Just for an introduction, I'm 23 and I've always been a shy guy. Anyway, in 2011 I started dating my first girlfriend.
At first our sexual life was not going very well, and we talked about it. I ended up by telling her that I had a Smoking Fetish. She didn't know that it existed and what was it about, so I explained her that I just loved to watch women smoking and even gave her some smoking tricks that she performed quite well.
But this is not everything, I didn't have the courage to tell her the rest about my fetish. I mean, I love to watch a woman smoking but my fetish is more than that and I was ashamed of telling her all about it because I knew it was very weird and I was afraid of what could happen if I told her.
These other things that I'm talking about are for example the arousal that I have with my own smoking (looking at myself smoking on the mirror, thinking about the health consequences of my own smoking, thinking about I just can't quit, how smoking is part of me and how I let the addiction win the battle); the arousal that I have just by seeing a cigarette burning on an ashtray; the arousal that I have when I think about how bad smoking is for you and how you keep smoking because it feels so good; how so many woman are impotent to fight there addiction, how some are so addicted that they don't even want to think about quitting, how the smoke is damaging them and they keep doing it! This is the biggest part of my fetish and it's the most weird too, I know.
Anyway, her and I broke up by the beggining of this year. I wasn't really feeling that her smoking for me was enough. I needed more. I needed the Dark Side and Lung Damage stuff too but I was never able to tell her about it. I feel like this made us became more and more distant which led to the end of our relationship.
Fortunatly, I've recovered from that (which was really hard) and I feel like I'm falling in love again. But this will bring a bigger problem to me. This girl doesn't even smoke. I'm completely lost. I feel like I want to be with her, but at the same time it's like I know we are going to fail. But what the hell should I do? Forget this amazing woman because I'm obcessed with this fetish? What am I expecting? To find someone who will understand these weird fetishes that I've got? Let's be serious here, it's not going to happen.
What am I going to do? I don't want to be alone for ever, but I also don't want to keep this secret for ever with me. I need to have both in order to be happy. Otherwise, what's the point on living if you are never going to be happy or feel complete?
$#%^, this is killing me.