so i believe i have Disassociative identity disorder
i did not realise for a long time, people have said they think im 'bipolar', or that i 'change' or i am so different or like different people or all that $#%^ and i didnt think much of but recently ive been seeing a pyschologist. and well clues led us to this....i guess he knows what hes doing he is a professional,
i believe there have been multiple sides to me or personalities or conciousnesses with different traits characteristics emotions personalities thoughts feelings logic and strengths and weaknesses..TO THIS point they have all only used the name Andrew except sometimes my online personalities have been differently named and also i have used the name Andrevj, Anthony, and Vasili before im not sure of the connections directly right now.
each alter or MODE as i used to refer to them myself, usually goes with a certain style of dress/ clothing, attitude and is limited to certain behaviours and emotions or lack of , ability to lie or not, or for what reason, i didnt realise these are different alter personalities before but i realise now i only change between them when i feel it suits the situation and one of them seems to be the DECIDER of who will be used or let in the drivers seat, as i said they are mostly all aware of eachother and i have no memory loss between them only a sense of mistaken choice, and a feeling of not being responsible for the others actions yet certain alters are left to deal with the remorse or guilt of the others actions. its hard to organize all that especially when some of them or emotional wrecks and some are sociapath types with no emotions or empathy at all.
i have no memory loss between alters that i am aware of , although i have extremely disturbing partial memories along side a voice that came to me in the form of myself as a child with EXTREMLY DISTURBINGLY ###$ up scenarious memories voices sounds experiences physical responses , emotions , bodily reactions that were associated with them. basically a solar system of evidence that points to horrific sexual abuse and literal years of emotional mental and physical and sexual torture, yet the direct memories are incomplete , like a black hole at the center of all this evidence. but different alters dont feel responsible for the actions of the others or perhaps one or a couple take on some of it and feel it so LOGIC always takes over yet he feel regret for his wrong decisions in trying to be fair and let each one have his chance if it seemed liek the right chance or opportunity was earned. he knows now he cannot risk anthony and vasili. and although DREW hasnt ever harmed anyone too seriously he is well capable and is probably more dangerous than last time he took the seat.
one analogy is like a car with a driver some passengers who can yell at him or try to take the wheel and some who hide in the trunk maybe like the subconscious we cannot see or hear them unless they choose to come out i guess or we give them the chance to come out im not sure how that works maybe its based on fear, trust , etc.. as of yet i believe only little andrew is in the trunk (subconcious and has only made himself known on a few occasions in the form of a voice that i spoke with many times and he has the same intellect , yet no control of himself , and exact same sense of humour, he is very emotional and can be very upset with people and part of us) ...he loves DREW and Andrew-main, and logic i believe but i think logic is too cold for him but logic loves him so much thats why he tries so hard to stay in control to do what is best like a father.
i believe that most are all aware of eachother and i feel like it is quite a choice based on CORRECTNESS, whichever alter is the CORRECT CHOICE TO USE which would again be LOGIC , who is deciding this i would assume because its hard for me to differentiate what is me or not me if i am even a ME ....but thats how i would explain it, and it seems if no decision can be made easily, then DREW-ANGRY wants to come in or PARTYTIME ANTHONY , they see this as opportunity , but anthony takes the backburner and hes ###$ our life up hard twice now and we lost the woman we love because of him more than once and he never has to deal with the consequences and hes probably incapable of doing it and would end up as a homeless bum if we let him drive the car.
it seems as though i can choose which pesona or alter i would use for a situation or maybe it is a group decision or perhaps it is up to LOGIC who will be used. i kind of feel like LOGIC is the leader and calls the shots and only seems to respect DREW-ANGRY, but knows how dangerous he is, also cares most for little andrew. LOGIC can stay in control for a long time and not feel any emotions for long periods of time if needed although we know it goes somewhere or is being stored it is neccessary.
I believe the first driver created at some point when i dissacoiated was is the main driver, the logic master, does not seem to have emotion or empathy just pure intellect and logic, master of debate master of speech master of arguement master of winning. supreme logic. It seems this made sense as my way out of any situation caused by the tormentor Swan. ( there was a time when at age 15-16 swan broke the rules of the game and logic was denied , the game broke, logic was not accepted as the answer according to swan and it was the first time emotion was used, i became enraged and exploded and left the scene of the disaster, but learned that anger works somehow for the problem , but this became my new go to ego or person, i believe at this point i had 2 alters, logic and anger. i would give logic a chance if it did not work anger came out in full fury, until i realised this cannot be done anymore it will kill someone or harm the self or both, and a more balanced peace+ logic + spiritual alter had begun to grow, )
but there was also the part of me that felt he never had freedom to just have fun ,i believe this is the alter who takes over when given the chance, when he feels hes 'earned' his right to party or do WHATEVER he wants , 2 times in my life this alter has gone on drinking rampage and cheated on a loved girlfriend not considering the pain or suffering of the other alters that will follow, ....
