Any good jokes

some one liners:

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

mystic

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could now see a little bit out of my left eye ..."

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't stop thinking I'm a goat!"

"I see. And how long have you had this problem?"

"Ever since I was a kid."
---------------------------------------------------

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading,
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town council was not happy with the new sign so the doctors changed it to,
"Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either so, in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go! Next they tried,
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again. Then came,
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

Still no go. How about,
"Minds and Behinds"?

Unacceptable again. So they tried,
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes".

Still no go.
"Nuts and Butts".
"Freaks and Cheeks".
"Loons and Moons".

None worked. At their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the council.
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends".

APPROVED

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

DAM!

- I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
- Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
- My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- What do you call an Irishman who sits outside all night? Paddy O' Furniture
- What's pink and fluffy? - Pink fluff
- What's blue and fluffy? - Pink fluff holding it's breath
- Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here; hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied gramps, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little jerk's name is Johnny.'

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’"

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba