How does one live with a Smoking Lung Damage Fetish?

Just for an introduction, I'm 23 and I've always been a shy guy. Anyway, in 2011 I started dating my first girlfriend.

At first our sexual life was not going very well, and we talked about it. I ended up by telling her that I had a Smoking Fetish. She didn't know that it existed and what was it about, so I explained her that I just loved to watch women smoking and even gave her some smoking tricks that she performed quite well.

But this is not everything, I didn't have the courage to tell her the rest about my fetish. I mean, I love to watch a woman smoking but my fetish is more than that and I was ashamed of telling her all about it because I knew it was very weird and I was afraid of what could happen if I told her.

These other things that I'm talking about are for example the arousal that I have with my own smoking (looking at myself smoking on the mirror, thinking about the health consequences of my own smoking, thinking about I just can't quit, how smoking is part of me and how I let the addiction win the battle); the arousal that I have just by seeing a cigarette burning on an ashtray; the arousal that I have when I think about how bad smoking is for you and how you keep smoking because it feels so good; how so many woman are impotent to fight there addiction, how some are so addicted that they don't even want to think about quitting, how the smoke is damaging them and they keep doing it! This is the biggest part of my fetish and it's the most weird too, I know.

Anyway, her and I broke up by the beggining of this year. I wasn't really feeling that her smoking for me was enough. I needed more. I needed the Dark Side and Lung Damage stuff too but I was never able to tell her about it. I feel like this made us became more and more distant which led to the end of our relationship.

Fortunatly, I've recovered from that (which was really hard) and I feel like I'm falling in love again. But this will bring a bigger problem to me. This girl doesn't even smoke. I'm completely lost. I feel like I want to be with her, but at the same time it's like I know we are going to fail. But what the hell should I do? Forget this amazing woman because I'm obcessed with this fetish? What am I expecting? To find someone who will understand these weird fetishes that I've got? Let's be serious here, it's not going to happen.

What am I going to do? I don't want to be alone for ever, but I also don't want to keep this secret for ever with me. I need to have both in order to be happy. Otherwise, what's the point on living if you are never going to be happy or feel complete?

$#%^, this is killing me.

What do you need this woman to do in order to fully play out this fetish in the way that you find essential?

I don't think it's impossible to find a partner no matter what the fetish is. But it does become exponentially more difficult if it has to involve them. I'm wondering if there's a mid-ground for you here. If her simply knowing about the Lung Damage stuff would be enough? Since that's quite hard to talk about, as you say. Or is there more to it than that?

Ok, here it is what I would need to be happy:

1) Have the courage to tell her about my fetish;
2) Knowing that she would accept me as I am with this fetish;
3) Knowing that she would know that I could love her despite the dark desires of my fetish may seem contraditory with the idea of love;
4) Would be nice if she could once in a while smoke for me and talk with me about stuff related to my dark desires in order to turn me on sexually.

The problem is that I'm starting to like this woman but she doesn't smoke. She seems to be great about everything, but it's like she's not complete for me just because she's not a smoker. Now, of course once in a while I can think about telling her to start smoking, but in reality I would never be capable of doing it. I think smoking or not should be a personal choice and everyone should take responsability for their own choices. I couldn't live knowing that I was responsible for making a healthy person start doing something bad for the health.

Just another thing. These dark desires that I talk about aren't things like cancer or emphysema caused by smoking. The idea of someone actually dying because of smoking actually is a turn off for me. What turns me on are the traces that smoking leaves in a smoker's body, like smoke breath, yellow teeth, aged skin, smoker voice, smoker cough, shortness of breath. All those things that indicate something more dangerous might be coming but smokers decide to ignore. Now, if we talk about The actual cancer, emphysema, heart attack, you name it, well that repulses me. That stuff is a turn on for other people but fortunatly that's not my case... Guess I've a taste for lighter things, still, they are really hard to be told to someone you love.