then logic and or anger may try to come back but it is not fitting and it seems an honest alter comes out admits his faults and only hopes he can still be loved and forgiven but is never forgiven of the transgressions of the previous alter but feels seperate and not responsible but feels the shame guilt loneliness rejection abandonment suicidal thoughts desperation unloved unwanted worthlessness neediness .......validation , .....he dwells on it solely and becomes deeply depressed until ....
positive cocky arrogant comes out i dont know , it switches its not a process its more of a switch i dont feel anymore the same , and i am full of confidence and plans for the future...
logic seems to be the main controller but not always pure logic there seems to be more balance in most times...
i still feel like a different person or part of me was responsible for what i did when i went on my drinking binges at the time i felt no remorse for anything i did , only after i felt remorse for the suffering inflicted on the other party and on for how i am now feeling in my current state but i feel as though it isnt me who did it, i feel like im the one who was there BEFORE it happened and now im left to deal with the consequences, like one person or part of me did that and im suffering because of it but it wasnt me who did it.
i believe when i am paranoid and dillusional or perhaps not , but i only seem to have 2 alters strong enough to want to take over the situation , LOGIC ALWAYS gets his chance first, to let the threat or enemy or LIAR or perpetrator to stand trial basically, ANGRY is begging to just let him take control and deal with this person regardless for the suffering he is causing, but LOGIC ALWAYS WINS and decides they must stand trial, if they avoid trial they are guilty by default and anger will want his chance to punish them, but logic refuses to let it happen, so they usually break down and are forced to explain themself or tell me what it is they think i want to hear.
it seems the SWITCH can be @!@@@! when see as the correct decision and i can go into any MODE i choose thta is available only when deemed , correct.
right now i feel as though LOGIC and ANGER are fighting for the drivers seat constantly. but logic always wins perhaps by some agreement that he is best for the safety of us all and others. there is a general sense of morality and fairness required and perhaps a sense of self preservation is always there, it would seem only PARTY MAN has zero disregard for self preservation and is purely selfish and despised by the rest. he has no control or responsibility for anything and is purely selfish and is being denied his chance to ever come around again , although when the part of me who feels all the shame and guilt and suffering of his consequences is being overwhelmed PARTY TIME smells opportunity but we have denied him. i cannot determine if the paranoid version of thoughts is part of LOGIC or a mixture or different alter or mindset or simply that LOGIC is breaking down when he cannot out logic paranoia and dillusions but HE NEVER CEASES TO TRY. that is key here the never ending effort of this one, i believe thats why he cannot allow emotion to exist or has no emotions. only LOGIC and intellect.
also there was a time when i believe the child self or the dissociated self tried to show itself through the form of a voice speaking to me, it said very specific things and acted child like
among many things it said
''never tell me you love me'' this was repeated many times until trust was gained and i was allowed to ttell him i loved him and he said it to me .it makes sense because the torturer told us many times that he loved us and we were forced to respond the same and it lost all meaning literlly dementing the meaning of love...i miss him so much and i wish he would return. AT THIS MOMENT I AM FEELING EMOTION AND LOGIC i think this is more of a balanced alter of my true self but he misses his little brother dearly since he was made aware of his existence.
"will you be my dad, can you be my big brother"
he enjoyed watching movies with me , i would make him agree to keep somewhat quiet but he had horrific outburts of memories and experiences he would tell me about..
it seems something specific about the shower caused him to freak out more and tell him of horrific things even reinacting the exact words said, repeated screaming and begging and crying and it was extremely difficult to bear, and when i would leave the bathroom it would eventually subside slowly...he often made requests for me to comfort him or sometimes just constantly say things of past experience . I believe i broke his trust in one instance but i believed it was in our overall best interest and he didnt understand i was only trying to protect us all. i will never let him get hurt again and i will never betray him or lie to him or hurt him.
at this moment i would love for him to be with me and just talk to me and hear his voice and let him be safe and feel safe.
i get these isntances of break down or blankness where i feel like i am hardly inside my body and become very aware of just my breathing and i have no concsious effort of anything . just pure blankness so zoned out.
