So Frustrating!

Last week, some really big things happened. Some good communication, some acceptance on my part. It felt good, but unsettling. I knew the response would be more big-time denial and I was prepared for that. But I wasn't prepared for being shut down completely. Even when I try to think about things, my thoughts get derailed. They just slide off the subject and onto something else over and over. I'm not allowed to talk, write, post, even think about things. I just have to put on my smiley face and pretend everything's fine. Grrr!

I'm really interested to know what others say about this experience because it happens to me alllll the time!!

Denial comes to many forms, and if it is strong enough, it can cause shut-downs. The main thing that will help a denial shut-down is to keep on pressing forward, despite feeling like you're making no progress. In these cases, not letting denial win is progress. Just as you might "kill meanness with kindness", you have to "kill" denial with knowledge. Consistent reminders of the truth, of what you know, and of the fact that everything is correct, will eventually wear away the stone of denial into pebbles of doubt, and from there into sands of reluctant acceptance. Even attempts at reminders are better than nothing.

In our case, the denial has caused chaos overall, while causing a "shut down" with our host, who is currently taking a leave from her position. With our "host" position currently unfilled, control is left up for grabs; taking control either consists of a "first come, first served" tactic, a "whoever can take it, gets it" force tactic, or a mixture of both. So far, mainly the littles and Shay have been out, as they're now usually the only ones in the "main group's" internal living room. The older ones, such as myself, are spending most of our time in the "secondary group" area, discussing the situation and things that can be done to resolve it, as well as things that can be done for temporary solutions. Some of us, such as Kat and Marie, are keeping alters ill-equipped for everyday life, such as Cassidy and "Hannibal", away from taking control (though I suspect that "Hannibal" hasn't made any serious attempts because he enjoys watching the chaos). While internally we can resolve certain issues and "fix" certain things; and while we can attempt to help Cassandra overcome this denial to the best of our abilities, in the end it is up to her to not let the denial win, no matter how difficult or seemingly stagnant things may become.
And as long as she doesn't give up on the idea of us, we won't give up on her.
I apologize for not addressing the "thoughts derailing" or "not allowed to do anything" issue. If I am able to, I shall return and see if I can address it in a helpful way. ~Rain
-KAT

ITs OK.. your not alone...

I've switched out completely in order to deal with memories that my present personality could not handle. I needed to know the truth!

Its completely understandable. It takes time to get stronger...

keep working your recovery: make it #1 in your life.

I just hate not being able to talk to anyone! This always happens. I open up a bit and then I'm FORCED to shut up. It's like being gagged or something. It's like when I used to be mute as a kid and people would call me 'strange' and 'rude' and 'weird'. I keep losing friends because I withdraw from them. And I CAN'T control it. I WANT to connect with people. I HATE being so isolated. This is HORRIBLE

I doubt this is helpful to hear, but I/we at least know (part of) how you feel. As someone with selective mutism (because of abuse) I will periodically shut down (well, daily - but for shorter or longer periods of time) and most of my system (at least 9 + 1 preverbal out of the 18 I know) is mute to some degree. It's usually not translated into the internet/writing, but occasionally. I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope you find something that helps work this out. Is it another alter blocking your speech? I know if Lin gets scared enough she'll put me (and/or some others) on mute until she feels safer. It's all to help us, and I know that. Not much to say Just wanted you to know I know the feeling, at least..

lifelongthing wrote:I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope you find something that helps work this out. Is it another alter blocking your speech?

Thanks. I just feel so f*cking low about it all, and now it feels like everything's locked inside me and can't escape. I haven't even got words to describe it. I think it must be someone blocking me. I didn't even know they could do that. This morning I'm just veering between uncontrollable anger and wanting to break down crying. I feel like I'm not fully in control, you know?

Yeah, we understand. I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope it gets better soon. If you're talking to a T, has he/she given you any tips on how to deal with it? It sounds like you're either co-conscious or blending with one/several others or getting a lot of passive influence. All of which can be quite disturbing.

Yeah. Can you locate who it is that's feeling what?
And maybe help them so it's less stressful for all of you?
(Sorry about all the switching, we're very tired so it's kinda hard to control properly)

I can't locate who's feeling anything. They've all disappeared. I don't suppose they really exist, I'm just nuts. God, it's been a horrible day. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I thought I was going to get to see my therapist again at the end of this month. Now I've found out it's going to be another three months at least. I can't do this on my own anymore. My son deserves better than this. I'm a mess.

Take a deep breath and calm down. It's ok, you're ok, this is all a normal denial, frustration, and anxiousness. *safe hugs if wanted* You're doing great even though you don't feel like it. Why? 'Cause you're still here, you're still trying to move forward (and are- baby steps count as progress too), and you're still trying to make sense of everything. But remember- be patient with yourself. This was a pretty extreme denial/protective shut-down response, it seems. But that's ok, sometimes that happens. You just have to keep going and don't give up on yourself, or any of your parts. Remember my thread? I know you posted on it. The "Done living this lie" thread? We're pretty much going through the same thing right now except instead of a shut-down for my system, it's caused chaos. *more safe hugs if wanted* Remember that you're not alone, and as you said, "they can be so brutal sometimes, right? Denial sucks". I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time, but you must see it for what it is- a difficult time. For you and all your parts. Like a ship lost in a storm at sea, you're going to have to just stay strong, wait out the storm, and try to stay on course. This storm won't last forever, and eventually the sun will come back out from behind the clouds. You are not nuts, your parts/alters DO exist. They're trying to fix this just as you are, I bet. Even though you're being blocked out, I bet inside is like mine- running around, meetings, talking, discussing, some freaking out, trying to "fix" things, etc. If you don't give up, your parts won't give up, and eventually you all will find each other again.

You may be a mess, but the fact that you're here, you're lucid, and you're aware of your situation proves to me that you have a lot more "in order" than you feel you do. Think of all that you're dealing with right now, including the possible internal chaos that might be contributing to how you feel, and then realize the fact that you're so "in order" with yourself/everything, you're criticizing yourself on the job you're doing. From the posts I've seen, Owleyes, you're a very strong person, and I imagine a great parent. Your son doesn't deserve "better". He deserves his loving, caring parent who wants the best for him, which is YOU. He can't get any better than you.

If you feel you're not getting adequate treatment from your therapist, perhaps talk to her about how you feel you need more frequent appointments? Or perhaps you can find a 2nd therapist to start seeing in between your regular therapy visits? Maybe you can simply find a support group (in person) so that while it's not therapy, it's still helpful to you in between therapy? Perhaps you can even try to find group therapy, maybe not for DID, but I know a lot of people with DID have other disorders such as PTSD or OCD or anxiety- perhaps you can find group therapy for something else, if you have it? That way you're still getting help for things, just not main-DID help.

I certainly hope things get better soon, and that you feel better soon. Definitely take some time to yourself today, and be kind/gentle and patient with yourself. Do things that help make you feel happy or relaxed or safe or calm, or all the above. The better you feel, the smoother things will run inside and the better your parts might feel.