blacking out

I don't think anyone outside of you can determine whether some or all parts of you are integrated -- united -- or not, though I think many therapists do state or assume integration has happened. For any alter beyond a fragment, I would think you would have a sense whether they are part of your united consciousness or not. Admittedly, we've had zero integrations here so I'm no expert. I get this from reading of bios of persons with DID and from individual reports here. We have experienced blends where there is sometimes an increased awareness of being the same individual. From what I've read, with actual integration, there is a clarity that you are both alter A and alter B. There's also normally an ability to recall memories belonging to all integrated alters, though that doesn't necessarily happen immediately.

I would think that if you are not really integrated, thinking you are would get in the way of moving toward actual integration. I've dealt with so many therapists who have been inadequate to incompetent regarding DID and, sadly, I know that's not unusual.

"From what I've read, with actual integration, there is a clarity that you are both alter A and alter B. There's also normally an ability to recall memories belonging to all integrated alters, though that doesn't necessarily happen immediately."

Yes, that's exactly what I've felt after an integration. I've had memories that I didn't have before. For me, the difference has also been in being able to recall memories WITH the feelings, which the other part was holding. There's also a clear sense of being able to deal with whatever I feel, eg if I'm sad, I can comfort myself, talk to myself about the situation and hear myself, whereas before, it was like listening to a child crying in another room, and I couldn't reach her; I could tell myself things, but she couldn't hear them.

Trigger -

Sometimes headaches are switchy headaches. I've also had alters whose head hurt a lot - most of them had head pain, as that was where we were always hit first. In adult life, I haven't had headaches since having a lot of craniosacral therapy, but as each of the alters came forward, they came with head pain that would last for days - nothing touched it - and after they integrated, the pain vanished completely - until the next alter! I remember my T explaining to one alter that when she became part of me, her head wouldn't hurt any more, as I'd already gotten help for it. With the part of my mind that was "me", I remember thinking that it was like the "time machine" on a mac - the alter was "holding" my head as it was back then, just as the "time machine" keeps a copy of your mac as it was on any given date. Can't write more as my brain won't function

I agree- and what a true and funny comparison to pregnancy. Yes- I definitely thought that about being pregnant and I'm most certainly thinking that now about DID.
I think you both are very right and there is more integration to do. I do hear a little voice that keeps saying, "I'm afraid" every day throughout the day. I always say, it's okay sweetie- you're here with me. I write notes, but more like notes to talk about in therapy. So I will try to write myself notes. It just "feels funny." I go back and forth on the whole denial part of it- I know it's real, but then keep thinking this whole thing has to be some big mistake. I will read more threads. Reading others' experiences helps so much as I can't believe how much it fits my own experiences that I always thought were just "normal." And now I'm learning so much more. Reading also makes me very switchy, so I can only take in so much at a time. Thank you.