Internal Conflict

I feel so f*cking stupid posting this because it seems so ridiculous, but at the same time it's driving me crazy. I was looking at one of those screening tools for dissociative disorders and there are lots of questions along the lines of 'Have you ever made up [traumatic events] in order to get attention/sympathy?' Well, this has totally reignited the conflict that's been going on this past year, where I'm convinced that that's exactly what I'm doing, yet at the same time am devastated at not being believed/believing myself. It's got to the point where Gemma and another part (who won't let me post her name) are screaming at each other about it. Gemma's furious at being called a liar and says that the other part is being hurtful and manipulative, and the other part is adamant that Gemma's a lying little bitch. And I'm left in the middle not knowing what to think or who to believe. Plus, the little ones get really upset at this kind of thing, and I've been a right bitch to my husband because my mood is all over the place, I feel like sh*t, it's making me want to cut (which I've been managing to control successfully for quite a while up to now) and FOR GOD'S SAKE WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!! I am so sick of this. I'm reaching a point where I want to throw my hands up and say 'Yes, I'm a nasty little attention-seeking liar' if it'll just give me some peace in my own head

Okay, so to preface this: I'm really ######6 bad at helping.. So please read this only if you can take it with a bucket of salt and know that I know next to nothing about your particular situation. Mmmkay, so... But why else, if not due to trauma, would you even hear your other parts and have parts? Nin will sometimes (let's rather say a lot of the time :/) think she had an okay childhood blabla fairytales blabla happy times blabla* but then usually manages to think - then why are these other people here? why am I doing these things? Why am I crying about not being a bear (that's me )? Why am I talking like that? Oh, yeah - cause I have DID. And why do I get DID? Oh yeah, trauma.. That doesn't mean everyone can just swallow whatever trauma they're told about through their parts is true (even though Nin is actually very good at that, we must admit!) - but it does mean something must've happened. At least that's what we figure.

* to be fair, for the past like... 6 months or so, she's been thinking "okay, so I obviously had DID growing up - so maybe I'm just faking it now and it just passed at some point". Since that makes a whole lot more sense right? .. but at least it's better!

Well this was probably less than helpful.. Err, good luck and I hope you feel better soon though.

I know, right?! I keep telling her it doesn't make any f*cking sense. She's just exhausted and I don't really know how to get through to her. I suck at helping too, all I can do is swear at her and tell her to open her f*cking eyes. It's getting me down, though. It's getting us all down, to tell you the truth.

I try to not take it personally when she thinks like that by just thinking: "her childhood made no sense. So how would she have learned to make sense of what's happening now?" So that's helped me anyway. But of course it gets you down - it gets us down too. Lin especially. She used to do some bad stuff to prove her existence when Nin used to think like that before. She's more healthy about it now, but it still hurts her.. Just stay confident and tall in your own existence and eventually she'll have to realize what's what, I guess. She's seemed to come a good way while posting here from what I gather though - so try to give her credit. The childhood you know she's had is ######6 hard to deal with in any way..

Pause, take a break, and take some deep, calming breaths. There is much tension, stress, exhaustion, and frustration going around and none of those things will help solve this conflict. It is time to take a step back, all of you, and just breathe. Breathe, clear your mind, and calm down. Try to make yourselves as relaxed and calm as possible. Gemma and the other part, if you do not wish to participate in this activity, you should at least have the good grace and respect of Owleyes to allow her to calm down. Though you all would benefit from taking a step back and "cooling your jets", as one would say.

Perhaps switch the focus to your littles for a bit. Completely ignore, (as difficult as that can be), any fighting that may continue to go on and put all focus on your distressed littles. When they feel better, you, too, shall feel better; and vise-versa. Try watching a favorite movie of theirs', or eating a favorite food; you could listen to some relaxing or happy music, or try surrounding yourself with items such as stuffed animals, pillows, and blankets. Comfort and soothe your littles; let them know that everything will be ok and that there's nothing to be scared of. They are safe; you will keep them safe; and you are sorry that they are upset. Let them know that everyone will try to cease this non-progressive fighting (not all the burden should be on you to make peace), and that the fighting will not last forever. (For no matter how long in continues, it will not last forever).

After you all have taken a step back and calmed down, even if it is only for a minute, then try to address this issue again. Are you able to have communication between Gemma, the other part, and yourself? If so, try talking to both, acting as a "referee". Instead of unnecessarily shouting at each other, all talking is to be done to/through you, Owleyes. Treat it like a debate. Gemma will have time to share her point of view, calmly and without belittlement, without interruption, to you. When she is finished, the other part will have time to share her point of view, calmly and without belittlement, without interruption, to you as well. You may direct questions at them, and they may direct questions at each other, but everything is to go through you. There is to be no shouting, no insults, no unnecessary swearing, no interruptions; everyone deserves to have their time to speak, and everyone will get their time to speak. Hopefully this will help everyone listen to each other and understand each other a little better. You do not have to agree with each other; simply understand where the other is coming from.

Gemma and the other part: If you wish to resolve this by yourselves, or Owleyes does not have enough communication with both of you, then you must both realize that this is obviously not progressing anywhere, and so a new direction must be taken. Blind anger and swearing will not solve any issues; you both need to take "a breather", calm down, have some clear thinking, and remember that both of you are in this together whether you like it or not. Both of you are there, both of you are attempting to help the system in the ways that you believe are correct, both of you deserve to be heard and understood, and both of you are causing stress upon the system.

Gemma, if you wish to "get through to her", perhaps try taking a non-verbal approach. You could try writing or typing out how you feel, any "proof" you have to present to her, and your opinions. This way you will have time to think as much as you need to, and it will reduce the risk of reactive emotional responses. It will, hopefully, also reduce internal arguing. Both Owleyes and the other part can read and process what you wrote/typed, and may either respond in the same fashion, or you all may choose to make it verbal at that point.

Other part, if you wish to express that Gemma is a liar in your opinion, causing internal conflict is unhelpful and will do nothing but cause unneeded stress. You could also try taking a non-verbal approach. Write or type out how you feel, any "proof" you have that Gemma is supposedly a liar, and any opinions of your's that you would like to share. This way you can write/type whatever you desire to express without causing as much internal conflict. Both Owleyes and Gemma can read and process what you wrote/typed, and may either respond in the same fashion, or you all may choose to make it verbal at that point.

However, both Gemma and the other part need to breathe and remain as calm as possible if they decide to take the non-verbal approach and read what each other wrote/typed. Both of you need to accept that you are each entitled to your own opinions and emotions, and both of you need to respect each other as a part of this system. You do not need to agree; you do not need to like each other; all you need to do is act civilly to one another. If someone believes that another person is a liar, yelling at them that they are wrong will not change that someone's point of view. Both of you need to work together to reach an understanding, and then you may work on a resolution.

It is obvious that Gemma is attempting to help you to not let denial win, Owleyes. While the other part is attempting to help you by protection from the truth. Both of these parts are doing what they view is best, and are attempting to help in the best way they know. Acknowledge, know, and understand this. You must also keep in mind, though, that these parts do exist for a reason. You are not a liar, and I doubt Gemma is, either. However, the other part is also not a liar, because she is acting on what she believes is correct and believes will help. But protection from the truth will only help for a short time, and will only make it worse when the truth finally surfaces. You have DID, you have other parts, and they exist for a reason: trauma. It is an unpleasant fact, but it must be faced and accepted. You are not a liar, you are a victim.

It may also help you, Owleyes, to talk to these parts separately, if you are able to. Let Gemma know that she is appreciated, that she is heard, that she is understood, and that she does make sense. Let her know that despite any doubt you may have at times, you still acknowledge and appreciate her. You could also ask her to simply ignore this other part for a while; maybe suggest giving her the "silent treatment" so that Gemma still feels her anger/hurt towards being called a liar is "felt". Until there is more understanding between everyone, it may simply be best that you all agreed to disagree for now and return to it at a later time.
Talk to this other part separately as well, if you are able to. Let her know that she is heard, that she is appreciated, that you know she's trying to help, and that she is understood. Let her know that despite what you believe at times, you still acknowledge and appreciate her. Try finding out why she believes Gemma is a liar, and why she feels so strongly about this. Ask her what she thinks of the DID, where she thinks it "came from", and if she thinks that she's simply protecting you/others. You could also ask her to not insult others like Gemma, as it is unkind and disrespectful. Let her know that calling Gemma a liar will not solve anything, and that she will need to find other ways to express her emotions/opinions (such as writing/typing, speaking only to you, drawing, etc). Perhaps you could give both Gemma and this other part their own diaries in which they can express things that will not be read by others unless with their permission.

Clear, calm communication, understanding, and respect is needed here. You do not have to agree with each other or like each other to resolve this; once you reach an understanding of each other, there can be a resolution of peace. If for nothing/no one else, do it for the littles. They deserve to have peace just as you deserve to have your times of conflict. But there is no point in continuous, resolution-less fighting.

I wish you the best of luck in this, and hope that things will calm down soon for all of you. Remember, Owleyes, you deserve time for yourself just as much as they deserve to have time for their conflict. If need be, stand up for yourself and be strong. Assert your right to have a calm head for a period of time, and assert the littles' rights to not be scared of the others fighting. Remind everyone that they are all equal, and they all deserve to be heard and understood (just perhaps not all at the same time). Do not forget that you deserve "you time"; your littles deserve "their time"; and these arguing parts deserve to get their points across to each other (again, do not have to agree, just understand). I hope that everyone is able to come to a peaceful resolution soon. -safe hugs if wanted-

~Rain

Owleyes, I only just read this thread. It sounds like you've been having such a hard time. I hear you. It sounds exhausting and frustrating and very upsetting. You've gotten some great responses and I don't think I can add anything to Rain's detailed advice. I just want to say that yes, the other part is protecting you - there's a very good reason why she's saying what she's saying. When you can, try to talk to her and ask her what could be good about believing that you're making it all up? or, if she understands the language, what could be the higher purpose of believing that? Then try to let go and allow her responses to come. You may have done that already. It's so hard doing it all for yourself! Though I know you're doing a lot to help yourself. My T asks those questions whenever a part of me is "stuck" where they are and can't yet let themselves believe what the situation is now and integrate with the rest of us. When she asks them, the other part comes out with their reasons for staying as they are. Eg one time I was so much "in" another part, and my T asked me to find my adult self, so that we could integrate, and I couldn't - she seemed so far away. Then she asked the other part those questions, and got answers like "this way I can still have my (birth) family, at least I belong" and "they won't want me, no-one likes me", and she could respond to those specific fears and issues; she explained that when the young one joined the rest of us, she'd find her true family, and said that she was important and precious - and something about that second word enabled me to find my adult self again so that I could see and hold and reassure the young one, and we could integrate. And I called her "Precious", because she was, and that was the opposite of what she felt.

All this to say that when you or your T hears the specific reasons why one of your "others" believes or does something, you can respond to it specifically. I've found that doing so while doing emdr (holding the buzzers) seems to enable my brain to jump over the dissociative barriers, so that my others can hear what we say to them - but I know it can be done without emdr as well. It's just hard to do it all by yourself.

Thinking of you - all of you - including the one who doesn't want you to say her name

Sara

None of us have ever said nothing to John that didn't happen. Nobody just made up some nasty story for attention. What would we ever get out of it? More alter attention?!? What would that look like? The claim that it's just for attention is a great smoke screen. Gemma is not a liar. The other part wants you to believe that to keep you from knowing. Think about it. Gemma says things, the other attacks. Do you think you got DID like you pick up cold? You got DID and I bet Gemma is telling you how, as in some of the crap that happened. The protector, persecutor, whatever is trying to do what they think is right, like keeping the truth from you. You're not attention-seeking. Most all of us with DID hide out rather than parade it and our life stories around for others to see. It usually takes a crowbar to get out the facts and sometimes no tool even works for a long time.

Thank you to everyone! Your replies have been really helpful.

Rain, I salute you! Thank you for your coolheadedness. Just what this lot needed. I did manage to calm down eventually (Diazepam helped). It's just no-one in here is willing to back down or concede a point or compromise. Which is understandable as they're all me, and I am not the most flexible person in the world! So we get this ridiculous, unproductive back and forth. I don't have a lot of communication with the other part yet, just name, age, some basic understanding about her. To be honest, she scares me a bit. She enjoys messing with my head. Gemma says she's just a 'psychopath', but there's got to be more to it than that.

tomboy24 wrote:If someone believes that another person is a liar, yelling at them that they are wrong will not change that someone's point of view. Both of you need to work together to reach an understanding, and then you may work on a resolution.

True. Both of you read and inwardly digest, please. I'm sick of dealing with a bunch of squabbling teenagers. I'm going to try to communicate more with this other part Her name's Jessie Thanks Gemma. I know she thinks she's protecting me, as you and Sara have said, but what she's mainly doing is wearing me out. It's not helpful.

Johnny-Jack wrote:None of us have ever said nothing to John that didn't happen.

Quato, that is both reassuring and terrifying in equal measure.

Johnny-Jack wrote: You're not attention-seeking. Most all of us with DID hide out rather than parade it and our life stories around for others to see. It usually takes a crowbar to get out the facts and sometimes no tool even works for a long time.

Ha! That's true. The 'attention-seeking' thing has never made sense to me, when the more of this stuff that comes up, the more I clam up, hide and pretend everything's fine. As an attention-seeking strategy, it's missing a crucial element – the getting of attention! Anyway, Quato, Gemma read your post in the other thread and is itching to reply to you there so I'll leave this one now.

Gemma - you rock
Jessie - I'd really like to hear more from you

You are quite welcome. I am glad I was able to be of some assistance.

If Jessie's strategies are not helpful to you, as they are clearly just adding more stress, be honest with her and let her know that. Obviously, not in a cruel way, but perhaps simply ask her politely if she would mind keeping these things to a piece of paper or a journal. This way she is still heard, you are able to read and process what she wants you to on your own time, and it is not telling her to simply be quiet. Let her know that you would really appreciate it, and that it will help everyone to have less internal/internally verbal conflict.

As far as Jessie "just being a psychopath", I am glad that you think there must be more. There is usually, if not always, "more" to anyone who is acting out in such ways. Our most recent "discovery", Cassidy, seems to be a simple "demon child". If you do not question her ways, all you will see is a very destructive, very dark, and potentially dangerous child. But in a recent encounter with Michael, she has proven to be an 8 year old child behind her "scary mask"; an 8 year old child with sensitive feelings. I have hope that in time we will see less of Cassidy's "scary mask". She may continue to be dark, she may continue to be destructive; but she can be dark without actively trying to "creep out" other people, and she can destroy things that are designated appropriate for her to destroy. Jessie could be similar. There may be reasons for her "messing with your head"; she could be putting on a "scary mask" as a learned defensive mechanism. She could have even been influenced by an abuser, as I have hypothesized about our system's "Hannibal"; or she could feel like an outcast in your system and be acting out because of that.

I hope you are able to improve communications with Jessie, and I hope that you are able to eventually resolve this conflict between both Gemma and Jessie soon, even if it is to agree to disagree. I wish you the best of luck.

~Rain