Is my mother narcissistic?

Your mothers sounds to me like the typical OLD conversative bigot who is stuck in the past, doesn't have the skills to adapt to a changing society (because even if gay people are evil, they exist, have the right to be and one should shut up and adapt to this - but your mother still has a problem with that) and yes, there seem to be signs of NPD like BlueFlower already said.

The way I see it most people today have NPD at some level, just some more and some less, thus the question "is she a narcissist" is a bit "silly". Of course she is because most people are (I have heard the story that the official criteria for the diagnosis of NPD have changed because else basically everyone would have to be considered sick...), plus she is a bigot conservative (I hope this doesn't offend you) and that is a narcissistic culture (and I'm not a liberal either).

Of course it would be interesting to know WHY specifically your mother or mine or other people who show these signs do; because in all these cases it is a combination of personal history and traits mixing with culture. This would be important to understand as to know who exactly to blame and how much. I too like you suspect I have a mother with NPD or something similar, and I still have no answers as to why she ended up being suck a ###$, but I will never, ever stop posing myself that question. Because in order to protect ourselves from these people, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. The more we know the better it is. Of course you do a good thing in posting here and doing research, as I am doing.

BlueFlower went to the point of the path of action to take for your own survival which is the no contact. I unfortunately live under the same roof with my mother but I have no other hope than practicing the no contact. It is hard, I fall over and over but I am hopeful that those mistakes can teach me once and for all that I DO NOT HAVE TO SPEAK OR ARGUE WITH HER AT ALL. She is simply abnormal. It is very, very hard for me to do so because I'm quite lonely most of the time and I feel the need to speak to someone and my mother would be one of the few I'd speak with if she were normal. And also I'm not antisocial, if I share the house with someone I can't help but speaking to him or her. I can't help but standing upo for myself when needed, communicating directly and effectively, espressing my point of view when I find it legit and so on. But all these that are natural to me and wouldn't be a problem at all with other people, are a huge issue with my mother.

Specifically, she seems to have an extreme HATRED for this very "honest and open" style of mine, as she practices the exact opposite: covertness, secrecy, lack of transparency. manipulativeness. She hates my direct and honest ways and also I just don't seem to able to keep my mouth shut. And that's why we argue. I have no problem in insulting her, I find no fault in calling her for the snake that she is, and the mentally ill person. That's right, I shouted her at her face that she's crazy and that I ######6 hate her, because it's the truth. I don't feel guilty nor I think I should. But doing this is still a problem and I try harder and harder to NOT speak the truth at her face, because she becomes the devil personified and that makes it all even worse.

And then of course, whenever one tries to get help there is always a narcissist/possessed evil person who needs to try to make you think only you are the crazy one. We are victims, period.

I am here to help you if you wish and I confess I need help too because my mother is driving me insane. Can't tell which mother is worse, yours or mine. They both seem very bad and I absolutely do not CONCEIVE this kind of behavior and I don't think I would ever act this way with my own son or daughter in my own right mind. I do not tolerate their behavior, I do not think anyone has the right to emotionally abuse anyone else, and that's what they do. Unfortunately they're free to do so in this world, apparently, and there aren't pertinent institutions that help. Therapists you can't force your mum to listen to aren't enough, there should be more legal protection for victims of subtle emotional abuse.

This is my first post here and was planning to create a dedicated thread, but that would expose the matter to more narcissists who apparently are welcome in this forum - which I find totally foolish - and they just can't help but only create confusion, for that is what these people do - create confusion so they don't have to admit their mistakes. They defend the perpretrators and blame the victim, how nice. That's all they do 24/24. Truth and honesty are their enemy no.1. They obstacle solutions to problems and they do not communicate honestly and clearly, on purpose: that is the nature of personality disorders. If I were a moderator in this forum, I would ban a person at the first sign of NPD or lack of willingness to place responsibility where it OBVIOUSLY belongs, replaced by a will to blame the victim. Banning them would just be the lesser evil, we need discipline in the world. I want nothing to do with people with NPD, I think it's wise to simply AVOID them which is BlueFlower's advice on how to deal with your mother and my own resolve in dealing with mine. And bless him for countering the obviously narcissistic foolishness of the poster who claimed your mother is not a bad person and her behavior is "normal". Please. Stay away from my planet, I am not interested in your LIES. You don't exist to me and never will so don't even think about replying. I'd just ignore you, that's how I deal with crazy and/or unhonest people.