i cannot focus on any other specific alters but i think there is more and perhaps they are variations of these other alters ...
so far there seems to be,
andrew?seems to be the closest thing i could call or want to imagine as ME. seems to be happy sometimes im not sure if i am actually feeling happiness or not. the big brother of little andrew tries to live normally as i percieve others to do and tries to always do whats right and maintain a balance and live healthy, and work a job etc......... logic+ some emotion, but it is barely noticeable or only for short periods of time or only when i think about 'little andrew' my younger brother. does not lie.unless seen in best interest of little andrew or all of this family.
fatal- this alter is obsessed with video games and fantasy books loves escaping reality and will do so endlessly if allowed. somewhere in here is a personality or alter who loves videos games and reading lord of the rings and sci fi and fantasy, i believe is a part of my main self, logic, and perhaps even a bit of little andrew ,but as for little andrew i do not know since he is buried so deep and has never been out as an alter, only as a voice to converse with who could control auditory and visual hallucinations at will it seemed , especially if he was mad but this only happened a few occasions and each time he got less aggressive and more trusting , but LOGIC did let him down once and he has not returned but we all want him to come back we miss him greatly and love him the most , i can sense now that we all want him to be SAFE more than anything. does not lie.
Andrew-LOGIC- . the father as i would put it. and leader it would seem comes in control within a split second when neccessary .amazing debater , amazing at poker and gambling, gets things done.heartless almost as if andrew (main) is an experimental personality we are trying to develop as best we can but when things go wrong LOGIC steps in and also DREW ANGRY wants to step in but we know hes not the best for the situation because of how enraged he is and how badly he can harm someone. he willl not resort to violence but if he deems a situation fit or logically correct to move over for DREW or another alter then that will be the case it is not in his hands but that has yet to happen as he is so logical he refuses to let that be the case lololol i dont get it but thank god he doesnt give up, especially for the targets...i believe he does not lie but may lie if believed in best interest of little andrew.
the writer- poet, writer? amazing writer amazing with poetry ladies love this part even if they dont realise it is its own persona. i do not believe he lies but cannot recall a testing situation and it is not defined, he is artistic and one of the only alters with any creativity.
the giver / pleaser- will do anything to please if he thinks thats what is needed, loves buying gifts thinks of romantic ideas , always wants to make others happy will waste money at no second thought. may lie but only to please or create happiness.
Andrew Seducer?--great at mimicing emotions, job interviews, talking to girls and making friends, has a cocky arrogant yet empty feeling to him. Can probably get anything he wants if allowed to speak with someone or has the opportunity to get in front of them. can seduce any girl weve set our mind on so far. will lie.
Drew-ANGRY-RAGE- protector but dangerous and cares greatly about little andrew and respects logics opinion but has no patients for all that ######6 #######4 just wants to eliminate threats and liars. can probably do serious damage to many many people before being stopped. 2 years of non stop explosions and extreme rages (smashes mugs on head , pouring hot coffee over head , feels no pain and if does feel pain the response is more anger, doesnt heed broken bones or personal injury only wants to punish guilty parties). does not lie.
logic+ drew----extremely dangerous identity / alter, has never had the chance to be in control , would be extremely deadly dangerous and particularily cunning , perhaps the dexter of the bunch, that is why LOGIC has never let him have the wheel. but i believe he exists but we know he is wrong and we have morality and judgement enough to not let him in,m but hes part of the family and we cant do anything about him being here, and hes definately here. would definately lie.
SOLO---not sure if torture fantasies come from DREW or not, variation of drew or perhaps his own alter, or a blend of pyschotic form of LOGIC + Drew..i do not believe he would lie unless it was to accomplish his goal then he would expose his own lie and rub it in the wound.
vasili---- the criminal---mix of ANTHONY , logic and drew, perhaps seems to flourish as a crook selling drugs perhaps commmiting frauds perhaps.wont hesitate to harm someone if its seen as correct, no fear of anything, very selfish as well but still wants to be good with a partner or female partner in life but sees nothing wrong with lieing and hiding what he does, i guess trying that lifestyle is easier than being mr nice guy, not fully understood , addictive personality like anthony and ends up ###$ things up he has been backseated for messing $#%^ up. got us in prison for 6 months where logic had to ride it out and use his head,will lie,.
Anthony- PARTY-TIME- gives no f**ks about anyone including himself or anyone else , probably wouldnt care if he died.sex-drugs-alcohol is all that matters.like gambling as well. but will try to use logic to gamble for him .logic may only decide to do so because money is involved and is really important for our well being. we hate him. will lie,