Any good jokes

I just thought after reading Iwoya's jokes in the ask and answer a question thread it might be good to have somewhere people can post there favourite jokes.


Any good jokes anyone?

Mystic - Great idea!

Here's one I saw on a website.

Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

a man walked into a bar.

ouch.

I'm going to love this thread. Thanks Mystic!!

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
'
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!"

I know it's not a joke and that I've posted this before. But damn. This is sooooo funny!!

..............How to spot a meth lab................

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

That's a classic for a reason!! Thanks for bringing it back hologram

There was this couple on a vacation out at the lake.
The husband was one of those guys who loved to get out on the lake at the crack of dawn and spend the day catching fish.

When he finally had enough, he headed back for a little nap in the afternoon.

His wife, seeing what a beautiful day it was, went out alone on the boat to sit in the sun and read her book being rocked by the gentle waves on the water.

A Fish and Wildlife Officer came along and seeing her headed his boat next to hers.

"Miss, I'm afraid you're in a restricted No Fishing Zone".

"No Problem" says the wife, holding up her book. "I'm not out here to fish!!"

"That may be, but looking in your boat I see you have all the equipment for it," says the young officer "So I'm going to have to write you up a ticket or two."

"Well, if you do that, I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault, Officer!!"

"But..... I never touched you!!" says the panicked officer.

"No, but you have all the equipment"

A bloke walks into a small village shop, having read the notice on the door: DANGER Beware of the Dog.
The bloke notices inside the shop a large dopey-looking dog laying by the counter, sleeping. The bloke enquires with the shop keeper, "Why the need for the notice on the door?" The shopkeeper replies: "Because before I put the notice up, people kept tripping over him".