I am looking for an impartial person who is willing to help me with my mother, and I think the best way is with a face-by-face meetup by real-time chat...that's right, that's how direct and honest I am and I think it's only a positive thing...so OP, feel free to PM me if you like with the intent of simply helping each other out. Due to the length of my mother's tyranny I confess I strongly need help at this time as I am quite tired and (temporarely) defeated. This said I still think I can help others maintaining perspective in their own situations, and even though I haven't proved it in this post I have a solid knowledge of NPD and personality disorders in general. So if you're interested in this exchange let me know.

I were a moderator in this forum, I would ban a person at the first sign of NPD or lack of willingness to place responsibility where it OBVIOUSLY belongs, replaced by a will to blame the victim. Banning them would just be the lesser evil, we need discipline in the world. I want nothing to do with people with NPD,

Hi Purple Duck, sounds like you are having a rough time with your mother. About this forum, I think all or most of the moderators here have NPD and this is also an NPD support forum so the notion of banning people at the first sign of NPD is absurd. It's also for non's like myself. If you want nothing to do with pwNPD then participating in this forum would contradict that.

It is absurd that most moderators are NPDs, it's Orwellian the least. They are not in a position to moderate people debating on NPD, they are hugely biased and simply do not think straight. That's the unfortunate (for them) reality. Sure they can be annoying, but that's all the power they have. They are not my leaders and I never felt anything but spite and condescendence for an NPD aka deluded person. I work on my own as I would rather die than having an NPD boss over me. I love this and I'm sorry for people who aren't narcissists and don't have the balls to rebel to narcissists or perhaps they can't. I hope the best for them and the worst for NPDs who dare taking positions of power, which they shouldn't. This here is the same. NPDS SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY POWER. They don't use it well. No NPD have much more chance to do a much better job, be more fair and so on. Society should not allow NPDs to have any power on messageboards for example. That "most moderators here are NPDs" is no surprise since we live in a crazy, orwellian upside down world. This is just to be expected, but it doesn't mean it's the right and sane thing to do. The sane thing for society is not allow perople with personality disorder in any position of power, they should only be slaves. Society doesn't have to give crazy people what they want, that's the last thing it should. Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen and this makes the problem worse and a more resolute and extreme resolution needed.

I'm saying that just because you asked, I didn't plan to stick to that, I replied only to help the OP and I subscribed to the forum solely and selfishly to help myself and be helped (which can only happen if I help others in return, life is a give-and-take thing...) and I am not interested in taking control of the forum so they'll keep moderating it, I am no threat. Oh wait, of course I am - narcissists are threatened by people who live in reality.

THEIR problem - even if they ban me, that's not problem to me. Not the least. No matter what the NPD do with me, they lose and I win, and it will forever stay so. Being banned by this forum isn't losing, actually they lose if they do.

I am their nemesis - an actual superior person. The narcisissist is an inferior who thinks he's superior when he's not, I am one who thinks it by BEING so - this is not narcissism, it's the exact opposite. I am their nemesis and they'll always lose.

