Why this lie?

Your ex may not have been actively seeking a new relationship, just putting him/herself out there which is technically not the same thing. At least to an N's way of thinking. The truth is often in the wording, if you can decipher when the N is talking literally, or figuratively, or whatever. So your N may not have been looking, but wanted to be looked at.

pilgrimage wrote:Last month I met with XN to close joint accounts etc. He had been moved out at least a month. The whole time he kept telling me he was not looking for anyone else or on dating sites, whatever. I am like ok but wondering why he is bringing up this topic? The next week I recieved the last statement from our bank account and see that he had signed up and paid for an eharmony account weeks prior. Why would he bring the subject up and tell a big old lie about it? I just don't get it? We are not together and it is obvious I am last weeks chewing gum to him so why would he put any effort into making me think he is not on dating sites?

1. Because he is a pathological liar and can't help himself.
2. Coz they always do things they say they would never do, or aren't doing.
3. Coz it messes with your head - he knew you'd find that account and he hoped you'd then recontact him to ask him about it, or act like you've caught him out in a lie. This scenario can lead to any number of endings, from him promising to change and you guys dating again, to him becoming angry and abusing you again.
4. Coz it messes with your head and it makes you come to a forum such as this and ask questions about him, which gives him satisfcation that he's successfully messed with your head and he draws NS from it.
5. Because he simply could. No other reason - refer back to number 1 for motivation.
6. To covertly bring your attention to his signing up for a dating agency, possibly to make you feel bad about him "moving on". But this is all a farce and a lie.

I think I've covered about most of it.

Thanks for your reply shivers, and yep I think you covered everything. But since I found out about the eharmony account I have not tried to contact him because I didn't want all the things you mentioned would happen because no doubt they would. I have not heard from him either so no doubt he has moved on, in fact he prob. moved on way before he left me. Such is the life with a NPD. And yes it does mess with one's head to say the least but I doubt he is getting NS from me being on these sites because N sites would be the last thing he would look into because nothing is wrong with him and he is perfect of course...alas.

pilgrimage wrote:but I doubt he is getting NS from me being on these sites because N sites would be the last thing he would look into because nothing is wrong with him

Yeah, I think you're right on this one. I've always maintained that any real narc, worth his/her salt, would never interact on this board, or consider it of any value.