Is my mother narcissistic?

Hello, everyone, thanks for reading.
Little background info : I'm 28 years old, I'm a medical doctor, an only child and I'm a woman. When I was a kid I had a good relationship with my mother but she's always been super strict , though loving and caring.

The problem is that my mother has changed drastically over the years. She's been through rough times and she's become a cold, distant, strict and judgemental person. My relationship with her has clearly deteriorated. I've reached the point in which I analyse my relationship with her and I'm trying to find reasons why I just can't stand talking to her anymore. It feels like we have nothing in common anymore. So after a long research and a long time thinking I've concluded she's a narcissist, though I may be wrong, that is why I need your opinion. Here are some facts about her :

1. Since my childhood, she tends to dislike any of my friends - calling them $luts or saying "You are a f@gh@g" regarding my relationship with my gay male friends - and would always criticize boyfriends or men I was interested into. Whenever I was seeing a man she would be nice at the beginning but then she would say things like "You're always leaving your family behind because of a man , you're desperate to find a man"

2. Whenever she calls me a couch potato or a loser, I remind her that I'm a doctor and that I've studied in one of the best universities , and instead of recognizing that she says "That was only because I paid the best prep school for you"

3. Whenever I do something right, it's because of her genes. When I do something wrong, it's because "I'm just like my father"

4. She's terribly judgemental and she's racist as well, always making remarks such as "Black people are filthy, God forgive me but it's impossible not to say that". Regarding my gay male friends, sometimes she says "No wonder you're single, you're always going out with these f@ggots, no straight man will be interested in you"

5. A few years ago I went through some financial problems and asked if she could help me pay my health insurance. She told me that since I am a doctor I need no medical insurance and that she is no millionaire to help me with everything, and that since when she was young she got no help and had to pay for everything, I should do the same. I told her I wasn't asking her help for anything shallow, that since she had health insurance I had the right to have health insurance as well, but once again she said "If you can't afford it you shouldn't have it"

6. She is always making my grandmother, my father, and my family think that I'm the villain and she's the victim. Sometimes when we argue she calls my father and tell him her version of the story and my father always ends up thinking I did terribly wrong to her and that she's the poor victim of my vile acts.

7. She is addicted to gaslighting nowadays. Whenever I say she's lied about something or that she had promised something and didn't do it later, she says I'm going out of my mind and that I need psycho therapy because I'm imagining things. And now she is making even my grandmother say the same thing.

8. When I was a teenager she would be mad at me because I refused to tell her my email password. She also finds "absurd and unfair" that I won't let her see my bank transactions.

Honestly, I haven't been more disrespected in my life like I am right now by my own mother. She takes me for granted, she doesn't see me as an adult and she thinks I don't have the right to have my own life. I really think she is a narcissist. Do you agree?

Sounds like it.

Seems like she has many of the characteristics---the competitiveness, the jealousy and hurtful, judgmental attitudes common with disordered parents. I can relate to the gaslighting...that's a standard ploy of the abuser. She is clearly toxic.

Given the fact that your mother seems very unstable and unlikely to change, what kind of relationship do you want with her?

Read all you can on narcissistic mothers. Lots of good books out there. Once you have an understanding of what you're dealing with, you can decide on how to proceed.

My advice: Distance yourself and avoid any emotionally-charged topics. Keep your conversations short and bland, and realize that her issues are HERS, not yours. If she can't "behave" and respect you, there isn't much point in investing in the relationship.

I dont see your mother is abad person. she was controlled your life because she wanted the best for you. and now you are asking if she is a narcissistic. My answer is NO. she is not.
she is right to prevent the gay friends and friends thats dont have traditional looking or weird behaviors ,All parents are afraid to have such children. its not ignorance .
and would you leave your family for a guy or a friend? , it's wrong too, your mother and family should always be in the first place.
she raised you . toke care of you and let you study and be a medical doctor. just thank her and dont ###$ around. and get upset because she didnt like your gay friends. or because she said bad about black people. its her right to say anything. and dont make mistakes that make her gaslighting or get angry. and its okay if she thinks you are successful because her genes, its maybe the truth too
and you are woman now and a doctor, you should understand if she refused to give you money, she already did what she had to do for you like a parent. be thankful.
all other things being mad because password or little stuff. these conflicts are every where ,so dont make it a big problem..
you are educated and not akid any more. its your turn to give the favor that she gave you back.


love her and respect her. dont be damned .

-- Mon Dec 22, 2014 5:24 am --

BlueFlower wrote:Sounds like it.

Seems like she has many of the characteristics---the competitiveness, the jealousy and hurtful, judgmental attitudes common with disordered parents. I can relate to the gaslighting...that's a standard ploy of the abuser. She is clearly toxic.

Given the fact that your mother seems very unstable and unlikely to change, what kind of relationship do you want with her?

