blacking out

I'm so disconnected today. I blacked out and lost about 15 minutes and now have a horrible headache. Since getting DID diagnosis- I have been so much more aware of the switching and weird things that happen. I feels good to have a framework for it all, but on the other hand, it's so scary. I never thought I lost time like that, but I see that I do and have many times before. I'm supposedly integrated...do others that have integrated still have this happen? I just feel like crying- like it's never going to get better.

*mod edit*

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. -safe hugs if wanted- Try to stay strong and be gentle and nice to yourself.

I don't know about integration, I, myself, am not, but I am extremely co-conscious with a good number of my alters and I have some time loss still. I don't have full black-outs, but I do get put behind a wall or into a "room" or something. For me, this usually happens because it's a new alter, or because I'm not yet co-conscious with them, or because an alter is upset and has decided to take control and do something about it. If I don't know an alter's triggers or purpose or stuff like that, it's harder for me to feel/be connected with them, and so there's a greater risk of time loss. But that's just me. Perhaps try asking yourself questions about this, try some self-talk? You could even ask if there's anyone new that you weren't aware of and thus wasn't integrated or something.

Take it easy today, and comfort yourself. Treat yourself to some comfort foods, watch a funny movie, listen to relaxing music, perhaps try writing about how you feel; do stuff to help make you feel better. And make sure you're safe and that you have things like help hotline numbers in case you need them.

I know it can seem like it will never get better, but trust me, it will. You just have to stay strong and not give up. No storm can last forever, no clouds can cover the sun forever; just as things won't be this difficult forever. Remember, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean the sun isn't shining behind the clouds. -more safe hugs if wanted- Sometimes you just have to hold on and wait out the storm. I know it's tough, but I believe you can do it, and you have plenty of support and understanding here. Do you have a therapist you can contact if you need to? Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it.

I hope things get better for you soon, and I hope you feel better soon. I know it's a bit cliche, but things are always darkest before the dawn, so remember that no matter how dark things may seem, the sun will rise and it won't be dark forever.

Yes, it can be scary, even though it's a relief to get a dx that makes sense of everything at last. After my dx, I remember becoming more and more aware of all the things that were happening, and it was a lot to take in. As though everything I thought I knew was shifting - realising that I have lost some time, that I've looked at friends and not known them, and they haven't known me - realising more and more what my mind does in terms of blanking out, thought removal, other parts taking over when I thought it was all me. But I believe it's a sign of health that you can see it at last - you're ready to see it - and now you and your T can work with it. I feel for you, crying and feeling it's never going to get better. Safe hugs! Remember that for DID the prognosis is very good, once you have the right dx and therapy. It's better than for most things. I do believe that, because I've experienced it. Not everything is better yet, but some things are so much better. I'm going to send you a PM too. Thinking of you, Sara

Luvmycats wrote:I'm supposedly integrated

Supposedly integrated? You're not sure? I hope your therapist is not treating you with hypnosis! Do you think you are integrated only because your T says you are? Or does your internal subjective experience of yourself tell you that you have integrated some parts? Either way, if you are still having switchy headaches and losing time, then it is likely that at least one alter remains to be integrated at some time in the future. This is normal. You're doing great! Perhaps try leaving a note for whoever is coming out when you lose time? Establish communication, get acquainted. How have you been communicating with the others before their integration?

Thank you for your responses. "supposedly integrated" because psychiatrist said I was and no he is psychoanalytic and not using hypnosis. I don't understand enough about it all... Yes, I am co-conscious and I think he interprets that as integrated. I do not know. I could be mistaken and putting assumptions onto him. Thank you for the suggestions.

-- Fri Aug 10, 2012 9:47 am --

Sara,
Thank you- What are you doing trying to help me when you are doing a marathon of emdr! You can't possibly have the energy! You are so sweet!

I would say you are not integrated. You are co-conscious with some of your alters, so you are making progress toward integrating those alters. Losing time is strong evidence that there are additional alters you don't yet know about. This is normal.

Subjective experiences of integration have been described here on the DID Forum many times. It may help you to read some of those threads and compare them with your own subjective experience, so you can accurately relate the psychological technical vocabulary to what is actually going on in your system.

Does your therapist belong to ISSTD? ISSTD has an excellent e-mail discussion group that supports its member therapists who are working with clients with DID.

isst-d.org: International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation

I agree that it sounds like there is more integration to do. Blacking out and switching sound like sure signs of unintegrated alters. But they need to share their feelings and experiences before you and they integrate. It sounds as though that's already happening, as some of what you're feeling right now may have been being held in other parts of you, and they're now sharing it with you by letting you feel it. I know you're doing a lot of your own work. Leaving notes for whoever is out when you're not is a great idea.

When you feel you're switched, but co-present, can you ask yourself what you're feeling, and where in the body you're holding it? Then ask yourself if there are any memories that arise when you focus on that feeling in the body. You could also try talking to the other part, and tell them that you want to hear them and feel what they've been feeling (if you do! Sometimes you might need to tell them that you want to but can't right now because you have to go to work, or whatever!). If you get that feeling of splintering or switching over and over, can you ask your "gatekeeper", if you have one, to get the other parts to talk to you one at at time? Or talk to them about that yourself?

It's fine to be writing to you right now - it's such a huge relief to be on vacation and not have to pull it all together and see my own clients. I don't have to do anything except get to therapy/emdr! Right now I don't want to do anything except lie in the sun, swim, try to take care of myself, take cool showers, bake cookies! I hope you're taking care of yourself too when you can. There will be other times, I'm sure, when I can't write anything! There's so much changing inside since doing the last big integration. I'll write more when I can. Today since therapy I don't want to do anything - can't even read - just lying in the yard letting myself feel things and letting things change on the inside.

Sara2012 wrote:Today since therapy I don't want to do anything - can't even read - just lying in the yard letting myself feel things and letting things change on the inside.

I hear you. This entire DID recovery process reminds me so much of being pregnant, right from the first "OMG will I survive this?" to now working feverishly to prepare alternating with "doing nothing" while inside tremendous changes are happening. We are incubating and waiting waiting waiting...

What a great comparison - never thought of that. Thank you. Yes, we're waiting and waiting while something wonderful is happening inside. It's good to not be alone in it. Thinking of you too, Sara