you are special enough to change someone - especially by loving them more. You're not that special. Not even Jesus can change NPD behviour.

It's your own version of disordered. Because he are two more facts.

1. He may tell you he's suffering but he's not. He's likely hoovering you in for more supply.
2. You can't rescue him. In fact if you try the only peson who'll need rescuing is you.

Sorry to hit you over the head with a frying pan but better that than spending $2K on getting your PTSD treated.

Well, I don't exactly know what his level of N might be- I'd say he's low to mildly N, depending on the person. He doesn't empathize with "losers," a.k.a those of lower social standing than him, although he does sympathize with people of lower socioeconomic status, I think. He's also politically conservative and dresses sort of to impress and make himself feel good (a.k.a loves Abercrombie and expensive clothes). He criticized me on my political views and dress style (which is very unique/eclectic or whatever), yet he seemed to realized he loved me enough for that not to matter (therefore compromising...a.k.a empathizing)? He also dedicated a song for me the week before he stopped talking. The song is basically about someone who would do anything for another person. He said it "fit me," but I didn't completely understand. After the whole thing though, I finally understood that song is more like me telling him how I'd do anything for him. I think his empathy comes and goes but I'm not sure on what to make of it.

Yes, you might be right on how I do have N traits sometimes too, but I feel like every person who feels "special" or like they might change the world someday/somehow (even magical thinking) has these traits, however mild they might be. I am very into myself, so I study Psychology to try and figure out myself. I'm also studying Genetics because I want to contribute something great to humanity, to somehow change what I dislike about it...

But yeah, the main point here (I don't wanna get off topic too much) is that I want to be able to predict his behavior. I was supposed to fly to see him today, but I asked him a few days ago and he said I couldn't stay with him and that it wasn't a good idea because his boyfriend would get upset. If they had a trusting, mature relationship, there wouldn't be any need for mistrust if I meet the ex and act nicely, but he's 20 too and I know 20-year-old tend to be jealous (I usually am not but who isn't?) But yeah, he apologized to me just by saying "whatever the case, I'm sorry" and then said "Because I'm dating ___ again and he would be upset at [me visiting]. Sorry" Very brief and dismissing.

The sad part is that I still have a plane ticket for Thanksgiving, when I was supposed to do my "bigger" visit. I just want to see him happy, so yes, I kind of want to change him, but for his own good. I feel like people stigmatize mental illness so much they refuse to see someone, even when that could be so beneficial for them in the long run. I told him to look into the disorder and he said he read it. Then I asked him what he thought of it and he said "I don't know. I have to do hw now, ttyl" After that, I basically sent him a message telling him how I hope he tells his very close (and older) friend about it, because she can somehow help him, maybe.

How conflicted, right? I get taken advantage of and don't even see it, then still keep going just to prove myself he's right for me. I feel like I always knew he was right for me but it might have been his charms because he seemed so sincerely happy when he told me all those things of love. The goodbye when he went back home was also very emotional; he used to tell me he missed me.

Maybe he did it because he knows he's going to hurt me. He had told me he hid his love for his ex not to hurt me, so maybe he realized he was playing me and had a moment of care for me. Who knows...