I consider them LIGHT YEARS BELOW any insect, and obviously myself. I am not threatened by narcissists, they must be of me. I don't believe a single word they say. Only my mother has had an impact on me but that's because she has other problems aside from narcissism and that' because I have to deal with her everyday. A narcissist can be a problem to me only if he's someone I HAVE to deal with - moderators here aren't such people, we can both perfectly ignore each other. What matters is that I consider them BELOW insects in terms of existential value. They're black holes and society is crazy to not get rid of them physically by sending them to the moon or perhaps simply giving them the death penalty. I ADVOCATE THE DEATH PENALTY , or at the very least RECLUSION in appropriate mental hospital where NPDs can just ###$ each other without bothering normal people. They are one of the greater ills of this society, and society should get rid of them. Noone should lower its standards and quality of life and sacrifice himself just to give space to these who are as a matter of fact MONSTERS. Humans aren't all humans, aren't the same and aren't good the same...

No respect, ever. They deserve none. I only respect people who for starters don't deny the evident objective truth all the time, and second they must have some skill and value. Most NPDs are worthless and they go crazy precisely because of this. A beautiful person who thinks he's beautiful isn't a narcissist, contrary to popular belief. NPDs are usually plain, mediocre, or worthless people who decide to think they're superior. Their problem, I'll never stop looking down upon them and I encourage everyone to do the same as only this can teach them what they desperately need: humility.

They can live in their fantasy land as much as they like - I'll stick to reality. Most NPD have no human value and I'll treat them for the lower-than-insects that they are and I'll never think I'm not light years above them, no matetr what they do or think. They are CRAZY and it ends there. Nothing they say or do matters.

It comes on its own that it's not a question of labels. Modern psychiatry is nothing but control of the people. Many perfectly normal and healthy peope are declared NPD and they might end up fooling themselves they are. And viceversa happens way more often.

The average person of today is mentally ill and has a degree of NPD. When one hasn't been diagnosed and declares of not being NPD it means nothing. I will decide if for me a person is NPD or else, I set my standards of normality and decide who to me is human or scum. I'll use my own discernement; this before someone comes to me saying: "hey I am not NPD so forget about me being so". *I* decide what you are to me, not you. Only I have complete control of my perceptions and evaluations. I know NPDs tricks too well, they can't possibly ###$ with me any longer. They did in the past but they won a single battle and way lost the war. As I said before, it was no joke, it'ìs reality: NPDs can never win, in the end they're the greatest losers of mankind. Human society can be wrong and sick as much as you want but life and the universe go by the law of karma and justice: arrogant people get fuc ked over and over.

unfortunately many people are naive and think if one smiles on his fb profile picture then he's gotta feel fine. Smiles mean nothing. It's just appearance. "sounds like this or that" means nothing as well. They're perception, and perception isn't reality.

NPDs and other PD individuals usually look perfectly fine and "successful" to most people; these people need to get to know them a little better to know how this is sheer illusion. For instance this mentally ill girl I know looks perfectly happy on fb, only to have hysterical crysis at every single little thing in real life.

You can't judge people from their cover. In the same way, rest assured that how sas I sound to you, I am way happier than that girl and most people as a matter of fact.

People today are confused and naive and think people who SOUND or LOOK happy ARE happy.

Sounding, looking and being = two different things. Stop dependeing from perception and first impressions (illusion).

Conservatives like the OP's mother are a perfect example. Just re-watch American Beauty, whose tagline was "look closer". Conservative republicans are all about LOOKING perfect and happy PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY ARE THE OPPOSITE.

Only deep reality matters and exists, appearance is irrelevant and I don't consider it. I am the nemesis of NPDs and people of appearance and perfectly happy to be. THEY WILL ALWAYS LOSE, every single time. The universe is RIGHT, no matter how much society is sick.

