I'm doomed, aren't I?

I stumbled across this site through google. I typed in the search " what can I do besides gamble?" And now, here I am. As I was looking at all of the boxes to choose which section I wanted to look at. I thought omg I need this, this, that and that one! But, ultimately gambling is my main problem.... I think. I mean, I KNOW I'm a addict, but, maybe all these issues could be why I am. I don't know. All I do know is I have absolutely nobody to talk to about it. Maybe typing this will help me. Really " hear " myself have to describe my addiction.
I'm a 37 year old female who started gambling at 19. I play slot machines. Give me a second here, I feel sick just figuring out it's been 18 years of this. OMG, 18 YEARS!!!! Ok, well it started after my dad died. My mom couldn't cope with his death so she would have me take her to the casino. I did, I played, and I won. A lot and all the time. Thousands of dollars. Honestly I never lost. Then my son came. I was too busy with him to worry about mom or gambling anymore. All of my time was spent with him and chasing down his dad from bar to bar to bar. He's a sever alcoholic. But, he's the father. I had to make it work.
Now, I'm 21. Mom died. In my arms. Very unexpected. My siblings hate me, no parents or friends. But, I have my son and his very unstable unpredictable alcoholic father.
Let's fast forward to 2008. I'm 31. I ban myself from the casino because I'm spending everything there. Food money, utility money, rent...everything. ( yes, the winning streak I had at 19 clearly ended) I blamed my boyfriend ( still the father of my son) because of his drinking. I couldn't stand sitting home watching him drink, I got to the point of every time I heard a beer can open, I wanted to slit a wrist. The deal was I ban from the casino, he'll go to A.A. I banned & he wouldn't step one foot in a meeting. Yeah, I was mad....so what did I do? Went to the bar w/ him so I could play the bar machines while he got drunk. I did start GA. Absolutely horrible ! One lady spoke the whole time and if you talked out of turn, you got yelled at. The head guy earned this gold coin for not gambling for so many years. I believed in him....a few months later I'm at the bar...so is he....playing a machine, his wife came in crying begging him to come home. Kept saying to him " you promised me" I felt sick. I thought omg, if this guy can't do it, I'm doomed. I really am. So I gave up. Went back to the casino. ( my ban was for a year)
Played every day or every other day. Lost and lost and lost. Won lost lost lost lost. For years. I spent the rent check, boy friend got drunk. Cycle over and over and over again.
AGAIN, let's fast forward to 2012... It finally happened.....I went " crazy" just like GA said it would. I had a nervous break down. I tried to " fight" it. I tried to be strong. I'm the type of person who thinks you don't need a pill. Most I've ever taken was a aspirin. The nervous break down was so bad I lost 40lbs in 2 months. I landed in the hospital .....that was it, I tossed the white flag and started effexor xr. I felt like my old self again. Even though gambling is what gave me the nervous break down, once better, I went right back to it. But worse. Before, all those years I would set a limit. Daily limit, but it was some kind of limit. Now I was writing bad checks. So in 2013 I banned myself again.
That lasted 6 months ( was supposed to be a year again,) but I went on the shift nobody knew me and got the heck outta there before they came in. I was scared of getting caught but my addiction over powered that fear. Time came up to go back in unbanned and now we're in 2014..... And it's just insane. I spend a $1000 a time. Savings gone, credit cards maxed, hit every single loan place in town, I got nothing, absolutely NOTHING.
Still with the boyfriend, he's still a drunk, but now that I'm on effexor I'm pretty numb to the drinking I just don't care anymore. Helps that we work different shifts, by the time I wake up, he's passed out.
Anyways, is the effexor what made me a 1000x's worse? Is it that I never got a chance to grieve for my mom? The person that ONLY person on this planet who ever really loved me? Living with a drunk? ........is it just me? I need to stop with excuses? I'm getting paid in a few days, I NEED THE STRENGTH to not go to the casino!!
What do I do? What can I do for help? I need help. Please just tell me what I need to do.

Well I hope you are not doomed. It takes one day at a time to tackle a gambling habit.
I have a star chart to help me and at the end of a period of time I reward myself with something nice.
I have had two weeks free of no gambling on line, I so want to get a whole month of freedom from gambling.
I am sure I will do it - this site is really helpful.

I hope you manage it as well - I put little stickers on my computer saying

have a bath
do your nails
do some knitting

anything but gamble
it does help

Good luck and I hope things work out for you

Hey Katie2333, looks like you have had a hard go of it. You are not doomed there are always options. GA is the only thing getting me through. I have 3 meetings a week that I am going to and I tripped up and gambled quite a few times while in GA but never has bad as when I was alone. And 24 hours is never free of gambling is never a waste no matter what happens tomorrow. I have 4 days in. It feels right this time but I don't know what will happen. I had a year 2 years ago.

What you need to do? You did it! The first step is admitting and looking for help. I don't know what will work for you but generally. 1. Set up road blocks out there to make the small urges not worth it. I would self-exclude again. I would talk to your bank manager because they probably have dealt with people you know. 2. Work on your self, you sound like you have had it rough, start some self-care for you. Walk, pray, meditate, bubble bath, kick boxing, something to DISTRACT. 3. Get help, with the multifaceted problems you are facing no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. A lot of provinces and states will offer counselling serves free of charge. Also the support of a group like GA or another recovery. It helps to know you are not alone and begin to retrain your brain from Gambling. 4. Forgive yourself, you have to be with you for a long time so you might as well get along. This is my biggest issue (struggling with depression). The more you beat yourself up the more your anger turns inwards to self-hatred, self-loathing, and self-destruction in the form of gambling(what is the point I don't deserve to win anyway, at least its fun), or suicide. Hope this helps, thoughts are with you.

