Owleyes wrote:I'm still feeling so terrible today, all over the place, not really in control. I thought that accepting the 'others' and the things they were telling me would help, but it just feels like I'm back to square one. Depressed, anxious, isolated, exhausted.
I understand these feelings completely. It's how I feel like everyday now. Though I don't feel necessarily isolated in my head, but isolated from the world because there's so much stuff that goes on mentally now (chaotic switches, etc) that I'm pretty much in my room all the time.
And exhausted definitely. I can barely be social a lot of the times, just don't have the energy for it. I've been starting to have dreams of my alters, and I think I'm tired because some of them are staying up all night. Once I had a dream of Shay, listening to music and just doing her thing, having a hard time communicating with the other alters when they'd approach her, basically I felt like a security camera or something. Then last night I had dreams of Dallas and Damone building stuff, like walls and rooms or something, and taking breaks and talking and everything. I think my dreams might be reflecting what's going on while myself and others are trying to sleep.
Damone was out recently and also told Mike some stuff about what was going on inside. I guess it's like, mass reconstruction. Everything's being rebuilt, remodeled. I guess the teens like Dallas, Damone, L.C., Rebel and sometimes Luna are taking care of all that. Kat helps too, sometimes. But the older ones, like Rain, Marie, Valera, and sometimes Kat, are spending most of their time going through records.
Apparently, everything's kept on record from everyone's point of view. We have written versions in books/pieces of papers; we have audio versions recorded on cassette tapes; we have video versions on theater-style old school film reels with projectors; and of course there's always in-person testimony from all the alters themselves (but not all of them are available for that). Of course, each memory version is a little different, so sometimes stuff gets mixed up and things happen like me thinking that one of Dallas' memories is mine and then realizing later that it's not and being confused as to which one's "real" (technically, of course, they're both real). But now what's going on is that we've realized things that have tampered with the records. Stuff like me convincing myself that I lost time during switches because I didn't want to know things that happened outside of my control (so I have more memories than I though I did), or someone else convincing themselves that something happened when it didn't, little things like that. So the older ones are going through the records, cross-examining them, and trying to figure out whose memories are whose and what's real and what's sorta "brainwashing".
With the appearance of Shay, a type of "master reel" of memories has been made available. Since we thought Shay was a radio and inserted an image of a radio where she was supposed to be (because we didn't know better), she was in the background pretty much all of the time, unnoticed by anyone. So far, we believe she was in the background watching what was going on throughout every switch (they aren't finished going through the reel yet).
Recognizing Shay as she is, an alter, has also been causing chaos other places. For some reason, recognizing her as an alter has caused her to uncontrollably and unintentionally start "filling in the blanks" for anyone who's up front in control. Since she holds a "master record" of memories in her, sometimes we find ourselves with blank spots or fuzzy spots "filled" or "refreshed" by her as she unintentionally shares with us what happened and what we might not have known. (I hope that makes sense). So lately, everyone's had to sorta readjust to being out because of the random memory sharing.
Sorry to go on such a rant/ramble.
Short story long, I bet there's about as much going on with your system as there is mine, and that takes a lot out of everyone.
Owleyes wrote:Look, things are f*cked up in here for a bit, OK? They weren't expecting you to turn it around as quick as you did. [Meaning turn around and say 'OK I accept you're all real and telling the truth'] It'll take some time too adjust." I just wish they hadn't left me alone to deal with everything.
It's the same way with me! Except, with me, no one expected me to have such a hard time accepting and adjusting to Shay's existence (so, kinda the same only...opposite
).
I overheard Kat telling someone inside, "She sure threw us a curveball, eh? Never expected to be called a lie again", (meaning like back when I didn't know they were more than just voices and stuff). So...yeah. At least you surprised your alters in a good way by accepting them quicker than they expected.
They didn't leave you alone to deal with everything. They're dealing with stuff right now just like you are. They might've left the outside world stuff up to you for now, but that's only because they're so busy doing work on the inside world. Once they're done inside, they'll be back before you know it to help you with the outside. But your well being comes first to them (as it should), so they're going to focus on you/your/their system first.
Owleyes wrote:Thank you for saying this. I burst into tears reading it (in a good way, first time I've been able to cry in months).
I'm glad I didn't make you cry in a bad way. *hugs if wanted* No need for thanks, I only speak the truth.
Owleyes wrote:My therapist's NHS and you can only have a limited number of sessions. We finished one round of sessions and I had to go back onto a waiting-list, which is longer than I thought it would be. I've been looking at going private but there's no way I'll be able to afford it before Christmas so I'm just going to have to wait
I don't know how it is where you are, but where I'm at there's some clinics and therapists that specialize in uninsured or financially struggling patients. Some will also make exceptions depending on your case. Wouldn't hurt to start looking for after Christmas, either. Might give you something to focus on too, kinda like the light at the end of the tunnel. At the very least, perhaps get some DBT self-help books or CDs or something? I know DBT group therapy wasn't focused on my DID, but it helped me A LOT in areas that crossed over into my DID. That's another thing too- would you be covered for a different type of therapy that you could go to in addition to regular therapy? Like DBT group therapy or perhaps PTSD group therapy or something?
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