@ The Purple Duck

I think you are right. For most of the part this game you say is unhealthy. The ones that play it, play it soo good that they paint you for crazy the moment you take a position or say your opinion about the mental sickness of the society. Ive been through some posts, but please try that those people do not make you upset, because even if people are disordered, they are here to be back in order. It is possible. I understand fully how much hurt you are or were once by narcissistic abuse probably. It is your right to express your opinion and position on the forums, even if it sounds like you are in rage and hate. Like I read from your post, you blame society more than the individuals who are responsible for the outcome. Remember the people who let evil happen are worse than those who are evil. Hardcore disordered narcs are mean, toxic and selfish as hell absolutely correct. There are also milder cases and happy people or recovered ones. Remember that they also look for something as anyone else does in the world. Some people are psychopaths. You can't help those anymore. Sociopaths can be healed and that is what I believe. But my recommendation to you about this Sick society game is. Do not let people manipulate you into this hate and rage. Do not let people corrupt your heart to fill it with madness. Try to understand that there are people who paint you black into something you are not the moment you open your mouth. You can't change that. I can't change that.
But what you and me can change, my friend, is ourselves and our behaviour, because that explains who we are. And this again can change the world we live in. We can be shining examples and role models for those children of god who went to the wrong path treating others... Over the internet or in the media anyone can pretend to be someone they are not as you perfectly describe, but it is one and only game in the entire life you have to play with and nothing along:

Survival and saving your own mental health! This is the only game you have to "win". So it is good that you post your feelings towards absurd narcs who might have hurt you in the past. Nevertheless most of the people here are for the same reasons on these boards as you -> To find knowledge and help.


@ Vinylvanilla

You have to forgive her. Try to hug her and give her the love she thinks she never had in her life. If she hates you, tell her how much you understand her. If she fights your interests, tell her how much you appreciate her concern. If she despises you, show her how much you would like it, if she explained in detail what she dislikes. I have been under true narc. pd from family. It is life in perdition. The more I understand the motives and rages of the person who is responsible for this, the better I get along with her/him. By the way, did you specialize in any field in medicine yet?


Cheers

Forgot one thing: If you hate something that much, you have to be careful not to become it yourself one day. Show the world you can do better than them, because for most of them it is not their faults to be what they became.

And kids this is how Lucifer became evil. <- If some of you are religious, he hated humans that much that he developed some of our worst sides on his own.

It is absurd that most moderators are NPDs, it's Orwellian the least.

Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. I don't think most moderators on message boards have NPD. Rather, most moderators here probably have NPD. I think this site is most likely unique amongst message boards on the internet, as I doubt any others would have NPD moderators as a majority.

So it is easy to find a place that is not moderated by pwNPD.

I ADVOCATE THE DEATH PENALTY , or at the very least RECLUSION in appropriate mental hospital where NPDs can just ###$ each other without bothering normal people.

I don't know if I am normal but hate-filled text like this bothers me. You can write what you want of course.

If you feel this way why are you here, though? I hope you find peace.

Romeo111 wrote:
@ Vinylvanilla

You have to forgive her. Try to hug her and give her the love she thinks she never had in her life. If she hates you, tell her how much you understand her. If she fights your interests, tell her how much you appreciate her concern. If she despises you, show her how much you would like it, if she explained in detail what she dislikes. I have been under true narc. pd from family. It is life in perdition. The more I understand the motives and rages of the person who is responsible for this, the better I get along with her/him. By the way, did you specialize in any field in medicine yet?


Cheers

I've specialized in Ophthalmology.

And thank you for words, they were really helpful. I have tried NC but I just think it makes things worse. I don't avoid talking to my mother, I've just stopped opening my heart to her. When she asks me about my day, I say it's fine no matter how terrible it was, because honestly I think she just asks about my day for pure formality and because it is socially acceptable. Sometimes I doubt she really cares if I'm happy or not.

I've been through terrible relationships and friendships, I've had my heart broken and now that I'm 28 and single I've been analyzing my life and my regrets, to the point of desperation. I feel lonely and sometimes I question my own existence, if it's really worth it or not. I wonder if these are early signs of depression. But anyway, this last weekend when I told her all about these problems in my mind and that I need her help to make me less anxious she told me I'm childish . That's when I gave up trying to make her understand me. I guess I'll have to take her as she is.

-- Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:33 am --

The Purple Duck wrote:Your mothers sounds to me like the typical OLD conversative bigot who is stuck in the past, doesn't have the skills to adapt to a changing society (because even if gay people are evil, they exist, have the right to be and one should shut up and adapt to this - but your mother still has a problem with that) and yes, there seem to be signs of NPD like BlueFlower already said.

The way I see it most people today have NPD at some level, just some more and some less, thus the question "is she a narcissist" is a bit "silly". Of course she is because most people are (I have heard the story that the official criteria for the diagnosis of NPD have changed because else basically everyone would have to be considered sick...), plus she is a bigot conservative (I hope this doesn't offend you) and that is a narcissistic culture (and I'm not a liberal either).

Of course it would be interesting to know WHY specifically your mother or mine or other people who show these signs do; because in all these cases it is a combination of personal history and traits mixing with culture. This would be important to understand as to know who exactly to blame and how much. I too like you suspect I have a mother with NPD or something similar, and I still have no answers as to why she ended up being suck a ###$, but I will never, ever stop posing myself that question. Because in order to protect ourselves from these people, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. The more we know the better it is. Of course you do a good thing in posting here and doing research, as I am doing.

BlueFlower went to the point of the path of action to take for your own survival which is the no contact. I unfortunately live under the same roof with my mother but I have no other hope than practicing the no contact. It is hard, I fall over and over but I am hopeful that those mistakes can teach me once and for all that I DO NOT HAVE TO SPEAK OR ARGUE WITH HER AT ALL. She is simply abnormal. It is very, very hard for me to do so because I'm quite lonely most of the time and I feel the need to speak to someone and my mother would be one of the few I'd speak with if she were normal. And also I'm not antisocial, if I share the house with someone I can't help but speaking to him or her. I can't help but standing upo for myself when needed, communicating directly and effectively, espressing my point of view when I find it legit and so on. But all these that are natural to me and wouldn't be a problem at all with other people, are a huge issue with my mother.

Specifically, she seems to have an extreme HATRED for this very "honest and open" style of mine, as she practices the exact opposite: covertness, secrecy, lack of transparency. manipulativeness. She hates my direct and honest ways and also I just don't seem to able to keep my mouth shut. And that's why we argue. I have no problem in insulting her, I find no fault in calling her for the snake that she is, and the mentally ill person. That's right, I shouted her at her face that she's crazy and that I ######6 hate her, because it's the truth. I don't feel guilty nor I think I should. But doing this is still a problem and I try harder and harder to NOT speak the truth at her face, because she becomes the devil personified and that makes it all even worse.

And then of course, whenever one tries to get help there is always a narcissist/possessed evil person who needs to try to make you think only you are the crazy one. We are victims, period.

I am here to help you if you wish and I confess I need help too because my mother is driving me insane. Can't tell which mother is worse, yours or mine. They both seem very bad and I absolutely do not CONCEIVE this kind of behavior and I don't think I would ever act this way with my own son or daughter in my own right mind. I do not tolerate their behavior, I do not think anyone has the right to emotionally abuse anyone else, and that's what they do. Unfortunately they're free to do so in this world, apparently, and there aren't pertinent institutions that help. Therapists you can't force your mum to listen to aren't enough, there should be more legal protection for victims of subtle emotional abuse.

This is my first post here and was planning to create a dedicated thread, but that would expose the matter to more narcissists who apparently are welcome in this forum - which I find totally foolish - and they just can't help but only create confusion, for that is what these people do - create confusion so they don't have to admit their mistakes. They defend the perpretrators and blame the victim, how nice. That's all they do 24/24. Truth and honesty are their enemy no.1. They obstacle solutions to problems and they do not communicate honestly and clearly, on purpose: that is the nature of personality disorders. If I were a moderator in this forum, I would ban a person at the first sign of NPD or lack of willingness to place responsibility where it OBVIOUSLY belongs, replaced by a will to blame the victim. Banning them would just be the lesser evil, we need discipline in the world. I want nothing to do with people with NPD, I think it's wise to simply AVOID them which is BlueFlower's advice on how to deal with your mother and my own resolve in dealing with mine. And bless him for countering the obviously narcissistic foolishness of the poster who claimed your mother is not a bad person and her behavior is "normal". Please. Stay away from my planet, I am not interested in your LIES. You don't exist to me and never will so don't even think about replying. I'd just ignore you, that's how I deal with crazy and/or unhonest people.