Read all you can on narcissistic mothers. Lots of good books out there. Once you have an understanding of what you're dealing with, you can decide on how to proceed.

My advice: Distance yourself and avoid any emotionally-charged topics. Keep your conversations short and bland, and realize that her issues are HERS, not yours. If she can't "behave" and respect you, there isn't much point in investing in the relationship.

Seems to me that you even didnt read the topic. you just answered her like if she is really have NPD mother. you should think before answering. you can destroy lifes of your ignorance. be carfull dude of what you are saying to people

jismail wrote:I dont see your mother is abad person. she was controlled your life because she wanted the best for you.

False.

Her mother was NOT acting in the OP's best interest; rather, her own insecurities and issues drive the hateful and manipulative behaviors seen in disordered individuals. Her mother's actions aren't within the realm of "normal" parental concern.

Name calling, lying, invading privacy are abusive behaviors. This type of toxicity ruins relationships. So does not being accountable for your actions and manipulating others.

Jismail, you are right about one thing...the OP is now an educated ADULT and CAN make her own decisions regarding relationships. Would you offer the same advice if the OP was writing about a romantic partner? Would you yourself respect a person that exhibited these hateful and controlling behaviors? I think not.

Advising her to stay in an unhappy relationship with a dysfunctional mother is using guilt and obligation tactics---and it only serves to perpetuate the abuse.

Whether she is or she isn't will not solve the issue. Do you need to change the way your relationship is . Do you want to ? Maybe it is no worth it, too time consuming for you? Let her know how you feel.

I think asking your mom for anything an receiving it automatically like health insurance is narcissistic in itself if it is expected just because the other person has it. We live in a world, where it's get your own.

I think you have to be thankful that she paid your way through a high and very expensive education.

On the friends part, I wish my mom would have criticized my friends and little bit more. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's probably old fashioned and full of prejudice.

I think its admirable that you have a diverse group of friends and you don't reject people based on race\ sexual orientation… Also koodos to you for putting the effort and getting through school.

But I think you can't just expect the things about her to be different if thats how she is. Confront her about it.

Some of your conflicts sound like differences in values and level of open mindedness, perhaps with generational type differences thrown in. Those are not easy to solve, and can call for a little distance . My best friend was gay in my youth, and I know how much that warmth and emotional presence can mean in a friend. Bigots don't understand but you can't change their minds easily.

Other problems between the two of you, like calling you a loser and diminishing your substantial accomplishments, are terrible form. Noone should get to call you a loser for any reason, especially not a parent.

My mother was like yours in some ways. She was very undermining and had her ways of punishing me for `outshining her'. She made sure to humiliate me in front of boyfriends, flirt with them, show them ugly pictures of me etc. I started a veterinary science degree when i was 18, and she bought a house for my other sibling to live while studying, and gave me no fnancial support at all. There were decades of this kind of thing. The undermining/punishing went on for years and her behaviour got worse up until my late 30's. I never knew how to confront it. She gets massively aggressive and denies wrong doing and I couldn't see a way of making the relationship better.

I pretty much cut off from her for 6 years, and any family members who refused to understand.'It was very good for me. I can recommend this if you've been trained to shut up and put up with her behaviour.

I'm back in contact with her because of a death in the family. She's been `nice' but I think its because she's lost all her wealth and she's grooming me to be her aged carer. We haven't fought yet, but she's lied to me multiple times, won't give me my brothers phone number (she wants all the male attention in the family for herself), and now she's trying to rewrite history and `how much she loved me always blah' to avoid dealing with any of the issues. I'm pretty much thinking ti was a bad idea to be back in contact and should back away again.

Anyway even if you'll never get a diagnosis of NPD, just remember you are allowed to have boundaries with abusers. And you are in no way a loser. You save lives and deserve to be proud of what you've accomplished.

Id say yes.

My reasoning is as follows:

1. You are a doctor. What more could a mother hope for in a son or daughter but to be a successful, perservering person. Despite this, she villianizes you to family and friends. A normal mother would be beaming with pride, and would have had no problem helping a hard working girl like you with medical insurance for a temporary period.

My aNmom started getting really bad when i started getting successful.

2. Taking credit for your successes and blaming others for your failures. She should be giving you credit for your sucesses and helping you understand your failures so you can grow as a person.

3. No boundaries. Unless you were under 13, shed have no business knowing your password.

4. Competing with you and your friends sexually. Calling you and your friends #######1 and sluts is no behavior for a mother except in extreme circumstances like if you werent wearing age appropriate clothing.

5. Gaslighting and crazy making.

Yes, almost certainly. Unfortunately, while I'd like to think differently, these are all, or at least some of them are, things I'd be worried about doing to my kids. So I'll probably not have kids for that reason.