I agree with the previous post,yours is one of the saddest stories ive read on here (and ive read just about all of them).
It looks like you need help and advice in many areas of your life and all your problems are so clearly linked,i can only comment on the gambling bit and i so hope you will take this on board.
The biggest step you have to make as the previous poster has already stated is admitting your problem and then forgiving yourself, its done its in the past,the money youve spent is gone ,really forgive yourself try to rid yourself of the depression your feeling ,you wont succeed in a depressed state.
And now to get some positivity ,you have proved in the past that you can stop gambling for periods, so you should take great pride in yourself that you have been able to stop for periods in the past.
So now put all your problems to one side and concentrate on doing this for YOU,if you get a few weeks gambling free time under your belt your life will start to look so different and you will surprise yourself how quickly things start to turn round.
As you know from previous experience this isnt easy,but you can and have proved in the past beat this thing,if you have a fall along the way ,climb back on and keep going.
Keep positive ,this is about YOU and making YOUR life better,and YOU can do this.

Very best wishes ,and keep posting as you start to beat this thing (and you will)

Dont give up yet
it is still early, u r still young
u can have something you interested but never do it, try to do it
FOCUS. and you will be OK

Well the night I started this post I bawled my eyes out the entire time I was typing, I just re-read it and I see I jumped around a lot and tried to get to the main point as I was describing my " life time line" so I want to apologize for the rambling and long post.
I also want to THANK all that has replied. Thank you, I truly appreciate it.
I went 10 days gamble free. What helped me with that, was a post I read on here. Well, more of a sentence. Someone said..." Don't say I will never gamble again, rather say, I will not gamble today" reading that and repeating it several times a day, has really helped me.
Then.....the dreaded Monday came. Every Monday I get my " free" $100.00 to play at the local casino. From their rewards play program. Last Monday I sold it to a regual player for $40.00 because I needed the money so I didn't go. But, yesterday I didn't NEED the money so I went.
As I was driving there I felt sick. I kept saying to myself, " you did so good, you went 10 days, what happened to the " I will not gamble for today?!?!" WHY AM I DRIVING HERE? Turn round, go home!
But, I didn't. It's almost like I'm possessed. My head knows it's wrong, it says RUN AWAY, but my foot stayed on the peddle and I kept going.
I walked in the casino, and again, I felt sick, but said " ok, play only your free money then get the hell out of here!" I played and won $105.00. I went to hit the cash out button....then boom...my hand moved over to the hit bet button....I thought ...the big one will hit....lost it all...went to the ATM, took out $200....lost.
Walked out...pissed. Not for losing my money but for ruining my 10 day streak.
I'm weak. I have zero self control.
For those of you who responded.... I really appreciate and respect your words of wisdom thank you for sharing that with me. And, your advice.
I've been doing a lot of reading on this forum and honestly, it sounds like the gist of it I need a support system.
My last visit to GA was in 2008.... Although it was a bad experience I owe it to myself to give a another try. Maybe it has changed, I hope.
I've never had anybody I could talk to about this. Either I'm too embarrassed to tell certain people or the ones who know say " you're an idiot, who puts their money in a machine?" They can't and never will be able to,relate to me and my addiction.
But, knowing this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life.....scares the hell out of me.

You're not doomed. Don't think that. What we think dictates our actions most of the time or controls them. Say to yourself, I am not doomed, what happened in the past doesn't have to happen in the future. I can change. I will change.

You've been through a lot. Traumatic times with the loss of your father and mother, dealing with an alcho boyfriend/husband etc. Sometimes there are reasons as to why we gamble like to mask pain, forget about issues, past or present etc. Boredom, many. Sometimes we just gamble because we gamble. We get addicted. Sometimes there is no reason. I think the experts over complicate things. Someone told me '' people with low self esteem gamble '' what a load of crap that is. Sure people with low self esteem gamble, but so do people with high self esteem. Thats some stereotypical #######4 right there. It affects people from all aspects of life. Rich, poor, famous, successful, EVERYONE. For various reasons.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I've been hooked hard for 8 years. Losing probably over half a mill, 6k these last two weeks after stopping for 3 months and have gone over a year without it during these last 8 years. Deep down I know I'm going to stop, I believe in me and know I'm a good person. It's time for you to start believing in you, realise you are a good person and have the power to turn your life around if you truly want to. Find the right help. It's a long and tough road, but one in which you're worthy to conquer.


Peace to you

Gambling is a high, Katie. What gambling is to you, is what a hit of crack is to a crackhead. Both empty the wallet almost as fast.

Now, don't blame your drunken boyfriend for your actions. You would do the same thing even if he wasn't there. You know it, and I know it.

Is there a "cure." Not really. What it is, is you're getting a high. Sure, I'm sure some heavy-duty Anti-Psychotic meds could "dull" your desire for that high, but lettuce examine another approach...

Is there another "high" that you can replace this one with? I have no hobbies, so for me this is moot, but most other people have hobbies.

You may be able to replace the current high with another, less financially consuming one...

Katie dont wait for your next moment of weakness, self exclude NOW!!, strike while the irons hot ,,,just self exclude forget the freeplay and anything else they offer you as i guarantee whatever they give you they will get back at least tenfold.
Dont feel embarrassed i guarantee more people will admire your strength on here ,and it does take strength to self exclude,and it may also spur others reading your posts to do the same ,how cool would that be starting to beat this thing and also helping others by your actions too?


Very best wishes whatever you do

Never to late to change
Start with first step
and do it