Why this lie?

Last month I met with XN to close joint accounts etc. He had been moved out at least a month. The whole time he kept telling me he was not looking for anyone else or on dating sites, whatever. I am like ok but wondering why he is bringing up this topic? The next week I recieved the last statement from our bank account and see that he had signed up and paid for an eharmony account weeks prior. Why would he bring the subject up and tell a big old lie about it? I just don't get it? We are not together and it is obvious I am last weeks chewing gum to him so why would he put any effort into making me think he is not on dating sites?

He is just like me X N was...she would bring up topics out of the blue that had nothing to do with the conversation or situation at hand and just blurt out none sense or something that only a guilty person would say because they think you are thinking just like them and it makes them feel like they are about to get caught. That is why they hate when you tell them you have done things after the fact.

In all reality they have one scrwed up mentality and way of thinking when relating interpsonaly in a relationship or they are trying to cover something. It's the opposite of what a normal person would do i.e. keep quiet about things..instad they will blurt out something to the effect.."btw I'm not a cheater or player" or " I did not sleep with him or her" when you weren't even thinking about asking them those type of quesitons..they just blurt that out..and it means that is exactly what they did. I've learned that such offhanded comments are dead giveaways for what they are doing it's usually the opposite of what they tell you. I guess it's a way to project their guilt to a certain degree to get it of thier chest because they feel they will get caught so they want to be first to deny before you even know the truth.

So instead of getting caught they want to put that out there first, which by the way gives them away on what they are truly up to. A lot of the time when she told me that she was not doing "that thing" she actually was doing the very same thing. I think, deep down someplace, they project and they think that us normals are aware of "ilicit activities" when it actually never even crossed our minds. Out of the blue they will say something about it, because it's all they are thinking about.


It really messes with your mind if you are normal the whole time line of communication is destorted. It's like communicating with a 5 year old who breaks a window and 20 min later goes to mommy or daddy and out of the blue he/she says I din't break any windows and mommy or daddy was not even on that topic or had a clue that a window was broken. This is how screwed up thier logic is . So if you are and adult and another adult is communicating to you this way it will drive you nuts because your aren't expecting a 5 year old communication level but thatof an adult.

It really messes up with your mind I was getting anxiety really bad trying to make snese of it all and realized it's not supposed to make sense to you only to them and this is how they communicate sometimes. It makes you feel like you are loosing your mind and going crazy like in one of those suspese horror films. IF you communicate like a normal person they tell you can t communicate with people..they don't realize that they are the ones with the issuses.

Hope if helps.

Also,

From what I've learned, they are walking pathological liers it comes so naturaly to them its second nature. Sometimes they don't know the diff between the lie and truth that is how blurry the line is for them. It's like talking with a mentaly incapacitated individual that for all intensive purposes dislays no sings of sickness and you are fooled into thinking they are healthy or normal. My X was saying I said things I never said and vice versa it almost made think that I'm going mad and I need to see a shrink!!

A friend of mine who is an N is just like that, lies about everything and has a worped sense of reality. about 50% of what comes out of their mouths is a lie.

Hi fly2far, Your answer makes perfect sense. And yes my XN made me crazy and broke my spirit to say the least with all the lies and gaslighting. It has been three months since the break up and I have schedualed an appt. for therapy. I have never come across a person like this (like I was under his spell) and I don't know how long it will take me to recover. Thank you for your answer because like I said it makes perfect sense. Even after all the time with the N I never got used to or could understand his way of thinking.

To be honest your answers all seem a bit skewed by dislike of your ex N's. If nothing we are rational beings, and lying always serves a purpose. If I had to guess your ex wanted you back and brought it up for that reason. Yeah its a lie, he had a backup plan. I am suprised he didn't already have backups in line after the relationship started to sour. In my mind at the point he lied there was nothing to lose by lying and something to gain so he did it.

(we always make sense, its cold, its not normal, and you may not understand it but there's always a reason for everything we do)

This could be true but I suspect not, since he moved out and I have not heard from him in over a month. This does not sound like a person who wants me back. Not saying you are not right and I thank you for your input as it is hard for me to make sense as to what goes through a narc's mind and why they say/lie the things they do:(

Phoenixrising81704 wrote:(we always make sense, its cold, its not normal, and you may not understand it but there's always a reason for everything we do)

Of course we do... is that not normal? Why would anyone do anything without a reason?

Here's an example. I never understood slow drivers. I drive extremely aggressively. That's because i'm going somewhere, and the faster I get there the better it is. My punctuality is excellent and very important to me.

If there's no reason then there's nothing to do, no?

Smacster wrote:

Phoenixrising81704 wrote:(we always make sense, its cold, its not normal, and you may not understand it but there's always a reason for everything we do)

Of course we do... is that not normal? Why would anyone do anything without a reason?

Here's an example. I never understood slow drivers. I drive extremely aggressively. That's because i'm going somewhere, and the faster I get there the better it is. My punctuality is excellent and very important to me.

If there's no reason then there's nothing to do, no?

Well I can say the driving makes perfect sense since the XN drove like a race car driver because he was never ever late to anything and I mean never! lol Which made a laid back person like me who likes to look at the flowers along the way a nervous wreck..btw I am usualy five min. late to everything. lol

Impossible. Nothing starts until YOU get there, Patricia

lol!! Cute, very cute!