I'd go N/C, for your own sake. Until she decides to entirely of her own volition, she won't change. Nothing you can do can change that, which can be both depressing and empowering, in the sense you know you've done everything you can, and now you can move on with your own life. Don't talk to her, and in doing so force her to confront her own mistakes and issues as a person—or continue blaming and raging at you, but at least you won't have to engage.

jismail wrote:I dont see your mother is abad person. she was controlled your life because she wanted the best for you. and now you are asking if she is a narcissistic. My answer is NO. she is not.
she is right to prevent the gay friends and friends thats dont have traditional looking or weird behaviors ,All parents are afraid to have such children. its not ignorance .
and would you leave your family for a guy or a friend? , it's wrong too, your mother and family should always be in the first place.
she raised you . toke care of you and let you study and be a medical doctor. just thank her and dont ###$ around. and get upset because she didnt like your gay friends. or because she said bad about black people. its her right to say anything. and dont make mistakes that make her gaslighting or get angry. and its okay if she thinks you are successful because her genes, its maybe the truth too
and you are woman now and a doctor, you should understand if she refused to give you money, she already did what she had to do for you like a parent. be thankful.
all other things being mad because password or little stuff. these conflicts are every where ,so dont make it a big problem..
you are educated and not akid any more. its your turn to give the favor that she gave you back.


love her and respect her. dont be damned .

-- Mon Dec 22, 2014 5:24 am --

BlueFlower wrote:Sounds like it.

Seems like she has many of the characteristics---the competitiveness, the jealousy and hurtful, judgmental attitudes common with disordered parents. I can relate to the gaslighting...that's a standard ploy of the abuser. She is clearly toxic.

Given the fact that your mother seems very unstable and unlikely to change, what kind of relationship do you want with her?

Read all you can on narcissistic mothers. Lots of good books out there. Once you have an understanding of what you're dealing with, you can decide on how to proceed.

My advice: Distance yourself and avoid any emotionally-charged topics. Keep your conversations short and bland, and realize that her issues are HERS, not yours. If she can't "behave" and respect you, there isn't much point in investing in the relationship.

Seems to me that you even didnt read the topic. you just answered her like if she is really have NPD mother. you should think before answering. you can destroy lifes of your ignorance. be carfull dude of what you are saying to people

I don't think you understood my question or my problem.
I've always told my mother she has a terrible opinion about me and that the image she has built about who I should be is completely inaccurate. When she tried to "protect" me by telling me I shouldn't hang out with my gay male friends I'd always tell her they were very good people and that she shouldn't say that. They have been my friends for 12 years so far and I trust them. She on the other hand only makes terrible comments about them filled with prejudice. She's racist as well. I could never sympathize.

-- Thu Jan 08, 2015 8:04 pm --

BlueFlower wrote:

jismail wrote:I dont see your mother is abad person. she was controlled your life because she wanted the best for you.

False.

Her mother was NOT acting in the OP's best interest; rather, her own insecurities and issues drive the hateful and manipulative behaviors seen in disordered individuals. Her mother's actions aren't within the realm of "normal" parental concern.

Name calling, lying, invading privacy are abusive behaviors. This type of toxicity ruins relationships. So does not being accountable for your actions and manipulating others.

Jismail, you are right about one thing...the OP is now an educated ADULT and CAN make her own decisions regarding relationships. Would you offer the same advice if the OP was writing about a romantic partner? Would you yourself respect a person that exhibited these hateful and controlling behaviors? I think not.

Advising her to stay in an unhappy relationship with a dysfunctional mother is using guilt and obligation tactics---and it only serves to perpetuate the abuse.

Yes she has been abusive. And by the way thank you so much for your helpful words.
She is very controlling. I know she is not a terrible person although she has some terrible traits, such as racism and homophobia. But she wants me to live my life the way SHE wants me to live. She doesn't want to give me independence.

Today I was desperate because I was having some problems at works and I suffer from anxiety (perhaps because I was raised by a narcissistic mother?) and I wanted her to help me and she told me to stop being so childish. I told her I was giving one last chance for her to change her behavior , otherwise I'd never ever share my problems with her again. She told me I was being ungrateful . I went home , driving my car with tears rolling down my face, she didn't even call me to see if I'm okay or not. She just doesn't care.

Vinylvanilla wrote: I wanted her to help me and she told me to stop being so childish. She told me I was being ungrateful . I went home , driving my car with tears rolling down my face, she didn't even call me to see if I'm okay or not.

She just doesn't care.

Your mother lacks empathy which prevents her from relating to your sadness. She doesn't understand anyone else's needs or feelings--only her own. N parents are unable to nurture and love unconditionally; or support you in your time of need. This is why they are so toxic.

Unless you want your heart broken again and again, give up the idea that she will be there to help and support you. She is too self-absorbed to listen to your problems or help you with your issues. Your mother is immature and emotionally incapable of being the parent you deserve.

I'm sorry you are suffering, but the less you expect from your mother, the better you'll be.