I am looking for an impartial person who is willing to help me with my mother, and I think the best way is with a face-by-face meetup by real-time chat...that's right, that's how direct and honest I am and I think it's only a positive thing...so OP, feel free to PM me if you like with the intent of simply helping each other out. Due to the length of my mother's tyranny I confess I strongly need help at this time as I am quite tired and (temporarely) defeated. This said I still think I can help others maintaining perspective in their own situations, and even though I haven't proved it in this post I have a solid knowledge of NPD and personality disorders in general. So if you're interested in this exchange let me know.

Hey, thank you for your words, they were really helpful.
I'm sorry you have a narcissistic mother. You know I relate to it and I know how hard it is not having your feelings understood by the person who should understand them better than anyone else, our mother. I don't know if I'm the best person to help you in this case since I'm in the same situation but I recommend you the same thing I'm doing : just small talk about general topics, NEVER OPENING YOUR HEART TO HER. You'll only feel empty and realize you've been wasting your time... She just doesn't care. She finds your problems ridicule and shallow. Feel free to message me if you want!

-- Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:36 am --

BlueFlower wrote:

Vinylvanilla wrote: I wanted her to help me and she told me to stop being so childish. She told me I was being ungrateful . I went home , driving my car with tears rolling down my face, she didn't even call me to see if I'm okay or not.

She just doesn't care.

Your mother lacks empathy which prevents her from relating to your sadness. She doesn't understand anyone else's needs or feelings--only her own. N parents are unable to nurture and love unconditionally; or support you in your time of need. This is why they are so toxic.

Unless you want your heart broken again and again, give up the idea that she will be there to help and support you. She is too self-absorbed to listen to your problems or help you with your issues. Your mother is immature and emotionally incapable of being the parent you deserve.

I'm sorry you are suffering, but the less you expect from your mother, the better you'll be.

Thank you so much for your words.
I've been trying to do that and it's really hard because she is the person I trust the most when it comes to open my heart and say what I feel, but now that I'm avoiding doing it for the sake of my own sanity I'd have to talk to my friends.. The problem is that I don't have many friends and I don't trust many of them. I feel absurdly lonely and I don't feel my mother understands me or supports me whatsoever. I think my father is a narcissist too, in fact his narcissism is much more severe. I'm an only child so I guess that's advantageous because I've always learned how to have fun by myself and know I'm learning how to overcome mental issues by myself.

Vinylvanilla wrote:I feel absurdly lonely and I don't feel my mother understands me or supports me whatsoever. I think my father is a narcissist too, in fact his narcissism is much more severe. I'm an only child so I guess that's advantageous because I've always learned how to have fun by myself and know I'm learning how to overcome mental issues by myself.

Hey, Vinyl;

I know you're struggling with this, and it's very hard to accept. In your case, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor to help you through it. I found that even when I talked to my friends about my situation, they couldn't relate to it because some things they found too unbelievable about my mother's behaviors. Even though they could listen, they couldn't really offer me the advice or the understanding I was searching for. Sometimes a professional can offer the validation and guidance you need---I know it's hard, and you're doing a great job so far, but trying to work through everything yourself gets to be too emotionally draining. Dealing with narcissistic parents is exhausting; and trying to explain their behaviors to people who don't get it is pretty futile.

Hang in there!

Also, read some books about NPD parents---it may help you.